Will I Regret Not Having Kids?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsDo Others Regret Not Having Kids?How to Decide If You Will Regret Not Having KidsWhat If You Decide Not to Have Children?What to Do If You Regret Not Having Kids

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

Do Others Regret Not Having Kids?

How to Decide If You Will Regret Not Having Kids

What If You Decide Not to Have Children?

What to Do If You Regret Not Having Kids

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As you get older and many of your friends begin to have children, it’s natural to think about children in your own life and wonder if you will regret not having kids. Some people are dead-set on never wanting children, but many fall somewhere in the middle.

The reality is that it’s a deeply personal decision. Only you can answer whether or not you will regret not having kids. The best thing you can do is to evaluate your feelings, consider the pros and cons, and make the decision that works best for you and your life.

At a GlanceWhether or not you’ll regret not having kids is something only you can answer. It can help to examine where your beliefs about having kids come from and to imagine what your life would be like if you choose not to go that route. If you do think you might regret it, taking steps to freeze your eggs or considering adoption are a few alternatives you might take. In either case, it’s important to do what is right for you and make peace with your decision. If you’re struggling with regret, talking to a therapist can be a helpful step.

At a Glance

Whether or not you’ll regret not having kids is something only you can answer. It can help to examine where your beliefs about having kids come from and to imagine what your life would be like if you choose not to go that route. If you do think you might regret it, taking steps to freeze your eggs or considering adoption are a few alternatives you might take. In either case, it’s important to do what is right for you and make peace with your decision. If you’re struggling with regret, talking to a therapist can be a helpful step.

Though research shows thatpeopledoregret having children,it is not something people often talk about, so it can be hard to get that perspective. Plus, it’s a sensitive subject to bring up for many people, leaving you to feel alone in your wondering. You’re not alone, though.

A 2021 Pew poll found that 44% of non-parents between the ages of 18-49 reported that it is “not too likely” or “not at all likely” that they will have children someday—up 7% from 37% in the same survey in 2018.

Just a decade ago, more than 60% of peoplesaid they wanted children, but now it’s changed. But still, it can be hard sometimes to parse what you really want from the societal messaging.

Underlying all of this, says psychologistAngela Lawson, PhD, Associate Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine, is the assumption that womenwillwant kids, and it’s the exception, not the rule to opt to be child-free.

Deciding whether or not to have children is one of the biggest decisions you will probably make in your lifetime, so it is smart of you to wonder if you’d regret not having children rather than bringing a child into the world andregretting it.

So how do you go aboutmaking this massive decision?This probably isn’t something you want to flip a coin for, so read on for advice on how to approach this decision.

What Is the Illusion of Choice?

For some people, the pain of theexpectationmay be worse than the regret. Childfree adults in “pronatalist” societies (i.e., societies that encourage people to have children), like the United States, reported lower life satisfaction due to the ideologies and pressure on women to have children.

Other research supports that weregretnot fulfilling our vision of what our “ideal self” was—which is also a matter of expectations.

Lawson notes that when people reach their 30s, they may start wondering whether or not they should have kids. They might ask themselves if it’s something they truly want or something they’ve been told they should want.

Examine Where You Get Your Beliefs From

To deal with these conflicting feelings, she says she talks to her patients about their experiences with societal beliefs about women having children and then beliefs within their families to examine where some of this messaging comes from.

Envision Your Future With or Without Kids

One of the exercises Lawson often takes her patients through is imagining themselves five years from now, 10 years from now, and then as an older woman—not having had children.

“What does she imagine having done with her life? And does she imagine experiencing regret? Would that regret in any way diminish her lived experiences?”, Lawson asks.

She says she asks themwhat that would regret would feel like—and how it might influence their life.

Angela Lawson, PhDI think in some ways, many women misunderstand what regret is and the implication of regret. People can regret all sorts of decisions they make in their lives. But that doesn’t mean those decisions and that regret are going to drastically affect their ability to be happy.

Angela Lawson, PhD

I think in some ways, many women misunderstand what regret is and the implication of regret. People can regret all sorts of decisions they make in their lives. But that doesn’t mean those decisions and that regret are going to drastically affect their ability to be happy.

Ask Yourself If You Might Regret Having Kids

Another exercise she takes patients through takes the opposite tack: Do you think there’s a possibility that you could resent having children? Then ask yourself what you think you’d be able to cope with more: regretting having kids or regretting not having kids?

