Why Is Dating So Hard?

If you're wondering why dating is so hard, you're not alone. Nearly half of Americans think it's harder than it was 10 years ago. Here's what to do.

January 17, 2025 · 9 min · 1813 words · Julia Baker

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Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhy Is Dating So Hard?What to Do About Dating Being So Hard

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Why Is Dating So Hard?

What to Do About Dating Being So Hard

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Unless you met your partner in high school, you’ve likely done some dating in your life—so you’ve probably exclaimed “Why is dating so hard??” to friends at least once or twice. In fact, you might even have found this article searching for that, out of exasperation.

You’re not alone if you’re feeling this way. Data shows that nearly half of Americans think dating is harder now than it was 10 years ago.Some reasons include more physical and emotional risk, advances in technology, it being harder to meet people, and shifting societal expectations.

Datingopens even the most well-adjusted to uncertainty and vulnerability. You’re wondering if your interest in the other person is reciprocated, worried about if you’re beingtoovulnerable, potentially worrying about your body, and if there’ssexual chemistry—there’s a lot you’re putting out there.

Why Didn’t You Get a Second Date? A Relationship Coach Breaks It Down

You and your friends may have exchanged plenty of dating horror stories, confirming the rumors that “It is a minefield out there.” But there are those who say “It’s just a numbers game,” if you date enough people, eventually you will find someone you connect with.

There are myriad reasons why dating is so hard, though one psychologist we talked to says that itshouldbe hard to a degree. And while technology has made some facets of dating easier, it has also complicated others.

The Paradox of Choice

The paradox of choice is that it’s actually harder to pick the more options you have.With the advent of dating apps and social media connecting us to more than just the people we know in our areas or might serendipitously meet somewhere, if you’re thinking dating now is harder than it was in your parents’ generation or even ten or fifteen years ago, you’re not wrong.

Datingshouldbe hard on a certain level. It’s a careful decision and you want to be open but not too open, and it’s hard to find that sweet spot.—CHLOE CARMICHAEL, PHD

Datingshouldbe hard on a certain level. It’s a careful decision and you want to be open but not too open, and it’s hard to find that sweet spot.

—CHLOE CARMICHAEL, PHD

Personal Expectations

Many people go into a date thinking or hoping that this may be their last date—or this is the person they’re going to marry. It may be rooted in a romantic fantasy that has been building since childhood. Think about it in terms of friendship—you wouldn’t go to a party thinking you’re going to meet your best friend that night, right? Why is dating any different?

Societal Expectations

Though this seems to be changing, albeit slowly, many of us were raised seeing the typical family unit depicted in culture as aheternormativemarried couple of a man and a woman with two kids and a house in the suburbs.

Dating Apps

If you’re currently out in the dating world, odds are high thatyou’re using a dating app. These days, nearly 40% of people report meeting their significant other online.We know—dating apps can feel really difficult to navigate.

“Apps, on one level, make it harder to sort through,” saysDr. Carmichael. “However, it makes it easier to locate a broader swath of people you might not ordinarily be exposed to—and establish right off the bat that you’re single and ready to date.”

Safety

People, particularly women, are perhaps more worried about theirsafetythan they’ve ever been before. The rise of online dating and technology, in general, adds new concerns, such as being catfished (someone pretending to be someone they are not), receiving unwanted explicit photos, or someone sharingyourexplicit photos without your consent.

Additionally, social media gives us theillusionof visibility into others’ relationships in ways we’ve never had access to before. Illusion, because most people aren’t posting about that big fight they had last night or the difficult parts of navigating a relationship through adversity.

It’s easy—if you don’t catch yourself—to believe that everyone is in this beautiful, magical relationship and you’re the only one alone. In a survey, one-third of the single people who responded said that seeing these kinds of posts made them feel worse about themselves.

Yes, dating can be hard—but don’t despair. There’s ways to get through it and even enjoy it while you’re looking for your mate.

Have Fun

Be determined to relax and have fun with the dating process. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself or your date to meet all of the criteria of a potential marriage partner. Make it an opportunity to get to know new people, and even get to know yourself better.

And just like the old adage “Don’t go to the grocery store when you are hungry,” make sure you are not feeling desperate, lonely, or still recovering from a recent breakup. You don’t want to start out in a position ofvulnerabilitywhere you might take anything you can get.

Keep a Log

Dating is so hard for many because of a loss of a sense of control. You may feel you are being judged, compared to others, and a little unsure of yourself. For some, it can feel like a massive mind game, and you even may start to wonder if your mind is playing tricks on you. Was that datereallyas great as you’re remembering it right now or are you just longing for connection?

Carmichael has sometipson how to withstand this emotional rollercoaster. One thing she suggests is keeping a dating log (think of it as similar to athought logused for anxiety). “Every time you go on a date with someone,” she says, “just write one or two lines. Each person gets one page where you write what you did, if there was any physical contact, if the next date was planned, and who initiated it.” You may also want to note who paid, and if were there any red flags to keep your eye on.

