What to Do If Your Partner Is Not Interested in Sex

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Research suggests thatsexual satisfactionplays a pivotal role in healthy relationships. However, many factors affect the quality of a couple’s sex life and individual sexual desire throughout a relationship, and “dry spells” are a common concern.

This can stir feelings offrustration, self-doubt, and worry that this is your first step toward asexless marriage.

According to a study published in theArchives of Sexual Behavior,American adults are having less sex, regardless of gender, race, or marital status.

Verywell / Nusha Ashjaee

Is It Normal Not to Be Interested in Sex?

There is no rule as to when a dry spell is “too long.” It depends on the couple’s age, how long they have been together, and what their usual pattern of sex has been.

It is important not to confuse “average” frequency estimates with what is normal for you and your relationship. Every individual and couple is different, and sexual desire fluctuates naturally over time. The important thing is that you’re both satisfied with the amount and quality of the sex that you have.

Ultimately, if a dry spell is causing tension in the relationship or is undermining the confidence of one or both partners, action is necessary—and it can be tricky.

Unless both partners are willing to engage in honest, open communication, any discussion about the lack of sex can trigger feelings of guilt, anger, blame, or embarrassment. This ultimately interferes with resolution of the problem.

Why Your Partner May Be Less Interested in Sex

Decreased sex drive and intimacy are common as people age, with a decline beginning around age 45.Although you might assume that your partner ishaving an affair,is gay, or has simply lost interest in you, you must remain open to all possibilities.

More importantly, you must distinguish betweenlow libido(lack of sexual desire), hypoactive sexual desire (the absence of sexual fantasies), and sexual dysfunction. Each can have physical and psychological causes, but treatments are highly individual.By understanding the difference, you can approach the problem more objectively and avoid many of the emotional repercussions.

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Low Libido

Low libido is a lack of sex drive that can lead to decreased sexual activity. Treatment requires discovering the underlying causes. These might include:

Other emotional challenges can also play a role in how much a person desires sex.

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Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is defined as the absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity. It is the most common type of sexual dysfunction among women, affecting 8.9% of women between the ages of 18 and 44, 12.3% between the ages of 45 and 64, and 7.4% over the age of 65.

Research suggests that HSDD is linked to a number of negative outcomes including declines in health-related quality of life, more frequent negative emotions, lower levels of happiness, and less satisfaction with partners.

Despite the negative impacts of the condition, a lack of interest in sex often goes underdiagnosed and undertreated. Fewer than 50% of people who are having sexual problems seek help from their healthcare providers, often out of feelings of embarrassment or discomfort initiating discussions about sex.

Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual dysfunction refers to any problem that occurs at any point during the sexual response cycle that prevents an individual or a couple from having a satisfying sexual experience.This can include problems with desire, arousal, orgasm, or pain.

Types of sexual dysfunction in men include erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, and premature ejaculation. In women, types of sexual dysfunction include inadequate lubrication and an inability to relax the vaginal muscles to allow intercourse.

Female Sexual Arousal Disorder: Definition, Symptoms, Causes, Treatment

What to Do When Your Partner Has Lost Interest in Sex

The first step: Open a line of communication.Approach your partner about sexual problemsin neutral territory where you can discuss things privately and calmly.

Express yourself sensitively and without any suggestion of blame. Share your worries within the context of the relationship rather than asserting how “you” are causing “me” to worry. That is where worry turns to blame.

Therapycan teach you stress management skills and help identify undercurrents of depression or anxiety.

Can a Relationship Survive Without Desire?

Remember: Solving any relationship problem—whether sexual, financial, or emotional—is a process and not an event. Take your time, be patient, and, if needed, seek counseling to ensure your self-esteem and confidence remain intact. Help is available to get your relationship back on track.