What If I Regret Having Kids?

Consider Freezing Your Eggs or Working With Children

She noted that the American Society for Reproductive Medicine’s current guidelines say that women up to age 55 may use an egg donor or their own frozen eggs—even if they have already passed menopausal age.

But Lawson says most of the women she talks to who are considering being child-free say they can imagine their lives perfectly happy without a child.

Most People With Frozen Eggs Don’t Use ThemIn fact, those who freeze their eggs rarely come back for them—nearly 60% in one long-term study did not come back,yet were still paying for storage 10 years later.

Most People With Frozen Eggs Don’t Use Them

In fact, those who freeze their eggs rarely come back for them—nearly 60% in one long-term study did not come back,yet were still paying for storage 10 years later.

However, even though the usage rate of these frozen eggs remains low, nearly 90% of those surveyed say they are glad they went through the process, for reasons including flexibility and enhanced reproductive control.

Many people think not having kids is a zero-sum game—or that it will be the answer to all of their problems, such as having someone to care for them when theyget older.

But having children is no guarantee for how things will turn out, says Lawson.

Angela Lawson, PhDYou never know if your children will live in the same country or state as you or what your relationship will be like with them.

You never know if your children will live in the same country or state as you or what your relationship will be like with them.

If you don’t want kids and are worried about who will take care of you when you’re older, Lawson recommends living closer to friends or relatives of similar ages or pooling resources with friendsas you get older.

Focus on cultivating strong relationships andfriendshipswith others, that way, when you do get older, you’ll have a support system that you can rely on.

Maybe at one point in your life, you decided not to have children. But now, you’re feeling regret about that decision and wish that you did have kids or that you do want them now but feel that it’s too late. Here are some things you can do:

Consider Having Kids Anyway

If you’ve frozen your eggs, you can consider using them if you find that you’re ready to have children. You can also speak with your doctor to ask what your chances are for a successful pregnancy as you may be able to still have children on your own.

Consider Adoption/Surrogacy

Journal Your Feelings

Choosing whether or not to have children will bring up even more emotions than you may be able to process out loud.Journalingmay help you sort through them, as well as discover some of the deep underlying feelings that might be bottled up.

Speak With a Therapist

This is an incredibly important, difficult, and weighty decision. So, you may want to speak with a therapist to help you figure outhow to cope with regretand make peace with not having children.

Travel

Not having children may free up lots of time so use that time to travel—especially to places that wouldn’t be kid-friendly.

Foster

If you did not have children or were unable to have children, you may want to consider becoming afoster parent.

Get a Pet

A cat or dog is, of course, not a substitute for a child, but it may help you fulfill the yearn to care for something.

Allow Yourself to GrieveIt’s OK to feel like you lost something you thought you would have had or wanted—take the time to grieve this if you need to.

Allow Yourself to Grieve

It’s OK to feel like you lost something you thought you would have had or wanted—take the time to grieve this if you need to.

Maybe something in your life doesn’t look like you thought it would—whether a loss of a parent you thought might be part of your support system to raise a child or you’re single and didn’t think you would be at your age.

It’s OK to adjust the expectations that you made when your life looked very different. If you are feeling incredibly ambivalent, Lawson recommends talking to a therapist.

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine Mental Health Professionalshas a directory of providers who have worked with people going through just this type of situation.

Coping With Complicated Feelings as an Adoptive Parent

8 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Moore J, Abetz JS.What do parents regret about having children? Communicating regrets online. Journal of Family Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388Growing share of childless adults in U.S. don’t expect to ever have children. Pew Research Center.Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project.Tanaka K, Johnson NE.Childlessness and mental well-being in a global context. Journal of Family Issues. 2016;37(8):1027-1045. doi:10.1177/0192513X14526393Gilovich T, Medvec VH.The experience of regret: What, when, and why. Psychological Review. 1995;102(2):379-395. doi:10.1037/0033-295X.102.2.379Daar J, Benward J, Collins L, et al.Oocyte or embryo donation to women of advanced reproductive age: an Ethics Committee opinion. Fertility and Sterility. 2016;106(5):e3-e7. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2016.07.002Blakemore JK, Grifo JA, DeVore SM, Hodes-Wertz B, Berkeley AS.Planned oocyte cryopreservation—10–15-year follow-up: return rates and cycle outcomes.Fertility and Sterility. 2021;115(6):1511-1520. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2021.01.011Greenwood EA, Pasch LA, Hastie J, Cedars MI, Huddleston HG.To freeze or not to freeze: decision regret and satisfaction following elective oocyte cryopreservation.Fertil Steril. 2018;109(6):1097-1104.e1. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2018.02.127

