What to Do If Your Partner Won't Talk About Their Feelings

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsDon’t Give Up on CommunicationHow Culture Affects ExpressivenessHow to Encourage Openness

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Don’t Give Up on Communication

How Culture Affects Expressiveness

How to Encourage Openness

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It’s super frustrating when it feels like your partner is an emotional brick wall. This is the person you are supposed to share everything with, right? So, why can’t they let you know what they are really feeling? Instead of opening up, you’re left trying to decode half-hearted shrugs and one-word responses.

If this sounds like your relationship, you are not alone.Lack of communicationis a common problem for many couples, but a lack of emotional can be particularly troublesome.

When a partner doesn’t discuss their feelings, it’s hard for the other person and can lead to discord. People want to feel like they have open communication and trueintimacy. If you are tired of playing armchair therapist (and psychic) when it comes to your partner’s feelings, there are things you can do to help them open up. Just remember,vulnerabilitycan be really hard. It often takes persistence, patience, and a whole lot ofempathy.

So, how can you encourage your partner to open up? For starters, try the following:

Ultimately, creating a safe and open space will make your partner more comfortable discussing their feelings.

According toJohn Gottman, women are the ones to bring up issues 80% of the time in heterosexual relationships. A partner who won’t talk about their feelings is a common issue.

Emotionsserve a variety of purposes. If your partner is reticent or uncomfortable when asked to share their emotions, they will perhaps avoid conversation or give you one-word answers. This can become frustrating.

Common causes for their discomfort in engaging with you about emotions include:

Our cultures affect our communications greatly. If men are taught to avoid being vulnerable or are prejudiced against women due totoxic masculinity, they likely will not have learned that expressing their emotions is healthy. They will remain tight-lipped as a result.

If your partner won’t open up about expressing emotions, they’re more likely to avoid mental health treatment, too. Depression anxiety, substance abuse issues, and mental health problems may be viewed asweaknesses.

While emotions likehappiness, sadness, anger and fear are considered universal emotions, for Japanese culture, for example, it’s less customary toshow strong negative emotionsin front of others than in American culture.

According to research, cultural ways of expressing emotions even influence how emotions are experienced.This study sought to determine if less-expressive Chinese individuals from Beijing and more expressive Americans from LA experienced emotions in different ways.

Findings indicate that the differences in expressiveness did correspond to differences in how somatosensory mechanisms contributed to constructing feelings. So, while different customs and cultures influence the expression of feelings, they also shape an individual’s understanding of how they feel.

Ways To Encourage Your Partner to Open Up

Fortunately, there are some strategies you can use to foster and open, supportive environment. By modeling emotional communication, encouraging your partner, and being responsive when they do share, they may begin to gradually open up and tell you more about what’s going on inside their head.

Use Positive Body Language

Amy Keller, LMFTOne formula that I coach clients to use with unresponsive partners is to speak softly, make sure you have direct eye contact, and touch their arms in a loving way.

Amy Keller, LMFT

One formula that I coach clients to use with unresponsive partners is to speak softly, make sure you have direct eye contact, and touch their arms in a loving way.

Dr. Amy (as she prefers to be called) doesn’t stop there. She says, “While smiling, use phrases like ‘Just indulge me. I would like to get to know you better and I am curious about the importance of going to your boss’s son’s baseball game every week. Tell me how this serves you and I will do my best to understand and support you.'"

Remind Them You’re Not Criticizing

It’s okay to tell your partner you’re frustrated andshare your feelings with your partner. But if they feel they’re being judged, they might shut down. What if you are being critical and don’t want to be?

Normalize Sharing of Emotions in Conversations

It’s best not to discuss the issue in the middle of an argument. Choose a quiet time in which both you and your partner are relaxed.

Be Responsive To Encourage Your Partner to Open Up

Knowing your way of responding influences whether your partner willbottle up their feelingsor not. Not much research has explored interpersonal processes that facilitate or inhibit emotional expression. That is until a 2020 study looked at the impact of perceived partner responsiveness and found that it encouraged emotional expression.

The research used two different studies (a daily diary and a lab experiment). Overall, the results showed that believing your partner to be responsive led to higher levels of emotional expression. This finding was true for both positive and negative emotional expression, even when controlling for gender and other relationship features.

In other words, when people feel that their partner is understanding, supportive, and attentive, they are most likely to open up about their feelings—both the positive and the negative.

Takeaway

It takes time for people to learn how to open up, but there are strategies you can use to make it easier for your partner. If your partner still won’t share their feelings and your disappointment has led to resentment, seek out the help of a therapist for yourself or both of you.

The 10 Best Online Couples Therapy Services We Tried and Tested

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Johnson MD, Lavner JA, Mund M, et al.Within-couple associations between communication and relationship satisfaction over time.Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2022;48(4):534-549. doi:10.1177/01461672211016920Immordino-Yang MH, Yang XF, Damasio H.Cultural modes of expressing emotions influence how emotions are experienced.Emotion. 2016;16(7):1033-1039. doi:10.1037/emo0000201Ruan Y, Reis HT, Clark MS, Hirsch JL, Bink BD.Can I tell you how I feel? Perceived partner responsiveness encourages emotional expression.Emotion. 2020;20(3):329-342. doi:10.1037/emo0000650

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Johnson MD, Lavner JA, Mund M, et al.Within-couple associations between communication and relationship satisfaction over time.Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2022;48(4):534-549. doi:10.1177/01461672211016920Immordino-Yang MH, Yang XF, Damasio H.Cultural modes of expressing emotions influence how emotions are experienced.Emotion. 2016;16(7):1033-1039. doi:10.1037/emo0000201Ruan Y, Reis HT, Clark MS, Hirsch JL, Bink BD.Can I tell you how I feel? Perceived partner responsiveness encourages emotional expression.Emotion. 2020;20(3):329-342. doi:10.1037/emo0000650

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Johnson MD, Lavner JA, Mund M, et al.Within-couple associations between communication and relationship satisfaction over time.Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2022;48(4):534-549. doi:10.1177/01461672211016920Immordino-Yang MH, Yang XF, Damasio H.Cultural modes of expressing emotions influence how emotions are experienced.Emotion. 2016;16(7):1033-1039. doi:10.1037/emo0000201Ruan Y, Reis HT, Clark MS, Hirsch JL, Bink BD.Can I tell you how I feel? Perceived partner responsiveness encourages emotional expression.Emotion. 2020;20(3):329-342. doi:10.1037/emo0000650

Johnson MD, Lavner JA, Mund M, et al.Within-couple associations between communication and relationship satisfaction over time.Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2022;48(4):534-549. doi:10.1177/01461672211016920

Immordino-Yang MH, Yang XF, Damasio H.Cultural modes of expressing emotions influence how emotions are experienced.Emotion. 2016;16(7):1033-1039. doi:10.1037/emo0000201

Ruan Y, Reis HT, Clark MS, Hirsch JL, Bink BD.Can I tell you how I feel? Perceived partner responsiveness encourages emotional expression.Emotion. 2020;20(3):329-342. doi:10.1037/emo0000650

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