What Not to Say to Your Therapist

You’ve found a psychiatrist or therapist, set up an appointment, and are ready to start your first session—now what? What do you talk about once you start therapy? When it comes to speaking with your therapist, there are very few conversation topics that are off the table.

This article describes some common phrases that therapists tend to hear from their clients and why those phrases might hinder your progress in therapy.

What to Talk About in Therapy

1"I feel like I’m talking too much.“Remember, this hour or so with your therapist is your time and your space. If you go into therapy that day and have a lot to say, allow yourself to speak what’s on your mind.Instead of feeling bad for “talking too much,” you could instead say something like, “I have a lot I need to share. I appreciate you listening. I am working on identifying the most important points to share with you.““It can be cathartic to unload all your thoughts in a safe environment,” saysJennie Marie Battistin, LMFT, clinical director/founder of Hope Therapy Center in Burbank, California. “Rather than apologizing, pause and breathe. Then, consider whether you’re talking about several superficial events to avoid getting to deeper issues, or if you feel uncomfortable about a question that was asked.“If you do end up veering into either of the above territories, your therapist is equipped to help steer you back to the point of focus.What Conditions Does Online Therapy Treat?

“I feel like I’m talking too much.“Remember, this hour or so with your therapist is your time and your space. If you go into therapy that day and have a lot to say, allow yourself to speak what’s on your mind.Instead of feeling bad for “talking too much,” you could instead say something like, “I have a lot I need to share. I appreciate you listening. I am working on identifying the most important points to share with you.““It can be cathartic to unload all your thoughts in a safe environment,” saysJennie Marie Battistin, LMFT, clinical director/founder of Hope Therapy Center in Burbank, California. “Rather than apologizing, pause and breathe. Then, consider whether you’re talking about several superficial events to avoid getting to deeper issues, or if you feel uncomfortable about a question that was asked.“If you do end up veering into either of the above territories, your therapist is equipped to help steer you back to the point of focus.What Conditions Does Online Therapy Treat?

“I feel like I’m talking too much.”

Remember, this hour or so with your therapist is your time and your space. If you go into therapy that day and have a lot to say, allow yourself to speak what’s on your mind.

Instead of feeling bad for “talking too much,” you could instead say something like, “I have a lot I need to share. I appreciate you listening. I am working on identifying the most important points to share with you.”

“It can be cathartic to unload all your thoughts in a safe environment,” saysJennie Marie Battistin, LMFT, clinical director/founder of Hope Therapy Center in Burbank, California. “Rather than apologizing, pause and breathe. Then, consider whether you’re talking about several superficial events to avoid getting to deeper issues, or if you feel uncomfortable about a question that was asked.”

If you do end up veering into either of the above territories, your therapist is equipped to help steer you back to the point of focus.

What Conditions Does Online Therapy Treat?

2"I’m the worst. I didn’t do my homework.“Often,your therapist will give you a task or assignmentat the end of your session, and then ask you to report back the next time you’re together. While it’s important to prioritize this homework, it’s also understandable if you weren’t able to make it happen.Battistin says that instead of zeroing in on that guilty feeling, try to get to the heart of the reason why your task wasn’t checked off the to-do list.Maybe you had a difficult time managing your time that week or struggled to understand its importance. Perhaps the task was such a challenge that a smaller step first would be better.Whatever the case, this is something you and your therapist can talk about and work through during your session. You might even suggest doing the task during your actual therapy session, if possible.Therapy is your space, and you are the leader of your growth and change. A homework assignment is optional in many cases and provided to help enhance your work in therapy. Your therapist isn’t judging you and it is not helpful to judge yourself.—JENNIE MARIE BATTISTIN, LMFTHow to Find a Therapist

“I’m the worst. I didn’t do my homework.“Often,your therapist will give you a task or assignmentat the end of your session, and then ask you to report back the next time you’re together. While it’s important to prioritize this homework, it’s also understandable if you weren’t able to make it happen.Battistin says that instead of zeroing in on that guilty feeling, try to get to the heart of the reason why your task wasn’t checked off the to-do list.Maybe you had a difficult time managing your time that week or struggled to understand its importance. Perhaps the task was such a challenge that a smaller step first would be better.Whatever the case, this is something you and your therapist can talk about and work through during your session. You might even suggest doing the task during your actual therapy session, if possible.Therapy is your space, and you are the leader of your growth and change. A homework assignment is optional in many cases and provided to help enhance your work in therapy. Your therapist isn’t judging you and it is not helpful to judge yourself.—JENNIE MARIE BATTISTIN, LMFTHow to Find a Therapist

“I’m the worst. I didn’t do my homework.”

Often,your therapist will give you a task or assignmentat the end of your session, and then ask you to report back the next time you’re together. While it’s important to prioritize this homework, it’s also understandable if you weren’t able to make it happen.

Battistin says that instead of zeroing in on that guilty feeling, try to get to the heart of the reason why your task wasn’t checked off the to-do list.

