Why Do Opposites Attract?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhy Do We Believe That Opposites Attract?Why Do Opposite Attract in Relationships?What About Couples With Mismatched Sex Drives?Pros and Cons of Dating Your OppositeSimilarities Foster Stronger Relationships

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Why Do We Believe That Opposites Attract?

Why Do Opposite Attract in Relationships?

What About Couples With Mismatched Sex Drives?

Pros and Cons of Dating Your Opposite

Similarities Foster Stronger Relationships

Why do opposites attract? It’s a question you might ask yourself if you’ve ever found yourself drawn to someone completely different than you.

The reality is that while sometimes we are attracted to people who are significantly different from us, solid relationships tend to be built on shared connections and similarities.

This article discusses why people who are wildly different from one another find themselves attracted to each other, the pros and cons of dating your opposite, and what really makes a relationship last past that initial phase ofattraction.

At a GlanceThe idea that we are drawn to our opposites is mostly a myth. Sure, it does happen, but most people are attracted to people they share things in common with—and research suggests that similarity is what makes for a satisfying, lasting relationship. Opposities do sometimes attract, especially when in comes to initial sexual chemistry. You can learn from dating someone different from you, but there’s also a lot more potential for conflict.

At a Glance

The idea that we are drawn to our opposites is mostly a myth. Sure, it does happen, but most people are attracted to people they share things in common with—and research suggests that similarity is what makes for a satisfying, lasting relationship. Opposities do sometimes attract, especially when in comes to initial sexual chemistry. You can learn from dating someone different from you, but there’s also a lot more potential for conflict.

We’ve heard it again and again. But is there real psychology behind the popular phrase “opposites attract” in relationships?

The myth that opposites attract suggest that, much like magnets, we are attracted to our polar opposites.

In old romantic movies that we viewed, we might have seen the good girl attracted to the bad boy. Or we may have a friend, a shy, retiring sort, who is attracted to an outgoing and friendly person. It seems to make sense that they’d be a good match.

For example, if a college student studies day and night in his room and is academically driven, we might set that person up with a more social student who goes out on weekends and gets less than stellar grades. The rationale is clear.

We reason that the student getting good grades will be a positive influence on the other’s study habits and the social butterfly will draw the other student out of their room for more fun times.

As a result, we erroneously conclude that complementary personalities make for better, stronger, healthier relationships. Scientific evidence has proven, however, that this is not true.

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There are a few reasons why you might be drawn to someone different from you.

Excitement

Opposites may attract at first because the other person seems new and exciting. Maybe the object of your attention is a medal-winning professional snowboarder and you are an accountant.

Or perhaps that person who entered the conference room represents something forbidden. He might come from another class, race, or socio-economic background that is different than the kind of partner your family expects you to be with, for example.

Sexual Chemistry

Upon first meeting, thephysical chemistrymight be off the charts. This might be evidence oflust. Strong sexual desire in and of itself can be healthy. It can also keep the flames of passion stoked in a long-term relationship.

But lust without emotions,intimacy, and commonalities does not make for ahealthy long-term relationship. According to scientific studies discussed below, neither does staying with our opposites.

What Is Chemistry in a Relationship?

Lack of Early Conflict

After the initial encounter and you’ve both decided to date, the ways you’re both diametrically opposed enhances the appeal of you two as a couple. In the beginning stages, the differences may still seem intriguing. That’s because differences haven’t proven to beobstacles in the relationshipyet.

Ifyour current flame or partner is your opposite, it will make for a more difficult road ahead.

Whilesexual satisfaction and frequencycontribute to healthy, long-term romantic relationships, partners having different or opposite sexual requirements is common. Past findings linked the mismatch to poorer sexual and relationship outcomes.

However, those who feel like they are opposites when it comes to sexual compatibility can rest assured. A new study sampling 366 couples found that higher desire rather than matching desire was most important.The idea is that couples won’t always have to be in the same mood or aligned about sex. And that’s OK.

