What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed

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When someone you care about is depressed, offering advice or wisdom may be something you do with only good intentions in mind. However, the words you use may not convey the message you want to send—especially if you don’t understandthe nature of depressionand mental illness.

It’s important to remember that depression is a mental health condition that requires treatment.Depression treatmentcan involve medication, therapy, self-help strategies, and more.

That’s why it can be helpful to understand what not to say to someone with depression. Avoiding the types of statements presented here can keep your family member or friend from feeling worse, or from feeling as if you have no compassion or empathy for their experience.

Don’tMinimize their feelingsDismiss their symptomsDeny their feelingsCompare their feelings to othersExpress apathyCall them selfishDoTell them you careAsk how you can helpTake care of tasks like chores or errandsOffer to help them find helpExpress empathy and understandingBe supportive

Don’tMinimize their feelingsDismiss their symptomsDeny their feelingsCompare their feelings to othersExpress apathyCall them selfish

Minimize their feelings

Dismiss their symptoms

Deny their feelings

Compare their feelings to others

Express apathy

Call them selfish

DoTell them you careAsk how you can helpTake care of tasks like chores or errandsOffer to help them find helpExpress empathy and understandingBe supportive

Tell them you care

Ask how you can help

Take care of tasks like chores or errands

Offer to help them find help

Express empathy and understanding

Be supportive

Things Not to Say to Someone With Depression

Don’t Tell Them to Try Harder

There aremany reasons depression developsand a person cannot control all of the risk factors involved. Once a person has become depressed, it’s not a matter of just “talking themselves out of” a low mood.

Like diabetes or hypothyroidism, depression can happen because of physiological reasons. Research suggests that neurotransmission issues, HPA axis abnormalities, and network dysfunctions can all contribute to depression.Issues withneurotransmitter regulationmay play a role as well.

So, similar to how people with diabetes might need treatment with insulin, people with depression may need medical intervention and support. For some people, this may mean takingmedications that address chemical imbalancesthat can contribute to the condition.

The Chemistry of Depression

Don’t Oversimplify

Well-meaning exhortations to “cheer up” or “smile” may feel friendly and supportive to you, but they oversimplify the intense feelings associated with depression. Depression makes it difficult for individuals to function as they typically would, and it islonger-term than ordinary sadness.

Just as someone who is depressed can’t force their brain to make more serotonin, they also can’t just “decide” to be happy. While there are certainly benefits topracticing positive thinking,it’s not enough to cure someone of depression.

Don’t Express Disbelief

“People who need help sometimes look a lot like people who don’t need help,” says author Glennon Doyle in her book “Carry On, Warrior.“In other words, how a person appears on the outside does not necessarily reflect how they feel on the inside.

This is true of many mental illnesses, but alsochronic illnesses and conditionsthat are sometimes deemed invisible. So avoid making statements like:

It’s not uncommon for people with depression and anxiety to try very hard to “put on a good face” and hide how they really feel from others.

Don’t Respond With Doubt

Some reasons people with depression may try to hide what they are feeling include:

Just because someone with depression tries to cover it up, it doesn’t mean they want to be dismissed when they do choose to open up about how they feel. It takes courage to speak openly about the pain they are experiencing. If someone responds with doubt, it may make them feel liketalking about their depressionis not safe.

Responding with doubt can also make the person doubt themself, and having self-doubt can further contribute to their depression.

Don’t Compare Their Pain

When talking to a friend with depression or who is going through a difficult time, resist the temptation to compare their pain with that of someone else’s. Remember that pain (both emotional and physical) is not only subjective but also relative.

Depression doesn’t need a justification. The experience is highly personal, and even if you care about someone and want to help, be aware that you can never know for sure how it feels to be them.

So, stop yourself from making comparisons or staging a “competition” for who feels the worst. Doing so isn’t helpful and can make a person with depression feel that you’re not truly listening to what they’re telling you.

Maybe a person’s lifecouldbe worse, but depression isn’t about how bad things are—it’s about how bad they feel for that person at that moment.

Don’t Minimize Their Experience

To you, an event or situation that constitutes a minor annoyance or inconvenience may feel like an insurmountable obstacle to your loved one with depression. However, people with depression may lack the internal resources needed tocope with stressin an effective and healthy way.

