What to Know About Open Relationships and How They Work

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsPrevalenceBenefits of Open RelationshipsPotential PitfallsIs It Right for You?Exploring Open RelationshipsStrategies

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Prevalence

Benefits of Open Relationships

Potential Pitfalls

Is It Right for You?

Exploring Open Relationships

Strategies

Open relationships fall under the larger category ofconsensually non-monogamousrelationships. They arerelationshipsin which one or both partners can pursue sex, and sometimes emotional attachments, with other people.

Open relationships differ from swinging, in which partners have sex with other people at parties and where the relationships are purely sexual. They also differ frompolyamory, where partners can pursue more than one committed relationship at a time. Open relationships are often considered a sort of the middle ground between swinging and polyamory.

While swingers tend to keep their outside relationships to the realm of sex with other established couples, and polyamory is all about having multiple committed, romantic partners, people in open relationships can usually have sex with others they feel attracted to—with the caveat that these other relationships remain casual.

In other words, you can have sex with whomever you want, but you are not pursuing intimate, committed relationships with other partners.

Navigating a Polycule: Exploring Non-Monogamous Networks

Types

Married couples, committed couples, and casual couples alike can be in open relationships that involve consent to:

6 Types of Relationships and Their Effect on Your Life

Who Chooses an Open Relationship?

One study published inThe Journal of Sex & Marital Therapydiscovered that about one in five adults had been in some form of an open relationship in their lifetime.

A 2019 study reported that among Canadian adults, 2.4% of respondents reported being in an open relationship.Another study of a U.S. sample found that 4% of respondents indicated they were involved in an open relationship.

Another survey found that 31% of women and 38% of men would prefer a non-monogamous relationship. In general, younger respondents were more likely to prefer non-monogamy than the older crowd.

If we’ve seen numbers of non-monogamous relationships grow over time, it may be for a few possible reasons, including that people feel more comfortable being open about the topic, or more people are willing to try it. Open relationships being less stigmatized in the media can contribute to both.

There are several reasons why people may want to be in an open relationship. When done with respect and the consent of all involved, open relationships have plenty of benefits. The first obvious one that many people think of is sexual satisfaction.

Humans enjoy novelty when it comes to sexuality, and we all crave it at one point or another. A new partner is a great way to satisfy that craving for new sexual experiences.

People who engage in successful open relationships also share strong communication skills, a deepened sense of trust, and thoroughly negotiated roles and expectations.

It’s much easier to fulfill a partner’s needs if they tell you what they want, rather than making you guess. Open relationships allow partners to put all their cards on the table.

Open relationships also allow non-monogamous people to express their needs and identity without fear. They don’t need to hide their crushes or extra-marital relationships, at least to their partner, and this leads to a lot less emotional distress.

Pros of Open RelationshipsHeightened communication about wants and needsPursuing new experiences and interestsExciting and different sexual experiencesFreedom to express different sides of yourselfNo pressure for one person to fulfill all of their partner’s emotional and sexual needs and interestsCons of Open RelationshipsRisk of jealousy and issues with self-esteemRisk of emotional pain as your partner experiences pleasure and happiness with someone elseRisk of sexually transmitted infectionRisk of unplanned pregnancyRisk of sexual addiction or loss of libido from trying to please multiple partners

Heightened communication about wants and needs

Pursuing new experiences and interests

Exciting and different sexual experiences

Freedom to express different sides of yourself

No pressure for one person to fulfill all of their partner’s emotional and sexual needs and interests

Cons of Open RelationshipsRisk of jealousy and issues with self-esteemRisk of emotional pain as your partner experiences pleasure and happiness with someone elseRisk of sexually transmitted infectionRisk of unplanned pregnancyRisk of sexual addiction or loss of libido from trying to please multiple partners

Risk of jealousy and issues with self-esteem

Risk of emotional pain as your partner experiences pleasure and happiness with someone else

Risk of sexually transmitted infection

Risk of unplanned pregnancy

Risk of sexual addiction or loss of libido from trying to please multiple partners

Aside from those already mentioned, open relationships have potential problems all their own.Jealousyis the first. For people raised in an environment where monogamy is expected, jealousy can arise quickly as they learn to challenge that expectation while exploring non-monogamy. Remember, though, that jealousy is rooted in feelings of not being enough, which is itself based on the idea that your romantic partner should be everything to you and you to them.

Once you let go of the idea that you alone must fulfill every single one of your partner’s needs, it’s easier to manage feelings of jealousy whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship.

