Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Is a Gray Divorce?PrevalenceContributing FactorsFinancial ConsiderationsEmotional and Psychological ImpactMaintaining Health and WellnessResources and Support for Gray Divorcees

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

What Is a Gray Divorce?

Prevalence

Contributing Factors

Financial Considerations

Emotional and Psychological Impact

Maintaining Health and Wellness

Resources and Support for Gray Divorcees

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Why are older couples—after spending nearly half of their lives together—ending their relationships? This phenomenon, dubbed “gray divorce,” is one explanation for the growing number of single-person US households.

At a Glance

Gray divorce is often defined as divorce that occurs after the age of 50 following a long-term marriage. These individuals have often been married for many years or decades but ultimately decide to split during the later years of their lives.

Why are so many older couples getting divorced? Whereas younger couples divorce because of incompatible parenting styles or difficult relatives, older divorcees are more likely to split due to empty nest syndrome, infidelity, and financial differences. Instead of fighting over custody of the kids, elderly couples are more likely to argue over pension plans and retirement savings. Divorce can take a massive financial toll, and older adults who are closer to retirement age—or already retired—have less time to recover.

How Common Is Gray Divorce?

One 2022 study looking at historical trends in gray divorce found thatdivorce ratesamong middle-aged and older adults have increased since 1970. Gray divorce was relatively uncommon in 1970 and grew only modestly until 1990. In 1990, 8.7% of marriages among people over age 50 ended in divorce. By 2019, that number had grown to 36%.

The researchers also noted that people over the age of 65 are the only age group with growing divorce rates. In contrast, the divorce rate among adults in their 20s and 30s has actually declined in recent years.

Generational Influences

Other factors that increase the risk for gray divorce include the number of previous marriages and the number of years a person has been married.Remarriagesare less likely to last, and people who have been married nine years or less are more likely to divorce.

Factors Contributing to Gray Divorce

So why are many couples opting to split after weathering many of the challenges they’ve faced earlier in their relationship? The reasons why a long-term couple opts for divorce vary from one situation to the next. Some common factors that appear to play a major role include:

Empty Nest Syndrome

Kids leaving the home can create a big shift in a relationship, sometimes resulting in what is commonly called “empty nest syndrome.” Couples may find that once their children no longer live at home, they have little in common outside of their roles as parents. This can make it hard tofind closeness and connection, leading many adults to seek fulfillment outside their relationship.

“For many couples, the children have been the source of their connection,” saysKimberley Best, RN, MA,a dispute resolution expert and founder of Best Conflict Solutions. “When the children are gone, some couples realize they have drifted apart and no longer have shared interests or a strong connection.”

Financial Issues

Arguments over money can become more pronounced as couples near retirement age. It becomes harder to find common ground and maintain the peace, as people contemplate leaving the workforce.Financial infidelity—such as hiding bills, large purchases, debts, or secret bank accounts—can also affect the stability of a long-term marriage.

Retirement plans may hang in the balance when a couple’s financial behavior and goals are out of sync. Ending the relationship may sometimes seem like the only way to resolve such differences.

Infidelity

Cheating is one of the most common reasons for divorce at any age, including among older couples.Infidelityis a bitter betrayal. After spending a lifetime building shared memories with another person, watching it crumble down due to unfaithfulness can make it too difficult torepair the trustand intimacy a couple once shared.

Health Problems

Health challenges likea serious chronic conditioncan majorly strain a relationship. Some couples find that they’re unable to handle health issues that emerge as they age.

Notably, research indicates there is a gender disparity in how health problems affect couples. Studies reported a higher divorce risk if the wife develops a chronic illness, whereas men who become disabled or ill do not face the same level of risk.

Growing Apart

One of the most significant causes of gray divorce is thechanges people experience as they age. Growing apart is the most frequently cited reason for divorce at any age. For older adults specifically, aging represents a big change, and people’s priorities, interests, and needs may shift as they grow older.

Some couples might grow closer during this time, but others might find their values and priorities too different, leading some couples to choose separate paths.

Changing Expectations

Our expectations for what we consider ahealthy, satisfying marriagehave also changed over time. Today, couples are more likely to place a greater emphasis on how the relationship makes them feel,including whether it contributes to their overallhappinessand fulfillment. When a relationship or a person’s needs shift, it may no longer meet these criteria, which is why some people may opt to end things.

Societal Changes

Societal changes have also influenced this relationship upheaval. Older adults were often raised with the expectation that they would marry, have children, and grow old together. Today, many now recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all path to a happy life, and women have more freedom and financial independence to past generations.

As a result, people are less likely to stay in marriages that don’t meet their needs, even if it means calling it quits after spending decades together.  Engler notes that other factors such as increased life expectancy have also played a part.

“With increased life expectancy, many people—particularly women—look down the road at what remains of their life and think, ‘Why would I want to spend these years in a bad marriage? I still have a life to live, and I want to be happy,'” she adds.

