What It's Like to Absorb the Mental Anguish of Others Daily

Working as apsychotherapistmeans living a life of sacred privilege. Those who are hurting, have survived unthinkabletrauma, and may even be considering ending their lives turn to us with trust and a belief that we can help. When we do our job within the scope of ourlegal and ethical boundaries, we have the gift of seeing lives change.

However, when we step outside of our scope of competency—for example, if we try to treat issues or conditions we have no experience in—we can cause more harm than good. We are reminded of this constantly while we undertake our studies, which include multiple years of post-undergrad schooling and thousands of hours receiving clinical supervision in our workplace.

One thing I didn’t hear as much during my training? The intensity of what it is like to be completely present with those experiencing immense emotional pain.

In addition, being younger with less mental health work experience under my belt already placed me at a higher risk ofburnoutandemotional fatigue.

During my graduate program and early years of post-graduate practice, I worked in a trauma recovery center for survivors ofdomestic violenceandsexual assault. This experience will forever be one of my most humbling and formative journeys. In that setting, I was reminded of the fighting spirit within each of us, the intense hunger to move from surviving to thriving, and the heartbreaking pitfalls of our court system. In this experience, I also learned what it is like to absorb the mental anguish of others.

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An Intuitive Gift

As a child, I was innately attuned to the emotions of others. For example, I could sense if a teacher was frustrated or a classmate was experiencing trouble at home. In my own home, I was exposed to others' raw emotions daily. Though I now wince when considering the weight this places on a child, I am able to acknowledge how thisheightened sensitivityhas also been a gift.

In my work at the trauma recovery center, I would answer calls to the center’s crisishotline. This experience was intimate and challenging. I sometimes had less than one minute to counsel an individual through a dangerous situation, rattling off the address of a safe house as fast as I could. It wouldn’t be uncommon for my heart rate to quicken or my palms to get sweaty as I supported folksfleeing unsafe situations.

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The Healer’s Dilemma

Carl Jungonce referred to those in helping fields as “wounded healers,” accurately stating that many who enter vocations to help others are motivated to do so due to past adverse experiences.

According to Jung, when a clinician’s past pain points have been worked through, they can offer a deeper level of empathy to their patients.While this may not be the case for everyone, it certainly rings true for me. Being exposed toaddiction issuesin my family system and losing a parent as a young adult all led me to my pursuit of therapy.

What It’s Like to Absorb the Mental Anguish of Others Daily

Absorbing the Energy of Others

A certain alchemy happens within the clinical relationship:transferenceandcountertransference.

Transference

Transference refers to how clients might feel about me as their therapist.I may remind them of someone they love or greatly dislike, which can inform how they respond to our work together—they might start interacting with me as though I am this other person from their life, and that way we can explore that relationship and how it is affecting them both in therapy and out.

Part of my job is to support the client in naming their transference and allowing them to examine what being in a therapeutic relationship with me means to them.

Often, this can lead to breakthroughs around past rejection they’ve felt or realizing their critical needs in a relationship.

Countertransference

Countertransference refers to how I feel about the client.It works the same way as a client’s transference—they might remind me of someone in my life, or bring up issues with my relationships with others who are not my client.

The personal management of countertransference is one of a therapist’s most important duties. Without checking my biases, absorption of the client’s emotions, or even identification with a client, I can lose my position as an objective party present to help a client learn about their mind.

This is the delicate dance of being an effective psychotherapist: holding unconditionalcompassionwithout taking on the suffering of others.

When I begin to allow myself to have porous boundaries and absorb the pain of others, it is easy to believe that I must fix and completely eradicate the pain. Yet, doing so robs the patient of the dignity of their own experience.

I am but an empathic guide who has tools to help heal trauma and support others in making meaning out of difficulties, but I am no one’s savior.

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Heeding the Red Flags

My body always alerts me to this discrepancy first. I will feel an ache in the space where my neck connects to my shoulder, symbolically representing the emotional weight I feel on my shoulders, and my physical exhaustion begins to peak. When my body raises the red flag, I must assess where I am soaking up the pain of others.

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Clearing What Isn’t Mine

My ongoing goal is to clear the emotional discharge I am carrying from others, tend to myself-care, and avoid reaching a place where I feel emotional fatigue in my body. I am continually growing my ability to do so and am proud to say these instances of exhaustion are now few and far between. This is due to a strong practice I’ve learned from trial and error, plus some insight from my trusted mentors.

Due to my life experiences, I have long maintained a belief that there is always a path to hope. This belief stands as my north star in every session I facilitate.

When I end my day, I make a point to leave the work at the office. I don’t schedule after-hours calls unless it is an immediate crisis, I don’t check my emails, and I don’t touch my work phone over the weekend.

Doing so allows me to step out of my role as a psychotherapist and enjoy my life outside of my clinical responsibilities. Communicating these boundaries to my clients also models that it is OK to haveboundaries in relationships.

After work, I come home and immediately shower. This is my quite literal way of washing the day away. My ongoing self-care ritual requires regular therapy sessions to ensure I am keeping my own continuous personal healing process out of the way of my clients,never skipping mealsno matter how busy I am, and scheduling lighthearted activities weekly.

