What to Do When You Want to Disappear

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsTake StockReach OutTell Yourself a Different StoryTake a Break

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Take Stock

Reach Out

Tell Yourself a Different Story

Take a Break

Close

Sometimes when life gets hard, you might think, ‘I want to disappear.’ Maybe your life feels too heavy with the injustices in the world, you feel too overwhelmed with everything you need to do, or you wish a relationship you were in looked different. If you’re feeling depressed and in adownward cycle of rumination, you may be feeling likeyou can’t do anything rightand wish you could only disappear before you mess even more up.

Disappearing can feel tempting because it may feel like a potential opportunity to hit a pause in your life. You wouldn’t have to tell anyone what was wrong, you wouldn’t have to deal with your jerk of a boss, and the dishes in the sink would no longer be taunting you.

But while there’s nothing wrong with having this feeling—plenty of people do, especially when they are going through hard times—itisa sign that something isn’t working, saysRachel Gersten, LMHC, co-founder of Viva Wellness in New York City.“And that something that isn’t working can either be a small something or a much bigger something,” she says.

But while there’s nothing wrong with having this feeling—plenty of people do, especially when they are going through hard times—itisa sign that something isn’t working, saysRachel Gersten, LMHC, co-founder of Viva Wellness in New York City.

“And that something that isn’t working can either be a small something or a much bigger something,” she says.

This article offers some tips for navigating this feeling of wanting to disappear.

Get Help NowWe’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Get Help Now

We’ve tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of thebest online therapy programsincluding Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Gersten recommends noting the next time you find yourself thinkingI want to disappear. What are you doing? Who are you with? How are you feeling? Where are you? These are all cues to pay attention to, no matter how big or small they seem.

Maybe you want to disappear every time you’re standing in line at the grocery store after a long day at work. OK, sure, grocery shopping can be tedious, but if you take a step back, you know it’s not worth disappearing over. Because it’s not really about the shopping.

Wanting to disappear is adefense mechanismshielding you from feelings you might be trying to ignore.

Do you feelsocial anxietyat a crowded grocery store? Do you resent that your partner expects you to do the grocery shopping? Maybe you sat in a ton of traffic to get there, or that particular grocery store reminds you of a breakup, and you’re afraid of running into that ex. Or maybe you feel that there’s no room for fun in your life between the monotony of work and chores.

In this example, just noting that you are feeling this way in a particular place at a specific time can bring up any number of feelings that could point to something small to change. This could mean ordering groceries instead of standing in line after a long day of work or having a bigger conversation, such asdivision of laborin your relationship.

What to Know About Mindfulness Meditation

If you are feeling like you want to disappear, feelings of shame may be leading to your desire to isolate.However, thehealth consequences of isolation,including depression, can be serious. But adialectical behavioral therapyprinciple, opposite action can be helpful here.

The idea behind opposite actionis that, often, when we are feeling a form of emotional distress, our go-to is to believe what our emotion is trying to tell us. If you’re feeling shame, this means your emotions may be telling you to isolate yourself. Acting opposite—in this case, reaching out, rather than pulling back—can decrease these feelings of shame.

The Best Online Therapy Services for Depression We Tried and Tested

If you find yourself thinking, “I want to disappear,” it can feel overwhelming and only intensify those feelings of shame or self-loathing as your brain attacks itself. Instead, a concept fromnarrative therapycalled externalization can help you change the story you’re telling yourself.

Rather than thinking, “I want to disappear,” try to namewhatwants you to disappear. Is it shame? Fear of embarrassment? Telling yourself, “shame wants me to disappear,” can put some distance between you and these thoughts. This may help you take a step back and realize that it is these unhelpful thoughts that want you to disappear.

Gersten suggests taking a break from what makes you want to disappear for as long as you can help. If it’s work that’s making you think of disappearing, maybe a long vacation isn’t feasible right now, but taking a day off or an actual break time are smaller ways to remove yourself from the cause.

Vanishing into thin air often isn’t what would really help in the long term (as tempting as it feels!), and we usually think a lot clearer after a break.—RACHEL GERSTEN, LMHC, VIVA WELLNESS

Vanishing into thin air often isn’t what would really help in the long term (as tempting as it feels!), and we usually think a lot clearer after a break.

—RACHEL GERSTEN, LMHC, VIVA WELLNESS

Research shows that even microbreaks are helpful at work.Sometimes, wanting to disappear could mean getting off the grid, disconnecting for a day or an afternoon, and spending time in nature.

Once you have removed yourself from whatever that’s making you want to disappear, “check in with yourself to get to the root of what’s going on to cause the feeling,” says Gersten. If this is at work, it could be that you feel you are not being respected, that you have more work than is manageable—or maybe you hate your boss.

From there, take a look at what you can change. If you’re feeling like you’re not being respected or have more work on your plate than you can handle, there may be conversations you can have with coworkers on these points. If not, you can decide to change how you deal with the situation or leave the job—not disappear—altogether.

How to Take a Break from Work (and Why You Need To)

If I Want to Disappear, Am I Depressed or Suicidal?

