What Is Considered Cheating, Exactly?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsSo What’s Considered Cheating These Days?How to Determine What You’re Comfortable WithTalking Boundaries with Your PartnerStaying True to Your Principles

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

So What’s Considered Cheating These Days?

How to Determine What You’re Comfortable With

Talking Boundaries with Your Partner

Staying True to Your Principles

Let’s set the scene: you’re having a great day with your partner, and thenithappens. You catch them secretlywatching porn, find out they’re keeping in touch with an ex, or discover a dating app on their phone. Suddenly, the good mood drops and your stomach’s in knots as you both fight for your point of view. The night ends in painful disconnection.

Most couples don’t talk openly about fidelity or faithfulness because it’s uncomfortable. It can be awkward and scary! We don’t want to bring up negative, loaded topics because there can be a lot to unpack. On top of that, there’s also an unspoken assumption that our partner should just know what we’re OK with, and that we view loyalty the same way. But when we avoid these conversations, misunderstandings happen. That’s where things can quickly go south.

Relationships come in different types of configurations (monogamy,monogamish,swinging,polyamory,ethical non-monogamy,open), which makes definingcheatinga unique challenge. Ultimately, infidelity exists on a spectrum. To know where we stand, we have to openly share our needs so we don’t cross any lines. So, let’s break down what counts as cheating—plus how to tackle this tricky but crucial conversation.

We generally think of the most common definition of cheating as having sex with someone who isn’t your partner. But the truth is, there’s no universal rule about what counts as cheating. Cheating comes down to what you and your partner decide is off-limitstogether. This could range from flirting to having sex, and even the degrees of that may differ.

Let’s takeflirtingas an example. For one couple, cheating might mean having deep, late-night conversations with someone you find attractive; for another, it could be intimate dancing with people at a festival to receive some type of sexual interest or validation. Some might not see either of those instances as a big deal. Complicated!

As a relationship coach, I always encourage my clients to have conversations aboutboundariesas soon as they can. What qualifies as cheating will resonate for different people, and what you individually and collectively determine is a breach of trust.

If you’re wondering if your behaviors could violate your partner’s trust, here’s a simple framework. If you’re hiding your behaviors, downplaying the details, or wouldn’t want them to see it, you’ve probably crossed the line.

Help! I’m in a Relationship But I Have a Crush on Someone Else

Before you talk to your partner, it’s important first to define where you stand so you don’t compromise on your important values. Here are a few exercises to walk through:

Once you know where you stand on these, it’s easier to have an honest conversation and ensure your relationship is built on what matters most to both of you.

How to Recognize and Cope With Micro Cheating, According to a Therapist

Now here comes the next part–actually having the conversation and saying the quiet part out loud. Despite how awkward it might feel, this is a beautiful moment to tap into the imaginative part of your bond to collaborate on your relationship’s foundation.

The right time to bring up this conversation is when you’re developing real feelings, thinking aboutexclusivity, or figuring out what kind of relationship you both want to enter into. As you’re having the"What are we?" talk, it’s the perfect moment to dive into what loyalty looks like.

Honoringyour needsand non-negotiables isn’t always easy in relationships. When you love someone, it’s tempting to compromise and neglect your authentic needs to prioritize your partner. But when you let go of your core values, you let go of who you are too. Relationships are ever-evolving, and staying true to your principles helps you stay anchored to yourself, and find deeper intimacy with your partner.

A 2023 study shows that cheating hits hard in relationships. Research across 160 cultures found infidelity is the number one reason relationships end, and betrayal trauma can take a massive toll on both people’s emotional and mental well-being.

No matter how beautifully you design the relationship, perfection doesn’t exist. If one of you has crossed the line, deciding whether to break up or not is nuanced. Is the love there and can trust be rebuilt? What led to the infidelity, and can that be meaningfully addressed? Sometimes, infidelity can be a portal to explore and repair deeper issues–ifboth partners are willing. Other times, cheating shines a light on deeper discontent and incompatibilitythat can’t be ignored.

Keep in Mind

When the boundaries are crystal clear, staying in the safe zone and honoring your relationship’s agreements becomes easier. If not, things become a confusing, gray area that will inevitably end in hurt feelings and sometimes, irreparable repair.

1 SourceVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rokach A, Chan SH.Love and infidelity: causes and consequences.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2023;20(5):3904.

1 Source

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Rokach A, Chan SH.Love and infidelity: causes and consequences.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2023;20(5):3904.

Rokach A, Chan SH.Love and infidelity: causes and consequences.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2023;20(5):3904.

Meet Our Review Board

Share Feedback

Was this page helpful?Thanks for your feedback!What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

Was this page helpful?

Thanks for your feedback!

What is your feedback?HelpfulReport an ErrorOtherSubmit

What is your feedback?

Keep in Mind#

Keep in Mind