She says that this practice can help people stay grounded in the “facts” rather than how things are feeling right now. For example, maybe you’re freaking out because you haven’t seen your date in a few days, but you look back at your log and see that it’s actually normal for you to see them about once a week.

Hedge Your Bets

Many people are so uncomfortable with uncertainty andliminalitythat they rush into relationships. Learn to become a little more comfortable in the gray areas of the getting-to-know-you stages.

Benching in Dating: What to Do When You’ve Been Sidelined

Keep in Mind

Dating is hard, but we hope this article makes you feel a little less alone. Taking breaks can help if you feel burnt out, or you might want to consider talking to amental health professionalif you can’t stop thinking about this or you feel like you are having an especially hard time with dating.

Relationship Questions to Ask Your Partner to Take Your Connection Next Level

6 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Barroso A.Key takeaways on Americans’ views of and experiences with dating and relationships. Pew Research Center.Schwartz B.The paradox of choice. In: Joseph S, ed.Positive Psychology in Practice. 1st ed. Wiley; 2015:121-138. doi:10.1002/9781118996874.ch8Brown A.Public attitudes about today’s dating landscape. Pew Research Center.Goldberg WA, Kelly E, Matthews NL, Kang H, Li W, Sumaroka M.The more things change, the more they stay the same: Gender, culture, and college students’ views about work and family: gender, culture, and work-family views of students.Journal of Social Issues. 2012;68(4):814-837. doi:10.1111/j.1540-4560.2012.01777.xRodriguez M.Recreating gender roles: An examination of dating practices among feminist college women.Thesis. Texas A & M University; 2016.Rosenfeld MJ, Thomas RJ, Hausen S.Disintermediating your friends: How online dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting.PNAS. 2019;116(36):17753-17758. doi:10.1073/pnas.1908630116

6 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Barroso A.Key takeaways on Americans’ views of and experiences with dating and relationships. Pew Research Center.Schwartz B.The paradox of choice. In: Joseph S, ed.Positive Psychology in Practice. 1st ed. Wiley; 2015:121-138. doi:10.1002/9781118996874.ch8Brown A.Public attitudes about today’s dating landscape. Pew Research Center.Goldberg WA, Kelly E, Matthews NL, Kang H, Li W, Sumaroka M.The more things change, the more they stay the same: Gender, culture, and college students’ views about work and family: gender, culture, and work-family views of students.Journal of Social Issues. 2012;68(4):814-837. doi:10.1111/j.1540-4560.2012.01777.xRodriguez M.Recreating gender roles: An examination of dating practices among feminist college women.Thesis. Texas A & M University; 2016.Rosenfeld MJ, Thomas RJ, Hausen S.Disintermediating your friends: How online dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting.PNAS. 2019;116(36):17753-17758. doi:10.1073/pnas.1908630116

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Barroso A.Key takeaways on Americans’ views of and experiences with dating and relationships. Pew Research Center.Schwartz B.The paradox of choice. In: Joseph S, ed.Positive Psychology in Practice. 1st ed. Wiley; 2015:121-138. doi:10.1002/9781118996874.ch8Brown A.Public attitudes about today’s dating landscape. Pew Research Center.Goldberg WA, Kelly E, Matthews NL, Kang H, Li W, Sumaroka M.The more things change, the more they stay the same: Gender, culture, and college students’ views about work and family: gender, culture, and work-family views of students.Journal of Social Issues. 2012;68(4):814-837. doi:10.1111/j.1540-4560.2012.01777.xRodriguez M.Recreating gender roles: An examination of dating practices among feminist college women.Thesis. Texas A & M University; 2016.Rosenfeld MJ, Thomas RJ, Hausen S.Disintermediating your friends: How online dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting.PNAS. 2019;116(36):17753-17758. doi:10.1073/pnas.1908630116

Barroso A.Key takeaways on Americans’ views of and experiences with dating and relationships. Pew Research Center.

Schwartz B.The paradox of choice. In: Joseph S, ed.Positive Psychology in Practice. 1st ed. Wiley; 2015:121-138. doi:10.1002/9781118996874.ch8

Brown A.Public attitudes about today’s dating landscape. Pew Research Center.

Goldberg WA, Kelly E, Matthews NL, Kang H, Li W, Sumaroka M.The more things change, the more they stay the same: Gender, culture, and college students’ views about work and family: gender, culture, and work-family views of students.Journal of Social Issues. 2012;68(4):814-837. doi:10.1111/j.1540-4560.2012.01777.x

Rodriguez M.Recreating gender roles: An examination of dating practices among feminist college women.Thesis. Texas A & M University; 2016.

Rosenfeld MJ, Thomas RJ, Hausen S.Disintermediating your friends: How online dating in the United States displaces other ways of meeting.PNAS. 2019;116(36):17753-17758. doi:10.1073/pnas.1908630116

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