So, avoid statements such as:

The person may also worry if theydon’t see a clear reason for their depression, and not knowing whythey are depressed can make them feel worse. What someone’s life looks like on the outside doesn’t always reflect, or change, how they feel on the inside.

Don’t Blame

While a deficiency of mood-regulating substances in the brain may be contributing to depression, the phrase “all in your head” tends to be blameful. People who hear the phrase may feel attacked, as though they are being accused of making it up or lying about how they feel.

So, avoid saying things such as:

Furthermore, depression very often is not just in someone’s head but in their body as well. There are manyphysical symptoms of depression, including chronic pain,which are very real. Depression is a medical condition that can’t be expected to improve without treatment.

Don’t Attribute It to Their Lifestyle

Avoid saying things such as:

While researchers don’t understand all the potential causes of depression, they know that there are many factors. Some of the key factors that contribute to depression development include:

There are some modifiable risk factors and lifestyle changes that can have an impact on symptoms,but simply recommending lifestyle changes they may not be prepared for can also be unhelpful. Thesymptoms of depression(such as fatigue and lack of motivation) can make mental and physical activity overwhelming and exhausting.

Don’t Be Apathetic

When someone is depressed, they may carry feelings of guilt and shame. They may feel that they are a burden to the people in their lives. These feelings can make depression worse and may even lead tosuicidal thoughtsorself-harming behaviors.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, contact theNational Suicide Prevention Lifelineat988for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

When you care for (and about) someone who is depressed, you may say hurtful things when you are feeling frustrated or worried. If you find yourself thinking, “Who cares?” when listening to a loved one, recognize that it might be asign you are burnt out.

You need to take care of your own emotional and mental health before you can help someone else with theirs. If you are feeling frustrated, irritated, or helpless, check in with yourself and make sure you have the support you need.

Don’t Shame

Implying that a person with depression doesn’t care about other people provides no comfort and only fuels feelings of blame, shame, and guilt. People who experience depression still care about others. They just may not have the capacity to show it whendealing with depression.

Don’t Ignore Them

Even if you have experienced clinical depression yourself, your experience may be different from someone else’s. If you’ve never had depression, it may be hard for you to empathize. In either case, if someone you love is depressed, the best thing you can do is be open and willing to learn.

If you are struggling to understand what they need, be honest. Calmly explain, then be patient and ready to listen.

Avoid Platitudes

While a statement you make may be true, a person who is depressed may not have the perspective necessary to entertain the idea—let alone believe it. Platitudes, clichés, and vague statements don’t offer much for someone to hold on to in terms of hope.

So, avoid making statements like:

What You Can DoInstead of pushing them to focus on the future or forget about the past:Do your best to be present with them at the moment.Sit with them and try not to worry aboutsaying the right thing.You may find the most helpful thing you can do is listen.

What You Can Do

Instead of pushing them to focus on the future or forget about the past:Do your best to be present with them at the moment.Sit with them and try not to worry aboutsaying the right thing.You may find the most helpful thing you can do is listen.

Instead of pushing them to focus on the future or forget about the past:

Final Thoughts

When you’re talking to a loved one about their depression, repeating platitudes can make them feel that you’re minimizing their feelings. When you’re expressing your own feelings, the phrases you use may seem clear and to the point from your perspective, but the person with depression may feel attacked, misunderstood, or deeply hurt.

That’s why it can be tough to find helpful words for someone who is feeling depressed. Don’t be afraid to say, “I am not sure what to say right now.” Stay mindful that the words you know can make a big difference. And if you’re not careful, your words might do more harm than good.

If you think you’ve said something hurtful in the past, apologize. Explain that you weren’t sure what to say or that you didn’t understand.Making a genuine apologycan help someone begin to feel better, even if your words haven’t been helpful in the past.