But zeroing in on increasing and sustaining desire, and working through differences, was proven to be more important than matching your partner’s desires. Study participants had higher sexual and relationship satisfaction as a result.

Let’s take a look at some of the pros and cons of dating someone who is your opposite.

ProsYou may learn to compromiseYou can learn how to be more patient and empatheticThere may be greater opportunity to learn new thingsThe excitement may be more intenseConsMight not be sustainable long term if excitement wears offMore potential for disagreementsRequires better and more frequent communicationYou may find you both have widely differing lifestyles and goals

ProsYou may learn to compromiseYou can learn how to be more patient and empatheticThere may be greater opportunity to learn new thingsThe excitement may be more intense

You may learn to compromise

You can learn how to be more patient and empathetic

There may be greater opportunity to learn new things

The excitement may be more intense

ConsMight not be sustainable long term if excitement wears offMore potential for disagreementsRequires better and more frequent communicationYou may find you both have widely differing lifestyles and goals

Might not be sustainable long term if excitement wears off

More potential for disagreements

Requires better and more frequent communication

You may find you both have widely differing lifestyles and goals

The Pros of Dating Your Opposite

Other ways you may benefit for a while from being with your opposite include:

The Cons of Dating Your Opposite

The drawbacks of opposites uniting date back to early research. In one older study, timid, verbally inhibited participants were paired with critical, assertive partners. The study showed that although they might have been attracted at first, the relationship quality suffered as it matured over time. The pairings became unsustainable.

We also know the limitations of pairing opposites through other studies. For example, if another’sface is similar to your own, you’re more likely to deem that person trustworthy, according to an article published in the journalPsychological Science.

That suggests that if someone looks like us, we are more likely totrustthem, and if they don’t appear similar to us, we consider their character not as desirable.

Recently, psychologists analyzed the combined results of over 240 studies in one. They, too, found that similar partnerships scored the highest. Similarities fell into the areas of values,attitudes,personality traits, and interests.

Without similarities, it seems like partnerships fall apart. For example, suppose one person in the relationship is ambitious and has certain life goals and the other person is free-spirited and doesn’t have the same values. In that case, the relationship likely won’t work in the long run.

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Michael Kosinki, assistant professor of organizational behavior at the Stanford Graduate School of Business coordinates a global collaboration between more than 100 universities studying Facebook digital footprints of 8 million people. He co-authored a study published in the journalPsychological Science.

By analyzing the digital footprints people left on Facebook—their likes and what they posted about—evidence showed birds of a feather do flock together.

Most people interact with others who are similar to them online.As humans, we tend to gravitate toward those more like us.

Partners who are opposite to you in certain aspects like in their taste in music or favorite foods can enhance a relationship for sure. And in the short term, opposites can work in relationships.

Just keep in mind that if partners aren’t in alignment regardingmanyimportant aspects of a relationship, it just might not last.

What This Means For YouBefore entering a relationship, check to see if your core values, attitudes, personality traits, interests, and goals are in sync. Based on solid science, relationships are more likely to flourish if you’re engaged with someone similar.

What This Means For You

Before entering a relationship, check to see if your core values, attitudes, personality traits, interests, and goals are in sync. Based on solid science, relationships are more likely to flourish if you’re engaged with someone similar.

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6 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kim JJ, Muise A, Barranti M, et al.Are couples more satisfied when they match in sexual desire? New insights from response surface analyses.Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2021;12(4):487-496. doi:10.1177/1948550620926770Swann Jr WB, Rentfrow PJ, Gosling SD.The precarious couple effect: Verbally inhibited men + critical, disinhibited women = bad chemistry.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.2003;85(6):1095–1106. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.85.6.1095Lisitsa E.The Four Horsemen: Criticism. The Gottman Institute.Farmer H, McKay R, Tsakiris M.Trust in me: trustworthy others are seen as more physically similar to the self.Psychol Sci. 2014;25(1):290-292. doi:10.1177/0956797613494852Montoya RM, Horton RS.A meta-analytic investigation of the processes underlying the similarity-attraction effect.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2013;30(1):64-94. doi:10.1177/0265407512452989Youyou W, Stillwell D, Schwartz HA, Kosinski M.Birds of a feather do flock together: Behavior-based personality-assessment method reveals personality similarity among couples and friends.Psychological Science. 2017;28(3):276-284. doi:10.1177/0956797616678187

