Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsOrigins of Weaponize IncompetenceWhy Do People Do It?Is Your Partner Actually Incompetent?Who Is Most Likely to Use It?Signs and ExamplesEffects of Weaponized IncompetenceHow to Address It

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Origins of Weaponize Incompetence

Why Do People Do It?

Is Your Partner Actually Incompetent?

Who Is Most Likely to Use It?

Signs and Examples

Effects of Weaponized Incompetence

How to Address It

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Do you suspect your partner is pretending to be bad at certain tasks to avoid doing them? Do you often step in and take over because they don’t know how to do something? Or, do you try to avoid giving them certain tasks because they tend to do them badly? This could be the result of weaponized incompetence.

Weaponized incompetence is when an individual consciously or unconsciously demonstrates helplessness in order to avoid certain tasks or responsibilities, resulting in others stepping in and doing the task for them, saysClaudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

“Weaponized incompetence can create an imbalance in the relationship because one partner is over-functioning and the other is under-functioning,” says de Llano.

In this article, we explore the origins, signs, causes, and impacts of weaponized incompetence on relationships, as well as some strategies that can help you address the issue with your partner.

Where Did the Term ‘Weaponized Incompetence’ Come From?

The term “weaponized incompetence” has been gaining popularity onsocial media platformslike Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter, where people have been sharing stories of how their partners use the strategy to avoid responsibility.

However, variations of this term have been used in other contexts for many years. For example, a 1986 issue ofHarvard Business Reviewmagazine discusses skilled incompetence in the workplace, where people skillfully avoiding conflict only for it to eventually blow up and create larger organizational chaos than it would have if the conflict was addressed earlier.

Bestselling authorJonathan Acuffalso writes about strategic incompetence in the context of leadership and entrepreneurship, where he recommends strategically allowing yourself to be incompetent at unimportant chores so you can devote your attention to more important tasks.

Why Do People Weaponize Incompetence?

These are some reasons why people might weaponize incompetence:

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But Wait, Can Your Partner Actually Just Be Incompetent?

It is possible that your partner isn’t faking it and genuinely doesn’t know how to do something.

In some cases, an individual might truly feel that they are not sufficiently competent at a certain task, says de Llano. “They may express this and their partner may in turn assume the task for them. This, however, reinforces the dynamic of incompetence versus competence.”

If the person continues to avoid the tasks in adulthood, the imbalance will continue and they will never gain competence.

Who Is Most Likely to Weaponize Incompetence?

Anyone can weaponize incompetence in a relationship. However, men are often more likely to engage in this behavior than women.

Research showsgender inequalitystill prevails when it comes to household chores and childcare duties, with women shouldering the majority of the burden.

This can be especially difficult in relationships where the woman also works and has to bear a larger share of the household responsibilities in addition to her professional responsibilities.

Signs and Examples of Weaponized Incompetence

These are some phrases that my signal weaponized incompetence, according to de Llano:

These are some examples of weaponized incompetence:

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How Weaponized Incompetence Affects Your Relationship

Over time, effects of weaponized incompetence can erode a relationship. Repeated instances of manipulation and avoidance can weaken the bond between you and your partner, leading to increased frustration, dissatisfaction, and, ultimately, deterioration.

These are some of the ways that weaponized incompetence can negatively affect your relationship:

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How to Address Weaponized Incompetence

These are some steps you can take to address weaponized incompetence in your relationship:

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4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Harvard Business Review.Skilled incompetence.Sakuragi T, Tanaka R, Tsuji M, et al.Gender differences in housework and childcare among Japanese workers during the COVID-19 pandemic.J Occup Health. 2022;64(1):e12339. doi:10.1002/1348-9585.12339Cerrato J, Cifre E.Gender inequality in household chores and work-family conflict.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1330. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01330Newkirk K, Perry-Jenkins M, Sayer AG.Division of household and childcare labor and relationship conflict among low-income new parents.Sex Roles. 2017;76(5):319-333. doi:10.1007/s11199-016-0604-3

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Harvard Business Review.Skilled incompetence.Sakuragi T, Tanaka R, Tsuji M, et al.Gender differences in housework and childcare among Japanese workers during the COVID-19 pandemic.J Occup Health. 2022;64(1):e12339. doi:10.1002/1348-9585.12339Cerrato J, Cifre E.Gender inequality in household chores and work-family conflict.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1330. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01330Newkirk K, Perry-Jenkins M, Sayer AG.Division of household and childcare labor and relationship conflict among low-income new parents.Sex Roles. 2017;76(5):319-333. doi:10.1007/s11199-016-0604-3

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Harvard Business Review.Skilled incompetence.Sakuragi T, Tanaka R, Tsuji M, et al.Gender differences in housework and childcare among Japanese workers during the COVID-19 pandemic.J Occup Health. 2022;64(1):e12339. doi:10.1002/1348-9585.12339Cerrato J, Cifre E.Gender inequality in household chores and work-family conflict.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1330. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01330Newkirk K, Perry-Jenkins M, Sayer AG.Division of household and childcare labor and relationship conflict among low-income new parents.Sex Roles. 2017;76(5):319-333. doi:10.1007/s11199-016-0604-3

Harvard Business Review.Skilled incompetence.

Sakuragi T, Tanaka R, Tsuji M, et al.Gender differences in housework and childcare among Japanese workers during the COVID-19 pandemic.J Occup Health. 2022;64(1):e12339. doi:10.1002/1348-9585.12339

Cerrato J, Cifre E.Gender inequality in household chores and work-family conflict.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1330. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.01330

Newkirk K, Perry-Jenkins M, Sayer AG.Division of household and childcare labor and relationship conflict among low-income new parents.Sex Roles. 2017;76(5):319-333. doi:10.1007/s11199-016-0604-3

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