How to Help Someone With Depression

14 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.How to talk about mental health.Dean J, Keshavan M.The neurobiology of depression: an integrated view.Asian J Psychiatry. 2017;27:101-111.doi:10.1016/j.ajp.2017.01.025Liu Y, Zhao J, Guo W.Emotional roles of mono-aminergic neurotransmitters in major depressive disorder and anxiety disorders.Front Psychol. 2018;9:2201. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02201Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Sadness and depression.Taylor CT, Lyubomirsky S, Stein MB.Upregulating the positive affect system in anxiety and depression: Outcomes of a positive activity intervention.Depress Anx. 2017;34(3):267-280. doi:10.1002/da.22593Doyle G.Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life.Zhao Q, Chang S.Could directly shifting self-doubt mind-set reduce the negative effects of chronic self-doubt?J Soc Psychol. 2024;164(4):413-432. doi:10.1080/00224545.2022.2086842Bordea EN, Manea M, Pellegrini A.Unemployment and coping with stress, anxiety, and depression.Czech J Soc Sci Bus Econ. 2017;6(2):6-14.Sheng J, Liu S, Wang Y, Cui R, Zhang X.The link between depression and chronic pain: Neural mechanisms in the brain.Neural Plasticity. 2017;1:9724371. doi:10.1155/2017/9724371Mandelli L, Petrelli C, Serretti A.The role of specific early trauma in adult depression: A meta-analysis of published literature. Childhood trauma and adult depression.Eur Psychiatry. 2015;30(6):665-680. doi:10.1016/j.eurpsy.2015.04.007Sarris J, O’Neil A, Coulson CE, Schweitzer I, Berk M.Lifestyle medicine for depression.BMC Psychiatry. 2014;14:107. doi:10.1186/1471-244X-14-107Hendel HJ.Why some people harm themselves. National Alliance on Mental Illness.Cleveland Clinic.Caregiver burnout.National Alliance on Mental Health.How to help a friend.Additional ReadingMoore DP, Jefferson JW.Handbook of Medical Psychiatry, 2nd Ed.Stern T.Massachusetts General Hospital Comprehensive Clinical Psychiatry, 1st ed.

14 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.How to talk about mental health.Dean J, Keshavan M.The neurobiology of depression: an integrated view.Asian J Psychiatry. 2017;27:101-111.doi:10.1016/j.ajp.2017.01.025Liu Y, Zhao J, Guo W.Emotional roles of mono-aminergic neurotransmitters in major depressive disorder and anxiety disorders.Front Psychol. 2018;9:2201. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02201Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Sadness and depression.Taylor CT, Lyubomirsky S, Stein MB.Upregulating the positive affect system in anxiety and depression: Outcomes of a positive activity intervention.Depress Anx. 2017;34(3):267-280. doi:10.1002/da.22593Doyle G.Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life.Zhao Q, Chang S.Could directly shifting self-doubt mind-set reduce the negative effects of chronic self-doubt?J Soc Psychol. 2024;164(4):413-432. doi:10.1080/00224545.2022.2086842Bordea EN, Manea M, Pellegrini A.Unemployment and coping with stress, anxiety, and depression.Czech J Soc Sci Bus Econ. 2017;6(2):6-14.Sheng J, Liu S, Wang Y, Cui R, Zhang X.The link between depression and chronic pain: Neural mechanisms in the brain.Neural Plasticity. 2017;1:9724371. doi:10.1155/2017/9724371Mandelli L, Petrelli C, Serretti A.The role of specific early trauma in adult depression: A meta-analysis of published literature. Childhood trauma and adult depression.Eur Psychiatry. 2015;30(6):665-680. doi:10.1016/j.eurpsy.2015.04.007Sarris J, O’Neil A, Coulson CE, Schweitzer I, Berk M.Lifestyle medicine for depression.BMC Psychiatry. 2014;14:107. doi:10.1186/1471-244X-14-107Hendel HJ.Why some people harm themselves. National Alliance on Mental Illness.Cleveland Clinic.Caregiver burnout.National Alliance on Mental Health.How to help a friend.Additional ReadingMoore DP, Jefferson JW.Handbook of Medical Psychiatry, 2nd Ed.Stern T.Massachusetts General Hospital Comprehensive Clinical Psychiatry, 1st ed.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.How to talk about mental health.Dean J, Keshavan M.The neurobiology of depression: an integrated view.Asian J Psychiatry. 2017;27:101-111.doi:10.1016/j.ajp.2017.01.025Liu Y, Zhao J, Guo W.Emotional roles of mono-aminergic neurotransmitters in major depressive disorder and anxiety disorders.Front Psychol. 2018;9:2201. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02201Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Sadness and depression.Taylor CT, Lyubomirsky S, Stein MB.Upregulating the positive affect system in anxiety and depression: Outcomes of a positive activity intervention.Depress Anx. 2017;34(3):267-280. doi:10.1002/da.22593Doyle G.Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life.Zhao Q, Chang S.Could directly shifting self-doubt mind-set reduce the negative effects of chronic self-doubt?J Soc Psychol. 2024;164(4):413-432. doi:10.1080/00224545.2022.2086842Bordea EN, Manea M, Pellegrini A.Unemployment and coping with stress, anxiety, and depression.Czech J Soc Sci Bus Econ. 2017;6(2):6-14.Sheng J, Liu S, Wang Y, Cui R, Zhang X.The link between depression and chronic pain: Neural mechanisms in the brain.Neural Plasticity. 2017;1:9724371. doi:10.1155/2017/9724371Mandelli L, Petrelli C, Serretti A.The role of specific early trauma in adult depression: A meta-analysis of published literature. Childhood trauma and adult depression.Eur Psychiatry. 2015;30(6):665-680. doi:10.1016/j.eurpsy.2015.04.007Sarris J, O’Neil A, Coulson CE, Schweitzer I, Berk M.Lifestyle medicine for depression.BMC Psychiatry. 2014;14:107. doi:10.1186/1471-244X-14-107Hendel HJ.Why some people harm themselves. National Alliance on Mental Illness.Cleveland Clinic.Caregiver burnout.National Alliance on Mental Health.How to help a friend.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.How to talk about mental health.

