Long-distance relationships (LDRs) are becoming increasingly common. With the rise of technology, we can now connect with people miles away, making it easier to develop romantic connections.
Regardless of why people are geographically apart, e.g., in terms of a job, family matters, education, etc., they can still be present in each other’s lives.
Despite the benefits, there are undoubtedly several challenges associated with long-distance relationships. Misunderstandings, arguments, and hurt feelings can occur, or if the damage is too unsolvable, then a complete end of the relationship can manifest.
In this article, we will explore some of the most common long-distance relationship killers, such as lack of trust, erosion of emotional connection, and overlooking small gestures. Through expert insights and hypothetical case studies, we will better understand what to avoid to make an LDR last.
For tips and tricks onhow to make long-distance relationships work, you can consider things like keeping intimacy alive and setting shared goals.
Breakdown of emotional connection
In long-distance relationships, emotional connections can weaken because of the challenges of being physically apart. When you can not see each other often, it is much harder to pick up on non-verbal signals that convey emotions, like facial expressions or body language.
Consequently, without these non-verbal cues, it can make it much easier to misinterpret situations which can lead to conflict that could have been avoided and even the death of the relationship.
Dr. Sue Johnson, a pioneer inEmotionally Focused Therapy,emphasizes the role ofsecure attachmentin effective communication. Digital communication, while a lifeline for LDRs, often falls prey to misunderstandings rooted in unmet attachment needs.
Specifically, digital communication can make it easy to have frequent check-ins. However, just because it may seem that you are exchanging messages quite a bit, the quality of those messages and conversations can have an impact.
It is easy to fall into more “surface level” discussions such as “What are you doing today?” “Any plans later?” and “I’m doing x” vs. more “deeper level” conversations that can further foster your connection. For example, topics around someone’s childhood, experiences, aspirations, memories, etc.
Additionally, doing the same things daily and sending the same “surface-level” messages can make your relationship feel more boring and routine-like, which might lead to feeling less emotionally connected.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, discusses how the “emotional bank account” in relationships must be consistently replenished through positive interactions. In the realm of LDRs, physical separation can unknowingly disrupt the emotional bonds that sustain love.
Why and How:
The lack of physical presence in long-distance relationships can lead to a gradual decline in emotional connection. The separation requires deliberate efforts to maintain positive interactions and expressions of love as if you are making consistent deposits into an emotional bank account.
The ‘why’ lies in the necessity of countering emotional erosion, while the ‘how’ involves intentional acts of love and positive communication.
Case Study – Sarah and Alex:
Feelings of insecurity
A lack of trustcan become a significant issue in long-distance relationships because physical separation can amplify insecurities. The absence of constant physical presence can lead to doubts and uncertainties about a partner’s actions, feelings, and consistency in communication.
Trust serves as the foundation of a resilient connection, which is especially needed innew long-distance relationships; misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts may arise without it. In some cases, partners may also become overly demanding, wanting to know every detail of each other’s lives, leading to strain.
Some common problems that can arise with trust building in LDRs are:
Being overly demanding and wanting to know every move
When one partner becomes excessively demanding, constantly asking for information about the other’s every move and interaction, it can create a suffocating atmosphere. This lack of personal space can decrease one’s sense of autonomy and independence, which are essential elements in any healthy relationship.
The demanding partner’s behavior may stem from insecurity or fear, but if not controlled, it can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, which can ultimately kill the relationship.
Anxiety about potential betrayal
The physical separation in long-distance relationships can amplify anxieties about potential betrayal. Without the ability to observe each other’s daily activities and interactions, partners may drown in unfounded fears and thoughts of infidelity.
This increased anxiety can lead to frequent questioning, suspicion, and an overall atmosphere of mistrust. If not addressed, the fear of betrayal can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, as the constant scrutiny and doubt may push the accused partner away, ultimately leading to a breakup.
Lack of agreement on boundaries
Establishing mutually agreed-upon boundaries is crucial in any relationship, and in an LDR scenario, these boundaries take on added significance. A lack of agreement on what is acceptable behavior and what crosses the line can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.
For example, if one partner feels neglected due to the other’s frequent social interactions, it can lead to feelings of isolation and a breakdown in trust. Without clear communication and alignment on boundaries, the relationship may become unsustainable.
