Why Threatening Divorce During an Argument Will Harm Your Marriage

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsThoughts vs. ThreatsWhy People Threaten DivorceEffects of ThreatsAlternativesWhat to Say InsteadConsider Counseling

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Thoughts vs. Threats

Why People Threaten Divorce

Effects of Threats

Alternatives

What to Say Instead

Consider Counseling

Close

Marriage is hard, and arguments are inevitable. When there is tension in your marriage, unspoken or unresolved hurts may build up and minor disagreements can easily escalate into full-blown fights. Everyone has their triggers, and our partners often have the ability toset us offin a way no other person can. But in healthy marriages, there is an understanding that you are in this together.

Still, when you aredeeply hurtor angry, it can be tempting to consider cutting ties (or at least threaten it). The heat of the moment can bring out potent words—like “divorce”—we don’t really mean. But bringing up divorce to make your point, be heard, or try to get your partner to understand how upset you are is rarely a good idea.

Those threats can open doors you didn’t intend to open—and aren’t always easy to shut.

The 10 Best Online Couples Therapy Services We Tried and Tested

Occasionally thinking about what your life might be like without your partner is pretty normal and possibly benign, but threatening divorce is not. According to research, thoughts of divorce are quite common over the course of a marriage. One report found that half of all married couples between the ages of 25 and 50 reported having thoughts of divorce—voiced or unvoiced—either currently or in the past.

Sometimes, pondering divorce may be simply harmless venting or processing, other times it’s more caustic—and possibly a sign of trouble for your relationship.

The Very Real Effects of Relationship Conflict

Why the D-Word Is Dangerous

It’s also important to remember thatthinkingabout divorce andsayingitare two very different things. Marriage is based on the presumption that you are both committed to the relationship, for better or for worse. When you threaten divorce, you upend the security of this agreement. Sometimes, if it is what you truly feel, it may be warranted to bring this up. But be careful if it’s not your true intention.

“During an argument, emotions are running wild, and lots of things are said that are ‘in the heat of the moment,’ but the threat of divorce should never be said,” advises psychologist and authorDr. Karen Sherman.

Whatever your situation is, when you blurt out “divorce,” it is strongly advised that you mean it, rather than issuing an empty threat to blow off steam.

“Clearly, the idea of divorce is the ultimate abandonment and goes to the core of people’sattachment issues. So, even though it is only at the moment and not really meant, the threat has been put out there and is frightening,” explains Dr. Sherman.

There are a wide variety of reasons why people contemplate or threaten divorce. Sometimes, it happens due to repeated stress that gradually reaches a breaking point, or it might revolve around a sudden or looming conflict. Other people just tend toward passionate, stream-of-consciousness or no-holds-barred conversations. Others may enjoy the extreme emotional rollercoaster of high-stakes arguing.

Every couple will have their own comfort level of what’s permissible to say to each other—and what’s not.

Regardless of your relationship’s conversation style, there are many common threads that tend to tug couples toward the D-word. General reasons people threaten divorce include:

Possible Benefits

“Thoughts about a divorce can be a healthy wake-up call to work on a marriage,” explains Dr. Alan Hawkins, a professor of Family Life at Brigham Young University. Such thoughts might give you the incentive you need to address any problems in your relationship and work toward a solution. However, bringing divorce into the fold ups the stakes and can erode trust.

While research has found that divorce ideation is quite common, approximately 90% of those who reported having thoughts of divorce ultimately stayed married.

If you have recurring thoughts (or make threats) about divorce, be sure to address this with your partner and/or a couples counselor. The thought is in your mind for a reason, figuring out why and working through the various issues behind it is the best way to protect and strengthen your marriage. Brushing off these thoughts or threats is unlikely to make them go away or solve any underlying issues.

Impact on Your Marriage

Making the threat of divorce out loud is something that can’t be easily undone, and its impact is far more negative than just having the passing thought of separation. So why is making a divorce threat so damaging to a relationship? Some of the effects can include:

Paul DePompo, PsyD, board-certified cognitive behavioral therapist and author, explains, “A spouse should never use the D-word during an argument unless this is a serious consideration and is not beingsaid in anger. The reason why it is harmful is that it opens up the door for divorce to be on the table."

He goes on to say, “This is traumatic in a sense because it brings the relationship from one that promises ‘‘till death,’ to now to saying, ‘well maybe not-so-much’.” Dr. DePompo also stresses that this can bring out a “protective mode” rather than a “problem-solving mode.”

What Is Unconditional Love?

Relationship coachChris Armstrongalso advises against using the D-word during an argument. He explains that, first and foremost, the message gets lost. “When a spouse utters the dreaded D-word, whatever was said before or after can very often fade into the background.”

