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At a GlanceTrying to unpack the worry that your mom hates you is complex and something you don’t have to face alone. You can free yourself of guilt and responsibility for your mother’s behavior and learn ways to cope that protect and support your mental well-being.
At a Glance
Trying to unpack the worry that your mom hates you is complex and something you don’t have to face alone. You can free yourself of guilt and responsibility for your mother’s behavior and learn ways to cope that protect and support your mental well-being.
Worrying that your mom hates you is a complicated and deeply hurtful experience. Since our mothers are our introduction to the world, it makes sense that we tend to feel a strong connection to that half of our parental unit.
Your relationship with your mom might feel simple—youloveand respect them and they love and respect you. However, our mothers can also have more complex roles in our lives, and sometimes our relationship with them hurts.
In this article, we’ll be breaking down some of the scenarios that can cause you as an adult to question your mother’s love, the possible reasons behind these feelings, as well as the different ways to cope with feeling unloved.
What Does Having “Mommy Issues” Mean?
Why Does My Mom Hate Me?
If you’re worried that your mom hates you, the hurt, confusion, and vulnerability will probably feel pretty big. It’s hard in those moments, but try to step out of your feelings for a moment so you can look at the situation more objectively.
According to psychotherapist Valentina Dragomir, “there could be many reasons why a child may think their mother hates them. Perhaps the child is feeling neglected or unsupported, and has interpreted this as hatred.”
Dragomir says that sometimes, a child comes to think their mom hates them because they “witnessed their mother behaving angrily towards others, and has mistakenly assumed that this anger is directed at them.”
And then there’s the “it’s not you, it’s me” experience of growing up. Dragomir says that a kid thinking their mom hates them “could also be that the child is simply going through a phase of rebelliousness, during which they naturally assume that their parents must be against them.”
If you’re a little overwhelmed trying to piece together how you came to feel the way you do about your relationship with your mother, don’t worry. We’ll walk you through it. Here are a few reasons you might think your mom hates you, and how you can work through your feelings.
Protecting Your Mental Health at Family Dinners
Your Mother Always Finds Fault With You
Criticismis not always a bad thing. Listening to others give honest feedback about qualities like our work ethic,communication skills, or relationships can be chances for us to grow.
However, being on the receiving end of harsh reviews can feel hurtful, especially when the person giving those hard-to-hear critiques is your mother.
If your mom often criticizes various aspects of your life and behavior, you might start to feel like she hates everything you do—and maybe that she even hates you. While it can definitely be hard to hear, your mother might have your best interest at heart when she shares her observations with you.
If it’s coming out harshly, consider that she may not feel negatively toward you—she might actually be struggling to say what she wants to say in the way she’d like to say it.
Constant criticism, however, is not necessarily going to be more helpful. If your mom always finds something “wrong” with you andhas something negative to say about every part of your life, this dynamic is not going to be a supportive one.
How to Stop Taking Everything Personally
Your Mother Won’t Spend Time With You
We’ve all had periods in our lives when it seems like we just do not have enough time in the day to balance work, family, and relationships.
If you can’t think of the last time that you hung out with your mom and she hasn’t reached out to ask to visit or chat, you might feel hurt and like she doesn’t care about you.
Take a step back and try to think about what’s going on in both of your lives. Is she really busy with her work or hobbies? Has she been dealing with health concerns? Have you been taking on a lot at work or at home, and maybe giving her the sense that you’re really busy and need time to handle all the things you have to do?
In this case, it might be as simple as giving your mom a quick call or text to check in and find a time to get together. She might have been avoiding asking (even if she wanted to) because she didn’t want to add something else to your to-do list. Or, if she’s been busy, she might not know that you feel deprived.
However, if your mother always seems hesitant to commit to plans, cancels on you with weak and even overly elaborate reasons, or is always impatient to leave when you do get together, these actions could make you question whether she actually wants to spend time with you. It might even make you question the closeness and connectedness of your relationship.
Dragomir says that “there could be many reasons for a strained relationship between mother and child. Perhaps the child is going through a rebellious phase, and the mother is struggling to deal with their behavior. It could be that the mother is working long hours and feels too tired to engage with her child. Or, if the mother is dealing with her own personal issues, this makes it difficult for her to be emotionally available for her child.”
What Does Being Enmeshed with a Parent Mean?
Your Mother Is Mean to You
Some people describe their moms as warm, attentive, and kind—but not everyone. When you think of your mother, the words “cold,” “abusive,” or just plain “cruel” might be the first ones that jump to mind.
If your sentiment toward your mom is deeply negative, you may or may not be able to pinpoint where your feelings are coming from.
