Why Do I Always Attract Toxic Partners?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsDefinitionWhy You’re Drawn to Certain PartnersTraits Your Past Partners ShareStrategiesImportance of Self-Awareness

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Definition

Why You’re Drawn to Certain Partners

Traits Your Past Partners Share

Strategies

Importance of Self-Awareness

Does it ever feel like you just make the same dating mistake over and over again? You tell yourself that you’ll stop ignoring the red flags, stop accepting less than what you deserve, stop staying in relationships (or even situationships) that no longer serve you. And yet, it feels like you only repeat the cycle every time you date someone new. Is your love cursed? Are you doomed to be intoxic relationships?

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: sometimes you’re drawn to harmful relationships. You mistake the psychological traps for safety, look at the red flags and just see the color green. But you can stop this toxic behavior and consciously choose healthy partnerships. This guide, below, shows you how.

Definition of a Toxic Partner

Before we figure out how tobreak free from a toxic relationship, let’s talk about what a toxic relationship actually is. Nowadays, everyone’s calling their ex toxic or anarcissist, but not every difficult partner fits that label. Relationships will have their ups and downs and tough problems to work through.

Real toxicity shows up as consistent patterns that diminish, disrespect, and de-center you.

Subtle and Obvious Signs

The confusing part is that there are still good moments. That’s why you stay. You remember the times when everything felt perfect, and you can feel how much they care for you.

But accepting a relationship that causes you this much distress disconnects you from your intuition.

This lack of self-attunement makes it hard to remember your worth, preventing you from leaving an unhealthy situation.

Signs You Might Be In an Unhealthy Relationship, And What to Do

Recurring Patterns and Factors Influencing Partner Choice

I can see now this was rooted in a Freudian concept calledrepetition compulsion—the subconscious pull to repeat patterns from our past in an attempt to heal and “master” the trauma, even when it causes more harm. When we aren’t able to make the unconscious conscious, we end up perpetuating that cycle over and over again. I was chasing versions of my emotionally unavailable father, who was never able to meet my mother’s needs.

I thought my past partners were more empathetic and vulnerable than they actually were. In response totheir self-absorption, I found myself making myself smaller and smaller until I had no needs at all–just like my mother who spent years doing the same thing with my father. That past trauma created a hyper-independent personality and kept me trapped in a cycle of disappointment.

Attachment Styles Matter, Too

Attachment stylesplayed a huge role in this. With ananxious attachment style, I was attracted toavoidant partnerswho maintained just enough distance to keep me hooked. It was a recipe for instability. But it felt familiar because it was all I ever knew.

After all, we like what we know.

Psychology calls it themere exposure effector the familiarity bias, a heuristic in which familiarity breeds attraction and we prefer familiar options over unfamiliar ones.

Identification of Common Traits Among Past Partners

Start looking for patterns in your dating history. This exercise will help you discover any recurring themes and behaviors. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

Now, journal about the specific folks you’ve been attracted to:

Recognizing those patterns can help you avoid being attracted to toxic partners in the future.

Strategies for Recognizing and Changing Harmful Patterns

Another approach is todate outside of your usual type. It may be helpful to expand past superficial dating filters (height, age, background, immediate attraction) so you can prioritizegreen flags, like kindness, understanding, honesty, and steadiness. When you look out for healthy, mature, and self-aware signals before making things more serious, you’ll end up in healthier relationships. Embrace your non-negotiables and let go of any connections that can’t fundamentally offer those traits from the beginning.

Finally, share openly with trusted loved ones. Seeking their perspective as you date can tell you what they’re noticing, so you stay grounded. As you date, practice boundary-setting and getting into the habit of journaling to track patterns and view your partners accurately.

I finally faced my own story when I ended up in the most toxic relationship of my life. It was the biggest wake-up call. I realized I couldn’t keep attempting to write a new happily ever after with the same dysfunctional characters. I was done trying to get my needs met from men who weren’t capable of giving it to me in the first place.

It Starts With YouIt feels liberating totake accountability for your choices. You feel free to break the cycle when you realize you’re not a passive participant in your relationships–you’re also the common denominator. By recognizing your role in the patterns, you take back control. This level of awareness allows you to start making decisions that serve your well-being.

It Starts With You

It feels liberating totake accountability for your choices. You feel free to break the cycle when you realize you’re not a passive participant in your relationships–you’re also the common denominator. By recognizing your role in the patterns, you take back control. This level of awareness allows you to start making decisions that serve your well-being.

Remember, self-awareness is valuable, but so is self-compassion. You might experience the urge to blame yourself for getting into painful relationships.Forgive yourselffor missing the signs and sticking around longer than you should have. You can’t change what’s already happened, but you can gratefully acknowledge the changes you’re making now. Moving forward, you can feel confident knowing you’ll welcome healthier relationships.

Finding the right support can be key. A therapist specializing in self-esteem, relationship dynamics, or attachment styles can be an ally to find clarity, process your relationship experiences, and guide you through each step of your journey.

Takeaways

No one ends up in a toxic relationship because we actively choose it. We’re all trying our best, and sometimes we have baggage and blind spots that get in our way.

Every relationship, no longer how painful, can teach us something essential about who we are. These toxic experiences do not define the love we deserve. Toxic exes are never a reflection of your worth—they’re simply mirrors showing the parts of yourself searching for healing. As you align with a new dating mindset, you’ll attract relationships that are growth-oriented, reciprocal, and respectful.

Letting Go of a Relationship That Is Stressing You Out

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Forth A, Sezlik S, Lee S, Ritchie M, Logan J, Ellingwood H.Toxic relationships: the experiences and effects of psychopathy in romantic relationships.International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology. 2021;66(15):1627.Moore MS, Uchino DB, Baucom DB, Behrends A, Sanbonmatsu DD.Attitude similarity and familiarity and their links to mental health: an examination of potential interpersonal mediators.The Journal of social psychology. 2016;157(1):77.

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Forth A, Sezlik S, Lee S, Ritchie M, Logan J, Ellingwood H.Toxic relationships: the experiences and effects of psychopathy in romantic relationships.International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology. 2021;66(15):1627.Moore MS, Uchino DB, Baucom DB, Behrends A, Sanbonmatsu DD.Attitude similarity and familiarity and their links to mental health: an examination of potential interpersonal mediators.The Journal of social psychology. 2016;157(1):77.

Forth A, Sezlik S, Lee S, Ritchie M, Logan J, Ellingwood H.Toxic relationships: the experiences and effects of psychopathy in romantic relationships.International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology. 2021;66(15):1627.Moore MS, Uchino DB, Baucom DB, Behrends A, Sanbonmatsu DD.Attitude similarity and familiarity and their links to mental health: an examination of potential interpersonal mediators.The Journal of social psychology. 2016;157(1):77.

Moore MS, Uchino DB, Baucom DB, Behrends A, Sanbonmatsu DD.Attitude similarity and familiarity and their links to mental health: an examination of potential interpersonal mediators.The Journal of social psychology. 2016;157(1):77.

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?

Definition of a Toxic Partner#

Subtle and Obvious Signs#

Recurring Patterns and Factors Influencing Partner Choice#

Attachment Styles Matter, Too#

Identification of Common Traits Among Past Partners#

Strategies for Recognizing and Changing Harmful Patterns#

It Starts With You#

Takeaways#