8 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Moore J, Abetz JS.What do parents regret about having children? Communicating regrets online. Journal of Family Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388Growing share of childless adults in U.S. don’t expect to ever have children. Pew Research Center.Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project.Tanaka K, Johnson NE.Childlessness and mental well-being in a global context. Journal of Family Issues. 2016;37(8):1027-1045. doi:10.1177/0192513X14526393Gilovich T, Medvec VH.The experience of regret: What, when, and why. Psychological Review. 1995;102(2):379-395. doi:10.1037/0033-295X.102.2.379Daar J, Benward J, Collins L, et al.Oocyte or embryo donation to women of advanced reproductive age: an Ethics Committee opinion. Fertility and Sterility. 2016;106(5):e3-e7. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2016.07.002Blakemore JK, Grifo JA, DeVore SM, Hodes-Wertz B, Berkeley AS.Planned oocyte cryopreservation—10–15-year follow-up: return rates and cycle outcomes.Fertility and Sterility. 2021;115(6):1511-1520. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2021.01.011Greenwood EA, Pasch LA, Hastie J, Cedars MI, Huddleston HG.To freeze or not to freeze: decision regret and satisfaction following elective oocyte cryopreservation.Fertil Steril. 2018;109(6):1097-1104.e1. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2018.02.127

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Moore J, Abetz JS.What do parents regret about having children? Communicating regrets online. Journal of Family Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388Growing share of childless adults in U.S. don’t expect to ever have children. Pew Research Center.Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project.Tanaka K, Johnson NE.Childlessness and mental well-being in a global context. Journal of Family Issues. 2016;37(8):1027-1045. doi:10.1177/0192513X14526393Gilovich T, Medvec VH.The experience of regret: What, when, and why. Psychological Review. 1995;102(2):379-395. doi:10.1037/0033-295X.102.2.379Daar J, Benward J, Collins L, et al.Oocyte or embryo donation to women of advanced reproductive age: an Ethics Committee opinion. Fertility and Sterility. 2016;106(5):e3-e7. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2016.07.002Blakemore JK, Grifo JA, DeVore SM, Hodes-Wertz B, Berkeley AS.Planned oocyte cryopreservation—10–15-year follow-up: return rates and cycle outcomes.Fertility and Sterility. 2021;115(6):1511-1520. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2021.01.011Greenwood EA, Pasch LA, Hastie J, Cedars MI, Huddleston HG.To freeze or not to freeze: decision regret and satisfaction following elective oocyte cryopreservation.Fertil Steril. 2018;109(6):1097-1104.e1. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2018.02.127

Moore J, Abetz JS.What do parents regret about having children? Communicating regrets online. Journal of Family Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388

Growing share of childless adults in U.S. don’t expect to ever have children. Pew Research Center.

Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project.

Tanaka K, Johnson NE.Childlessness and mental well-being in a global context. Journal of Family Issues. 2016;37(8):1027-1045. doi:10.1177/0192513X14526393

Gilovich T, Medvec VH.The experience of regret: What, when, and why. Psychological Review. 1995;102(2):379-395. doi:10.1037/0033-295X.102.2.379

Daar J, Benward J, Collins L, et al.Oocyte or embryo donation to women of advanced reproductive age: an Ethics Committee opinion. Fertility and Sterility. 2016;106(5):e3-e7. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2016.07.002

Blakemore JK, Grifo JA, DeVore SM, Hodes-Wertz B, Berkeley AS.Planned oocyte cryopreservation—10–15-year follow-up: return rates and cycle outcomes.Fertility and Sterility. 2021;115(6):1511-1520. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2021.01.011

Greenwood EA, Pasch LA, Hastie J, Cedars MI, Huddleston HG.To freeze or not to freeze: decision regret and satisfaction following elective oocyte cryopreservation.Fertil Steril. 2018;109(6):1097-1104.e1. doi:10.1016/j.fertnstert.2018.02.127

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