What to Do If You're Married but Lonely

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsSigns of LonelinessWhy Married People Feel LonelyEffectsWhat to DoFrequently Asked Questions

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Signs of Loneliness

Why Married People Feel Lonely

Effects

What to Do

Frequently Asked Questions

Close

You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. While being in a committed relationship might seem like the solution to the feeling of loneliness, it is possible to be married and lonely.

Is it normal to be lonely when you’re married?

This article discusses why people are sometimes married but lonely as well as some of the steps you can take to combat feelings of loneliness in your marriage.

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Signs of Being Married and Lonely

Living with another person isn’t a cure for loneliness. It is your feelings of being connected to your spouse that keep you from feeling isolated and alone in your relationship. Some of the signs that you might be feeling lonely in your marriage include:

All of these factors can contribute to feelings of loneliness in your marriage. Sometimes this might only affect one person in the relationship, but in many cases, both partners may be left feeling isolated and cut off from their partner.

Being Alone vs. Being LonelyRemember that solitude isn’t the same thing as loneliness. You can be alone, but not lonely. You can also spend time with your spouse and still feel isolated or emotionally abandoned.Having time to yourselfcan be good for your mental health, but it is important to knowwhat you can do if you are feeling lonely.

Being Alone vs. Being Lonely

Remember that solitude isn’t the same thing as loneliness. You can be alone, but not lonely. You can also spend time with your spouse and still feel isolated or emotionally abandoned.Having time to yourselfcan be good for your mental health, but it is important to knowwhat you can do if you are feeling lonely.

How to Cope With Loneliness

Why Are People Married but Lonely?

There are many factors that can contribute to loneliness in your marriage:

This increase in loneliness was likely worsened as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. Because many people’ssocial circles became much more limitedduring and even after the pandemic, it created a great deal of pressure for many married couples.

Where people used to have other relationships to help fulfill some of their social needs, the pandemic often forced people to rely on their spouses to fulfill all of these roles. Changed workplaces, increased telecommuting, and other life changes have also meant that people’s social situations have changed even after the pandemic. So when your partner simply can’t meet all of these demands, you might find yourself feeling like you don’t have the support you need.

Recap

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Effects of Being Married and Lonely

Loneliness is an emotionally painful experience. It’s also one that many people don’t talk about. Unfortunately, research also suggests that these feelings can have a negative impact on both your physical and emotional health. Some ways loneliness might affect you include:

Feelings of loneliness can also affect your well-being in other ways. When you are feeling lonely in your marriage, you might be less likely to engage in health-promoting behaviors like exercising or eating healthy. It might also impact your sleep or cause feelings ofstressandnegative thinkingthat can also be detrimental to your health.

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What to Do If You’re Married but Lonely

If you are feeling a sense of loneliness or isolation in your marriage, there are steps you can take to feel more connected. Figuring out the possible cause of the problem, talking to your spouse, and spending more quality time together are great places to start.

Talk to Your Spouse

The first step is totalk to your partnerabout what you are feeling and see if they are experiencing the same thing. If you are both feeling lonely, then it’s likely something you can work on together to reconnect and build a deeper sense of connection.

If this sense of loneliness is one-sided, it might be more difficult to address. If your partner is being emotionally supportive but you still feel lonely, it might be something else within yourself that you need to work on.

Avoid Blaming

As you work on overcoming loneliness in your relationship, it’s important to avoid placing blame. This can cause your partner to feel attacked and become defensive.

Instead of framing these conversations around what your spouse isn’t doing (“You never ask me questions about my day!”), focus on talking about your own feelings and needs (“I’ve been feeling alone and it would help me if you asked me about my experiences and feelings.”)

Spend More Time Together

Getting more quality time with your spouse is another important step. The demands of daily life, including family and work, can make it hard to focus on your relationship.Doing things like carving out time for a date night, going to bed at the same time, and talking about your days are just a few things that can help you feel more connected to your spouse.

Limiting your social media use may also be helpful. As the research suggests, heavy social media use may contribute to increased feelings of isolation and loneliness.

It can also contribute to unrealistic expectations about your own relationship. When you see filtered highlights of other people’s lives and relationships, it may make you feel less positive about your own.

Creating limits around your social media use can also have other benefits, including more time to spend with your partner. If you’ve found yourself scrolling through your newsfeed instead of talking to your partner, consider creating a time and space where you put down your phone and focus on each other instead.

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Get Professional Help

If loneliness is still causing problems, you should consider talking to a therapist about why you are married but lonely.Couples therapycan be highly effective and can address problems with trust, intimacy, empathy, and communication.A therapist can help you learn more about how to connect with each other, develop stronger communication skills, and work on any underlying issues that might be interfering with your marriage.

