On This Page:ToggleGottman’s Four HorsemenUnresolved ConflictTrust IssuesMismatched ExpectationsLack of IntimacyIncompatibilityUnhealthy Dynamics
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What does it mean for a relationship to fail? Should a relationship ending always be considered a ‘failure’?
Relationships can teach valuable lessons and help individuals grow, even if they don’t last forever. The experiences and insights gained can benefit future relationships and personal development.
Relationships fail for many reasons, and every situation and dynamic is unique.
There’s usually more than one reason why a relationship fails—it’s often a combination of various factors that make partners feel unsatisfied and unhappy.
A couple facing away from each other looking upset and arms crossed. A broken heart concept in the background.
Gottman’s Four Horsemen
The renowned psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman has studied relationships extensively and found “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” for relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
According to Gottman’s research, these negative communication patterns are strong predictors of divorce.
Gottman recommends that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable relationship has five (or more) positive interactions.
1. Criticism
It often involves statements such as “you always” or “you never”. For example, “You never consider my feelings – you’re so selfish!” or “You never do anything around the house – you’re so lazy!”
2. Contempt
Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It involves treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, condescension, or ridicule and implies superiority towards your partner.
Contempt can be expressed through insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, eye-rolling, sneering, or malicious sarcasm.
It conveys the message that you’re superior and your partner is worthless. Contempt is highly toxic to a relationship.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. When we feel accused or attacked, we often respond with defensiveness, making excuses, denying responsibility, or even counter-attacking.
Denying responsibility and deflecting blame because you think the other is criticizing or blaming you.
For example, you might ask your partner, “Hey, did you remember to get tomatoes at the supermarket?”
If they’re defensive, they might reply, “You didn’t write it on the list, so obviously, I didn’t get it. Just do it yourself next time.”
While defensiveness is understandable, it doesn’t solve problems. Instead, it escalates tension and creates an adversarial interaction.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is when one partner completely withdraws from the interaction, shutting down, withdrawing physically and/or emotionally, and refusing to engage with the other, usually during conflict or disagreement.
Stonewallingis a form of ostracism (social rejection and exclusion) and, therefore, evokes a strong emotional response.
The stonewaller might tune out, turn away, act busy, or engage in obsessive behaviors. It’s a way of avoiding conflict, but it can be very hurtful and frustrating for the partner on the receiving end.
From an evolutionary perspective, being sensitive to signs of ostracism was vital for survival in hunter-gatherer days, as social isolation had fatal consequences.
If stonewalling is a common occurrence, it can have a detrimental impact on the health of the relationship as it leads to:
Unresolved Conflict
Every relationship has issues and unresolved conflicts – the important part is how they’re dealt with. Avoiding the issues and pretending they don’t exist creates distance between people and can lead to resentment, tension, and disengagement.
The result is unmet needs, and one or both partners harbor negative feelings towards the other. Small issues snowball and fester and can eventually explode in unexpected ways, which may cause irreversible damage.
When conflicts fester without resolution, criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling tend to arise and become increasingly destructive cycles.
Unresolved conflict often signifies and perpetuates deeper trust issues in the relationship. If conflicts persist without resolution, partners may start doubting each other’s commitment to the relationship and willingness to put in the effort to work through problems.
They may feel uncertain about each other’s intentions, dependability, and whether they can count on each other to have their back.
Trust Issues
Trust is eroded when partners don’t feel safe being vulnerable and open with each other, which is less likely when conflicts go unaddressed.
Resentment and emotional walls build up, making it harder to maintain the safety, goodwill, and benefit of the doubt essential for trust.
Betrayal, dishonesty, and breaches of trust can severely damage a couple’s sense of security and closeness and ultimately break the bond between partners. It contributes to relationship failure in several ways:
There’s often a vicious cycle where unresolved issues and dysfunctional conflict patterns like the “four horsemen” erode trust, which fuels further conflict and resolves even harder.
Breaking this cycle requires a commitment to developing healthier conflict resolution and rebuilding trust and emotional safety.
Mismatched Expectations
Cultural and societal factors can shape our expectations and experiences in relationships. In some cases, cultural norms, gender roles, and societal pressures can lead to misunderstandings,boredom, conflict, and dissatisfaction and negatively impact the relationship.
Expectations can often lead to disappointment.
If partners don’t align on important values, goals, and expectations, it can lead to conflict, and if there’s no resolution, it can lead to a breakdown in the relationship. For example,
While these couples can work towards finding common ground, sometimes these different expectations can’t be resolved.
Be mindful of howsocial media can influence expectations of romantic relationships.
Lack of Intimacy
Intimacyis the glue that holds a relationship together. It makes partners feel like a team, like they’re building a life together.
Without intimacy, partners can start to feel like they’re simply coexisting. They may stop trying to spend quality time together, keep the spark alive, or work towards shared goals. Over time, they may drift apart and feel like they no longer have a shared life.
If emotional, physical, and/or sexual intimacy is missing from a relationship, it can contribute to relationship failure in several ways:
Incompatibility
While no two people are perfectly compatible in every way, significant incompatibilities that are not effectively addressed can lead to ongoing conflict, frustration, and eventual relationship breakdown.
Here’s how various types of incompatibility can contribute to relationship failure:
Incompatibility in certain areas doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship will fail.
Still, both partners need to be open and understanding and foster good communication and compromise – if this is missing, it can become problematic.
Couples with significant incompatibilities may constantly battle over differences, feel misunderstood or unfulfilled, and wonder if they’re really with the right person.
Unhealthy Dynamics
Some relationships descend into unhealthy dynamics, such as manipulation, control, abuse, or codependency.
Codependency is a destructive yet addictive dynamic, meaning it’s unhealthy for both individuals but very difficult to get out of (due to dependence).
Sources
Gottman, J.M. & Levenson, R.W. (1992) Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-33.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
