Why the "No Contact" Rule Is So Important After a Breakup

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Whether you’ve just parted from a quick fling or are ending a years-long relationship, dealing with abreakupis downright heart-wrenching. Complicated feelings of grief, relief, anger,regret, and sadness swirl around in a messy sea, and no matter how right the decision was to part ways you may find yourself missing the other deeply.

As difficult as it is to go “no contact” with someone you spent so much time with, many relationship experts believe that this is one of the best routes you can take to heal your heart, keep things uncomplicated, and move onward. Ahead, we’re explaining what “no contact” means, what its benefits are, and how you can resist that bubbling temptation to reach back out to yourex-partner.

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What Is the “No Contact” Rule?

As the phrase implies, the “no contact” rule entail cutting off all communications with your ex following a breakup. This includes not engaging in phone calls, texting, direct messages and “likes” on social media, and in-person meetups. Some even argue that looking at their social media posts is considered off limits.

“In addition to no direct contact with your previous partner, it also means not following up with mutual friends to gather any form of information about their lives,” adds Leanna Stockard, LMFT at LifeStance Health.

While you inevitably will think of your ex-partner from time to time, eliminating contact and ceasing innocent “check-ins” can help reduce how much your mind wanders back to them and your relationship. It can also help preventconfusing feelingsfor both of you.

Experts in This ArticleLeanna Stockard, LMFT, therapist atLifeStance HealthDr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, psychologist for theHope for Depression Research Foundation

Experts in This Article

Leanna Stockard, LMFT, therapist atLifeStance HealthDr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, psychologist for theHope for Depression Research Foundation

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The Benefits of Going “No Contact”

It doesn’t matter how long you dated or how amicable the ending was; breakups are incredibly painful difficult and come with a slew of confusing emotions.

“It is normal to feel upset, sad, anxious, hopeless, helpless and confused following a breakup,” says Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, PhD. “You may also find yourself reminiscing about your relationship and going over the breakup.”

Going “no contact” allows you more time to healthily process the loss and grief of your relationship. Ultimately, it can help you mend your heart, accept that the relationship is over, and begindating againonce you’re ready.

Stockard adds that following the “no contact” rule also allows prevents you from sliding back into the relationship itself, which creates confusion and can prolong your pain. This clear boundary might be difficult to contend with, especially early on, but provides structure as you move forward with your life.

Exceptions to the No Contact RuleIt’s not always possible to go completely “no contact” after ending a relationship. For example, you’ll need to stay in some form of contact if you have children together, work for the same company, or continue to spend time with the same circle of friends.In this case, Dr. Lira de la Rosa recommends maintaining minimal contact. He also suggests establishing the types of conversations that you’re OK with having and creating boundaries around when and how you spend time together.

Exceptions to the No Contact Rule

It’s not always possible to go completely “no contact” after ending a relationship. For example, you’ll need to stay in some form of contact if you have children together, work for the same company, or continue to spend time with the same circle of friends.In this case, Dr. Lira de la Rosa recommends maintaining minimal contact. He also suggests establishing the types of conversations that you’re OK with having and creating boundaries around when and how you spend time together.

It’s not always possible to go completely “no contact” after ending a relationship. For example, you’ll need to stay in some form of contact if you have children together, work for the same company, or continue to spend time with the same circle of friends.

In this case, Dr. Lira de la Rosa recommends maintaining minimal contact. He also suggests establishing the types of conversations that you’re OK with having and creating boundaries around when and how you spend time together.

Why the “No Contact” Rule Is So Important After a Breakup

How To Resist the Temptation of Breaking No Contact

If you continue to stay in contact with an ex, there is a possibility that these emotions will continue to remain high in intensity.—DR. ERNESTO LIRA DE LA ROSA

If you continue to stay in contact with an ex, there is a possibility that these emotions will continue to remain high in intensity.

—DR. ERNESTO LIRA DE LA ROSA

For that reason, it’s important to resist the temptation of calling, texting, or even snooping on them via social media.

Here are some ways you can resist the urge:

If you do fall into the temptation and contact your ex, know that it’s not the end of the world. Go back to “no contact” again and push forward.

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Is It OK To Re-Establish Contact Later?

Every breakup is different, and there’s no specific amount of time that needs to pass before contacting your ex again. And you may even realize that there’s no reason to re-establish contact at all. However, if you’re looking for a time frame, then Dr. Lira de la Rosa says to aim for about three to six months. A 2007 study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology also found that its 155 participants started feeling better right around that three-month mark.

“A good question to ask yourself is, ‘Do I still have feelings for them?’ If the answer is yes, it may be too soon to contact them,” Stockard adds. “In those instances, we may be looking to establish contact so you can get back together or vindictively show them how ‘good’ you are doing without them.”

However, if the answer is no then follow that question up with, “If I no longer feel connected to themromantically, what would be an underlying need to re-establish that connection again?”

A good question to ask yourself is, ‘Do I still have feelings for them?’ If the answer is yes, it may be too soon to contact them.—LEANNA STOCKARD, LMFT

A good question to ask yourself is, ‘Do I still have feelings for them?’ If the answer is yes, it may be too soon to contact them.

—LEANNA STOCKARD, LMFT

If it’s to alleviate awkwardness in a friend group or at work, or to try to work on a friendship, do so slowly and after establishing clear boundaries for yourself and with each other.

“If the relationship in any way wasabusive, toxic and the ‘no contact’ rule was established for safety reasons, I highly recommend never re-connecting with this partner,” adds Stockard. “Getting back into contact with this person can begin the cycle of abuse over again, whether it is the return of love-bombing or continuing to blame you for everything that you did wrong in the relationship to end the way that it did.”

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Breakups are notoriously challenging, but the “no contact” rule can help you process the difficult mix of emotions. Try to resist the temptation of re-establishing contact, which will likely create emotional confusion and prolong pain for both you and your ex. This is a time to re-invest in yourself and create a pathway for moving onward and upward.

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2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Manage Stress: Strengthen Your Support Network.Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. “Addition through subtraction: Growth following the dissolution of a low quality relationship.” January 17, 2007.https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760601069234

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Manage Stress: Strengthen Your Support Network.Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. “Addition through subtraction: Growth following the dissolution of a low quality relationship.” January 17, 2007.https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760601069234

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

American Psychological Association.Manage Stress: Strengthen Your Support Network.Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. “Addition through subtraction: Growth following the dissolution of a low quality relationship.” January 17, 2007.https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760601069234

American Psychological Association.Manage Stress: Strengthen Your Support Network.

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