Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhy It Can Be HardMental Health EffectsTips for Making FriendsHow to Get Help
Table of ContentsView All
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Table of Contents
Why It Can Be Hard
Mental Health Effects
Tips for Making Friends
How to Get Help
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You’re not alone if you struggle with loneliness or wonder, “Why can’t I make friends?” It might seem difficult or impossible to make new connections as an adult, but if you’re willing to put in the effort, you can undoubtedly build new relationships.
This article covers possible reasons you’ve been unsuccessful in making friends and how not having friends negatively impacts your mental health. It also provides tips on how you can make new friends.
Press Play for Advice On Making FriendsThis episode ofThe Verywell Mind Podcast, featuring best-selling author Eric Barker, shares why friendship contributes to your overall well-being and how to build strong friendships. Click below to listen now.
Press Play for Advice On Making Friends
This episode ofThe Verywell Mind Podcast, featuring best-selling author Eric Barker, shares why friendship contributes to your overall well-being and how to build strong friendships. Click below to listen now.
Why Can’t I Make Friends? Possible Explanations
“It is very common to experience alack of friendships. Many people feel like they do not have friends or that others do not understand them,” saysJessica Ermilio, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Humantold.
According to Ermilio, there are many reasons why someone might struggle to make friends. These reasons are outlined below.
Anxiety
For some people, these worries can interfere with their ability to connect with the other person because it is tremendously challenging to focus on andengage in a conversationwhenfeeling nervousor uncertain about ourselves. These uncomfortable feelings may also encourage us to avoid making friends.
The next time you try to make a friend, scan your thoughts and feelings to see if you feelnervous, fearful, or uncertain. Then ask yourself if these thoughts or feelings are aiding or impeding your ability to make a friend. Doing this may help you to better understand why it may be hard for you to make friends.
Avoidance
Are there opportunities you may be turning down or shying away from because you want to avoid the difficulties that come with making friends? Oftentimes ouravoidanceof hard things can go unnoticed or unquestioned.
So, when you turn down social opportunities, ask yourself why. Be mindful of that decision and where it is coming from. It is difficult to make new friends when you are not putting yourself out there to do so.
‘I Don’t Need Friends’: Why You Might Feel This Way
High Expectations
People may put a lot of pressure on themselves to be popular and have several friends. It is not imperative to have a legion of friends; sometimes, all it takes is one or two friends to reap all the psychological benefits that come with deep friendships.
Focus on making one or two meaningful connections and relieve yourself of any pressure you may be feeling to create an endless list of friends.
Other Factors
Some research suggests that increased social media use might also play a role. Studies have found that people who spend more time on social media also tend to experience more loneliness and depression.
Other factors that might make it more challenging for you to make friends include having social anxiety disorder, being an introvert who prefers solitude, or not knowing where to look for new friends.
Symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder
Mental Health Impact of Not Having Friends
Friendshipsand attachments are important. Because they are so important to our overall well-being, a lack of friends or poor, superficial friendships can harm your mental health.
—JESSICA ERMILIO, PSYD, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST
Ermilio lists some of the psychological obstacles we may face when our attachment needs go unmet:
How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life
Tips to Help You to Make Friends
If you feel like you can’t make friends, there are strategies that can help improve your chances of forging new social connections. Ermilio suggests some steps you can take tomake friendsand experience a sense of belongingness.
Seek Comfortable Environments
It is important to try and find ways to help yourself feel comfortable and at ease while making a new friend. This requires thinking critically about yourself and the type of environment that makes you feel the most comfortable.
Consider Your NeedsAre you someone who feels more comfortable with one-on-one interactions, or do you feel better with many people around? The answers to these questions could help put you in a better position to find the right environment to foster new friendships.
Consider Your Needs
Are you someone who feels more comfortable with one-on-one interactions, or do you feel better with many people around? The answers to these questions could help put you in a better position to find the right environment to foster new friendships.