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Practicing What I Preach

Feeling wounds that aren’t yours impacts everyone, not just therapists and those in helping professions. Some may be navigating adysfunctional homeand are constantly around those suffering. Others may be in a relationship with someonegrieving the loss of a loved one. You may work in anenvironment where many around you are burnt out. If my story resonates with you, consider how you can adopt some self-care andburnout prevention strategies.

Should you feel guilty about setting boundaries and limiting your emotional availability to others, I invite you to consider the purpose of boundary setting. We set boundaries with who and what we wish to keep in our life at a sustainable place. We end relationships with who and what we feel are no longer sustainable sources in our lives.

Through tending to our well-being, we afford ourselves the opportunity to show up for others, and there is nothing more radical than that. As Audre Lorde said, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it isself-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.“We need each other, but we offer nothing if we don’t nourish ourselves first.

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Simionato GK, Simpson S.Personal risk factors associated with burnout among psychotherapists: A systematic review of the literature.J Clin Psychol.2018;74(9):1431-1456. doi:10.1002/jclp.22615Straussner SLA, Senreich E, Steen JT.Wounded healers: a multistate study of licensed social workers’ behavioral health problems.Soc Work.2018;63(2):125-133. doi: 10.1093/sw/swy012Nissen-Lie HA, Dahl HSJ, Høglend PA.Patient factors predict therapists’ emotional countertransference differently depending on whether therapists use transference work in psychodynamic therapy.Psychother Res. 2022;32(1):3-15. doi:10.1080/10503307.2020.1762947American Psychological Association. (n.d.).Psychology’s diversity problem. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/10/feature-diversity-problem#:~:text=Roughly%2060%25%20of%20Americans%20describe,Center%20for%20Workforce%20Studies%20data.Lorde, A.A Burst of Light: Essays. Ithaca, N.Y. :Firebrand Books, 1988

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Simionato GK, Simpson S.Personal risk factors associated with burnout among psychotherapists: A systematic review of the literature.J Clin Psychol.2018;74(9):1431-1456. doi:10.1002/jclp.22615Straussner SLA, Senreich E, Steen JT.Wounded healers: a multistate study of licensed social workers’ behavioral health problems.Soc Work.2018;63(2):125-133. doi: 10.1093/sw/swy012Nissen-Lie HA, Dahl HSJ, Høglend PA.Patient factors predict therapists’ emotional countertransference differently depending on whether therapists use transference work in psychodynamic therapy.Psychother Res. 2022;32(1):3-15. doi:10.1080/10503307.2020.1762947American Psychological Association. (n.d.).Psychology’s diversity problem. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/10/feature-diversity-problem#:~:text=Roughly%2060%25%20of%20Americans%20describe,Center%20for%20Workforce%20Studies%20data.Lorde, A.A Burst of Light: Essays. Ithaca, N.Y. :Firebrand Books, 1988

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Simionato GK, Simpson S.Personal risk factors associated with burnout among psychotherapists: A systematic review of the literature.J Clin Psychol.2018;74(9):1431-1456. doi:10.1002/jclp.22615Straussner SLA, Senreich E, Steen JT.Wounded healers: a multistate study of licensed social workers’ behavioral health problems.Soc Work.2018;63(2):125-133. doi: 10.1093/sw/swy012Nissen-Lie HA, Dahl HSJ, Høglend PA.Patient factors predict therapists’ emotional countertransference differently depending on whether therapists use transference work in psychodynamic therapy.Psychother Res. 2022;32(1):3-15. doi:10.1080/10503307.2020.1762947American Psychological Association. (n.d.).Psychology’s diversity problem. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/10/feature-diversity-problem#:~:text=Roughly%2060%25%20of%20Americans%20describe,Center%20for%20Workforce%20Studies%20data.Lorde, A.A Burst of Light: Essays. Ithaca, N.Y. :Firebrand Books, 1988

Simionato GK, Simpson S.Personal risk factors associated with burnout among psychotherapists: A systematic review of the literature.J Clin Psychol.2018;74(9):1431-1456. doi:10.1002/jclp.22615

Straussner SLA, Senreich E, Steen JT.Wounded healers: a multistate study of licensed social workers’ behavioral health problems.Soc Work.2018;63(2):125-133. doi: 10.1093/sw/swy012

Nissen-Lie HA, Dahl HSJ, Høglend PA.Patient factors predict therapists’ emotional countertransference differently depending on whether therapists use transference work in psychodynamic therapy.Psychother Res. 2022;32(1):3-15. doi:10.1080/10503307.2020.1762947

American Psychological Association. (n.d.).Psychology’s diversity problem. Monitor on Psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/10/feature-diversity-problem#:~:text=Roughly%2060%25%20of%20Americans%20describe,Center%20for%20Workforce%20Studies%20data.

Lorde, A.A Burst of Light: Essays. Ithaca, N.Y. :Firebrand Books, 1988

Hannah Owens, LMSW

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