RecapIf you are feeling lonely in your marriage, you can take steps to fix the problem. Talking to your spouse is an essential first step. Spending more time together can also help you feel more connected. Couples therapy can also be effective for improving different aspects of your relationship.

If you are feeling lonely in your marriage, you can take steps to fix the problem. Talking to your spouse is an essential first step. Spending more time together can also help you feel more connected. Couples therapy can also be effective for improving different aspects of your relationship.

A Word From Verywell

It’s important to remember that every marriage is different. And every relationship will have a natural ebb and flow, which may include periods of feeling less connected.

If you are feeling lonely in your marriage, it’s important to figure out what might be causing it and take steps to address the problem. Getting to the bottom of the issue now can help you work toward building a healthier relationship.

Frequently Asked QuestionsThe reasons you feel married and lonely are likely complex and varied. For many people, the pressures of juggling work and family life often leave little time to spend quality time together as a couple, which can result in disconnection and loneliness. Stressful events, poor communication, lack of intimacy, and unrealistic expectations can also play a part.The first step toward overcoming loneliness in a relationship is to discuss the problem with your spouse. They might be feeling the same way, or they might be completely unaware of the problem. Be careful not to accuse or blame them, but mention that you would like to spend more time together to focus on rebuilding your sense of intimacy and connection. If you’re still struggling, it can also be helpful to talk to a professional couple’s therapist.Walkaway wife syndrome is a colloquial expression to describe someone who leaves a marriage because they are unhappy and can no longer stay in the relationship. It is also sometimes referred to as ‘sudden divorce syndrome’ or ‘neglected wife syndrome.’ Feeling lonely in a relationship can sometimes contribute to the emotional disconnection that ultimately leads to the end of a marriage.

The reasons you feel married and lonely are likely complex and varied. For many people, the pressures of juggling work and family life often leave little time to spend quality time together as a couple, which can result in disconnection and loneliness. Stressful events, poor communication, lack of intimacy, and unrealistic expectations can also play a part.

The first step toward overcoming loneliness in a relationship is to discuss the problem with your spouse. They might be feeling the same way, or they might be completely unaware of the problem. Be careful not to accuse or blame them, but mention that you would like to spend more time together to focus on rebuilding your sense of intimacy and connection. If you’re still struggling, it can also be helpful to talk to a professional couple’s therapist.

Walkaway wife syndrome is a colloquial expression to describe someone who leaves a marriage because they are unhappy and can no longer stay in the relationship. It is also sometimes referred to as ‘sudden divorce syndrome’ or ‘neglected wife syndrome.’ Feeling lonely in a relationship can sometimes contribute to the emotional disconnection that ultimately leads to the end of a marriage.

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12 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Thayer C, Anderson GO.Loneliness and Social Connections: A National Survey of Adults 45 and Older. AARP Research; 2018. doi:10.26419/res.00246.001Hsieh N, Hawkley L.Loneliness in the older adult marriage: Associations with dyadic aversion, indifference, and ambivalence.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(10):1319-1339. doi:10.1177/0265407517712480Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S.The growing problem of loneliness.The Lancet.2018;391(10119):426Bialik K.Americans unhappy with family, social or financial life are more likely to say they feel lonely. Pew Research Center.Flood SM, Genadek KR.Time for each other: work and family constraints among couples.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(1):142-164. doi:10.1111/jomf.12255Primack BA, Shensa A, Sidani JE, et al.Social media use and perceived social isolation among young adults in the U.S.American Journal of Preventive Medicine. 2017;53(1):1-8. doi:10.1016/j.amepre.2017.01.010Harvard University.Loneliness in America: how the pandemic has deepened an epidemic of loneliness and what we can do about it.Lee SL, Pearce E, Ajnakina O, et al.The association between loneliness and depressive symptoms among adults aged 50 years and older: A 12-year population-based cohort study.Lancet Psychiatry. 2021;8(1):48-57. doi:10.1016/S2215-0366(20)30383-7Vitlic A, Lord JM, Phillips AC.Stress, ageing and their influence on functional, cellular and molecular aspects of the immune system.Age (Dordr). 2014;36(3). doi:10.1007/s11357-014-9631-6Xia N, Li H.Loneliness, social isolation, and cardiovascular health.Antioxid Redox Signal. 2018 Mar 20;28(9):837-851. doi:10.1089/ars.2017.7312Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: A study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735

