Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsCauses and RisksPrimary ReasonsSecondary ReasonsCoping With CheatingOvercoming Infidelity
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Causes and Risks
Primary Reasons
Secondary Reasons
Coping With Cheating
Overcoming Infidelity
If you’ve been the victim of infidelity, you undoubtedly experienced a great deal of emotional anguish and were left with a lot of questions. What did I do wrong? How could my partnerbetrayme like this? The distressing questions are endless.
Perhaps the straying partner has childhood baggage—neglect,abuse, or a parent who cheated — that interferes with their ability to maintain a committed relationship. Less often, the cheater doesn’t valuemonogamy, lacks empathy, or simply doesn’t care about the consequences.
We will take a look at a number of risk factors and causes for cheating, but it’s important to point out upfront that a partner doesn’t cause their spouse to cheat. Whether it was a cry for help, an exit strategy, or a means toget revengeafter being cheated on themselves, the cheater alone is responsible for cheating.
Verywell / Jessica Olah
Understanding Causes
There’s a myriad of reasons or causes why people engage in an extramarital liaison, but certain risk factors—either with one of the individuals or the relationship as a whole—increase the odds it will happen.
Individual Risk Factors
The general rule is that it takes two to tango, or in this case, to mess up their relationship with an affair, but there are certainly exceptions. Individual factors that may increase the chance of infidelity include:
In a2018 studylooking at personality traits, women who ranked high in “neuroticism” and men who ranked higher in “narcissism” were more likely to cheat.
Risk Factors Within a Relationship
Problems in the marital relationship can also be a risk factor for cheating. Some of these include:
Tips for Talking to Your Spouse About Difficult Topics
Help! I’m in a Relationship But I Have a Crush on Someone Else
Primary Reasons for Cheating
With or without individual or marital risk factors there are a number of possible reasons for marital infidelity. Underlying many of the reasons, however, lie a few threads. One is the role of unmet needs.
One partner may be incapable of fulfilling their partner’s needs, but far too often, those needs have not been expressed. Marital partners are not mind-readers. Another is the lack of addressing problems directly.
Running away from problems (conflict avoidance) rather than staying and addressing them is another crucial element in communication and commitment in long-term relationships.
Some of the reasons cited as the cause for cheating may include:
Secondary Reasons for Cheating
In addition to the primary reasons for cheating noted above, there are secondary reasons that may lead to an affair. Some of these include:
How to Cope When You’ve Been Cheated On
Sometimes people have a suspicion that theirpartner is cheatingbut don’t have any solid evidence. While often the best approach is to be direct, you may wonder if it will cause more damage to ask directly. And, of course, the answer your spouse gives could either be the truth or a lie.
The best approach will vary for different couples, but if you’re concerned, it may be a good idea to look for some of the signs.
Signs Your Spouse Could Be Cheating
Cry for Help vs. Exit Strategy
In some relationships, an affair is a cry for help, a way to force the couple to finally face the problems that both parties are aware of but aren’t addressing. In this case, the partner often actually tries to get caught as a way of bringing the issue to the fore. Other times a partner may simply see infidelity as an exit strategy—a way to end an unhappy romantic partnership.
Regardless of the underlying reason a partner cheats, it can either devastate a relationship or be the catalyst for rebuilding it, depending upon how the infidelity is dealt with.
Can Your Marriage Survive Infidelity?
When You’ve Been Wronged
You may, however, want to explore how the dynamics between you and your spouse led you to this point. Recognizing that infidelity is a symptom of deeper issues can lead a couple to fix the underlying problems in their relationship and grow closer.
If you were the one cheated on, it’s critical to realize that you’re not responsible for your spouse making the decision to cheat. You are not to blame for his or her behavior.
Women tend to findemotional affairsmore threatening than sexual affairs, whereas men are more willing to forgive emotional affairs but for both, the most common response to learning of their partner’s affair isjealousy.
Even if you were the one wronged, working with a professional may be helpful in coping and recovering yourself. Unresolved jealousy can lead to resentment, and as the old adage claims: “Resentment is like poison you drink yourself, and then wait for the other person to die.”
Tips for Coping When Your Spouse is Unfaithful
Some couples can move past infidelity and move on to have even an even better relationship, whereas some cannot. Certainly, there are times when continuing the relationship wouldn’t be recommended.
