What to Do When Your Partner Wants An Open Relationship—and You Don't

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat to Do If Your Partner Wants An Open RelationshipReasons Why Your Partner May Want an Open RelationshipWhen Not to Open Your RelationshipWhen Is an Open Relationship Not a Good Idea?FAQ

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What to Do If Your Partner Wants An Open Relationship

Reasons Why Your Partner May Want an Open Relationship

When Not to Open Your Relationship

When Is an Open Relationship Not a Good Idea?

FAQ

Close

If you’re in a monogamous relationship with your partner, you may wonder what to do if they tell you they want to be in anopen relationship. It’s natural to feel confused, hurt, angry, andinsecurein this position, particularly if non-monogamous relationships are new to you.

Your first reaction may be to say no, but you may fear losing your partner. Or, you may consider agreeing in order to save your relationship, although you may not be entirely comfortable with the concept.

Before you decide, it can be helpful to take some time to explore what open relationships entail, what your partner is seeking, and what yourboundariesare. Being honest with yourself and keeping an open mind when you communicate with your partner can help you navigate this situation and decide how to proceed.

How to Have a Happy, Healthy, and Successful Open Marriage

These are some steps you can take to discuss an open relationship with your partner and determine whether it would work for you.

Keep an Open Mind

You may find yourself feeling shocked and caught off guard if your partner suggests an open relationship, particularly if you’ve only ever been in monogamous relationships. However, while monogamous relationships are more traditional, it’s important to remember that there are many different types of relationships.

It is estimated that over 5% of people living in North America are in some form ofconsensual non-monogamous relationship.Furthermore, research suggests that people in non-monogamous relationships are as happy and satisfied as those in monogamous relationships.

In fact, a 2020 study notes that one-third of people in monogamous relationships fantasized about being in open relationships and 80% of them said they would like to act upon this fantasy in the future.

Unfortunately, non-monogamous relationships continue to be stigmatized.

However, it’s important tokeep an open mindwhile you consider your partner’s suggestion. During this process, think about what you actually want in a relationship, rather than worrying about the kind of relationship society thinks you should have.

Understand What Your Partner Wants

Once you’re feeling ready to keep an open mind, talk to your partner and try to understand what they want from this arrangement. De Llano says it can be helpful to discuss the following questions with them:

Reflect Upon What You Want

Once you have a better idea of the kind of arrangement your partner wants, it can be helpful to take some time to reflect on what you want.

De Llano suggests asking yourself the following questions:

Work Out the Rules

If you’re interested in exploring the idea an open relationship, you can decide the rules with your partner. If you’re not comfortable with an entirely open relationship, you could choose to open it up partially, with rules in place:

There are myriad ways that you can set up your open relationship, so feel free to get creative when determining what you want your relationship to look like. And, remember that you can always make changes if you feel the need to.

Decide Your Boundaries

Based on your discussion with your partner and your own reflections, you can decide whether you would be open to exploring this type of arrangement or whether it’s a no-go for you. In order to have a successful open relationship, you and your partner both need to be on board.

Open relationships depend upon an understanding and agreement between the couple regarding the parameters of the relationship beyond monogamy, says de Llano. “This means that you and your partner must both be equally certain, consenting, and in agreement of the relationship values, meaning, purpose, rules, boundaries, and co-created culture.”

If you’re not open to a non-monogamous relationship, you can draw aboundaryin your relationship with your partner. “Have the strength to say no to your partner and be firm where you stand,” says de Llano.

Claudia de Llano, LMFTAbove all, you must respect your needs, your boundaries, and your heart.

Claudia de Llano, LMFT

Above all, you must respect your needs, your boundaries, and your heart.

Consider Couples Therapy

It can be helpful for you and your partner to go tocouples therapywhile you navigate this discussion and explore whether you’re open to a non-monogamous relationship. A couples therapist can help both of you explore your motivations and fears related to an open relationship in a safe space.

Therapy can also be useful if you’ve reached a position where you don’t want an open relationship but your partner does. This can be a difficult spot because you may be hurt and angry that your partner wants to be with people outside your relationship; your partner may be dismayed that their needs may go unfulfilled. Both of you would have to decide if and how you would proceed with your relationship.

At this juncture,couples therapycan help you and your partner work on defining and strengthening your values, beliefs, and purpose around your relationship, says de Llano.

These are some of the reasons why someone may want an open relationship, according to de Llano:

There may also be other reasons your partner might want to explore an open relationship. Maybe they just think it would spice up your relationship. It’s important to ask your partner all of the reasons why they want an open relationship.

If you’re struggling to have these communications, therapy can help you and your partner explore motivations for wanting an open relationship and address any underlying issues that need to be resolved.

Does My Partner Actually Just Want to Cheat on Me?

Wanting an open relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner wants to specifically be with someone else; however, it could mean your partner is seeking to gain something they need or want outside of the relationship dynamic, says de Llano.

