Yes, You Can Heal Your Mother Wound—Here's How

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsUnderstanding the Mother WoundSigns and Symptoms of the Mother WoundThe Mother Wound and RelationshipsThe Role of Unprocessed Trauma in the Mother Wound

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Understanding the Mother Wound

Signs and Symptoms of the Mother Wound

The Mother Wound and Relationships

The Role of Unprocessed Trauma in the Mother Wound

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For most of us, the mother is the first person we meet in the world. The mother feeds, clothes, and bathes us. The mother cares for us, guides us, protects us. But some mothers or mother figures don’t do this—some mothers are emotionally unavailable, physically absent, or both. Some mothers lack the necessary caregiving we need in our adolescence (and beyond). And this lack of safety, nurture, and care from our mother—our primary caregiver—leaves us with a “mother wound.”

“A mother wound refers to a disruption in the relationship between a mother, or other primary caregiver, and a child,” says Jamie Bennett, LMFT, a family wellness clinician atMountainside Treatment Center.

When you’re growing up, your sense of safety and identity are tied to your interactions with your primary caregiver. This can be your mom, your dad, or a parental figure. A strained or wonky relationship with your caregiver can result in a mother wound.

“When the primary caregiver meets the child’s needs, it lets the child know that they are loved, accepted, and safe,” Bennett explains. On the other hand, “if needs are not met, the child’s sense of self and safety will be negatively impacted, and they may develop beliefs that they are not lovable or that the world is not safe,” she notes.

Ahead, we examine the mother wound—what it looks like, why it develops, how it impacts our lives, and how to heal.

What’s the Psychology Behind Mommy Issues?

Living with a mother wound can impact so many aspects of a person’s life, from their mental health to their relationships, identity, andself-worth. The first step towards healing your mother wound is to understand it and the hold it has on your life. “It is crucial to understand and heal ‘mother wounds’ to have healthy and supportive adult relationships as well as develop high self-esteem and a sense of safety,” Bennett emphasizes.

Brittany Cilento Kopycienski, a licensed professional counselor atGrow Counseling Solutions, agrees, adding that addressing how your mother wound manifests in your life helps you gain insight into your own struggles.

“Understanding how developmental trauma with one’s mother currently impacts everyday living gives individuals the ability to address low self-esteem in adulthood, obtain healthier intimate relationships, and gain healthier beliefs about one’s self,” she notes.

Why Does My Mom Hate Me?

Like any physical wound, you can’t heal until you recognize something is wrong. The same rule applies to mental wounds. That’s why it’s super important to identify your symptoms if you’re dealing with a mother wound. Mother wounds can manifest in all sorts of ways but there are a few common signs and symptoms to zero in.

Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is a hallmark characteristic of having a mother wound, says Kopycienski. It can manifest in persistent negative beliefs about yourself including “I am unlovable” or “I am a failure.” Additionally, Kopycienski says, “People who struggle with this wound usually struggle with self-care and self-compassion.”

Finding Yourself in Similar “Mother” Relationships

Sometimes, we seek relationships with people who resemble our caregivers, which is a sign of a “mother wound.”

“For example, if the mother was emotionally unavailable or cold, the person might seek partners who act the same way because internally they believe that is what they deserve,” Bennett says.

Negative Self-Talk

According toRenée Zavislak, LMFT, the host ofPsycho Therapist: The Podcast, folks with mother wounds often engage in negative self-talk—the same kind ofnegative self-talktheir moms might have engaged in when they were kids.

“I have a client who speaks to herself with the exact same voice she heard from her mother,” Zavislak says. For instance, when her client developed acne, her mom used to say: “What is wrong with you? Didn’t I teach you how to wash your face?” Or, when mom didn’t like her outfit, she’d say: “What is wrong with you? You look like a hobo.” Now, at 40 years old, her client uses the same rhetoric, always beginning negative thoughts with “What is wrong with you?”

Much of this negative self-talk centers around her appearance, just like her mother focused on. “After a recent speaking engagement, she lamented her less than-perfect appearance in my office, exclaiming, ‘What is wrong with me? Did I just learn how to talk?’” Zavislak shares. “These recriminations are her internal language now.”

Struggles With Boundaries and Communication

It’s typical for people with mother wounds to struggle with boundaries in relationships. “The most common sign that someone may have a mother wound is interpersonal struggles, meaning difficulty with boundaries and communication, especially in intimate relationships,” Kopycienski explains.“One is typically very codependent or on the other end of the spectrum, too independent.” In addition, people with mother wounds are usually passive orpassive-aggressive communicatorsand need to build more assertive communication, she says.