One study found that attitudes toward divorce have become more supportive among people over the age of 50.Reduced stigma around the idea of divorce may also lead people to choose to leave rather than stay in an unhappy or unsatisfying relationship.

Financial Considerations in Gray Divorce

It’s important to note that divorce can have serious financial consequences for couples that end their marriages later in life.

“Gray divorce can be financially devastating to both parties,” Best explains. “Often people are saving for a joint retirement. This will likely be split with divorce, leaving people with far less income than they anticipated.”

While divorce has economic impacts at any age, some considerations that are particularly significant for middle-aged and older adults include:

Signs a Marriage Cannot Be Saved

Gray Divorce Can Reduce Financial Security

Evidence indicates that a late-life divorce has a major effect on an individual’s financial situation and well-being. For example, research has shown that gray divorcees have less financial security than their married or widowed peers.

While both men and women take a significant financial hit, evidence indicates there is a gender disparity in these effects. This risk is particularly high for gray divorced women, as they receive lower Social Security benefits, and 25% of them experience poverty.

Men and women both feel the financial toll, but the effect on women is much larger. One study found women who divorce after the age of 50 experience a 45% drop in their standard of living, compared to men who experience a 21% drop.

On the societal level, older couples who divorce can create challenges for an already strained housing market. Finding housing that is affordable, accessible, and safe for the needs of an aging population can be particularly difficult.

Emotional and Psychological Impact of Gray Divorce

Gray divorce also has profound emotional effects. It’s a significant life change at any age, but this transition can be especially difficult when it happens after a long-term marriage. Elderhood is often a point where many people feel settled but gray divorces can have their sense of security upended.

Grief and Loss

It’s normal for people to feel a sense of grief and loss when they let go of a shared connection and the dreams and hopes they once shared together. For some, the loss of what was one of the most significant relationships in their life can feel very much like experiencingthe death of a loved one.

Stress, Anxiety, and Depression

The mental health effects of gray divorce are also important to consider. Some people experience a sense of renewal and freedom as they let go of a relationship that no longer serves them. Others, particularly those who didn’t initiate the divorce, may be left struggling with feelings of stress, anxiety, or depression.

“Whena lifetime partnership ends, they must find a way to readjust and rethink what brings them meaning, purpose, and connection,” explainsMichelle Feng, MD, Chief Clinical Officer at the behavioral healthcare team of Executive Mental Health. “Divorce can take away some of the built in structure of interacting with others that occurs as a couple and a family. Without it, we can feel aimless, not a part of the rest of society, and lonely.”

Loss of Identity

A loss of identity might also be a consequence of gray divorce. People are forced to grapple with changes to their sense of self and find ways to redefine themselves outside of their marriage. A person’sself-esteemand self-worth can also take a hit. They may be left struggling with feelings of inadequacy andrejection.

Loneliness and Isolation

Older adults are particularly at risk for experiencinglonelinessas they grow older, and that risk can be heightened following a late-life divorce. One report found that one-third of people over age 45 and one-quarter of those over 65 are consideredsocially isolated.

The loss of a partner, changes in their social networks, and the challenges of adjusting to life as a single person can make a person feel overwhelmed and alone.

Engler notes that loneliness is a problem she sees often in her own practice, particularly among men. “They typically focused their time and energy on work throughout their lives, often letting friendships lapse or they leaned heavily on their wives to maintain their social life,” she says. “Once divorced, they find themselves without the skills or confidence to do it on their own.”

Social isolation and loneliness are linked to a higher risk for health problems, including dementia, coronary artery disease, and stroke.

Health Effects

Gray divorce can also have a range of health effects. In general, marriage is associated with better health and greater longevity. Married people tend to be healthier and live longer than their unmarried counterparts.

While that might be the case more generally, that doesn’t mean that each individual marriage is good for a person’s health. An unhappy marriage can be a source of considerable stress and strife, which is associated with a range of negative health effects.

In such instances, a low-quality marriage may actually lead to worse health outcomes. For people inunhealthy relationships, ending the marriage may ultimately have a positive impact on overall health and well-being.

Maintaining Health and Wellness During Gray Divorce

Gray divorce can be a major transition, but there are steps you can take to help maintain your health and well-being if you decide to split from your partner later in life.

Feng stresses that separation and divorce are highly personal. “Don’t let the statistics make you afraid or drive you in a way that is not in line with what you want to do,” she says. “It is easier now to get a divorce, although still difficult financially. But like any great lifestyle change, it will require a period of adjustment.”

The experts we spoke to suggest taking the following steps to protect your well-being and help you thrive following a divorce:

Find Support

Having the support of friends and family is pivotal. Loneliness is a common problem for older single adults, somaintaining social connectionsoutside of your marriage can help mitigate this risk.

Get out of the house and interact with other people. Join a class, go to the park, volunteer. Whether it’s with people you know or complete strangers, do something to reactivate that social part of you. The more you engage, the easier this new stage of life becomes.—DR. MICHELLE FENG, MD

Get out of the house and interact with other people. Join a class, go to the park, volunteer. Whether it’s with people you know or complete strangers, do something to reactivate that social part of you. The more you engage, the easier this new stage of life becomes.

