Worried You and Your Partner Are Sexually Incompatible? Watch Out for These Signs

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsUnderstanding Sexual IncompatibilitySigns and Symptoms of Sexual IncompatibilityFactors Contributing to Sexual IncompatibilityCommunication and Relationship StrategiesOvercoming Sexual IncompatibilitySeeking Professional Help

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Understanding Sexual Incompatibility

Signs and Symptoms of Sexual Incompatibility

Factors Contributing to Sexual Incompatibility

Communication and Relationship Strategies

Overcoming Sexual Incompatibility

Seeking Professional Help

Sex isn’t the only thing that’s important in a relationship, but when it isn’t happening regularly or when you and your partner aren’t on the same wavelength about what turns the other person on, relationships can definitely get rocky.

“Sexual incompatibility is when partners aren’t on the same page in terms of their sexual desires, needs, and preferences,” says Brooke Keels, PhD, LPC, chief clinical officer atLighthouse Recovery. “Maybe one partner wants sex more often than the other, or they have different interests and boundaries in the bedroom.” Sexual incompatibility can also refer to a general lack ofemotional connectionduring sex, she adds.

If you are experiencing sexual incompatibility in your relationship—or worried that you might be—we’ve got you covered. We’re going to take a deep dive into what sexual incompatibility is, what it looks like, and factors that may be contributing. But won’t leave you hanging: We’ll also share some expert-driven tips and strategies for dealing with sexual incompatibility.

At a GlanceIf you and your partner want wildly different things in bed, or have very different libidos, you may be experiencing sexual incompatibility.Don’t worry, so many couples experience this. Usually, it just means the two of you need to have an open and vulnerable conversation to get to the heart of what your needs are and what’s missing. And if having a “sex chat” isn’t enough to get things heated up, consider employing the support of a sex therapist—it’s never anything to be ashamed of.

At a Glance

If you and your partner want wildly different things in bed, or have very different libidos, you may be experiencing sexual incompatibility.Don’t worry, so many couples experience this. Usually, it just means the two of you need to have an open and vulnerable conversation to get to the heart of what your needs are and what’s missing. And if having a “sex chat” isn’t enough to get things heated up, consider employing the support of a sex therapist—it’s never anything to be ashamed of.

How Sexual Chemistry Develops and What It Feels Like

Here’s the thing: true sexual incompatibility is pretty rare, and it’s almost always fixable. More often it’s a matter of having different preferences. The good news is, while at first these differences might be perceived as an incompatibility, they’re certainly not impossible to overcome.

According toHanna Basel,LICSW, CST, licensed independent clinical social worker and certifiedsex therapist, most couples aren’t 100% sexually incompatible. “More often it’s not sexual incompatibility; it’s just sexual differences or desire discrepancy,” Basal says. “I would say at least 90 percent of the time with some creativity, with some real work, with some reflection, with an outside voice, we can find some work around, some way to stay in a relationship.”

In most cases, sexual incompatibility is really just a lack ofcommunication issueor a lack of knowledge issue, Basel explains. “It’s not knowing how to work with these differences that leads people to feeling hopeless and ‘incompatible,’” she describes.

The problem is that when these factors aren’t addressed, relationships can take a hit. This makes sense, as research has found that perceived sexual satisfaction is closely linked to relationship satisfaction.

Hanna Basel, LICSW, CSTMore often it’s not sexual incompatibility; it’s just sexual differences or desire discrepancy

Hanna Basel, LICSW, CST

More often it’s not sexual incompatibility; it’s just sexual differences or desire discrepancy

Understanding sexual incompatibility—and addressing it when needed—is an important aspect of maintaining a solid relationship. “Regardless of the specific issue, sexual incompatibility is important to address because it can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and disconnect between partners,” Keels emphasizes. “Ignoring these differences can ultimately damage the relationship and may even lead to infidelity or separation if not addressed.”

It’s totally common to wonder if what you’re experiencing is sexual incompatibility … or something else. Keels shared some of the typical signs of sexual incompatibility:

A frequent dynamic seen in sexual incompatibility is when one partner avoids intimacy, and the other partner ends up feeling rejected or frustrated, saysSophie Cress,a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).

“In therapy, I’ve seen couples where one partner desires adventurous experiences, while the other prefers routine, leading to tension,” Cress describes. Unaddressed issues like these “can create a cycle of frustration and distance if communication isn’t prioritized early on,” Cress explains.