Dr. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist renowned for her work on relationships, underscores the fragility of trust and the need for deliberate efforts to rebuild it.
In the absence of physical presence, trust can be especially vulnerable to eroding, giving rise to insecurities. Dr. Perel’s insights highlight the necessity of conscious actions to rebuild and fortify trust in LDRs.
Physical separation can amplify insecurities, which can crumple the foundation of trust. Trust has a very delicate nature and needs conscious efforts to rebuild it. The ‘why’ lies in preventing trust erosion, and the ‘how’ involves open communication, reassurance, and mutual understanding.
Case Study – Ryan and Ben:
Neglecting shared experiences
Neglecting shared experiences in long-distance relationships can contribute to emotional distance between partners. When couples are physically apart, the routine of daily communication may focus on exchanging information rather than creating meaningful moments together.
Shared experiences are essential for building emotional bonds and maintaining a sense of closeness. If partners neglect to engage in activities, even remotely, that bring joy, laughter, and connection, the relationship can feel monotonous and less fulfilling and ultimately lead to an end.
This can be especially impactful when major life events are missed. Milestones such as birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, etc., are not just dates on a calendar but symbols of shared joy and celebration.
When partners cannot be physically present for these significant moments, the emotional impact can be profound.
Dr. Terri Orbuch, a research professor known as the “Love Doctor,” highlights the role of shared rituals in maintaining relationship satisfaction. Routine and the neglect of shared experiences can lead to emotional detachment.
Neglecting shared rituals and experiences can result in emotional detachment. Dr. Orbuch underscores the role of shared rituals in maintaining relationship satisfaction.
The ‘why’ is rooted in preventing emotional detachment, and the ‘how’ involves cultivating meaningful routines and planning memorable experiences.
Case Study – Maria and Carlos:
Overlooking small gestures
Overlooking small gestures in long-distance relationships can lead to emotional distancing between partners. Small gestures, which can include thoughtful messages, surprise gifts, or expressions of love, are crucial in maintaining a sense of connection and intimacy.
Neglecting the power of small gestures can result in partners feeling less appreciated or valued, contributing to a gradual emotional drift, which can become the death of the relationship.
Dr. Gary Chapman, renowned for his workon love languages, underscores the impact of small gestures aligned with each partner’s preferred mode of receiving love. Underestimating the impact of small gestures can lead to emotional distancing.
Disregarding the power of small gestures can contribute to emotional distancing in long-distance relationships. Dr. Chapman emphasizes the impact of love languages in tailoring expressions of love.
The ‘why’ is rooted in preventing emotional distancing, and the ‘how’ involves incorporating daily gestures aligned with each partner’s love language.
Case Study – Jo and Alex:
Resistantce to adaptation
Resistance to adaptation in long-distance relationships can strain the connection between partners. When faced with changes, challenges, or unexpected situations, being unwilling or hesitant to adapt can create tension, hinder growth, and ultimately kill the relationship.
In long-distance relationships, unforeseen circumstances, such as changes in schedules or unexpected events, may require partners to adapt their communication styles or routines. Resistance to these adaptations can result in misunderstandings, frustration, and a lack of flexibility that may negatively impact the relationship.
Dr. Dan Wile, a seasoned couples therapist, advocates for flexibility and adaptability in relationships. Resistance to change can strain LDRs.
Resistance to adaptation can strain long-distance relationships. Dr. Wile advocates for flexibility and adaptability as crucial elements.
The ‘why’ is rooted in navigating challenges successfully, and the ‘how’ involves embracing change and proactively addressing challenges.
Case Study – Yasmin and Daniel:
Personal growth stagnation
Stagnation in personal growth in long-distance relationships can contribute to a sense of emotional disconnection between partners. When individuals in a relationship neglect their individual development and well-being, it can impact the overall vibrancy of the connection.
Partners may become so focused on maintaining the relationship that they overlook opportunities for individual fulfillment and self-improvement. This stagnation can lead to feelings of boredom or dissatisfaction, as both partners may feel stuck in their personal lives.
Dr. Karen Blair, a psychologist specializing in relationships, emphasizes the symbiotic relationship between individual growth and relationship vitality. Long-distance separation can inadvertently stunt personal development, impacting the relationship.