12 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Thayer C, Anderson GO.Loneliness and Social Connections: A National Survey of Adults 45 and Older. AARP Research; 2018. doi:10.26419/res.00246.001Hsieh N, Hawkley L.Loneliness in the older adult marriage: Associations with dyadic aversion, indifference, and ambivalence.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(10):1319-1339. doi:10.1177/0265407517712480Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S.The growing problem of loneliness.The Lancet.2018;391(10119):426Bialik K.Americans unhappy with family, social or financial life are more likely to say they feel lonely. Pew Research Center.Flood SM, Genadek KR.Time for each other: work and family constraints among couples.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(1):142-164. doi:10.1111/jomf.12255Primack BA, Shensa A, Sidani JE, et al.Social media use and perceived social isolation among young adults in the U.S.American Journal of Preventive Medicine. 2017;53(1):1-8. doi:10.1016/j.amepre.2017.01.010Harvard University.Loneliness in America: how the pandemic has deepened an epidemic of loneliness and what we can do about it.Lee SL, Pearce E, Ajnakina O, et al.The association between loneliness and depressive symptoms among adults aged 50 years and older: A 12-year population-based cohort study.Lancet Psychiatry. 2021;8(1):48-57. doi:10.1016/S2215-0366(20)30383-7Vitlic A, Lord JM, Phillips AC.Stress, ageing and their influence on functional, cellular and molecular aspects of the immune system.Age (Dordr). 2014;36(3). doi:10.1007/s11357-014-9631-6Xia N, Li H.Loneliness, social isolation, and cardiovascular health.Antioxid Redox Signal. 2018 Mar 20;28(9):837-851. doi:10.1089/ars.2017.7312Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: A study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Thayer C, Anderson GO.Loneliness and Social Connections: A National Survey of Adults 45 and Older. AARP Research; 2018. doi:10.26419/res.00246.001Hsieh N, Hawkley L.Loneliness in the older adult marriage: Associations with dyadic aversion, indifference, and ambivalence.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(10):1319-1339. doi:10.1177/0265407517712480Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S.The growing problem of loneliness.The Lancet.2018;391(10119):426Bialik K.Americans unhappy with family, social or financial life are more likely to say they feel lonely. Pew Research Center.Flood SM, Genadek KR.Time for each other: work and family constraints among couples.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(1):142-164. doi:10.1111/jomf.12255Primack BA, Shensa A, Sidani JE, et al.Social media use and perceived social isolation among young adults in the U.S.American Journal of Preventive Medicine. 2017;53(1):1-8. doi:10.1016/j.amepre.2017.01.010Harvard University.Loneliness in America: how the pandemic has deepened an epidemic of loneliness and what we can do about it.Lee SL, Pearce E, Ajnakina O, et al.The association between loneliness and depressive symptoms among adults aged 50 years and older: A 12-year population-based cohort study.Lancet Psychiatry. 2021;8(1):48-57. doi:10.1016/S2215-0366(20)30383-7Vitlic A, Lord JM, Phillips AC.Stress, ageing and their influence on functional, cellular and molecular aspects of the immune system.Age (Dordr). 2014;36(3). doi:10.1007/s11357-014-9631-6Xia N, Li H.Loneliness, social isolation, and cardiovascular health.Antioxid Redox Signal. 2018 Mar 20;28(9):837-851. doi:10.1089/ars.2017.7312Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: A study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735

Thayer C, Anderson GO.Loneliness and Social Connections: A National Survey of Adults 45 and Older. AARP Research; 2018. doi:10.26419/res.00246.001

Hsieh N, Hawkley L.Loneliness in the older adult marriage: Associations with dyadic aversion, indifference, and ambivalence.J Soc Pers Relat. 2018;35(10):1319-1339. doi:10.1177/0265407517712480

Cacioppo JT, Cacioppo S.The growing problem of loneliness.The Lancet.2018;391(10119):426

Bialik K.Americans unhappy with family, social or financial life are more likely to say they feel lonely. Pew Research Center.

Flood SM, Genadek KR.Time for each other: work and family constraints among couples.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(1):142-164. doi:10.1111/jomf.12255

Primack BA, Shensa A, Sidani JE, et al.Social media use and perceived social isolation among young adults in the U.S.American Journal of Preventive Medicine. 2017;53(1):1-8. doi:10.1016/j.amepre.2017.01.010

Harvard University.Loneliness in America: how the pandemic has deepened an epidemic of loneliness and what we can do about it.

Lee SL, Pearce E, Ajnakina O, et al.The association between loneliness and depressive symptoms among adults aged 50 years and older: A 12-year population-based cohort study.Lancet Psychiatry. 2021;8(1):48-57. doi:10.1016/S2215-0366(20)30383-7

Vitlic A, Lord JM, Phillips AC.Stress, ageing and their influence on functional, cellular and molecular aspects of the immune system.Age (Dordr). 2014;36(3). doi:10.1007/s11357-014-9631-6

Xia N, Li H.Loneliness, social isolation, and cardiovascular health.Antioxid Redox Signal. 2018 Mar 20;28(9):837-851. doi:10.1089/ars.2017.7312

Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728

Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: A study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735

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