People Pleasing and Codependency

Another way the wounds of a broken mother-child relationship manifest is feelings of deep insecurity in relationships. This tends to show up as different types of relationship dysfunctions. “Someone with a mother wound may exhibit people-pleasing or codependent behaviors as they try to gain the acceptance and love of future partners,” Bennett says.

How to Stop Negative Thoughts

Mother wounds don’t just impact your mental health and well-being but your interactions with others, especially in the realm of close and intimate relationships. “Mother wounds can have a significant impact on romantic relationships or any type of intimate relationship,” Bennett says. “This is because our relationship with our mother or primary caregiver is our first example of what relationships are and what they should look like.”

For example, if your mother wasemotionally unavailable, you can replicate this behavior in intimate and close family relationships. Say your mother was abusive or highly critical. You might behave this way towards people you’re close with or accept this same treatment from others, she adds.

The normalization of the behaviors you receive from [your] mother becomes replicated in your future relationships because you grew up thinkingthisis how to be loved and accepted.—JAMIE BENNETT, LMFT, A FAMILY WELLNESS CLINICIAN AT MOUNTAINSIDE TREATMENT CENTER.

The normalization of the behaviors you receive from [your] mother becomes replicated in your future relationships because you grew up thinkingthisis how to be loved and accepted.

—JAMIE BENNETT, LMFT, A FAMILY WELLNESS CLINICIAN AT MOUNTAINSIDE TREATMENT CENTER.

Identifying and Overcoming Emotional Detachment

Understanding and healing from your mother wound means learning the impact your mother’s behaviors had on you. According to our experts, your mother’s behavior stems from their trauma. Your mom has theirownmother wound passed down fortheirmother and so on. It’s cyclic.

It becomes an endless cycle of trauma, passed from one generation to another—a kind of intergenerational trauma.

But breaking this trauma cycle is within reach. Let’s take a look at what that involves.

Healing and Recovery from the Mother Wound

“Healing from a mother wound is possible,” Bennett stresses. But, what does this healing look like? “It means that you will have to bring awareness to dynamics from childhood and examine them,” she says. It involves determining what was missing from your childhood and looking for a way to provide that for yourself. This may include providing yourself with the safety, acceptance, and love missing from your childhood.

Therapy

Once you are aware of your mother wound and the cycle of trauma that triggered it, the next step is psychotherapy, which focuses on trauma recovery, Kopyciensk says.

“Once you acknowledge the cycle, I would suggest therapy to help with effectively breaking the cycle,” she says. “Therapy allows you to help you develop healthier communication styles, setting boundaries, make sense of your experiences, and reframe negative thought patterns developed from your childhood.”

Self-Care

Self-care andself-compassionare so important when working on breaking the mother wound and cycle of trauma. “Changing our behavior and past negative patterns of behavior are a must to achieve meaningful change and starting with some self-care is key,” says Kopycienski. “This isn’t just nails and hair, but saying no when we have too much on our plate or listening to when our body needs a rest.”

Cultivating Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships

At times, healing from a mother wound can directly involve your own mother, if they’re is still alive. This might involve some honest talks with your mom about how you felt growing up and how it continues to impact you. This conversation can be challenging—not to mention emotional and tense, too—so aim to chat in a safe space, like a therapist’s office.

Sometimes, repairing this relationship with your mom isn’t always possible. “Some mothers simply are unable to acknowledge or process what they have done,” Bennett says. “In that case, it is up to the individual through therapy and self-reflection to understand how they have been wounded and provide themselves with what they need from their mother or primary caregiver.”

Healing Is PossibleThat said, sometimes healing is possible and there is a happy ending. Kopycienski has witnessed it herself with a former client. A mother and daughter repaired their relationship after the mother accepted responsibility for creating the mother wound and began working on bettering herself in therapy. Toward the end of their work together, the client offered her daughter to join her in a session with Kopycienski.

Healing Is Possible

That said, sometimes healing is possible and there is a happy ending. Kopycienski has witnessed it herself with a former client. A mother and daughter repaired their relationship after the mother accepted responsibility for creating the mother wound and began working on bettering herself in therapy. Toward the end of their work together, the client offered her daughter to join her in a session with Kopycienski.