Before you analyze the specifics of the affair from your spouse’s perspective and look at why the affair occurred in terms of his or her needs, it’s important to look at your own needs. This can be more challenging than it sounds, especially amidst the jealousy and anger.
If you were the one who had an affair, there are severalsteps you can takeif you hope to save your relationship. Foremost you need to stop cheating and lying immediately and own your choice. Being patient and giving your spouse space is essential. That doesn’t say it will work out. It may not. But without accepting full responsibility (not blaming or justifying your behavior) the chances will be low.
The chance that you canget past the affairdepends on many factors, such as the reasons why it occurred and the characteristics of both people. To truly understand and move forward, both partners will need to listen to the other (which can be extremely challenging in this setting), and not assume that their partner’s motivation or feelings would be the same as their own. You may benefit from the help of a trained therapist as well.
Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.
Get Help Now
We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.
For those who decide to try and overcome infidelity, it appears that the mutual capacity to forgive and a strong commitment to the relationship are key.
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5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.“Embracing in a female-bonded monkey species (Theropithecus gelada)": Correction to Pallante et al. (2019). J Comp Psychol. 2019; DOI: 10.1037/cfp0000012Selterman D, Garcia JR, Tsapelas I.What do people do, say, and feel when they have affairs? Associations between extradyadic infidelity motives with behavioral, emotional, and sexual outcomes.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2021;47(3):238-252. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2020.1856987Erratum for PMID 21180585. Therap Adv Gastroenterol. 2012;5(5):371. DOI: 10.1177/0192513X15581660Knopp K, Scott S, Ritchie L, Rhoades GK, Markman HJ, Stanley SM. Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships. Arch Sex Behav. 2017;46(8):2301-2311. DOI: 10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1Khalili M, Wong RJ.Underserved Does Not Mean Undeserved: Unfurling the HCV Care in the Safety Net. Dig Dis Sci. 2018;63(12):3250-3252. DOI: 10.1007/s12144-018-0079-1Additional ReadingAltgelt, E., Reyes, M., French, J. et al.Who is Sexually Faithful? Own and Partner Personality Traits as Predictors of Infidelity.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 23 March 2018.Mark, K., Janssen, E., and R. Milhausen.Infidelity in Heterosexual Couples: Demographic, Interpersonal, and Personality-Related Predictors of Extradyadic Sex.Archives of Sexual Behavior.2011. 40(5):971-982.Park, Y., and S. Park.Partner Commitment Moderates the Association Between Commitment and Interest in Romantic Alternatives.Current Psychology. 28 November 2018.Selterman, W., Garcia, J., and I. Tsapelas.Motivations for Extradyadic Infidelity Revisited.The Journal of Sex Research.2017. 2017:1-14.Weiser, A., Weigel, A., Laiasz, C. et al.Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity.Journal of Family Issues. 22 April 2015.
5 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.“Embracing in a female-bonded monkey species (Theropithecus gelada)": Correction to Pallante et al. (2019). J Comp Psychol. 2019; DOI: 10.1037/cfp0000012Selterman D, Garcia JR, Tsapelas I.What do people do, say, and feel when they have affairs? Associations between extradyadic infidelity motives with behavioral, emotional, and sexual outcomes.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2021;47(3):238-252. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2020.1856987Erratum for PMID 21180585. Therap Adv Gastroenterol. 2012;5(5):371. DOI: 10.1177/0192513X15581660Knopp K, Scott S, Ritchie L, Rhoades GK, Markman HJ, Stanley SM. Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships. Arch Sex Behav. 2017;46(8):2301-2311. DOI: 10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1Khalili M, Wong RJ.Underserved Does Not Mean Undeserved: Unfurling the HCV Care in the Safety Net. Dig Dis Sci. 2018;63(12):3250-3252. DOI: 10.1007/s12144-018-0079-1Additional ReadingAltgelt, E., Reyes, M., French, J. et al.Who is Sexually Faithful? Own and Partner Personality Traits as Predictors of Infidelity.