You might be worried that wanting to disappear means that you are depressed or suicidal. Gersten says that wanting to disappear doesn’t necessarily equate to adiagnosis of depressionor feelings of suicide. Sometimes it may just be as simple as you don’t want to deal with whatever’s going on that day, and checking out sounds like a better option.

But it also can be a warning sign that there’s more going on with your mental health than you realize, especially depending on how often you’re thinking this way. If you thinkI want to disappearmultiple times during the day or most days, you might want tofind a therapist.

If you or a loved one are struggling with depression, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.

They can help you untangle what the feelings of fantasizing about disappearing are covering up. They can also help you think through which problems you think disappearing might solve and what that would look like. A therapist may finally help you find tools to deal with these feelings or guide you to discover changes you want or need to make in your life.

A therapist may ask you if you feelother things that might point to depression. Other symptoms of depression can include:

An appointment might include a suicide risk assessment to determine what wanting to disappear means to you. Does it mean you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or that you simply want to get away?

If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.988

If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

988

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Dickerson SS, Kemeny ME, Aziz N, Kim KH, Fahey JL.Immunological effects of induced shame and guilt.Psychosomatic Medicine. 2004;66(1):124-131. doi:10.1097/01.psy.0000097338.75454.29Committee on the Health and Medical Dimensions of Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults, Board on Health Sciences Policy, Board on Behavioral, Cognitive, and Sensory Sciences, Health and Medicine Division, Division of Behavioral and Social Sciences and Education, National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine.Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults: Opportunities for the Health Care System.National Academies Press; 2020. doi:10.17226/25663Sauer-Zavala S, Wilner JG, Cassiello-Robbins C, Saraff P, Pagan D.Isolating the effect of opposite action in borderline personality disorder: A laboratory-based alternating treatment design.Behav Res Ther. 2019;117:79-86. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2018.10.006Mainsbridge CP, Cooley D, Dawkins S, et al.Taking a stand for office-based workers’ mental health: the return of the microbreak.Frontiers in Public Health. 2020;8. doi:10.3389/fpubh.2020.00215

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Dickerson SS, Kemeny ME, Aziz N, Kim KH, Fahey JL.Immunological effects of induced shame and guilt.Psychosomatic Medicine. 2004;66(1):124-131. doi:10.1097/01.psy.0000097338.75454.29Committee on the Health and Medical Dimensions of Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults, Board on Health Sciences Policy, Board on Behavioral, Cognitive, and Sensory Sciences, Health and Medicine Division, Division of Behavioral and Social Sciences and Education, National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine.Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults: Opportunities for the Health Care System.National Academies Press; 2020. doi:10.17226/25663Sauer-Zavala S, Wilner JG, Cassiello-Robbins C, Saraff P, Pagan D.Isolating the effect of opposite action in borderline personality disorder: A laboratory-based alternating treatment design.Behav Res Ther. 2019;117:79-86. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2018.10.006Mainsbridge CP, Cooley D, Dawkins S, et al.Taking a stand for office-based workers’ mental health: the return of the microbreak.Frontiers in Public Health. 2020;8. doi:10.3389/fpubh.2020.00215

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Dickerson SS, Kemeny ME, Aziz N, Kim KH, Fahey JL.Immunological effects of induced shame and guilt.Psychosomatic Medicine. 2004;66(1):124-131. doi:10.1097/01.psy.0000097338.75454.29Committee on the Health and Medical Dimensions of Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults, Board on Health Sciences Policy, Board on Behavioral, Cognitive, and Sensory Sciences, Health and Medicine Division, Division of Behavioral and Social Sciences and Education, National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine.Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults: Opportunities for the Health Care System.National Academies Press; 2020. doi:10.17226/25663Sauer-Zavala S, Wilner JG, Cassiello-Robbins C, Saraff P, Pagan D.Isolating the effect of opposite action in borderline personality disorder: A laboratory-based alternating treatment design.Behav Res Ther. 2019;117:79-86. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2018.10.006Mainsbridge CP, Cooley D, Dawkins S, et al.Taking a stand for office-based workers’ mental health: the return of the microbreak.Frontiers in Public Health. 2020;8. doi:10.3389/fpubh.2020.00215

Dickerson SS, Kemeny ME, Aziz N, Kim KH, Fahey JL.Immunological effects of induced shame and guilt.Psychosomatic Medicine. 2004;66(1):124-131. doi:10.1097/01.psy.0000097338.75454.29

Committee on the Health and Medical Dimensions of Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults, Board on Health Sciences Policy, Board on Behavioral, Cognitive, and Sensory Sciences, Health and Medicine Division, Division of Behavioral and Social Sciences and Education, National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine.Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults: Opportunities for the Health Care System.National Academies Press; 2020. doi:10.17226/25663

Sauer-Zavala S, Wilner JG, Cassiello-Robbins C, Saraff P, Pagan D.Isolating the effect of opposite action in borderline personality disorder: A laboratory-based alternating treatment design.Behav Res Ther. 2019;117:79-86. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2018.10.006

Mainsbridge CP, Cooley D, Dawkins S, et al.Taking a stand for office-based workers’ mental health: the return of the microbreak.Frontiers in Public Health. 2020;8. doi:10.3389/fpubh.2020.00215

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?