What You're Getting Wrong About Your "Type", According to a Matchmaker

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat It Means to Have a TypeHow Our Type is FormedHow We Get Stuck in RutsHow Can We Identify Our “True” Type

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What It Means to Have a Type

How Our Type is Formed

How We Get Stuck in Ruts

How Can We Identify Our “True” Type

“What’s your type?”

I ask all of my matchmaking clients this question. Some people love the classic tall, dark, and handsome archetype, while others can’t resist the irreverent energy of the Burner who is all about the Playa. Whatever we like, the answer isn’t always as straightforward as it seems.

When I set people up, I’ve noticed that some of the most meaningful connections happen when we let go of predefinedexpectations. Opening ourselves up to something different dissolves those tightly held limits, allowing us to reconnect with the human, curious side of dating–where genuine, surprising connections can unfold and take us in an entirely new direction.

So, let’s explore what it really means to have a type, if our type is getting us stuck in a dating rut, and how to make room for more authentic, fulfilling love.

Over time, our type forms into a mold in which we judge potential partners and gaugecompatibility. We assess others through binary lists: positive, negative, pro, con, right, wrong, yes, no. We methodically check off the boxes to see if they match the physical and emotional expectations of who we think we should end up with.

It makes sense. In a world filled with billions of people and infinite possibilities, we have to narrow the field. Knowing our type connects us to how we view ourselves and provides direction, helping us focus on a smaller group of individuals we believe can bring us happiness. The trick is doing that while keeping our imagination open to the creative expression of love, which is beyond what we can individually dream for ourselves.

Typically, we shape our type based on what we value growing up. Think about the crush on your best friend’s sister who gave you attention, sparking an attraction to the sweet, nurturing type. Or maybe you’re drawn to the alpha, successful entrepreneur because it was the opposite of what you saw at home. These early impressions form the foundation of our North Star–an inner compass that guides us to find our person.

Attachment stylesare part of the foundation of who we gravitate to. If we’re ananxiously attachedperson looking to prove ourselves, we might fall for anavoidant attachment stylewho is stingy with their reassurance. Byhealing our attachment style, we can get away from the samerelationship patternsand lose interest in conditioned, negative beliefs about love.

People tend to be intensely attracted to characteristics they’re familiar with or believe will complete them.

As a matchmaker who has worked with thousands of singles, I’ve observed an interesting pattern come up. People tend to be intensely attracted to characteristics they’re familiar with or believe will complete them. Examples look like seeking a partner with an ultra-successful pedigree because they want to be part of apower couple, or wanting an emotionally vulnerable partner because they feel they lack that quality ourselves.

When we are too rigid with our type (“They have to be 6” tall, they must work in X industry!”), the preferences limit us. We may miss out on deeper, stimulating connections that enable us to find wholeness. The partners fulfill a familiar script we’ve been playing out since childhood, and potentially a crutch into parts of us we need to develop.

Are Your Dating Standards Too High?

When clients come to me, they’re deadset on who their type is. But if the same checklist keeps leading to the same results, why would another “perfect on paper” match yield a different outcome?

Dating appshave become a dehumanizing game where we only accept dates with similar profiles. Eventually, we run out of matches and experience burnout believing no one is out there. A 2020 study shows dating app users reported higher levels ofpsychological distress, anxiety, and depression the more time they spent on the apps.

By limiting ourselves to a small sample of the population that fits our ideal, we’re missing out on other growth-oriented connections who could challenge us, tease out new sides to our personality, and access newer levels of intimacy.

Don’t get me wrong—our “type” matters, but it’s rare that our person will be exactly as we imagined. In fact, it’s more common thatdoesn’thappen. I’ve worked with countless clients who got into relationships with people who didn’t perfectly match their checklist, but still got the things that mattered; like happiness, laughter, shared vision, emotional connection, and deep understanding. By looking past superficial qualities, they found something much more thanfantasy fulfillment. They found love.

A Relationship Coach Unpacks 5 of the Biggest Dating Misconceptions

Finding our true type can be a fun experiment. We can explore connections without pressure and allow new connections to flow into our lives, prioritizing what feels right versus what sounds good.

Understanding what we could authentically be interested in begins with being mindful of the things that we are attracted to. Here are some tips:

By trying out new things and following what feelsgood, we can update our idea of the type that we truly resonate with. This revision helps us step outside of preconceived notions, perhaps revealing that our type may be more than the early impressions we once imagined. Instead, our type can be the person who makes us happy and aligns us with our full selves.

Takeaways

When I think about love, I often muse over this quote from Rumi: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” It’s a reminder that sometimes the easiest pathway to love comes when we break down all of the limits we’ve unknowingly placed around it.

2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rollero C.Mass media beauty standards, body surveillance, and relationship satisfaction within romantic couples.International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. 2022;19(7):3833.Holtzhausen N, Fitzgerald K, Thakur I, Ashley J, Rolfe M, Pit SW.Swipe-based dating applications use and its association with mental health outcomes: a cross-sectional study.BMC Psychology. 2020;8:22.

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rollero C.Mass media beauty standards, body surveillance, and relationship satisfaction within romantic couples.International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. 2022;19(7):3833.Holtzhausen N, Fitzgerald K, Thakur I, Ashley J, Rolfe M, Pit SW.Swipe-based dating applications use and its association with mental health outcomes: a cross-sectional study.BMC Psychology. 2020;8:22.

Rollero C.Mass media beauty standards, body surveillance, and relationship satisfaction within romantic couples.International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. 2022;19(7):3833.Holtzhausen N, Fitzgerald K, Thakur I, Ashley J, Rolfe M, Pit SW.Swipe-based dating applications use and its association with mental health outcomes: a cross-sectional study.BMC Psychology. 2020;8:22.

Rollero C.Mass media beauty standards, body surveillance, and relationship satisfaction within romantic couples.International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. 2022;19(7):3833.

Holtzhausen N, Fitzgerald K, Thakur I, Ashley J, Rolfe M, Pit SW.Swipe-based dating applications use and its association with mental health outcomes: a cross-sectional study.BMC Psychology. 2020;8:22.

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