Maybe you had a difficult time managing your time that week or struggled to understand its importance. Perhaps the task was such a challenge that a smaller step first would be better.

Whatever the case, this is something you and your therapist can talk about and work through during your session. You might even suggest doing the task during your actual therapy session, if possible.

Therapy is your space, and you are the leader of your growth and change. A homework assignment is optional in many cases and provided to help enhance your work in therapy. Your therapist isn’t judging you and it is not helpful to judge yourself.—JENNIE MARIE BATTISTIN, LMFT

—JENNIE MARIE BATTISTIN, LMFT

How to Find a Therapist

3"I’m sorry for my emotions.“You never need to apologize to your therapist for having a lot of emotions or some intense emotions. Your therapist is there to hear those feelings and help you work through them.“Therapy should offer a safe space to express your non-violent emotions, and to find support and coping mechanisms,” saysIndra Cidambi, MD, clinical psychologist, and medical director/founder of Center for Network Therapy. “It is OK to express emotions. Your therapist is trained to help people and guide them to a better place.“The 6 Types of Basic Emotions and Their Effect on Human Behavior

“I’m sorry for my emotions.“You never need to apologize to your therapist for having a lot of emotions or some intense emotions. Your therapist is there to hear those feelings and help you work through them.“Therapy should offer a safe space to express your non-violent emotions, and to find support and coping mechanisms,” saysIndra Cidambi, MD, clinical psychologist, and medical director/founder of Center for Network Therapy. “It is OK to express emotions. Your therapist is trained to help people and guide them to a better place.“The 6 Types of Basic Emotions and Their Effect on Human Behavior

“I’m sorry for my emotions.”

You never need to apologize to your therapist for having a lot of emotions or some intense emotions. Your therapist is there to hear those feelings and help you work through them.

“Therapy should offer a safe space to express your non-violent emotions, and to find support and coping mechanisms,” saysIndra Cidambi, MD, clinical psychologist, and medical director/founder of Center for Network Therapy. “It is OK to express emotions. Your therapist is trained to help people and guide them to a better place.”

The 6 Types of Basic Emotions and Their Effect on Human Behavior

4"I always just talk about myself.“Battistin says that when a client is new to therapy, it’s common to struggle with feeling rude about the one-way channel of conversation.With friendswe have a back-and-forth dialogue, so it might feel a bit awkward to only discuss only your thoughts and feelings.But that is what therapy is for - to give you a place to focus just on yourself. Take advantage of this attention from your therapist, and don’t feel bad for not talking about them in turn.Remember, this is your space and your time to heal and learn. The very point is to talk about yourself.

“I always just talk about myself.“Battistin says that when a client is new to therapy, it’s common to struggle with feeling rude about the one-way channel of conversation.With friendswe have a back-and-forth dialogue, so it might feel a bit awkward to only discuss only your thoughts and feelings.But that is what therapy is for - to give you a place to focus just on yourself. Take advantage of this attention from your therapist, and don’t feel bad for not talking about them in turn.Remember, this is your space and your time to heal and learn. The very point is to talk about yourself.

“I always just talk about myself.”

Battistin says that when a client is new to therapy, it’s common to struggle with feeling rude about the one-way channel of conversation.With friendswe have a back-and-forth dialogue, so it might feel a bit awkward to only discuss only your thoughts and feelings.

But that is what therapy is for - to give you a place to focus just on yourself. Take advantage of this attention from your therapist, and don’t feel bad for not talking about them in turn.

Remember, this is your space and your time to heal and learn. The very point is to talk about yourself.

“I can’t believe I told you that!”

She says that she often reminds her clients that she’s not judging them and that this is their space to be open and honest.

Allow yourself to open up freely so your therapist can learn about your world and help you produce the story of your life.

6"Therapy won’t work for me.“This mindset is common in people who are new to therapy and don’t yet understand its full function and power. It is particularly common in people who struggle to give up control, and for people who come into therapy withpreconceived notions and stigmatized attitudesabout the “type” of people who “need” therapy.The good news is that you’re there, and you’ve begun this life-long journey. The better news is that you are totally OK saying something like, “I’m fearful that therapy won’t work for me,” or “I’m not sure how therapy works or if it’s for me.“You could even say, ‘I am ambivalent about handing over control to someone else, so you may find that I am sometimes resistant to your suggestions.'—INDRA CIDAMBI, MDThis allows your therapist to understand your mindset and better help you work through it in order to find success. Just because you’re skeptical doesn’t mean therapy won’t eventually help you.

“Therapy won’t work for me.“This mindset is common in people who are new to therapy and don’t yet understand its full function and power. It is particularly common in people who struggle to give up control, and for people who come into therapy withpreconceived notions and stigmatized attitudesabout the “type” of people who “need” therapy.The good news is that you’re there, and you’ve begun this life-long journey. The better news is that you are totally OK saying something like, “I’m fearful that therapy won’t work for me,” or “I’m not sure how therapy works or if it’s for me.“You could even say, ‘I am ambivalent about handing over control to someone else, so you may find that I am sometimes resistant to your suggestions.'—INDRA CIDAMBI, MDThis allows your therapist to understand your mindset and better help you work through it in order to find success. Just because you’re skeptical doesn’t mean therapy won’t eventually help you.

