Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhy Am I So Defensive?Signs You Are DefensiveCausesTypesImpact of DefensivenessHow to Be Less DefensiveHow Do I Defend Myself Without Being Defensive?How to Stop Making Others DefensiveHow to Respond to a Defensive Person
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Why Am I So Defensive?
Signs You Are Defensive
Causes
Types
Impact of Defensiveness
How to Be Less Defensive
How Do I Defend Myself Without Being Defensive?
How to Stop Making Others Defensive
How to Respond to a Defensive Person
Close
Defensiveness is a maladaptive defense mechanism in response to someone giving you feedback that you perceive as critical. There is an overwhelming urge to protect yourself when you feel hurt, shame, sadness, or anger. Instead of being open to self-reflection and healthy dialogue, you may snap back, be sarcastic, give someone the silent treatment, or be critical in return.
Understanding Rejection Sensitivity and How It Can Affect You
The objective (whether you realize it or not) is to avoid facing anything that feels like an attack on your intelligence, character, lifestyle, or decisions. You may expressly deny the feedback you are receiving, impulsively justify your decisions, or make excuses for your behavior. You may also shift attention to the faults of the other person, with some ‘what about-isms,’ so that in turn you feel better about yourself in the moment.
While defensive behaviors might help you to feel better in the short term, in the long term they generally result in your relationships suffering and you feeling worse.
As you point out the flaws in the other person to avoid feeling attacked, you end up making the other person defensive as well. This results in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that neither of you saw coming (or probably even understand).
Are you unsure whether you have been engaging in defensive behavior? Defensiveness can be hard to recognize when it is coming from within. Let’s take a look at some of the common signs that you might be acting in a defensive way.
When you feel criticized, do you engage in any of the following behaviors? Read through the list and see if any resonate with you:
Causes of Defensiveness
If you have started to recognize defensiveness in yourself, you might be wondering why it started, what caused it, and what might be underlying it.
Defensiveness may be rooted in both nature and nurture:
Temperament:Everyone is born with a temperamentthat is derived from our genetics, and in the first few months of life, you will reveal how sensitive, reserved, outgoing, cautious, fearful, impulsive, reactive, energetic, or adaptable you are.
For example, you may be more difficult to soothe and need more comfort than other infants. You may be sensitive to vocal tones and facial expressions, and you may experience more negative emotions in general.
A learned behavior. Defensiveness can also be something that you learn fromobserving a parent, mentor, or peers, as a way of relating to others. This type of maladaptive response can also be learned from personal experience as well.
Social context.Keep in mind that defensiveness is a way of relating to the world that is usually rooted in life experiences or social context. Below are some of the typical psychosocial causes or origins of being defensive:
In general, being defensive is usually the result of biological and psychosocial causes.
Types of Defensiveness
Now that you know about the signs of being defensive, you might also be wondering if there are different types of defensiveness.
In fact, there are a number of different styles of being defensive.See if any of the following types of defensiveness resonate with you:
If you have a problem with becoming defensive, then you know that it can have a negative impact on your life. Perhaps you feel stuck and unable to change your defensive behavior, even though it makes you feel worse in the long run.
Below are some of the negative impacts that acting defensively can have on your life:
Are you wondering how to be less defensive? There are a number of strategies and coping techniques that you can employ to help you feel less defensive, which will result in you behaving in a less defensive way. Below are some ideas to get you started on a path toward being less defensive.
Become Aware of Your Defensiveness
The first step to stopping your defensive behavior is to actually become aware of when it is happening. It’s easy to avoid confronting your behavior or acknowledging that you are behaving in a defensive manner.
Instead, try to pay attention in the moment to how you are feeling and how you react to others. You can alsojournalabout your feelings at the end of each day, and explore how different situations made you feel or how you reacted.
It is important to consider the emotions that are underlying your reactions. It’s possible that you don’t recognize that you are in fact hurt, angry, sad, ashamed, orfeeling belittledwhen you react defensively.
Validate Your Feelings
Once you have started to notice when you become defensive, it’s important to startvalidating your feelingswhen you are criticized. The simple act of acknowledging that you feel hurt, worried, ashamed, fearful, or insecure can help to defuse the situation.
Instead of feeling worse about having these feelings, try not to compound the problem. Instead, acknowledge the feelings so that you do not become hyper focused on them.
Avoid Acting on Your Feelings
As you validate your feelings of being hurt or feeling ashamed, and show compassion toward yourself for how you are feeling, you can also acknowledge the fact that you don’t need to act upon the impulse to react defensively.
While it might make sense that you feel defensive, that doesn’t mean that you necessarily have to take action. Instead, you can show yourself compassion for how you are feeling, and recognize that everyone feels this way from time to time.
Choose to Align Yourself with Your Values
Is acting defensively lining up with how you want to be as a person? If not, it’s time to get clear on how you want to behave. When you feel as though you are becoming defensive, how would the best version of yourself handle the situation? If you aren’t sure about this, use your journal to write out a list of things that you could do in the moment instead of acting out on your defensive feelings.
Anticipate When You Are Likely to Become Defensive
Do you have a good idea of when you are most likely to become defensive? Perhaps it’s around a certain person or in a certain situation. The best thing that you can do is to make a list of the situations that are more likely to cause you to become defensive.
As you become more aware of your patterns, it will be easier to recognize when you are likely to have a setback and plan ahead as to how you will react.
Boost Your Self Esteem
If there are specific issues or areas of your life about which you are more likely to become defensive, then it may be helpful to do things that make you feel more confident or boost your self esteem.
For example, if you feel badly when someone brings up your physical health, you might feel more confident if you already know that you are doing everything possible to be the healthiest version of yourself.