The physical separation in long-distance relationships can unintentionally hinder individual growth. Dr. Blair emphasizes the symbiotic relationship between individual development and relationship vitality.
The ‘why’ is rooted in the importance of personal growth, and the ‘how’ involves encouraging individual development and setting shared goals.
Case Study – Emma and Ling:
Pressure to make the limited time together perfect
Couples reported feeling like they need to cram a lot of fun activities into a short visit which can feel forced. There is often an expectation or standard that the time together needs to be positive.
Here is a summaryfrom a qualitative study:
So, in essence, the forced acceleration of fun and constant pressure to have an amazing visit at every reunion takes a toll. Couples overstuff weekends to counterbalance long stretches with no quality or shared time, yet trying to control and perfect this short period together often backfires. It becomes an unrealistic standard.
This pressure can lead to the belief that every moment must be meticulously planned, filled with exciting activities, and without any mundane or “boring” elements.
This creation of unrealistic expectations can impact authentic connection and increase stress levels, which ultimately negatively impact the relationship, making it a true connection killer (Kelmer, Rhoades, Stanley & Markman, 2013).
Why and How Snippet:
The pressure to create an exceptional experience during limited reunions comes from the fear of ‘wasting’ precious time on routine activities.
Partners often believe that “boring” moments are not good enough, leading to seriously unrealistic standards. This pressure can backfire, creating forced interactions and very curated interactions void of any spontaneity.
The ‘why’ is rooted in the desire to make the most of limited time, and the ‘how’ involves finding a balance between planned activities and spontaneous, genuine connections.
Case Study – Emily and Jake:
Final Thoughts
As we have seen, long-distance relationships are a unique journey that demands resilience, understanding, and a commitment to growth. Reflecting on all the points raised, it becomes clear that success in long-distance love is not just an outcome but a journey of continuous effort.
It is important to keep the relationship interesting withnew activities to deepen your connection.
By embracing the power of small gestures, fostering personal growth, and weaving shared goals, couples can transform the challenges of physical separation into opportunities for deeper emotional intimacy.
When navigating the ever-evolving landscape of modern relationships, these insights can serve as guidance, working towards more meaningful romantic connections.
Long-distance love, when approached with intentionality and a growth mindset, not only survives but thrives, leaving couples with a love story that transcends the miles, making every reunion a cherished chapter.
References
Blair, K. L. (2015).Relationships: The long and the short of it.Macmillan International Higher Education.
Chapman, G. (2015).The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts. Northfield Publishing.
Gottman, J. M. (2011).The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. W. W. Norton & Company.
Johnson, S. M. (2008).Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.
Kelmer, G., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Relationship quality, commitment, and stability in long‐distance relationships.Family process,52(2), 257-270.
Orbuch, T. L. (2003). 5 simple steps to take your marriage from good to great. Delacorte Press.
Perel, E. (2017).The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. Harper.
Wile, D. B. (1993).After the fight: Using your disagreements to build a stronger relationship. Guilford Press.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Ioanna StavrakiCommunity Wellbeing Professional, EducatorBSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc, Neuropsychology, MBPsSIoanna Stavraki is a healthcare professional leading NHS Berkshire’s Wellbeing Network Team and serving as a Teaching Assistant at The University of Malawi for the “Organisation Psychology” MSc course. With previous experience at Frontiers' “Computational Neuroscience” journal and startup “Advances in Clinical Medical Research,” she contributes significantly to neuroscience and psychology research. Early career experience with Alzheimer’s patients and published works, including an upcoming IET book chapter, underscore her dedication to advancing healthcare and neuroscience understanding.
Ioanna StavrakiCommunity Wellbeing Professional, EducatorBSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc, Neuropsychology, MBPsS
Ioanna Stavraki
Community Wellbeing Professional, Educator
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc, Neuropsychology, MBPsS
Ioanna Stavraki is a healthcare professional leading NHS Berkshire’s Wellbeing Network Team and serving as a Teaching Assistant at The University of Malawi for the “Organisation Psychology” MSc course. With previous experience at Frontiers' “Computational Neuroscience” journal and startup “Advances in Clinical Medical Research,” she contributes significantly to neuroscience and psychology research. Early career experience with Alzheimer’s patients and published works, including an upcoming IET book chapter, underscore her dedication to advancing healthcare and neuroscience understanding.
