Why You Have Sexual Fantasies and What They Mean

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsCommon Sexual FantasiesChanges in Sexual FantasiesWhat Sexual Fantasies MeanWhen to Act on Sexual Fantasies

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Table of Contents

Common Sexual Fantasies

Changes in Sexual Fantasies

What Sexual Fantasies Mean

When to Act on Sexual Fantasies

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We all have places we go in our minds during sex or when we feel aroused, and everybody is different. Put plainly, a sexual fantasy is a mental image that promotes one’s desire for sex and can help enhance thesexual experience.

While the people, themes, and frequency may change, sexual fantasies are completely normal, and nothing to be ashamed of, no matter how taboo or dirty they might seem.

Still, it’s common to question these desires and wonder whether or not we should discuss them with our partners or keep them to ourselves. In many cases, it can be fun and freeing to give your sexual fantasies a try, and we’ve got some suggestions to help you get started.

At a GlanceSexual fantasies are both normal and common. Some of these might be fun only as fantasies, but there might be others that you should consider exploring in real life. There are typical fantasies like BDSM, anal sex, and non-monogamy, and then there are atypical ones like voyeurism, sadism, masochism, and fetishism. However, if your sexual fantasies are creating distress or contributing to feelings of dissatisfaction, it may be time towork with a therapistfor support.

At a Glance

Sexual fantasies are both normal and common. Some of these might be fun only as fantasies, but there might be others that you should consider exploring in real life. There are typical fantasies like BDSM, anal sex, and non-monogamy, and then there are atypical ones like voyeurism, sadism, masochism, and fetishism. However, if your sexual fantasies are creating distress or contributing to feelings of dissatisfaction, it may be time towork with a therapistfor support.

Sexual fantasies can be separated into two categories: typical or atypical.

Typical Sexual Fantasies

Typical sexual fantasies are generally considered “normal” or healthy. A 2021 review of research indicates that the most common typical sexual fantasies include those related to:

In a 2020 study, nearly a third of adults reported that being in anopen relationshipwas their favorite sexual fantasy. The study also found that most participants reported fantasizing about being in a consensually non-monogamous relationship.

Atypical Sexual Fantasies

Atypical sexual fantasies are often referred to as being “deviant” or even contributing tocriminal behaviors. Some of the most common atypical sexual fantasies involve obtaining sexual pleasure or gratification in the form of:

What People Change About Themselves in Sexual Fantasies

In a study of 4,175 Americans, social psychologist Justin Lehmiller found that nearly everyone (97.1%) is in their own sexual fantasies at least part of the time.Yet, people often change major factors about themselves when participating in these fantasies.

According to this study, the changes that people tend to make are different based on gender andsexual orientation. Here’s what it found:

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What Do Sexual Fantasies Mean?

So, what do your specific sexual fantasies say about you? The images that you find arousing can provide insight about your personality, attachment style, and cultural identity.

Personality

The changes a person makes in their sexual fantasies may tell us more about theirpersonality.For example, if you fantasize about being more dominant, you may beintroverted. If you fantasize about changing your body and personality, you may be moreneurotic.

A 2020 study found a connection between people with personality traits that are considered maladaptive—which includes being antagonistic ordisinhibited—and sexual fantasies involving domination and humiliation.

Attachment Style

Lehmiller’s survey found that people with anxious and avoidantattachment styleswere more likely to change themselves in every way. He speculates that people with an anxious attachment style use their fantasies to avoid worrying about rejection. Conversely, those with an avoidant attachment style use their fantasies to create more emotional distance.

Another study backed these findings, adding that people with avoidant attachment styles typically don’t have sexual fantasies involvingromance.

Culture

Finally, fantasies clearly say something about culture. For example, women, gay men, and bisexual men were the most likely to focus on changing their physical qualities. Men were more likely to enhance their genitals in their fantasies. All of these are clear reactions to cultural body ideals.

One study also found that sexual fantasies often reflect how men and women are depicted in romantic movies and novels, or even in sexual videos.

Lehmiller notes that not all of the changes that we make to ourselves in sexual fantasies have deeper meanings.

Sexual fantasies can play a positive role in people’s lives. For example, evidence indicates that sexual fantasies help women get aroused and even help them achieve orgasm during sex with a partner.

Oftentimes, the changes that occur in our sexual fantasies are just a product of an active imagination. Such fantasies don’t mean anything of deeper significance.

Since they’re fantasies, we often create idealized versions of ourselves. Just because you imagine yourself or your partner differently in your fantasies, it does not necessarily mean that you are dissatisfied in real life.

Sexual fantasies serve a variety of purposes. They can help people become aroused or more sexually confident. They can also be a way to explore sex that they might not actually want to pursue in real life.

In some instances, unmet needs may contribute to sexual fantasies. As long as your fantasies are safe, legal, and consensual, you may want to discuss them with your partner.

Communication is critical, and that includes before, during, and after. Do some research, set some ground rules, and go slow.

Remember that just because you have a fantasy about something doesn’t mean you should act on it. If you’re in a happy relationship and you have a fantasy about cheating on your partner, that doesn’t necessarily mean that your subconscious is trying to tell you that you’d be happier with someone else.