Chris Armstrong, Relationship CoachWhenever you use the D-word in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs.

Chris Armstrong, Relationship Coach

Whenever you use the D-word in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs.

Denise Limongello, LMSW, a Manhattan licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert, concurs. She says, “The threat of divorce during an argument can be devastating to hear.” Limongello and other experts have some tips for what couples should do instead of bringing up divorce. Their suggestions include the following:

Make a Contract

One possible technique is to make a pact with your spouse. “Creating a ground rule with your spouse that bans the D-word from your vocabulary can be a great way to contract safety with your partner,” says Limongello. She also advises, “Making ground rules of any kind that you can both stick to can be useful in building trust within your relationship.”

She also suggests, “Don’t ever threaten, as research shows that this leads to heightened levels ofdepression and anxiety, and can even affect blood pressure levels.” Limongello believes that making threats is not a healthy behavior in a loving relationship, and there are more constructive ways to get your needs met.

Improving Your Communication Skills

Try Alternative Language

Divorce threats often stem from an inability to directly communicate the underlying problem. People might feel like they are not able to say that they are angry, hurt, or afraid. This leads them to leap directly to the ultimate weapon—the threat to end the relationship altogether.

When faced with difficult emotions or situations, people with this style of attachment may respond with fear or anger. However, it is important to know that one can learn to overcome this tendency to threaten and deal with the emotions behind it instead. Dr. Sherman suggests using alternative language to the D-word that can help to deescalate the situation.

What You Need to Know About Relationship Counseling

In the heat of the moment, Dr. Sherman believes it is more productive to express your feelings in a different way, such as, “I’m so angry (or hurt) that a part of me feels like, even though I’d never do it, I don’t want to be with you anymore.” She says that this will let your spouse know that the feeling is transitory.

Some things you can say instead:

Use the WAIT Principle

Armstrong recommends a coaching strategy called the “WAIT Principle” that helps the partner who stay on track with what they’re really trying to communicate. The goal is to ask themselves the following questions before threatening divorce:

“Whenever you use the D-word in an argument, you are removing basic human needs. You are telling your spouse the relationship is not a safe place to be or that the relationship is fragile and cannot withstand any stress or pressure,” says Armstrong.

She advises couples to “take responsibility for yourself and examine what it is that you need that you are not getting.” Dr. Ehinger also says that if you are not prepared to make good on the divorce threat, then stop making it as “divorce will get you divorced, threats will get you ignored.”

If you or your spouse have threatened divorce or are regularly having thoughts of divorce, it is time to take serious steps to figure out how to address the problem. Remember that not saying divorce out loud and just keeping your feelings inside won’t make them go away—and can cause harm to your marriage. Instead, try the strategies above. In addition, talking to a therapist may be a helpful step.

Marriage counselingcan help couples who are coping with defensiveness, anger, infidelity, substance use, and other factors that can place a strain on your relationship. By seeking professional help, couples can improve communication and address the issues that are causing problems in their marriage.

How Marriage Counseling Can Save Your Relationship, According to Therapists

Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

A Word From Verywell

If you suspect your marriage is in trouble or you are having persistent thoughts of divorce, it is important to find a way to either get back on track or explore the decision to end the relationship. The longer couples wait to address their issues, the less likely they are to overcome them. However, for those that do confront their problems, there is greater hope of creating an even stronger marriage.

13 Ways to Strengthen a Marriage and Avoid Divorce

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Hawkins AJ, Allen SE.How many married people have thought about divorce?. Institute for Family Studies. Published November 2, 2015.Brigham Young University Family Studies Center.In advance of highest divorce rate month, Brigham Young University study shows thinking about divorce is common, not cause for alarm. PR Newswire. Published December 16, 2015.Additional ReadingKardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals.Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):53109. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Hawkins AJ, Allen SE.How many married people have thought about divorce?. Institute for Family Studies. Published November 2, 2015.Brigham Young University Family Studies Center.In advance of highest divorce rate month, Brigham Young University study shows thinking about divorce is common, not cause for alarm. PR Newswire. Published December 16, 2015.Additional ReadingKardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals.Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):53109. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Hawkins AJ, Allen SE.How many married people have thought about divorce?. Institute for Family Studies. Published November 2, 2015.Brigham Young University Family Studies Center.In advance of highest divorce rate month, Brigham Young University study shows thinking about divorce is common, not cause for alarm. PR Newswire. Published December 16, 2015.

Hawkins AJ, Allen SE.How many married people have thought about divorce?. Institute for Family Studies. Published November 2, 2015.

Brigham Young University Family Studies Center.In advance of highest divorce rate month, Brigham Young University study shows thinking about divorce is common, not cause for alarm. PR Newswire. Published December 16, 2015.

Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals.Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):53109. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?