Negative feelings toward your partner’s other partners can also stem from increased vulnerability. As you learn to negotiate your relationship more explicitly, you will need to explore and express feelings you may not have examined before. This can make people feel anxious, angry, or make them retreat emotionally.

If you are having these kinds of problems but still want to explore an open relationship with your partner,couples therapywith someone who understands non-monogamy can help you overcome these feelings.

Having multiple sexual partners also increases the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), so it’s important for all involved to engage in safer sex activities with proper protection and get tested regularly.

Is an Open Relationship Right for You?

Some people know from their teenage years that they are not interested in monogamy, despite the prevalent expectation that everyone will, one day, be in a monogamous relationship leading to marriage. Others dip into open relationships because of circumstances, like having a crush on someone new or because a partner presents the possibility.

A common scenario: a couple that has been together for a few years feels a lack of passion. One or both partners get a crush on someone else, or one beginsan affair. To resolve the issue, they decide to open up their relationship.

Sometimes, however, the approach does allow both people to go toward an open relationship with a positive outlook based on trust, love, and commitment.

Questions to ConsiderIf you answer “yes” to the following questions, there’s a good chance that an open relationship may be right for you:Are you and your partner both genuinely interested in non-monogamy?Do you and your partner have different sexual needs and/or orientations?Are you considering an open relationship out of a place of trust (and not, for example, because of broken trust or infidelity)?Are you able to communicate openly with your partner?Do you have a relationship built on a solid foundation of honesty and trust?Are you able to handle jealousy in a healthy manner?

Questions to Consider

If you answer “yes” to the following questions, there’s a good chance that an open relationship may be right for you:Are you and your partner both genuinely interested in non-monogamy?Do you and your partner have different sexual needs and/or orientations?Are you considering an open relationship out of a place of trust (and not, for example, because of broken trust or infidelity)?Are you able to communicate openly with your partner?Do you have a relationship built on a solid foundation of honesty and trust?Are you able to handle jealousy in a healthy manner?

If you answer “yes” to the following questions, there’s a good chance that an open relationship may be right for you:

Talking About an Open Relationship

How you approach the topic of open relationships with your partner(s) depends on the stage of your relationship.

Since monogamy is part of many people’s social expectations about romantic relationships, many people just assume this to be a term of their relationship without ever talking it over with their partner.

Ask yourself what has changed. Maybe you were always interested in non-monogamy but attempted to stay monogamous due to social pressure or family expectations. Your open relationship discussion does not need to come about as a result of a new crush—indeed, it is better if it comes while you have no other attachment. It can simply be part of personal or therapeutic work.

If, however, you approach your partner about an open relationship because you want to pursue a crush, or after having been unfaithful, be prepared to face difficult times in your primary relationship. Your partner will likely feel betrayed and hurt, and you will need to deal with that before you actually open up your relationship. You want to open up your relationship with a positive outlook rather than out of spite or boredom.

RecapOpening up your relationship to fix it when it appears to be failing is likely a bad idea. It will likely worsen things in the long term, even if it seems to work initially.

Recap

Opening up your relationship to fix it when it appears to be failing is likely a bad idea. It will likely worsen things in the long term, even if it seems to work initially.

Strategies for an Open Relationship

While there are no set rules when it comes to having an open relationship. Well-communicated boundaries, however, are key.

Working together to establish expectations and boundaries with your partner is beneficial. Here are a few to consider.

Sexual Boundaries

Is sex with other partners OK and, if so, with what acts are you (or aren’t you) comfortable? Be as specific as possible, including safe-sex practices like condoms, dental dams, and getting screened for STIs.

Emotional Boundaries

Talk about what would make you jealous and how to approach each other if jealousy does occur. When discussing emotional boundaries, you can also discuss whether it’s possible to not fall for someone after having sex and what happens if that occurs.

Personal Boundaries

What’s fair game? Are friends, co-workers, or ex-partners off the table? How do you feel about strangers? You might also want to discuss topics like sexual orientation andgender identity, both for yourselves and potential other partners.

Splitting Time

You and your partner should set guidelines on how much time is OK to spend with other partners and when it’s OK to cut into your time together to actively explore other relationships.

How Setting Boundaries Can Help Your Relationship

Keep in Mind

Only you can decide whether an open relationship is right for you. Opening a relationship involves taking a closer look at your beliefs and feelings about monogamy, examining what you really expect from love and partnership, and being vulnerable with your feelings. It takes a lot of maturity and compassion.