There are many factors that can impact sexual incompatibility, including personal trauma, resentment in a relationship, anxiety, or difficulties with self image, says Basel. “We are all coming to the table with differences or seeming incompatibilities,” she notes. Factors like differences in sleep patterns, cleanliness, eating habits, self-care, or parenting styles can contribute too, Basel adds.

Keels says there are two main factors that she sees frequently in couples experiencing sexual incompatibility: differences in sexual desires, and trouble with communication.

Different Sexual Interests And Preferences

When it comes to sexual incompatibility, partners often have differentsexual interestsand desires. “This can include a variety of factors, such as specific kinks or fantasies, positions, or even levels of experimentation,” Keels says.

“When you’re not on the same page with your partner in terms of what you enjoy and feel comfortable with, it can create tension and conflict within the relationship.”

Communication Barriers

“Our partners aren’t mind readers,” Keels points out. “If we don’t openlycommunicate our needsand desires, how can they know what makes us happy in the bedroom?” Poor communication or a lack of conversations around sex is a huge contributing factor when it comes to sexual incompatibility. “For example,” Keels says, “one partner may feel too embarrassed or uncomfortable to share their desires, which can lead to frustration and misunderstandings.”

What Is a Fetish?

The best way to become a more sexually compatible couple is to engage in a bit of sex talk. No, not necessarilythatkind ofsex talk(though that can’t hurt!), but open conversations about how you’re feeling in terms of your sexual relationship.

“Open, non-judgmental communication is key,” says Cress. “Partners should express their desires, boundaries, and concerns in a safe space without fear of judgment or rejection.” She suggests formally scheduling time for talking about yoursex life, as well as scheduling time for intimacy and experimentation.

If you want to have a better sex life, you’ve got to engage inactive listening, which means listening attentively, openly, and non-judgmentally to your partner’s thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires.Empathyand a willingness to compromise are essential as well, Cress says. “In therapy, I often guide couples through exercises to reconnect emotionally and physically, fostering trust and rekindling intimacy, rather than focusing on performance or outcome,” she shares.

How to Be More Sexually Intimate With Your Partner

Okay, here’s the million dollar question: Is it possible to overcome sexual incompatibility in all cases, or are some couples doomed to be sexually incompatible?

The majority of couples can overcome sexual incompatibility through communication,compromise,empathy, and understanding, Cress says. But in a small number of cases, the sexual incompatibility may be too deeply rooted in needs or values to completely resolve, she says.

“I’ve worked with couples who managed to find common ground through therapy, redefining their intimacy,” she shares. “However, others chose to part ways, recognizing that their sexual needs were too misaligned.” It’s vital to assess whether this incompatibility stems from solvable relationship issues or truly irreconcilable differences, she stresses.

Keels emphasizes that overcoming sexual incompatibility is absolutely possible for most couples, but it’s all about putting in the effort to understand one another better. “It’s like tuning a musical instrument; sometimes, you just need to adjust a few notes to create harmony together,” she describes. “For instance, if one partner enjoys a certain activity that the other isn’t as keen on, they might explore trying it out together at a comfortable pace, or perhaps they can discuss and compromise on what each person enjoys.”

What to Do If You or a Loved One Lack Empathy

Things like setting aside time to talk about your sex life, and instituting regular check-ins to discuss desires and preferences, can make a huge difference when it comes to healing from sexual incompatibility, says Keels. But it’s not always possible to do this most effectively without a little outside assistance.

“If you and your partner are finding it tough to connect sexually, it might be time to think about getting some professional help,” Keels suggests. “This doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed—sometimes, a little external support can make a huge difference.”

One thing atherapistcan do is offer a neutral space for you and your partner to share feelings and concerns without judgment. “They can help you uncover underlying issues, improve communication, and explore patterns that might be causing friction in your intimacy,” Keels says.

What Is a Sex Therapist?