—DR. MICHELLE FENG, MD

Give Yourself Time

While divorce is difficult at any age, ending a long-term relationship might be harder to process. Give yourself time and grace as you navigate these complex emotions. It’s normal to feel grief, sadness, anger, bitterness, and relief.

Set Boundaries

Create and maintainboundarieswith your ex, as well as with kids and friends who may feel the need to express their opinions about the end of your relationship.

Practice Self-Care

The sudden change in your routine, relationships, and living situation can throw a wrench into your normal self-care routine. That’s why it is important to make an effort tomaintain routinesand stick with your self-care goals.

Talk to a Financial Counselor

Because financial and economic changes are common after a gray divorce, consider talking to a financial professional. They can help you develop a budget appropriate for your new financial situation and help manage debt, so you’re better prepared for your financial future.

Manage Stress

Divorce is stressful, and dealing with the changes you’re experiencing can sometimes make it hard to cope. Look for relaxation techniques that can help combat symptoms of stress.Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, yoga,mindfulness, and meditation are just a few you might try.

Cultivate New Connections

The reality is that your relationships will likely change after a gray divorce. You may spend less time with many of your shared friends or even lose those relationships altogether. That’s why it’s so important to seek out new social connections as you rebuild your life as a single person. This can involvemaking new friends, or it might even include eventuallydating again, whether that involvescasual datingor seeking a new long-term partner.

As hard as it can feel to do this, try to push the edges of your comfort zone when you can. Try new things, meet new people, and do the things you always wanted to do but didn’t when you were married. The clients I see do this and end up feeling empowered and fulfilled in ways they never imagined they could.—KATE ENGLER, LMFT, CST

As hard as it can feel to do this, try to push the edges of your comfort zone when you can. Try new things, meet new people, and do the things you always wanted to do but didn’t when you were married. The clients I see do this and end up feeling empowered and fulfilled in ways they never imagined they could.

—KATE ENGLER, LMFT, CST

While divorce signifies the end of one of the most significant and long-lasting relationships in your life, that doesn’t mean that you need to go it alone. There are a variety of resources and support networks that can help gray divorcees navigate the challenges that come from these later-in-life events.

“Finding support and community are critical during and after a divorce,” Engler says. “Find a therapist. Find a support group. Find other people who have experienced divorce, understand what you have been through, and don’t judge you.”

A few options include:

Family and Friends

Friends, family, and loved ones can be one of your most powerful forms of support. In addition to offering practical assistance and guidance (since they may have experience with their own divorces), trusted friends and family members can also be a source of companionship and emotional support.

Mental Health Professionals

For divorcees struggling with the aftereffects of a divorce, a licensed mental health professional can be a valuable source of insight and support. Talking to a therapist can help you process your emotions, develop new coping strategies, and make a plan for how to deal with some of the challenges you will face during and after a divorce.

Financial Advisors

Since gray divorce has significant financial implications, it’s important to work with a qualified financial planner or advisor. Look for someone with experience advising divorced clients, so you can receive the best possible guidance on how to budget, plan for retirement, and manage your debts.

Talk to a divorce attorney to learn more about your legal rights and obligations as you navigate your divorce. Best also recommends seeking help from a mediator/conflict manager to resolve disputes that arise during a gray divorce.

“Mediation is a confidential, blame-free, nonjudgmental way to be heard, to listen to the underlying needs, and to try to design a way forward that works for both parties and their circles of influence,” she explains. “If you decide being apart is best, you can work together with a mediator to decide how to do that.”

Support Groups

Look in your area or check online for adivorce support group. You might join a more general group or one that is specifically geared toward older adults. This can be a great way to learn from others, gain validation, and build a sense of community with people who have similar experiences.

Online Resources

You may also find it helpful to explore online articles, forums, and organizations that offer information and advice regarding gray divorce. Reading stories about other people’s experiences can be a helpful way to learn from the lived experiences of others who have been in the same place as you.

The 10 Best Online Divorce Counseling Services, Tried and Tested

13 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

U.S. Census Bureau.Love and loss among older adults.

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Lin IF, Brown SL, Hammersmith AM.Marital biography, social security receipt, and poverty.Res Aging. 2017;39(1):86-110. doi:10.1177/0164027516656139

Lin IF, Brown SL.The economic consequences of gray divorce for women and men. Carr DS, ed.The Journals of Gerontology: Series B. 2021;76(10):2073-2085. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbaa157

National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine.Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults: Opportunities for the Health Care System. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press. 2020. doi:10.17226/25663

Donovan NJ, Blazer D.Social isolation and loneliness in older adults: Review and commentary of a National Academies Report.Am J Geriatr Psychiatry. 2020;28(12):1233-1244. doi:10.1016/j.jagp.2020.08.005

Robles TF.Marital quality and health: Implications for marriage in the 21st century.Curr Dir Psychol Sci. 2014;23(6):427-432. doi:10.1177/0963721414549043

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