Dean J, Keshavan M.The neurobiology of depression: an integrated view.Asian J Psychiatry. 2017;27:101-111.doi:10.1016/j.ajp.2017.01.025

Liu Y, Zhao J, Guo W.Emotional roles of mono-aminergic neurotransmitters in major depressive disorder and anxiety disorders.Front Psychol. 2018;9:2201. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02201

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Sadness and depression.

Taylor CT, Lyubomirsky S, Stein MB.Upregulating the positive affect system in anxiety and depression: Outcomes of a positive activity intervention.Depress Anx. 2017;34(3):267-280. doi:10.1002/da.22593

Doyle G.Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life.

Zhao Q, Chang S.Could directly shifting self-doubt mind-set reduce the negative effects of chronic self-doubt?J Soc Psychol. 2024;164(4):413-432. doi:10.1080/00224545.2022.2086842

Bordea EN, Manea M, Pellegrini A.Unemployment and coping with stress, anxiety, and depression.Czech J Soc Sci Bus Econ. 2017;6(2):6-14.

Sheng J, Liu S, Wang Y, Cui R, Zhang X.The link between depression and chronic pain: Neural mechanisms in the brain.Neural Plasticity. 2017;1:9724371. doi:10.1155/2017/9724371

Mandelli L, Petrelli C, Serretti A.The role of specific early trauma in adult depression: A meta-analysis of published literature. Childhood trauma and adult depression.Eur Psychiatry. 2015;30(6):665-680. doi:10.1016/j.eurpsy.2015.04.007

Sarris J, O’Neil A, Coulson CE, Schweitzer I, Berk M.Lifestyle medicine for depression.BMC Psychiatry. 2014;14:107. doi:10.1186/1471-244X-14-107

Hendel HJ.Why some people harm themselves. National Alliance on Mental Illness.

Cleveland Clinic.Caregiver burnout.

National Alliance on Mental Health.How to help a friend.

Moore DP, Jefferson JW.Handbook of Medical Psychiatry, 2nd Ed.Stern T.Massachusetts General Hospital Comprehensive Clinical Psychiatry, 1st ed.

Moore DP, Jefferson JW.Handbook of Medical Psychiatry, 2nd Ed.

Stern T.Massachusetts General Hospital Comprehensive Clinical Psychiatry, 1st ed.

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