“Therapy won’t work for me.”

This mindset is common in people who are new to therapy and don’t yet understand its full function and power. It is particularly common in people who struggle to give up control, and for people who come into therapy withpreconceived notions and stigmatized attitudesabout the “type” of people who “need” therapy.

The good news is that you’re there, and you’ve begun this life-long journey. The better news is that you are totally OK saying something like, “I’m fearful that therapy won’t work for me,” or “I’m not sure how therapy works or if it’s for me.”

You could even say, ‘I am ambivalent about handing over control to someone else, so you may find that I am sometimes resistant to your suggestions.'—INDRA CIDAMBI, MD

You could even say, ‘I am ambivalent about handing over control to someone else, so you may find that I am sometimes resistant to your suggestions.'

—INDRA CIDAMBI, MD

This allows your therapist to understand your mindset and better help you work through it in order to find success. Just because you’re skeptical doesn’t mean therapy won’t eventually help you.

Other Things to AvoidIn addition to curbing (or rephrasing) the above in your therapy sessions, there are some topics and behaviors that truly are off-limits for both you and your therapist.These include:Confidential conversations about other patients your therapist seesRomantic conversations (or activity) toward each otherDemonstrating insensitivity to culture, sex, race, gender, or identityHowever, violent emotions and urges should absolutely be addressed. If you feel them and have them, let your therapist know, and together you can work on directing them into healthier channels (and likely more accurate emotions).In addition, therapists should not offer their judgment or criticism about you or others, give unsolicited advice, or speak in hard-to-follow technical terms. They should also cultivate a space where you feel empowered to be open.Research indicates your relationship with your therapist, known as a therapeutic alliance, has a powerful effect on therapy outcomes.A good therapist relationship is one where you feel respected, safe, and important. Progress in therapy can be expedited when you are able to establish trust in your client-therapist relationship and canpractice vulnerability without fear. This can take practice and time, so be patient and give yourself grace.6 Ways to Get the Most Out of Therapy

Other Things to Avoid

In addition to curbing (or rephrasing) the above in your therapy sessions, there are some topics and behaviors that truly are off-limits for both you and your therapist.

These include:

However, violent emotions and urges should absolutely be addressed. If you feel them and have them, let your therapist know, and together you can work on directing them into healthier channels (and likely more accurate emotions).

In addition, therapists should not offer their judgment or criticism about you or others, give unsolicited advice, or speak in hard-to-follow technical terms. They should also cultivate a space where you feel empowered to be open.

Research indicates your relationship with your therapist, known as a therapeutic alliance, has a powerful effect on therapy outcomes.

A good therapist relationship is one where you feel respected, safe, and important. Progress in therapy can be expedited when you are able to establish trust in your client-therapist relationship and canpractice vulnerability without fear. This can take practice and time, so be patient and give yourself grace.

6 Ways to Get the Most Out of Therapy

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kleiven GS, Hjeltnes A, Råbu M, Moltu C.Opening up: Clients' inner struggles in the initial phase of therapy.Front Psychol. 2020;11:591146. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.591146American Psychological Association.Ethical Principles and Code of Conduct.Goldfried MR.What should we expect from psychotherapy?Clinical Psychology Review.2013;33(7):862-869. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2013.05.003

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kleiven GS, Hjeltnes A, Råbu M, Moltu C.Opening up: Clients' inner struggles in the initial phase of therapy.Front Psychol. 2020;11:591146. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.591146American Psychological Association.Ethical Principles and Code of Conduct.Goldfried MR.What should we expect from psychotherapy?Clinical Psychology Review.2013;33(7):862-869. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2013.05.003

Kleiven GS, Hjeltnes A, Råbu M, Moltu C.Opening up: Clients' inner struggles in the initial phase of therapy.Front Psychol. 2020;11:591146. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.591146American Psychological Association.Ethical Principles and Code of Conduct.Goldfried MR.What should we expect from psychotherapy?Clinical Psychology Review.2013;33(7):862-869. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2013.05.003

Kleiven GS, Hjeltnes A, Råbu M, Moltu C.Opening up: Clients' inner struggles in the initial phase of therapy.Front Psychol. 2020;11:591146. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.591146

American Psychological Association.Ethical Principles and Code of Conduct.

Goldfried MR.What should we expect from psychotherapy?Clinical Psychology Review.2013;33(7):862-869. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2013.05.003

Hannah Owens, LMSW

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“I feel like I’m talking too much.”#

“I’m the worst. I didn’t do my homework.”#

“I’m sorry for my emotions.”#

“I always just talk about myself.”#

“I can’t believe I told you that!”#

“Therapy won’t work for me.”#

Other Things to Avoid#