When the pressure of work deadlines feels especially heavy, or my never-ending to-do list feels nearly impossible to clear, I have a few foolproof solutions. I take long, deep breaths, organize my closets…or call my sister and tell her everything she’s doing wrong and exactly how I,and only I, can change that for her.
Sound like a strange way of finding calm? According to Talkspace therapist Cynthia Catchings, we try to save or fix people — in this case, my sister — because it is easier than trying to deal with our own issues. We believe we don’t have control over our own situations that are making us anxious, so we try to exert control somewhere else.
The rush that helping others provides us is exhilarating and can become addictive. But is it healthy?
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Why “Fixing” Others is Harmful
Not so fast, Catchings says. “If you are the type of person that tries to ‘fix’ others, you should stop and recognize that more harm can be done if we do not let the person learn and grow,” she cautions. “It can also become a destructive behavior for us, the ‘fixers.’ We have to understand and accept that people are more capable, interested, and resourceful than we think. Let them try to solve their own challenges.”
Savior complex defined
Wanting to help others is natural and can come from a place of good, but if it becomes a problematic pattern, it could be “Savior Complex.” The savior complex can bedefined as“A psychological construct that makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.”
Essentially, it means that you believe you can save someone else from their own problems, and you’re often more enamored with fixing that person than loving them for who they are.
Catchings says this complex can be destructive for both the one suffering from it, and for those on his/her/their path. Trying to “save” someone doesn’t allow the other individual to take responsibility for his or her own actions, and can be anobsessive behaviorfor the fixer.
“As we try to do more for others, we might obsess and end up over analyzing and assessing every minute and dollar spent,” Catchings says.
How to Stop Trying to Save Others
To avoid falling into the trap of savior complex, Catchings recommends taking these steps:
But, under this scenario, people have to be your definition of “perfect” and fit into your mold of what is “correct,” regardless of whether they want to be your version of fixed..
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