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Other Strategies

A Last Resort

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Some people get what they want after issuing an ultimatum in a relationship. However, taking this approach doesn’t always have a positive outcome. At a minimum, it can create a wedge between partners, sometimes evenbringing the relationship to an end.

Here we examine the impact of ultimatums in relationships, as well as when they may be beneficial. We also offer effective alternatives for getting one’s desires across to their partner without demanding that a choice be made. This can help create a healthier relationship that isn’t built on demands.

13 Red Flags in Relationships

What Is an Ultimatum?

An ultimatum is a warning or demand issued to one’s partner to act in a specified way within a specified period or they risk losing the relationship. Ultimatums can rear their heads in many different ways in a relationship. Some examples include:

If we find that we are constantly urging our partner to walk a tightrope or risk losing the relationship, we may be guilty of issuing ultimatums to our loved ones.

The Harm of Ultimatums In Relationships

Relationship therapist and host of E! Network’s “Famously Single,“Darcy Sterling(aka Dr. Darcy), LCSW, explains that “setting an ultimatum is the relationship equivalent of nuclear warfare.”

Andrea Dindinger,LMFT, a marriage and family therapist, agrees. Dindinger states that ultimatums are never a good idea, adding that “people make ultimatums when theyfeel powerless to change the other person.”

Issuing an ultimatum in a relationship can be especially damaging if they’re used regularly. “Overusing an ultimatum isemotionally abusive,” says Dr. Darcy, “because it undermines the security within the relationship.”

Marriage and family therapistMegan Harrison, LMFT, goes into more detail about the dangers of ultimatums, saying, “They are particularly damaging because they are threats that force changes in behavior. [This] often leads to resentment andinsecurity in the relationshipsince your partners felt pressured into doing something they didn’t want to do.”

Aside from the damage that deadlines can pose for a relationship, this behavior may also be harmful to one’s interests, especially if they cannot follow through on their ultimatum.

According to Dindinger, a likely risk of issuing ultimatums is that the person giving the ultimatum “loses the respect and credibility of their partner, and the even more severe consequence is the loss of self-respect. When you lose trust in yourself, that’s a whole lot harder to regain than letting someone go who is not listening to you or [not] taking your wants and needs seriously.”

Ultimatums In Relationships Aren’t Always Bad

With all the negatives surrounding ultimatums, it may seem hard to imagine any good coming from this practice. But, in some instances, an ultimatum might be necessary.

A Partner’s Behavior Is Harmful or Potentially Dangerous

Dr. Darcy notes that an ultimatum may be effective if a partner is exhibiting some kind of dangerous or potentially harmful behavior. Examples include:

These behaviors can take a serious toll on a relationship. In severe cases,drug or alcohol addictioncan even be fatal. So, ultimatums may be necessary in these instances.

If you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you or a loved one are struggling with substance use or addiction, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

A Partner Crosses the Line

If a person hasrelationship dealbreakersand their partner is crossing one, an ultimatum may be a good idea. This is especially problematic if the partner has communicated their dealbreakers clearly and the other person has not made an effort to correct their behaviors.

Some dealbreakers may be:

Major issues like these may require a partner to put their foot down in the relationship. At the same time, when dealbreakers are more trivial (e.g., whether or not the toilet seat should be kept up), an ultimatum will likely fall on deaf ears.

Other Strategies to Try Instead of an Ultimatum

Maybe our partner is miserly with their affections, or perhaps they’recarrying on with a habitthat is pulling the relationship apart. Since ultimatums don’t always produce the desired effects, what alternatives are there?

Open and Clear Communication

Harrison says, “One of the best ways to work through your relationship problems without using an ultimatum is through clear and open communication.” If there’s anyone who gets the privilege to witness uswhen we are vulnerable, it’s our partner.

It’s important to state clearly how their actions and behavior affect us. We also benefit from sharing our hopes for the relationship in a trusted way. Together, both of these approaches can help us get all the cards on the table.

Being open will allow our partners to understand exactly how we feel. It also permits them to open up in the same way.

She recommends that couples indulge in weekly relationship meetings to stay on top of things that are working and address issues that may need to be resolved in the relationship.

Poor Communication Skills Can Lead to Loads of Stress—Here’s What to Do

Setting Boundaries

Another excellent alternative to making ultimatums in relationships iscreating boundaries. Whereas ultimatums focus on behavioral changes we want our partner to make, boundaries focus on us and the things that we require to be happy and feel secure in our relationship.

In particular, communicating our worries or displeasures to our partners can do wonders for our grievances in the relationship. It also helps promote ourgrowth as a couple.

RecapPrioritizing communication and healthy boundaries when there are disputes can help us cultivate a healthier relationship—without ultimatums.

Recap

Prioritizing communication and healthy boundaries when there are disputes can help us cultivate a healthier relationship—without ultimatums.

Using Ultimatums as a Last Resort

Ultimatums in relationships should be the very last option for achieving desired results. This is because cornering a partner to behave in a certain way and within a specific time frame can strip the free will and comfort from the relationship.

Instead, we should focus on healthy communication and clear boundaries so that we don’t have to resort to ultimatums. Speaking with acouple’s therapistcan help with both of these issues, creating a stronger relationship.

How to Express Your Feelings

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