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 23 March 2018.Mark, K., Janssen, E., and R. Milhausen.Infidelity in Heterosexual Couples: Demographic, Interpersonal, and Personality-Related Predictors of Extradyadic Sex.Archives of Sexual Behavior.2011. 40(5):971-982.Park, Y., and S. Park.Partner Commitment Moderates the Association Between Commitment and Interest in Romantic Alternatives.Current Psychology. 28 November 2018.Selterman, W., Garcia, J., and I. Tsapelas.Motivations for Extradyadic Infidelity Revisited.The Journal of Sex Research.2017. 2017:1-14.Weiser, A., Weigel, A., Laiasz, C. et al.Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity.Journal of Family Issues. 22 April 2015.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
“Embracing in a female-bonded monkey species (Theropithecus gelada)": Correction to Pallante et al. (2019). J Comp Psychol. 2019; DOI: 10.1037/cfp0000012Selterman D, Garcia JR, Tsapelas I.What do people do, say, and feel when they have affairs? Associations between extradyadic infidelity motives with behavioral, emotional, and sexual outcomes.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2021;47(3):238-252. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2020.1856987Erratum for PMID 21180585. Therap Adv Gastroenterol. 2012;5(5):371. DOI: 10.1177/0192513X15581660Knopp K, Scott S, Ritchie L, Rhoades GK, Markman HJ, Stanley SM. Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships. Arch Sex Behav. 2017;46(8):2301-2311. DOI: 10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1Khalili M, Wong RJ.Underserved Does Not Mean Undeserved: Unfurling the HCV Care in the Safety Net. Dig Dis Sci. 2018;63(12):3250-3252. DOI: 10.1007/s12144-018-0079-1
“Embracing in a female-bonded monkey species (Theropithecus gelada)": Correction to Pallante et al. (2019). J Comp Psychol. 2019; DOI: 10.1037/cfp0000012
Selterman D, Garcia JR, Tsapelas I.What do people do, say, and feel when they have affairs? Associations between extradyadic infidelity motives with behavioral, emotional, and sexual outcomes.Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. 2021;47(3):238-252. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2020.1856987
Erratum for PMID 21180585. Therap Adv Gastroenterol. 2012;5(5):371. DOI: 10.1177/0192513X15581660
Knopp K, Scott S, Ritchie L, Rhoades GK, Markman HJ, Stanley SM. Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? Serial Infidelity Across Subsequent Relationships. Arch Sex Behav. 2017;46(8):2301-2311. DOI: 10.1007/s10508-017-1018-1
Khalili M, Wong RJ.Underserved Does Not Mean Undeserved: Unfurling the HCV Care in the Safety Net. Dig Dis Sci. 2018;63(12):3250-3252. DOI: 10.1007/s12144-018-0079-1
Altgelt, E., Reyes, M., French, J. et al.Who is Sexually Faithful? Own and Partner Personality Traits as Predictors of Infidelity.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 23 March 2018.Mark, K., Janssen, E., and R. Milhausen.Infidelity in Heterosexual Couples: Demographic, Interpersonal, and Personality-Related Predictors of Extradyadic Sex.Archives of Sexual Behavior.2011. 40(5):971-982.Park, Y., and S. Park.Partner Commitment Moderates the Association Between Commitment and Interest in Romantic Alternatives.Current Psychology. 28 November 2018.Selterman, W., Garcia, J., and I. Tsapelas.Motivations for Extradyadic Infidelity Revisited.The Journal of Sex Research.2017. 2017:1-14.Weiser, A., Weigel, A., Laiasz, C. et al.Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity.Journal of Family Issues. 22 April 2015.
Altgelt, E., Reyes, M., French, J. et al.Who is Sexually Faithful? Own and Partner Personality Traits as Predictors of Infidelity.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 23 March 2018.
Mark, K., Janssen, E., and R. Milhausen.Infidelity in Heterosexual Couples: Demographic, Interpersonal, and Personality-Related Predictors of Extradyadic Sex.Archives of Sexual Behavior.2011. 40(5):971-982.
Park, Y., and S. Park.Partner Commitment Moderates the Association Between Commitment and Interest in Romantic Alternatives.Current Psychology. 28 November 2018.
Selterman, W., Garcia, J., and I. Tsapelas.Motivations for Extradyadic Infidelity Revisited.The Journal of Sex Research.2017. 2017:1-14.
Weiser, A., Weigel, A., Laiasz, C. et al.Family Background and Propensity to Engage in Infidelity.Journal of Family Issues. 22 April 2015.
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