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11 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Ziaee T, Jannati Y, Mobasheri E, et al.The relationship between marital and sexual satisfaction among married women employees at Golestan University of medical sciences, Iran.Iran J Psychiatry Behav Sci. 2014;8(2):44–51.Twenge JM, Sherman RA, Wells BE.Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, 1989-2014.Arch Sex Behav. 2017;46(8):2389-2401. doi:10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1Buttaro TM, Koeniger-Donohue R, Hawkins J.Sexuality and quality of life in aging: implications for practice.J Nurs Pract. 2014;10(7):480-485. doi:10.1016/j.nurpra.2014.04.008Montgomery KA.Sexual desire disorders.Psychiatry (Edgmont). 2008;5(6):50-5.Bodenmann G, Atkins DC, Schär M, Poffet V.The association between daily stress and sexual activity.J Fam Psychol. 2010;24(3):271-9. doi:10.1037/a0019365Simon JA.Low sexual desire–is it all in her head? Pathophysiology, diagnosis, and treatment of hypoactive sexual desire disorder.Postgrad Med. 2010;122(6):128-136. doi:10.3810/pgm.2010.11.2230Bergeron S, Corsini-Munt S, Aerts L, Rancourt K, Rosen NO.Female sexual pain disorders: a review of the literature on etiology and treatment.Current Sexual Health Reports. 2015;7(3):159-169. doi:10.1007/s11930-015-0053-yParish SJ, Hahn SR.Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: a review of epidemiology, biopsychology, diagnosis, and treatment.Sex Med Rev. 2016;4(2):103-120. doi:10.1016/j.sxmr.2015.11.009Cleveland Clinic.Sexual dysfunction.Berkseth KE, Thirumalai A, Amory JK.Pharmacologic therapy in men’s health: hypogonadism, erectile dysfunction, and benign prostatic hyperplasia.Med Clin North Am. 2016;100(4):791-805. doi:10.1016/j.mcna.2016.03.006Kaczkurkin AN, Foa EB.Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety disorders: an update on the empirical evidence.Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2015;17(3):337-46.Additional ReadingTwenge J, Sherman R, Wells B.Declines in sexual frequency among American adults, 1989-2014.Arch Sex Behav.2017;46:2389. doi: 10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1.

11 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Ziaee T, Jannati Y, Mobasheri E, et al.The relationship between marital and sexual satisfaction among married women employees at Golestan University of medical sciences, Iran.Iran J Psychiatry Behav Sci. 2014;8(2):44–51.Twenge JM, Sherman RA, Wells BE.Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, 1989-2014.Arch Sex Behav. 2017;46(8):2389-2401. doi:10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1Buttaro TM, Koeniger-Donohue R, Hawkins J.Sexuality and quality of life in aging: implications for practice.J Nurs Pract. 2014;10(7):480-485. doi:10.1016/j.nurpra.2014.04.008Montgomery KA.Sexual desire disorders.Psychiatry (Edgmont). 2008;5(6):50-5.Bodenmann G, Atkins DC, Schär M, Poffet V.The association between daily stress and sexual activity.J Fam Psychol. 2010;24(3):271-9. doi:10.1037/a0019365Simon JA.Low sexual desire–is it all in her head? Pathophysiology, diagnosis, and treatment of hypoactive sexual desire disorder.Postgrad Med. 2010;122(6):128-136. doi:10.3810/pgm.2010.11.2230Bergeron S, Corsini-Munt S, Aerts L, Rancourt K, Rosen NO.Female sexual pain disorders: a review of the literature on etiology and treatment.Current Sexual Health Reports. 2015;7(3):159-169. doi:10.1007/s11930-015-0053-yParish SJ, Hahn SR.Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: a review of epidemiology, biopsychology, diagnosis, and treatment.Sex Med Rev. 2016;4(2):103-120. doi:10.1016/j.sxmr.2015.11.009Cleveland Clinic.Sexual dysfunction.Berkseth KE, Thirumalai A, Amory JK.Pharmacologic therapy in men’s health: hypogonadism, erectile dysfunction, and benign prostatic hyperplasia.Med Clin North Am. 2016;100(4):791-805. doi:10.1016/j.mcna.2016.03.006Kaczkurkin AN, Foa EB.Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety disorders: an update on the empirical evidence.Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2015;17(3):337-46.Additional ReadingTwenge J, Sherman R, Wells B.Declines in sexual frequency among American adults, 1989-2014.Arch Sex Behav.2017;46:2389. doi: 10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Ziaee T, Jannati Y, Mobasheri E, et al.The relationship between marital and sexual satisfaction among married women employees at Golestan University of medical sciences, Iran.Iran J Psychiatry Behav Sci. 2014;8(2):44–51.Twenge JM, Sherman RA, Wells BE.Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, 1989-2014.Arch Sex Behav. 2017;46(8):2389-2401. doi:10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1Buttaro TM, Koeniger-Donohue R, Hawkins J.Sexuality and quality of life in aging: implications for practice.J Nurs Pract. 2014;10(7):480-485. doi:10.1016/j.nurpra.2014.04.008Montgomery KA.Sexual desire disorders.Psychiatry (Edgmont). 2008;5(6):50-5.Bodenmann G, Atkins DC, Schär M, Poffet V.The association between daily stress and sexual activity.J Fam Psychol. 2010;24(3):271-9. doi:10.1037/a0019365Simon JA.Low sexual desire–is it all in her head? Pathophysiology, diagnosis, and treatment of hypoactive sexual desire disorder.Postgrad Med. 2010;122(6):128-136. doi:10.3810/pgm.2010.11.2230Bergeron S, Corsini-Munt S, Aerts L, Rancourt K, Rosen NO.Female sexual pain disorders: a review of the literature on etiology and treatment.Current Sexual Health Reports. 2015;7(3):159-169. doi:10.1007/s11930-015-0053-yParish SJ, Hahn SR.Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: a review of epidemiology, biopsychology, diagnosis, and treatment.Sex Med Rev. 2016;4(2):103-120. doi:10.1016/j.sxmr.2015.11.009Cleveland Clinic.Sexual dysfunction.Berkseth KE, Thirumalai A, Amory JK.Pharmacologic therapy in men’s health: hypogonadism, erectile dysfunction, and benign prostatic hyperplasia.Med Clin North Am. 2016;100(4):791-805. doi:10.1016/j.mcna.2016.03.006Kaczkurkin AN, Foa EB.Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety disorders: an update on the empirical evidence.Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2015;17(3):337-46.