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8 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Tortora C, Urso G, Nimbi F, Pace U, Marchetti D, Fontanesi L.Sexual fantasies and stereotypical gender roles: The influence of sexual orientation, gender and social pressure in a sample of Italian young-adults.Front Psychol. 2019;10:2864. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02864Rahim K, Soomar S.Revisiting the concept of sexual fantasies: A narrative review.J Psychiat Res Rev Rep. 2021:3(1):1-5. doi:10.47363/JPSRR/2021(3)119Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual nonmonogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7Lehmiller JJ.Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Da Capo Lifelong Books.Pocknell V.Sadomasochistic sexual fantasies and psychological maladjustment in the general public.Psychiat Ann. 2020;50(10):457-468. doi:10.3928/00485713-20200901-01Birnbaum GE.Beyond the borders of reality: Attachment orientations and sexual fantasies.Personal Relation. 2007;14(2):321-342. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2007.00157.xEllis B, Symons D.Sex differences in sexual fantasy: An evolutionary psychological approach.J Sex Res. 1990;27(4):527-555. doi:10.1080/00224499009551579Goldey KL, van Anders SM.Sexual arousal and desire: interrelations and responses to three modalities of sexual stimuli.J Sex Med. 2012;9(9):2315-2329. doi:10.1111/j.1743-6109.2012.02845.x

8 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Tortora C, Urso G, Nimbi F, Pace U, Marchetti D, Fontanesi L.Sexual fantasies and stereotypical gender roles: The influence of sexual orientation, gender and social pressure in a sample of Italian young-adults.Front Psychol. 2019;10:2864. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02864Rahim K, Soomar S.Revisiting the concept of sexual fantasies: A narrative review.J Psychiat Res Rev Rep. 2021:3(1):1-5. doi:10.47363/JPSRR/2021(3)119Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual nonmonogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7Lehmiller JJ.Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Da Capo Lifelong Books.Pocknell V.Sadomasochistic sexual fantasies and psychological maladjustment in the general public.Psychiat Ann. 2020;50(10):457-468. doi:10.3928/00485713-20200901-01Birnbaum GE.Beyond the borders of reality: Attachment orientations and sexual fantasies.Personal Relation. 2007;14(2):321-342. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2007.00157.xEllis B, Symons D.Sex differences in sexual fantasy: An evolutionary psychological approach.J Sex Res. 1990;27(4):527-555. doi:10.1080/00224499009551579Goldey KL, van Anders SM.Sexual arousal and desire: interrelations and responses to three modalities of sexual stimuli.J Sex Med. 2012;9(9):2315-2329. doi:10.1111/j.1743-6109.2012.02845.x

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Tortora C, Urso G, Nimbi F, Pace U, Marchetti D, Fontanesi L.Sexual fantasies and stereotypical gender roles: The influence of sexual orientation, gender and social pressure in a sample of Italian young-adults.Front Psychol. 2019;10:2864. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02864Rahim K, Soomar S.Revisiting the concept of sexual fantasies: A narrative review.J Psychiat Res Rev Rep. 2021:3(1):1-5. doi:10.47363/JPSRR/2021(3)119Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual nonmonogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7Lehmiller JJ.Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Da Capo Lifelong Books.Pocknell V.Sadomasochistic sexual fantasies and psychological maladjustment in the general public.Psychiat Ann. 2020;50(10):457-468. doi:10.3928/00485713-20200901-01Birnbaum GE.Beyond the borders of reality: Attachment orientations and sexual fantasies.Personal Relation. 2007;14(2):321-342. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2007.00157.xEllis B, Symons D.Sex differences in sexual fantasy: An evolutionary psychological approach.J Sex Res. 1990;27(4):527-555. doi:10.1080/00224499009551579Goldey KL, van Anders SM.Sexual arousal and desire: interrelations and responses to three modalities of sexual stimuli.J Sex Med. 2012;9(9):2315-2329. doi:10.1111/j.1743-6109.2012.02845.x

Tortora C, Urso G, Nimbi F, Pace U, Marchetti D, Fontanesi L.Sexual fantasies and stereotypical gender roles: The influence of sexual orientation, gender and social pressure in a sample of Italian young-adults.Front Psychol. 2019;10:2864. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02864

Rahim K, Soomar S.Revisiting the concept of sexual fantasies: A narrative review.J Psychiat Res Rev Rep. 2021:3(1):1-5. doi:10.47363/JPSRR/2021(3)119

Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual nonmonogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7

Lehmiller JJ.Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Da Capo Lifelong Books.

Pocknell V.Sadomasochistic sexual fantasies and psychological maladjustment in the general public.Psychiat Ann. 2020;50(10):457-468. doi:10.3928/00485713-20200901-01

Birnbaum GE.Beyond the borders of reality: Attachment orientations and sexual fantasies.Personal Relation. 2007;14(2):321-342. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2007.00157.x

Ellis B, Symons D.Sex differences in sexual fantasy: An evolutionary psychological approach.J Sex Res. 1990;27(4):527-555. doi:10.1080/00224499009551579

Goldey KL, van Anders SM.Sexual arousal and desire: interrelations and responses to three modalities of sexual stimuli.J Sex Med. 2012;9(9):2315-2329. doi:10.1111/j.1743-6109.2012.02845.x

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