For example, if your mother always showed a preference for your siblings, you may not feel very secure about her love for you.
If your mom constantly yells at, belittles, or fights with you, that’s also a stressful indicator that your relationship is not a supportive, loving one. Maybe your mom ignores you and your feelings, which makes you feel unseen and unloved.
Can Moms Be Jealous of Their Kids?If it seems like your mother dissects and critiques every aspect of your life, you might start to feel like she’s trying to bring you down. You might not even want to share your accomplishments with her because you feel like she’s just going to rain on your parade.It’s possible that your mom is envious—or even jealous—of the life you’ve made for yourself. She might wish she had a job like yours or the kinds of relationships with others that you have—be it with your partner, friends, and even your own kids.
Can Moms Be Jealous of Their Kids?
If it seems like your mother dissects and critiques every aspect of your life, you might start to feel like she’s trying to bring you down. You might not even want to share your accomplishments with her because you feel like she’s just going to rain on your parade.It’s possible that your mom is envious—or even jealous—of the life you’ve made for yourself. She might wish she had a job like yours or the kinds of relationships with others that you have—be it with your partner, friends, and even your own kids.
If it seems like your mother dissects and critiques every aspect of your life, you might start to feel like she’s trying to bring you down. You might not even want to share your accomplishments with her because you feel like she’s just going to rain on your parade.
It’s possible that your mom is envious—or even jealous—of the life you’ve made for yourself. She might wish she had a job like yours or the kinds of relationships with others that you have—be it with your partner, friends, and even your own kids.
You may also feel like your mom makes fun of or mocks you.
Maybe your mother is known for her “dry” humor and is always the first one to make a sarcastic crack. While her jokes may have gone over your head when you were a kid, understanding them as an adult means you’ll probably be able to figure out when you’re the butt of them.
It might seem backward to sit your mom down to talk about how words can hurt since this is something that we usually learn from our parents, but it’s important.
It’s possible that she doesn’t realize her teasing is hurtful. If it is mean-spirited, she might use humor to cover up some of her own not-so-fun feelings, like insecurity.
What Is Emotional Invalidation?
You’re Afraid of Your Mother
In an ideal world, our moms would be our “safe place” from day one and continue to be a place we can return to for comfort and reassurance. But that’s not always the case, and for some people, moms are where worries and fears start.
Some mothers don’t know how to give reassurance and gentle love to their children. Even if it wasn’t on purpose, you may have felt that she was not there for you as a child and still can’t be there for you now that you’re an adult.
I Hate My Mom
Why Do Mothers Hate Their Children?
It’s possible for some people to have relationships with their mothers that are supportive and respectful of boundaries throughout their lives.However, that’s not the reality for everyone.
It’s also possible for moms to hold and show obvious disdain for their kids, and the reasons for this are complex and not always something a child (or even an adult child) can easily understand.
For example, mothers who are dealing with diagnosed or undiagnosed mental health conditions and/or substance use disorders can struggle to connect with their children and may consistently fail to care for them.
Mothers dealing with parental burnout and other stressful emotional situations without adequate support can be distant and cold towards their kids, as well as other people in their lives.
What to Do If Your Mom Seems to Hate You
Feeling like your mom hates you isn’t just a terrible way to feel in the moment—over time, these feelings can lead to depression and anxiety.
Making your mental health and well-being a priority is the first and most important thing you can do. It’s only when you’re feeling like you’re in a safe and supported space that you can start looking at your relationship with your mother and thinking about what might be behind her behavior.
Harry Harlow’s Research on Maternal Attachment
Focus on Your Needs
As a kid, you would not necessarily have known about all the “adult stuff” your parents had to face every day. To you, your mother’s disinterest or “snappiness” when you would try to engage with her just felt like hurtful rejection. You may have believed that it must be your fault and that there was something wrong with you that made your mother hate you.
Work With a Therapist
A qualified mental health professional can guide you through unpacking the complexities of your relationship with your mother, and how her treatment of you has made you feel. It’s also a safe place to work on the irrationalguiltyou may have about your mother’s behavior.
Therapy can also help you learn skills to take care of yourself and change your interactions with your mother to be more supportive of your mental well-being.
What Are the Signs Your Mom Is Toxic?
Tell Your Mother How You Feel
But there can be power incommunicatingyour feelings. In clear language, tell your mom how her behavior has affected you and the relationship you have with her.
In this situation, you might be the one who gets the “wake-up call” that your relationship with your mother is not emotionally safe and supportive. If she’s not willing or able to help repair it, know that you are not responsible for doing all the fixing yourself.