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Nekoolaltak M, Keshavarz Z, Simbar M, et al.Sexual Compatibility with Spouse Questionnaire: Development and Psychometric Property Evaluation.Int J Community Based Nurs Midwifery. 2020;8(3):220-233. doi:10.30476/ijcbnm.2020.82160.1039Mark KP, Milhausen RR, Maitland SB.The impact of sexual compatibility on sexual and relationship satisfaction in a sample of young adult heterosexual couples.Sex Relatsh Ther. 2013;28(3):201–214. doi:10.1080/14681994.2013.807336Ahmadnia E, Ziaei T, Yunesian M, et al.Sexual compatibility and its associated factors among heterosexual couples: a systemic review.Sex Relatsh Ther. 2021;38(4):603–621. doi:10.1080/14681994.2020.1849608Balzarini RN, Muise A, Dobson K, et al.The detriments of unmet sexual ideals and buffering effect of sexual communal strength.J Pers Soc Psychol. 2021;120(6):1521–1550. doi:10.1037/pspi0000323Kawamichi H, Yoshihara K, Sasaki AT, et al.Perceiving active listening activates the reward system and improves the impression of relevant experiences.Soc Neurosci. 2015;10(1):16-26. doi:10.1080/17470919.2014.954732

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Nekoolaltak M, Keshavarz Z, Simbar M, et al.Sexual Compatibility with Spouse Questionnaire: Development and Psychometric Property Evaluation.Int J Community Based Nurs Midwifery. 2020;8(3):220-233. doi:10.30476/ijcbnm.2020.82160.1039Mark KP, Milhausen RR, Maitland SB.The impact of sexual compatibility on sexual and relationship satisfaction in a sample of young adult heterosexual couples.Sex Relatsh Ther. 2013;28(3):201–214. doi:10.1080/14681994.2013.807336Ahmadnia E, Ziaei T, Yunesian M, et al.Sexual compatibility and its associated factors among heterosexual couples: a systemic review.Sex Relatsh Ther. 2021;38(4):603–621. doi:10.1080/14681994.2020.1849608Balzarini RN, Muise A, Dobson K, et al.The detriments of unmet sexual ideals and buffering effect of sexual communal strength.J Pers Soc Psychol. 2021;120(6):1521–1550. doi:10.1037/pspi0000323Kawamichi H, Yoshihara K, Sasaki AT, et al.Perceiving active listening activates the reward system and improves the impression of relevant experiences.Soc Neurosci. 2015;10(1):16-26. doi:10.1080/17470919.2014.954732

Nekoolaltak M, Keshavarz Z, Simbar M, et al.Sexual Compatibility with Spouse Questionnaire: Development and Psychometric Property Evaluation.Int J Community Based Nurs Midwifery. 2020;8(3):220-233. doi:10.30476/ijcbnm.2020.82160.1039Mark KP, Milhausen RR, Maitland SB.The impact of sexual compatibility on sexual and relationship satisfaction in a sample of young adult heterosexual couples.Sex Relatsh Ther. 2013;28(3):201–214. doi:10.1080/14681994.2013.807336Ahmadnia E, Ziaei T, Yunesian M, et al.Sexual compatibility and its associated factors among heterosexual couples: a systemic review.Sex Relatsh Ther. 2021;38(4):603–621. doi:10.1080/14681994.2020.1849608Balzarini RN, Muise A, Dobson K, et al.The detriments of unmet sexual ideals and buffering effect of sexual communal strength.J Pers Soc Psychol. 2021;120(6):1521–1550. doi:10.1037/pspi0000323Kawamichi H, Yoshihara K, Sasaki AT, et al.Perceiving active listening activates the reward system and improves the impression of relevant experiences.Soc Neurosci. 2015;10(1):16-26. doi:10.1080/17470919.2014.954732

Mark KP, Milhausen RR, Maitland SB.The impact of sexual compatibility on sexual and relationship satisfaction in a sample of young adult heterosexual couples.Sex Relatsh Ther. 2013;28(3):201–214. doi:10.1080/14681994.2013.807336

Ahmadnia E, Ziaei T, Yunesian M, et al.Sexual compatibility and its associated factors among heterosexual couples: a systemic review.Sex Relatsh Ther. 2021;38(4):603–621. doi:10.1080/14681994.2020.1849608

Balzarini RN, Muise A, Dobson K, et al.The detriments of unmet sexual ideals and buffering effect of sexual communal strength.J Pers Soc Psychol. 2021;120(6):1521–1550. doi:10.1037/pspi0000323

Kawamichi H, Yoshihara K, Sasaki AT, et al.Perceiving active listening activates the reward system and improves the impression of relevant experiences.Soc Neurosci. 2015;10(1):16-26. doi:10.1080/17470919.2014.954732

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At a Glance#

Hanna Basel, LICSW, CST#

Different Sexual Interests And Preferences#

Communication Barriers#

At a Glance

Hanna Basel, LICSW, CST

Different Sexual Interests And Preferences

Communication Barriers