What to Do If You Disagree With Your Partner About Having Kids

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsIf You’ve Just Started DatingIf You’re In a Long Term RelationshipWhat to Do If Your Partner Changes Their MindWhen to Call It QuitsWhen to Keep Going

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

If You’ve Just Started Dating

If You’re In a Long Term Relationship

What to Do If Your Partner Changes Their Mind

When to Call It Quits

When to Keep Going

Close

As more and more peoplequestion whether or not having children is the correct route for them, it’s understandable if this has become one of the most important questions in yourromanticrelationships.

To discuss how couples in both long and short-term relationships can effectively face this issue, Verywell Mind spoke with Anita Chlipala, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder ofRelationship Reality 312.

“I’ve worked with clients where they didn’t have the conversations that went into the details about what it would look like to have a child,” says Chlipala. “Couples who are conflict avoidant can go years of dating each other without having significant talks, and sometimes time alone won’t help with clarity or answers.”

To help with these significant talks, Chlipala breaks down the ins and outs of couples who disagree about this critically important topic.

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This is one of those rare situations where a black and white answer is readily available: if you know from the very beginning that you want children and you find out that the person you’re newly dating does not, end it.

Anita Chlipala, LMFTIf you both are adamant about your stance and won’t change your mind, stop dating each other. It’s easier to walk away before youfall in love.

Anita Chlipala, LMFT

If you both are adamant about your stance and won’t change your mind, stop dating each other. It’s easier to walk away before youfall in love.

That’s right! Even if it feels like you’ve connected in every other way, no one deserves to face resentment from their partner about their basic desires regarding their future family.

“There’s really no middle ground here,” says Chlipala. “You’d be wasting your time and are better off finding someone with similar goals.”

According to Chlipala, this is a topic that’s definitely not uncommon. That said, it is definitley common for couples to delay the hard conversations required to address the problem. “I’ve worked with clients where they didn’t have the conversations that went into the details about what it would look like to have a child,” says Chlipala.

These conversations go well beyond the simple desire and delve into the financial, familial, and social impacts of having a child.

“Although you don’t have to have every detail figured out, you both need to have these kinds of conversations to see how close or far apart you are in terms of expectations,” says Chlipala.

Reasons Why Your Long-Term Partner Doesn’t Want Kids

According to Chlipala, long-term couples may find several reasons why one party is hesitant to have children.

For each of these circumstances (outlined below), she recommends seeing a therapist because often, couples find it challenging to have these hard conversations. In addition, a therapist can help mediate these issues.

Many times, Chilipala says that these problems can be addressed once both parties are more specific about what bringing a child into their life would be like.

Here are some of the most common points of contention between partners:

Additional reasons why folks may not want or be extremely hesitant about having kids:

Many people may simply not want to have kids. They just don’t want to and have no reason in particular. No explanation or justification is needed for such a personal life decision.

Coping With the Stress Children Add to a Marriage

When one partner changes their mind about having kids, it can lead to feelings of surprise, shock, anger, sadness, grief, heartbreak, and resentment. As a result, the person who changed their mind may be left struggling with feelings of guilt, sadness, or frustration.

This can be one of the most difficult topics to face down, especially if you’ve invested years into a relationship.

It can be helpful to explore each person’s level of assuredness. There is a big difference between “I’m not sure” and “I’ve made up my mind and definitely don’t ever want children.” Instead of askingwhyyour partner doesn’t want kids, talk abouthowthey arrived at their decision.“Why” questions often put the other person in the position of having to defend, explain, rationalize, justify, and “prove” their choices. A question like “How did you arrive at this decision?” or “What shifted you to this choice at this time?” is less argumentative and allows you to explore the issue with kindness, curiosity, and compassion.

It can be helpful to explore each person’s level of assuredness. There is a big difference between “I’m not sure” and “I’ve made up my mind and definitely don’t ever want children.” Instead of askingwhyyour partner doesn’t want kids, talk abouthowthey arrived at their decision.

“Why” questions often put the other person in the position of having to defend, explain, rationalize, justify, and “prove” their choices. A question like “How did you arrive at this decision?” or “What shifted you to this choice at this time?” is less argumentative and allows you to explore the issue with kindness, curiosity, and compassion.

“I’ve worked with clients where Partner A changed their mind because they didn’t want to lose the relationship, but then years later they ended up breaking up anyway because Partner A just couldn’t bring themselves to follow through on having children,” explains Chlipala. “And for either partner, I also want to make sure they did the work to own their decision; otherwise, this could be a breeding ground for resentment down the road.”

To avoid this future resentment, she advises couples to talk explicitly abouttheir non-negotiables early on in the relationship. Then, some compromises can be made on both sides.

For example, if you decide to have children, Chlipala suggests makingquality timefor each other, like going away on vacation without the kids or continuing to prioritize friendships. On the other hand, if you both choose not to have children, a compromise may look like investing the money you would have saved for a child in a new house.

When one partner changes their mind about having kids, it can result in a breach of trust and lead to conflict. This will require attention and care if the couple decides to move forward together with this new information.

Signs that it may be time to call it quits:

If you’re having a hard time determining what’s right for you, and this can be especially pertinent to those that aren’t sure they want to have kids but want the option, Chlipala advises that you go out of your way to get a sense of what parenthood may look like.

“I’ve had clients tell me that they kick themselves in the butt that they didn’t come in to do the work sooner to get the clarity that they needed,” says Chlipala. “Address fears and have an action plan for each fear if applicable. This will also let you know if you and your partner have similar ideas.”

More than anything, she emphasizes the importance of making a decision sooner rather than later and that it’s important to get clarity.

How Couples Therapy Can Improve Your Relationship

Even if your partner does not want kids (or you don’t), it doesn’t mean that you should necessarily end your relationship. Instances where you may want to keep going include:

While this can be a difficult topic in relationships, try to see it as a comfort that this is one place where you can find a definitive answer. No matter what, if you’re choosing what’s right for you, you can trust that you will find peace down the road.

What If I Regret Having Kids?

1 SourceVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Gustafsson, S. (2005). Having Kids Later.Economic Analyses for Industrialized Countries.Review of Economics of the Household,3, 5–16.

1 Source

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Gustafsson, S. (2005). Having Kids Later.Economic Analyses for Industrialized Countries.Review of Economics of the Household,3, 5–16.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Gustafsson, S. (2005). Having Kids Later.Economic Analyses for Industrialized Countries.Review of Economics of the Household,3, 5–16.

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