Ziaee T, Jannati Y, Mobasheri E, et al.The relationship between marital and sexual satisfaction among married women employees at Golestan University of medical sciences, Iran.Iran J Psychiatry Behav Sci. 2014;8(2):44–51.

Twenge JM, Sherman RA, Wells BE.Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, 1989-2014.Arch Sex Behav. 2017;46(8):2389-2401. doi:10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1

Buttaro TM, Koeniger-Donohue R, Hawkins J.Sexuality and quality of life in aging: implications for practice.J Nurs Pract. 2014;10(7):480-485. doi:10.1016/j.nurpra.2014.04.008

Montgomery KA.Sexual desire disorders.Psychiatry (Edgmont). 2008;5(6):50-5.

Bodenmann G, Atkins DC, Schär M, Poffet V.The association between daily stress and sexual activity.J Fam Psychol. 2010;24(3):271-9. doi:10.1037/a0019365

Simon JA.Low sexual desire–is it all in her head? Pathophysiology, diagnosis, and treatment of hypoactive sexual desire disorder.Postgrad Med. 2010;122(6):128-136. doi:10.3810/pgm.2010.11.2230

Bergeron S, Corsini-Munt S, Aerts L, Rancourt K, Rosen NO.Female sexual pain disorders: a review of the literature on etiology and treatment.Current Sexual Health Reports. 2015;7(3):159-169. doi:10.1007/s11930-015-0053-y

Parish SJ, Hahn SR.Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: a review of epidemiology, biopsychology, diagnosis, and treatment.Sex Med Rev. 2016;4(2):103-120. doi:10.1016/j.sxmr.2015.11.009

Cleveland Clinic.Sexual dysfunction.

Berkseth KE, Thirumalai A, Amory JK.Pharmacologic therapy in men’s health: hypogonadism, erectile dysfunction, and benign prostatic hyperplasia.Med Clin North Am. 2016;100(4):791-805. doi:10.1016/j.mcna.2016.03.006

Kaczkurkin AN, Foa EB.Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety disorders: an update on the empirical evidence.Dialogues Clin Neurosci. 2015;17(3):337-46.

Twenge J, Sherman R, Wells B.Declines in sexual frequency among American adults, 1989-2014.Arch Sex Behav.2017;46:2389. doi: 10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1.

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