What to Do If You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsRecognize the Signs You’re Growing ApartShare Your Concerns About Growing ApartSpend Time TogetherSupport One AnotherHave Fun TogetherGet Professional Help

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Recognize the Signs You’re Growing Apart

Share Your Concerns About Growing Apart

Spend Time Together

Support One Another

Have Fun Together

Get Professional Help

Close

It can be easy for couples to grow apart over time, particularly when each person has responsibilities and commitments that pull them in other directions. Without realizing it, these forces can start to put people on differing paths, often to the point where they feel disconnected from each other.

If you feel like you and your partner are growing apart or you’d just like to feel closer to them, there are steps that you can take to rebuild your connection.

At a GlanceIt isn’t uncommon for couples to drift apart in long-term relationships. Stress from juggling family, work, and other obligations can make it hard for couples to find time to spend together.Strategies that can help couples grow closer include talking about your concerns, finding ways to spend time together, supporting each other, and making time for fun. Couples therapy can also help couples improve communication and overcome problems.

At a Glance

It isn’t uncommon for couples to drift apart in long-term relationships. Stress from juggling family, work, and other obligations can make it hard for couples to find time to spend together.Strategies that can help couples grow closer include talking about your concerns, finding ways to spend time together, supporting each other, and making time for fun. Couples therapy can also help couples improve communication and overcome problems.

It isn’t uncommon for couples to drift apart in long-term relationships. Stress from juggling family, work, and other obligations can make it hard for couples to find time to spend together.

Strategies that can help couples grow closer include talking about your concerns, finding ways to spend time together, supporting each other, and making time for fun. Couples therapy can also help couples improve communication and overcome problems.

Some evidence suggests that’growing apart’is one of the most common reasons why relationships ultimately fail. According to one study looking at British couples who were married or cohabitating, 39% of men and 36% of women cited ‘growing apart’ as the reason why their relationship ended.

Growing apart was identified as the single most common cause for breakups, ahead of arguments, unfaithfulness, and lack of appreciation.

Some signs that you might be growing apart as a couple:

Sometimes these signs can be glaringly obvious, but they can also be subtle or develop slowly over time. Instead of brushing it aside, it is important to recognize that this is a problem that you can work together to resolve.

How to Develop Empathy in Relationships

The first step toward overcoming the growing distance between you and your partner is to talk about your concerns. However, it’s important to make sure this is aconversation and not a confrontation.

Make it clear that you aren’t blaming your partner for what is happening. Instead, provide observations about what you feel is happening and discuss how you can work together as a couple to bridge the gap.

While you might feel those things to be true, starting a blame game will only put the other person on the defensive and make them less likely to want to work together on rebuilding your intimacy and connection.

Studies looking at the intersecting demands of work and family suggest that both are high-demand and time-intensive institutions that require a great deal of devotion. It can be particularly challenging for couples who struggle with finding ahealthy work-life balance.

This requires individuals to make choices about where they spend their time, which sometimes leads to relationships getting short-changed to maketime for kidsand work.

Working parents often struggle to coordinate their schedules in order to find time for each other amidst work and family obligations.

Benefits of Spending Time Together

Past research has suggested that marital well-being can have long-term effects on health, but one study found that simply spending time together can have a number of immediate benefits as well.The results of the study found that:

“When men and women were with their spouses, they reported being happier, finding more meaning, and experiencing less stress. This suggests the relevance of shared time with a spouse for married individuals’ well-being,” University of Minnesota researchers Sarah Flood and Katie Genedek explain.

Sometimes it’s easier to feel a connection to someone when you feel like they are in your corner. Look for ways that you can show care and support for one another.

“When we believe we’re supported, we feel better about ourselves and can cope better with stressful events and situations,” explain Rob Pascale and Lou Primavera, PhD, in their book “Making Marriage Work: Avoiding the Pitfalls and Achieving Success.”

There are many different ways to support your spouse, including bothwordsanddeeds:

Validating their feelingscan also be a way to help your spouse feel seen, understood, and more emotionally connected.

Any relationship can start to feel less exciting over time as the realities of maintaining a lasting partnership and the grind of day-to-day life take precedence over keeping the passion alive.

“People stop engaging in the very activities that brought them together in the first place,” explain therapists Robert Schwarz and Elaine Braff, authors of “We’re No Fun Anymore: Helping Couples Cultivate Joyful Marriages Through the Power of Play.”

Schwarz and Braff suggest that even after your relationship settles into a pattern, it’s essential to maintain a sense of fun in order to have a successful and lasting relationship.

Research suggests thathaving fun in a relationshipis a key factor determining marital satisfaction.

One study of 1,187 couples throughout the United States found a strong correlation between those who engaged in activities they enjoyed doing together and happiness in their marriage.

Fun Activities for Couples

If the distance seems to be growing despite your efforts, consider talking to a mental health professional.Couples counselingcan help identify underlying problems, helping couples rebuild intimacy, and improving empathy andcommunication.

Emotionally-focused therapy(EFT) is one type of couples therapy that is effective in helping people address relationship issues. According to the American Psychological Association, this type of therapy has been shown to be effective in helping couples improve their emotional connection.

Othertypes of therapythat may be helpful include:

What This Means For YouA healthy relationship requires effort to maintain excitement, commitment, and connection. If you’re starting to notice that you and your spouse are growing apart, it’s important to think about how you want to address the problem and how you can work as a couple to build a richer, deeper, and more meaningful relationship.Finding ways to reconnect canstrengthen your relationshipand increase your well-being. If the disconnect persists despite your efforts, consider trying couples counseling.