While an open relationship is a consensual form of non-monogamy, cheating is a non-consensual form of non-monogamy. By asking your permission, your partner is making it consensual and hopefully taking an ethical approach to non-monogamy instead of going behind your back andcheatingon you.

It’s up to you to decide whether this arrangement works for you and what is or isn’t acceptable to you. Understanding your partner’s motivations can help you make this decision.

If it seems like they are asking for an open relationship in order to be with someone else while also being with you, you can choose to draw a boundary around your relationship in order to protect yourself.

No, Women Are Not More Emotional Than Men

Does My Partner Think I’m Not Enough for Them?

Wanting an open relationship could indicate your partner has needs that are not being met within your relationship. However, they could also want an open relationship for reasons that don’t have anything to do with you.

Though it can be difficult, it’s important not to personalize your partner’s desire for an open relationship and think there’s something wrong with you. Remind yourself that no matter what, you are enough and you deserve to be loved fully for who you are.

When an Open Relationship May Be a Good Idea

An open relationship can be a good idea if:

An open relationship may not be a good idea if:

Frequently Asked Questions

Frequently Asked QuestionsYou should explore being in an open relationship if that’s something you’re interested in. However, you shouldn’t do it if you’re not comfortable with the idea of you or your partner being with someone else.If you and your partner love each other and want to work out a way to stay together despite your differences, couples therapy can help you work on your relationship/marriage and determine the way forward.Perhaps, although sometimes even just the permission to openly entertain a fantasy or desire in the relationship takes the heat off of what’s boiling underneath, says de Llano. “This can help you discover why such feelings are surfacing and allow you to connect compassionately with each other.”

You should explore being in an open relationship if that’s something you’re interested in. However, you shouldn’t do it if you’re not comfortable with the idea of you or your partner being with someone else.If you and your partner love each other and want to work out a way to stay together despite your differences, couples therapy can help you work on your relationship/marriage and determine the way forward.

You should explore being in an open relationship if that’s something you’re interested in. However, you shouldn’t do it if you’re not comfortable with the idea of you or your partner being with someone else.

If you and your partner love each other and want to work out a way to stay together despite your differences, couples therapy can help you work on your relationship/marriage and determine the way forward.

Perhaps, although sometimes even just the permission to openly entertain a fantasy or desire in the relationship takes the heat off of what’s boiling underneath, says de Llano. “This can help you discover why such feelings are surfacing and allow you to connect compassionately with each other.”

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Scoats R, Campbell C.What do we know about consensual non-monogamy?Curr Opin Psychol. 2022;48:101468. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101468Rubel AN, Bogaert AF.Consensual non-monogamy: psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates.J Sex Res. 2015;52(9):961-982. doi:10.1080/00224499.2014.942722Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual non-monogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7Rodrigues DL, Aybar Camposano GA, Lopes D.Stigmatization of consensual non-monogamous partners: perceived endorsement of conservation or openness to change values vary according to personal attitudes.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3931-3946. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02368-7

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Scoats R, Campbell C.What do we know about consensual non-monogamy?Curr Opin Psychol. 2022;48:101468. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101468Rubel AN, Bogaert AF.Consensual non-monogamy: psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates.J Sex Res. 2015;52(9):961-982. doi:10.1080/00224499.2014.942722Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual non-monogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7Rodrigues DL, Aybar Camposano GA, Lopes D.Stigmatization of consensual non-monogamous partners: perceived endorsement of conservation or openness to change values vary according to personal attitudes.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3931-3946. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02368-7

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Scoats R, Campbell C.What do we know about consensual non-monogamy?Curr Opin Psychol. 2022;48:101468. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101468Rubel AN, Bogaert AF.Consensual non-monogamy: psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates.J Sex Res. 2015;52(9):961-982. doi:10.1080/00224499.2014.942722Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual non-monogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7Rodrigues DL, Aybar Camposano GA, Lopes D.Stigmatization of consensual non-monogamous partners: perceived endorsement of conservation or openness to change values vary according to personal attitudes.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3931-3946. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02368-7

Scoats R, Campbell C.What do we know about consensual non-monogamy?Curr Opin Psychol. 2022;48:101468. doi:10.1016/j.copsyc.2022.101468

Rubel AN, Bogaert AF.Consensual non-monogamy: psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates.J Sex Res. 2015;52(9):961-982. doi:10.1080/00224499.2014.942722

Lehmiller JJ.Fantasies about consensual non-monogamy among persons in monogamous romantic relationships.Arch Sex Behav. 2020;49(8):2799-2812. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01788-7

Rodrigues DL, Aybar Camposano GA, Lopes D.Stigmatization of consensual non-monogamous partners: perceived endorsement of conservation or openness to change values vary according to personal attitudes.Arch Sex Behav. 2022;51(8):3931-3946. doi:10.1007/s10508-022-02368-7

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?