But being in an open relationship isn’t for everyone—and it doesn’t show a lack of maturity or compassion to decide that you value and prefer monogamy. In the end, being honest with yourself and your partner(s) is what is most important for happiness in your relationships.

3 Key Factors in Healthy Relationships

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Haupert ML, Gesselman AN, Moors AC, Fisher HE, Garcia JR.Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships: Findings from two national samples of single Americans.J Sex Marital Ther. 2017;43(5):424-440. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675Fairbrother N, Hart TA, Fairbrother M.Open relationship prevalence, characteristics, and correlates in a nationally representative sample of Canadian adults.J Sex Res. 2019;56(6):695-704. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1580667Levine EC, Herbenick D, Martinez O, Fu TC, Dodge B.Open relationships, nonconsensual nonmonogamy, and monogamy among U.S. adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior.Arch Sex Behav. 2018;47(5):1439-1450. doi:10.1007/s10508-018-1178-7YouGov.Young Americans are less wedded to monogamy than their elders. October 2016.Hangen F, Crasta D, Rogge RD.Delineating the boundaries between nonmonogamy and infidelity: Bringing consent back into definitions of consensual nonmonogamy with latent profile analysis.J Sex Res. 2020;57(4):438-457. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1669133

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Haupert ML, Gesselman AN, Moors AC, Fisher HE, Garcia JR.Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships: Findings from two national samples of single Americans.J Sex Marital Ther. 2017;43(5):424-440. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675Fairbrother N, Hart TA, Fairbrother M.Open relationship prevalence, characteristics, and correlates in a nationally representative sample of Canadian adults.J Sex Res. 2019;56(6):695-704. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1580667Levine EC, Herbenick D, Martinez O, Fu TC, Dodge B.Open relationships, nonconsensual nonmonogamy, and monogamy among U.S. adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior.Arch Sex Behav. 2018;47(5):1439-1450. doi:10.1007/s10508-018-1178-7YouGov.Young Americans are less wedded to monogamy than their elders. October 2016.Hangen F, Crasta D, Rogge RD.Delineating the boundaries between nonmonogamy and infidelity: Bringing consent back into definitions of consensual nonmonogamy with latent profile analysis.J Sex Res. 2020;57(4):438-457. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1669133

Haupert ML, Gesselman AN, Moors AC, Fisher HE, Garcia JR.Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships: Findings from two national samples of single Americans.J Sex Marital Ther. 2017;43(5):424-440. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675Fairbrother N, Hart TA, Fairbrother M.Open relationship prevalence, characteristics, and correlates in a nationally representative sample of Canadian adults.J Sex Res. 2019;56(6):695-704. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1580667Levine EC, Herbenick D, Martinez O, Fu TC, Dodge B.Open relationships, nonconsensual nonmonogamy, and monogamy among U.S. adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior.Arch Sex Behav. 2018;47(5):1439-1450. doi:10.1007/s10508-018-1178-7YouGov.Young Americans are less wedded to monogamy than their elders. October 2016.Hangen F, Crasta D, Rogge RD.Delineating the boundaries between nonmonogamy and infidelity: Bringing consent back into definitions of consensual nonmonogamy with latent profile analysis.J Sex Res. 2020;57(4):438-457. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1669133

Fairbrother N, Hart TA, Fairbrother M.Open relationship prevalence, characteristics, and correlates in a nationally representative sample of Canadian adults.J Sex Res. 2019;56(6):695-704. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1580667

Levine EC, Herbenick D, Martinez O, Fu TC, Dodge B.Open relationships, nonconsensual nonmonogamy, and monogamy among U.S. adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior.Arch Sex Behav. 2018;47(5):1439-1450. doi:10.1007/s10508-018-1178-7

YouGov.Young Americans are less wedded to monogamy than their elders. October 2016.

Hangen F, Crasta D, Rogge RD.Delineating the boundaries between nonmonogamy and infidelity: Bringing consent back into definitions of consensual nonmonogamy with latent profile analysis.J Sex Res. 2020;57(4):438-457. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1669133

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Types#

Who Chooses an Open Relationship?#

Is an Open Relationship Right for You?#

Questions to Consider#

Talking About an Open Relationship#

Recap#

Strategies for an Open Relationship#

Sexual Boundaries#

Emotional Boundaries#

Personal Boundaries#

Splitting Time#

Keep in Mind#