What This Means For You

A healthy relationship requires effort to maintain excitement, commitment, and connection. If you’re starting to notice that you and your spouse are growing apart, it’s important to think about how you want to address the problem and how you can work as a couple to build a richer, deeper, and more meaningful relationship.Finding ways to reconnect canstrengthen your relationshipand increase your well-being. If the disconnect persists despite your efforts, consider trying couples counseling.

A healthy relationship requires effort to maintain excitement, commitment, and connection. If you’re starting to notice that you and your spouse are growing apart, it’s important to think about how you want to address the problem and how you can work as a couple to build a richer, deeper, and more meaningful relationship.

Finding ways to reconnect canstrengthen your relationshipand increase your well-being. If the disconnect persists despite your efforts, consider trying couples counseling.

The 10 Best Online Couples Therapy Services We Tried and Tested

8 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Gravningen K, Mitchell KR, Wellings K, et al.Reported reasons for breakdown of marriage and cohabitation in Britain: Findings from the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3).PLoS One. 2017;12(3):e0174129. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0174129Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Flood SM, Genadek KR.Time for each other: work and family constraints among couples.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(1):142-164. doi:10.1111/jomf.12255Primavera LH, Pascale R.Making Marriage Work: Avoiding the Pitfalls and Achieving Success. Rowman & Littlefield; 2016.Schwarz RA, Braff E.We’re No Fun Anymore: Helping Couples Cultivate Joyful Marriages through the Power of Play. Routledge; 2011.Ward PJ, Barney KW, Lundberg NR, Zabriskie RB.A critical examination of couple leisure and the application of the core and balance model.Journal of Leisure Research. 2014;46(5):593-611. doi:10.1080/00222216.2014.11950344Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: A study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735Greenberg LS.Introduction. In:Emotion-Focused Therapy. American Psychological Association; 2017:3-11. doi:10.1037/15971-001

8 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Gravningen K, Mitchell KR, Wellings K, et al.Reported reasons for breakdown of marriage and cohabitation in Britain: Findings from the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3).PLoS One. 2017;12(3):e0174129. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0174129Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Flood SM, Genadek KR.Time for each other: work and family constraints among couples.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(1):142-164. doi:10.1111/jomf.12255Primavera LH, Pascale R.Making Marriage Work: Avoiding the Pitfalls and Achieving Success. Rowman & Littlefield; 2016.Schwarz RA, Braff E.We’re No Fun Anymore: Helping Couples Cultivate Joyful Marriages through the Power of Play. Routledge; 2011.Ward PJ, Barney KW, Lundberg NR, Zabriskie RB.A critical examination of couple leisure and the application of the core and balance model.Journal of Leisure Research. 2014;46(5):593-611. doi:10.1080/00222216.2014.11950344Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: A study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735Greenberg LS.Introduction. In:Emotion-Focused Therapy. American Psychological Association; 2017:3-11. doi:10.1037/15971-001

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Gravningen K, Mitchell KR, Wellings K, et al.Reported reasons for breakdown of marriage and cohabitation in Britain: Findings from the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3).PLoS One. 2017;12(3):e0174129. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0174129Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728Flood SM, Genadek KR.Time for each other: work and family constraints among couples.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(1):142-164. doi:10.1111/jomf.12255Primavera LH, Pascale R.Making Marriage Work: Avoiding the Pitfalls and Achieving Success. Rowman & Littlefield; 2016.Schwarz RA, Braff E.We’re No Fun Anymore: Helping Couples Cultivate Joyful Marriages through the Power of Play. Routledge; 2011.Ward PJ, Barney KW, Lundberg NR, Zabriskie RB.A critical examination of couple leisure and the application of the core and balance model.Journal of Leisure Research. 2014;46(5):593-611. doi:10.1080/00222216.2014.11950344Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: A study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735Greenberg LS.Introduction. In:Emotion-Focused Therapy. American Psychological Association; 2017:3-11. doi:10.1037/15971-001

Gravningen K, Mitchell KR, Wellings K, et al.Reported reasons for breakdown of marriage and cohabitation in Britain: Findings from the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal-3).PLoS One. 2017;12(3):e0174129. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0174129

Overton AR, Lowry AC.Conflict management: difficult conversations with difficult people.Clin Colon Rectal Surg. 2013;26(4):259-64. doi:10.1055/s-0033-1356728

Flood SM, Genadek KR.Time for each other: work and family constraints among couples.J Marriage Fam. 2016;78(1):142-164. doi:10.1111/jomf.12255

Primavera LH, Pascale R.Making Marriage Work: Avoiding the Pitfalls and Achieving Success. Rowman & Littlefield; 2016.

Schwarz RA, Braff E.We’re No Fun Anymore: Helping Couples Cultivate Joyful Marriages through the Power of Play. Routledge; 2011.

Ward PJ, Barney KW, Lundberg NR, Zabriskie RB.A critical examination of couple leisure and the application of the core and balance model.Journal of Leisure Research. 2014;46(5):593-611. doi:10.1080/00222216.2014.11950344

Schofield MJ, Mumford N, Jurkovic D, Jurkovic I, Bickerdike A.Short and long-term effectiveness of couple counselling: A study protocol.BMC Public Health. 2012;12:735. doi:10.1186/1471-2458-12-735

Greenberg LS.Introduction. In:Emotion-Focused Therapy. American Psychological Association; 2017:3-11. doi:10.1037/15971-001

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