6 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kim JJ, Muise A, Barranti M, et al.Are couples more satisfied when they match in sexual desire? New insights from response surface analyses.Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2021;12(4):487-496. doi:10.1177/1948550620926770Swann Jr WB, Rentfrow PJ, Gosling SD.The precarious couple effect: Verbally inhibited men + critical, disinhibited women = bad chemistry.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.2003;85(6):1095–1106. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.85.6.1095Lisitsa E.The Four Horsemen: Criticism. The Gottman Institute.Farmer H, McKay R, Tsakiris M.Trust in me: trustworthy others are seen as more physically similar to the self.Psychol Sci. 2014;25(1):290-292. doi:10.1177/0956797613494852Montoya RM, Horton RS.A meta-analytic investigation of the processes underlying the similarity-attraction effect.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2013;30(1):64-94. doi:10.1177/0265407512452989Youyou W, Stillwell D, Schwartz HA, Kosinski M.Birds of a feather do flock together: Behavior-based personality-assessment method reveals personality similarity among couples and friends.Psychological Science. 2017;28(3):276-284. doi:10.1177/0956797616678187

Kim JJ, Muise A, Barranti M, et al.Are couples more satisfied when they match in sexual desire? New insights from response surface analyses.Social Psychological and Personality Science. 2021;12(4):487-496. doi:10.1177/1948550620926770Swann Jr WB, Rentfrow PJ, Gosling SD.The precarious couple effect: Verbally inhibited men + critical, disinhibited women = bad chemistry.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.2003;85(6):1095–1106. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.85.6.1095Lisitsa E.The Four Horsemen: Criticism. The Gottman Institute.Farmer H, McKay R, Tsakiris M.Trust in me: trustworthy others are seen as more physically similar to the self.Psychol Sci. 2014;25(1):290-292. doi:10.1177/0956797613494852Montoya RM, Horton RS.A meta-analytic investigation of the processes underlying the similarity-attraction effect.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2013;30(1):64-94. doi:10.1177/0265407512452989Youyou W, Stillwell D, Schwartz HA, Kosinski M.Birds of a feather do flock together: Behavior-based personality-assessment method reveals personality similarity among couples and friends.Psychological Science. 2017;28(3):276-284. doi:10.1177/0956797616678187

Swann Jr WB, Rentfrow PJ, Gosling SD.The precarious couple effect: Verbally inhibited men + critical, disinhibited women = bad chemistry.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.2003;85(6):1095–1106. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.85.6.1095

Lisitsa E.The Four Horsemen: Criticism. The Gottman Institute.

Farmer H, McKay R, Tsakiris M.Trust in me: trustworthy others are seen as more physically similar to the self.Psychol Sci. 2014;25(1):290-292. doi:10.1177/0956797613494852

Montoya RM, Horton RS.A meta-analytic investigation of the processes underlying the similarity-attraction effect.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2013;30(1):64-94. doi:10.1177/0265407512452989

Youyou W, Stillwell D, Schwartz HA, Kosinski M.Birds of a feather do flock together: Behavior-based personality-assessment method reveals personality similarity among couples and friends.Psychological Science. 2017;28(3):276-284. doi:10.1177/0956797616678187

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At a Glance#

Excitement#

Sexual Chemistry#

Lack of Early Conflict#

The Pros of Dating Your Opposite#

The Cons of Dating Your Opposite#

What This Means For You#