Take Responsibility
Instead of immediately reacting to your feelings of being hurt or feeling criticized, you could try taking responsibility for whatever part you might be responsible for in the situation.
Acknowledging that you play some role in the problem will help to defuse the situation and allow you to work together with the other person to solve the issue.
Improve Your Communication Skills
Another way to manage defensiveness is to improve your communication skills. If you know a particular topic always makes you feel hurt or angry, it’s acceptable to tell the other person that you don’t want to discuss it unless the goal is finding a solution.
Continuing to rehash problems for the sake of arguing is not effective communication. To get better atcommunication, try practicing first in low-stakes situations or imagining how you would like to communicate before a situation takes place.
Imagine yourself staying calm and collected while you discuss a problem, instead of reacting defensively.
See a Therapist
If you are struggling with defensiveness and can’t seem to get control of it on your own, you may wish to invest intherapy or counselingto work on the issue. This could be particularly helpful if you are experiencing defensiveness in your relationship.
In fact, you could even attend couples counseling to work on your communication as a couple.
Defending yourself and being defensive are two different sides of the same coin. When someone is being hurtful toward you, you should set healthy boundaries, and yes, defend yourself. The difference lies in whether your reaction is adaptive or maladaptive.
Being open to feedback is important for our ability to grow as a person and to have healthy relationships. Instead of having a knee-jerk defensive reaction, you can have an open-minded conversation, acknowledge areas you could improve upon, and apologize if needed.
If the feedback you receive is untrue, mean-spirited, or abusive in nature, you should communicate how it made you feel, and request they find a different way of communicating future complaints.
Below are some ways you can defend yourself in a healthy way:
How to Stop Making Other People Defensive
We’ve talked a lot about what to do if you are defensive and how to be less defensive. On the other hand, you may wish to know how to stop making other people react in a defensive way.
If you are finding that other people around you are reacting in a defensive manner, it could be that your behavior is triggering these defensive reactions. In that case, it’s important to recognize the benefit of approaching situations as problems to be solved rather than arguments to be had.
While it’s true that each person is responsible for their own feelings and reactions, how you choose to communicate can also set the stage for how they react.
Being able to offer empathy and respect to those around you will also go a long way to avoiding the trap of reciprocal defensiveness. Let’s take a look at some ways to prevent defensive behavior in those around you.
Make Requests, Don’t Criticize
In one case, it sounds like you just want to complain. In the other case, there is a clear goal to your communication and an easy way for the other person to comply. If you want to further reduce the risk of the other person being defensive, add something to the end of your request such as, “It would be a great help to me,” or “I would really appreciate the help.”
Stop Trying to Control the Other Person
If you are trying to control the other person, this is likely to lead to a defensive reaction. Remember that you are responsible for your own behavior and your own reactions; the other person does not need to behave in a certain way to make you feel better.
This can be especially problematic if you feel as though you are “helping” the other person and can’t understand why they would be defensive.
Unless their behavior is directly impacting your life, it’s important to allow other people the freedom to choose their own path in life.
Acknowledge Your Own Failings
If you are not willing to admit that you may be wrong, and you act as though you are superior in your communication, then this may elicit defensive communication from the people around you.
Above all else, it is important to be aware of and acknowledge your own failings. This not only makes you seem more affable and humble, but it removes the defenses of the other person who feels like they are being attacked for their own problems.
Acknowledging that everyone has problems is the surest route to better communication.
Avoid Being Judgmental
Instead of being judgmental, instead describe what it is that you want to discuss in a neutral manner.
For example, if your neighbor is playing loud music, ask for the music to be turned down instead of offering judgment about what the neighbor is doing. Direct communication will always be received better than judgmental attitude.
Express Concern and Empathy
Showing empathy and concern toward someone who is responding in a defensive manner is better than being defensive yourself. As you’ve learned, being defensive is a result of feeling ashamed, hurt, guilty, attacked, etc.
If a person is feeling this way, responding with further criticism is likely to end only in stonewalling or an argument. Instead, showempathyand concern for the situation that the other person is experiencing. There’s a reason why they call it “disarming” someone with your charm.
Be a Problem Solver
Rather than approach situations in a combative stance, view yourself and the other person as taking an investigative approach. Consider and weigh all viewpoints and try to reach a resolution to the problem together.
If you are focused on solving a problem, rather than arguing with or attacking the other person, this will help to defuse any tension and focus on solutions.
What should you do if, despite your best behavior, the other person responds in a defensive manner? Below are some tips on how to cope and defuse this situation when you are faced with a defensive person.
Closing Words From Verywell
Don’t hesitate to speak to a therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional. This could mean the difference for you in terms of healing from past hurts, improving your communication skills, and managing your defensive reactions.
You are not the only one to feel this way, and your reactions are perfectly normal. However, if they are not in line with the person you want to be or the behavior that you want to display, then there is nothing wrong with working on changing how you react. You and everyone around you will benefit as a result of taking this action.
How to Stop Being Defensive
3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Davey L.Are you being defensive?Woodfellow D.Why Do People Get So Defensive?Wignall N.Defensiveness: How it works and what to do about it.
3 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Davey L.Are you being defensive?Woodfellow D.Why Do People Get So Defensive?Wignall N.Defensiveness: How it works and what to do about it.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Davey L.Are you being defensive?Woodfellow D.Why Do People Get So Defensive?Wignall N.Defensiveness: How it works and what to do about it.
Davey L.Are you being defensive?
Woodfellow D.Why Do People Get So Defensive?
Wignall N.Defensiveness: How it works and what to do about it.
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