Similarly, consider what activities or settings help you feel confident about yourself. For example, is there asport, craft, or activityyou enjoy doing that brings you a sense ofconfidence? Do you have a place you like visiting or are very familiar with?
If you feel nervous while making friends, cushioning the experience with elements of comfort and familiarity can help ease your nerves.
Give It Time
The study found that it took 90 hours for people to be considered friends and more than 200 hours for that person to be considered a close friend.
Liking someone, enjoying their company, and wanting to be friends with them isn’t enough. To forge that connection, you must put in the time to form and maintain that friendship.
The researchers also found that the best friendship-building hours are those spent doing enjoyable activities, whether it’s just hanging out or playing games. While “work friends” can be an important part of your social circle, time spent together in work environments was less conducive to building friendships.
In other words, if you want to form more meaningful friendships with colleagues, spend time together outside of work in shared social activities.
Are You a Likable Person?
This fast, free quiz can help give you insight into whether or not you possess traits that could make you more or less likable.
If you struggle to find that sense of belongingness within friendships, consider reaching out to a therapist who can help you understand your unique difficulties and work with you to overcome them. For instance, there may be aspects of your past that could be influencing your ability to be open and vulnerable to new people in your life.
Therapycan offer the support and guidance you need to help ease your difficulties.
Jessica Ermilio, PsyD, clinical psychologistIf you’re not able to achieve a sense of belongingness within your current relationships, give yourself permission to look elsewhere for it.
Jessica Ermilio, PsyD, clinical psychologist
If you’re not able to achieve a sense of belongingness within your current relationships, give yourself permission to look elsewhere for it.
Looking for new social connections can help, but finding a sense of connection and belonging can also come from other sources. “For example, books, movies, music, online forums, and art can also be ways of finding recognition and acceptance for who you are and what you may be going through,” says Ermilio.
Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.
Get Help Now
We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.
A Word From Verywell
Not being able to make friends can make you feel lonely andisolated, and take a toll on your mental health. It’s important to know that you’re not alone—many people feel like they don’t have friends.
Making friends requires you to put yourself out there and reach out to people. While this can be scary, it helps to choose environments that you’re comfortable in. Forming close connections with even one or two people can help you develop a sense of belongingness.
If you’re unable to make friends, or find a sense of belonging in your relationships, consider seeing a therapist, who will work with you on the issues you’re facing.
How and Why You Should Maintain Friendships
3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.YouGov.Millennials are the loneliest generation.Hunt MG, Marx R, Lipson C, Young J.No more FOMO: limiting social media decreases loneliness and depression.Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. 2018;37(10):751-768. doi:10.1521/jscp.2018.37.10.751Hall JA.How many hours does it take to make a friend?Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2019;36(4):1278-1296. doi:10.1177/0265407518761225
3 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.YouGov.Millennials are the loneliest generation.Hunt MG, Marx R, Lipson C, Young J.No more FOMO: limiting social media decreases loneliness and depression.Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. 2018;37(10):751-768. doi:10.1521/jscp.2018.37.10.751Hall JA.How many hours does it take to make a friend?Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2019;36(4):1278-1296. doi:10.1177/0265407518761225
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
YouGov.Millennials are the loneliest generation.Hunt MG, Marx R, Lipson C, Young J.No more FOMO: limiting social media decreases loneliness and depression.Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. 2018;37(10):751-768. doi:10.1521/jscp.2018.37.10.751Hall JA.How many hours does it take to make a friend?Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2019;36(4):1278-1296. doi:10.1177/0265407518761225
YouGov.Millennials are the loneliest generation.
Hunt MG, Marx R, Lipson C, Young J.No more FOMO: limiting social media decreases loneliness and depression.Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology. 2018;37(10):751-768. doi:10.1521/jscp.2018.37.10.751
Hall JA.How many hours does it take to make a friend?Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2019;36(4):1278-1296. doi:10.1177/0265407518761225
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