How Attachment Theory Works
Distance Yourself From Your Mom and Enforce Boundaries
If you opened up to your mother about your pain and it only made things worse, it’s time to think about setting boundaries.
Distancing yourself from your mom can be physical and emotional. For example, if you’ve been living at home, it might be time to move out if you’re able to. If you’ve been taking your mom’s calls every day, it might be time to let them go to voicemail.
If You Can’t Safely LeaveIf you’re in an unsafe situation and can’t distance yourself from your mom or if trying to do so would threaten your safety, there are resources that can help you.If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
If You Can’t Safely Leave
If you’re in an unsafe situation and can’t distance yourself from your mom or if trying to do so would threaten your safety, there are resources that can help you.If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
If you’re in an unsafe situation and can’t distance yourself from your mom or if trying to do so would threaten your safety, there are resources that can help you.
If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates.
For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.
Setting Boundaries With Your Mom
Turn to Others For Support
If you’ve had to distance yourself from your mother and you’re trying to cope with feelings that she hates you, it’s important to reach out to other people in your life for support.
You can build a loving family with people who are there for you and offer unconditional love—be it your siblings, partner, or friends.
What You Can Learn in Family Therapy
5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Parenting Matters: Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2016 Nov 21. 2, Parenting Knowledge, Attitudes, and Practices.Thomas P, Liu H, Umberson D.Family Relationships and Well-Being.Innov Aging. 2017;1(3).Rossen L, Mattick RP, Wilson J, et al.Mother-infant bonding and emotional availability at 12-months of age: The role of early postnatal nonding, maternal substance use and mental health.Matern Child Health J. 2019;23(12):1686-1698. doi:10.1007/s10995-019-02809-1Hubert S, Aujoulat I.Parental Burnout: When Exhausted Mothers Open Up.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1021.Brewer-Smyth K.Absence of a healthy parent: Mental and physical illness, substance misuse, and trauma in the life of parents, caregivers, and significant others.Springer eBooks. Published online January 1, 2022:131-154. doi:10.1007/978-3-031-08801-8_5
5 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Parenting Matters: Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2016 Nov 21. 2, Parenting Knowledge, Attitudes, and Practices.Thomas P, Liu H, Umberson D.Family Relationships and Well-Being.Innov Aging. 2017;1(3).Rossen L, Mattick RP, Wilson J, et al.Mother-infant bonding and emotional availability at 12-months of age: The role of early postnatal nonding, maternal substance use and mental health.Matern Child Health J. 2019;23(12):1686-1698. doi:10.1007/s10995-019-02809-1Hubert S, Aujoulat I.Parental Burnout: When Exhausted Mothers Open Up.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1021.Brewer-Smyth K.Absence of a healthy parent: Mental and physical illness, substance misuse, and trauma in the life of parents, caregivers, and significant others.Springer eBooks. Published online January 1, 2022:131-154. doi:10.1007/978-3-031-08801-8_5
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Parenting Matters: Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2016 Nov 21. 2, Parenting Knowledge, Attitudes, and Practices.Thomas P, Liu H, Umberson D.Family Relationships and Well-Being.Innov Aging. 2017;1(3).Rossen L, Mattick RP, Wilson J, et al.Mother-infant bonding and emotional availability at 12-months of age: The role of early postnatal nonding, maternal substance use and mental health.Matern Child Health J. 2019;23(12):1686-1698. doi:10.1007/s10995-019-02809-1Hubert S, Aujoulat I.Parental Burnout: When Exhausted Mothers Open Up.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1021.Brewer-Smyth K.Absence of a healthy parent: Mental and physical illness, substance misuse, and trauma in the life of parents, caregivers, and significant others.Springer eBooks. Published online January 1, 2022:131-154. doi:10.1007/978-3-031-08801-8_5
Parenting Matters: Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2016 Nov 21. 2, Parenting Knowledge, Attitudes, and Practices.
Thomas P, Liu H, Umberson D.Family Relationships and Well-Being.Innov Aging. 2017;1(3).
Rossen L, Mattick RP, Wilson J, et al.Mother-infant bonding and emotional availability at 12-months of age: The role of early postnatal nonding, maternal substance use and mental health.Matern Child Health J. 2019;23(12):1686-1698. doi:10.1007/s10995-019-02809-1
Hubert S, Aujoulat I.Parental Burnout: When Exhausted Mothers Open Up.Front Psychol. 2018;9:1021.
Brewer-Smyth K.Absence of a healthy parent: Mental and physical illness, substance misuse, and trauma in the life of parents, caregivers, and significant others.Springer eBooks. Published online January 1, 2022:131-154. doi:10.1007/978-3-031-08801-8_5
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