Ask a Therapist: How Do I Set Boundaries With My Mother?

Takeaways

You are not the only one who has a mother wound.Daddy issues?Mommy issues? Mother wounds? They’re all just different forms of trauma stemming from our difficult relationships with our caregivers. But here’s the thing: you don’thaveto carry this wound anymore. You can start stitching it up, sewing the skin back together, and letting it heal.

Does that look like having a fully repaired relationship with your mother? Maybe. Maybe not. Nevertheless, you don’t need your mom to fix your wound because you haveyou.Everything you lacked in your childhood—love, care, acceptance, safety? You can give it to yourself and nurture them in adult relationships. You’re in the driving seat of your life now—not your mom, not your dad, no one. Just you.

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Karakaş NM, Dağlı FŞ.The importance of attachment in infant and influencing factors.Turk Pediatri Ars. 2019;54(2):76-81. doi:10.14744/TurkPediatriArs.2018.80269Onayli S, Erdur-Baker O.Mother-daughter Relationship and Daughter’s Self Esteem.Procedia Soc Behav Sci. 2013;84:327-331. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2013.06.560Cruz D, Lichten M, Berg K, et al.Developmental trauma: Conceptual framework, associated risks and comorbidities, and evaluation and treatment.Front Psychiatry. 2022;13:800687. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2022.800687American Psychological Association.Boundary. APA Dictionary of Psychology.Vanderzee KL, Sigel BA, Pemberton JR, et al.Treatments for Early Childhood Trauma: Decision Considerations for Clinicians.J Child Adolesc Trauma. 2018;12(4):515-528. doi:10.1007/s40653-018-0244-6

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Karakaş NM, Dağlı FŞ.The importance of attachment in infant and influencing factors.Turk Pediatri Ars. 2019;54(2):76-81. doi:10.14744/TurkPediatriArs.2018.80269Onayli S, Erdur-Baker O.Mother-daughter Relationship and Daughter’s Self Esteem.Procedia Soc Behav Sci. 2013;84:327-331. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2013.06.560Cruz D, Lichten M, Berg K, et al.Developmental trauma: Conceptual framework, associated risks and comorbidities, and evaluation and treatment.Front Psychiatry. 2022;13:800687. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2022.800687American Psychological Association.Boundary. APA Dictionary of Psychology.Vanderzee KL, Sigel BA, Pemberton JR, et al.Treatments for Early Childhood Trauma: Decision Considerations for Clinicians.J Child Adolesc Trauma. 2018;12(4):515-528. doi:10.1007/s40653-018-0244-6

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Karakaş NM, Dağlı FŞ.The importance of attachment in infant and influencing factors.Turk Pediatri Ars. 2019;54(2):76-81. doi:10.14744/TurkPediatriArs.2018.80269Onayli S, Erdur-Baker O.Mother-daughter Relationship and Daughter’s Self Esteem.Procedia Soc Behav Sci. 2013;84:327-331. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2013.06.560Cruz D, Lichten M, Berg K, et al.Developmental trauma: Conceptual framework, associated risks and comorbidities, and evaluation and treatment.Front Psychiatry. 2022;13:800687. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2022.800687American Psychological Association.Boundary. APA Dictionary of Psychology.Vanderzee KL, Sigel BA, Pemberton JR, et al.Treatments for Early Childhood Trauma: Decision Considerations for Clinicians.J Child Adolesc Trauma. 2018;12(4):515-528. doi:10.1007/s40653-018-0244-6

Karakaş NM, Dağlı FŞ.The importance of attachment in infant and influencing factors.Turk Pediatri Ars. 2019;54(2):76-81. doi:10.14744/TurkPediatriArs.2018.80269

Onayli S, Erdur-Baker O.Mother-daughter Relationship and Daughter’s Self Esteem.Procedia Soc Behav Sci. 2013;84:327-331. doi:10.1016/j.sbspro.2013.06.560

Cruz D, Lichten M, Berg K, et al.Developmental trauma: Conceptual framework, associated risks and comorbidities, and evaluation and treatment.Front Psychiatry. 2022;13:800687. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2022.800687

American Psychological Association.Boundary. APA Dictionary of Psychology.

Vanderzee KL, Sigel BA, Pemberton JR, et al.Treatments for Early Childhood Trauma: Decision Considerations for Clinicians.J Child Adolesc Trauma. 2018;12(4):515-528. doi:10.1007/s40653-018-0244-6

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