What Is Closure in a Relationship?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of Contents5 Signs You Haven’t Found ClosureYou Can’t Stop Thinking About the RelationshipYou Can’t Understand What HappenedYou Keep Reopening the WoundYou Question Your WorthYou Hold Onto Anger or ResentmentHow to Find Closure

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

5 Signs You Haven’t Found Closure

You Can’t Stop Thinking About the Relationship

You Can’t Understand What Happened

You Keep Reopening the Wound

You Question Your Worth

You Hold Onto Anger or Resentment

How to Find Closure

What Is Closure?Closure refers to the sense of peace, understanding, and release that comes with accepting that a relationship has ended.

What Is Closure?

Closure refers to the sense of peace, understanding, and release that comes with accepting that a relationship has ended.

Everyone experiencesrelationship losses, and some endings are more complex, painful, or confusing than others.

“Closure looks different for everyone, but at its core, it’s a sense of completion and release from the entanglement of the relationship,” explains mental health therapistMyree Morsi. Essentially, closure provides the ability to move forward.

If you recognize any of the following signs, you might not have found healthy closure just yet. The tips that follow might help.

How Important Is It to Find Closure?

Closure can be tricky to achieve. Sometimes, we struggle towholly let go, and the natural ending of the relationship drags on for months or even years. Sometimes, an ending isso abruptthat we struggle to make sense of events or accept that the relationship is over.

In other cases, we harbor intense feelings of guilt, shame, confusion, or grief that are difficult to work through. And sometimes, it can feel like the other person prevents us from getting the closure we feel we deserve.

Here are a few signs that you might not have found closure in your relationship just yet.

Ruminating and obsessing over the person and what happened are clear signs that you have not yet found closure. Morsi says, “You’re still feeling entangled energetically, mentally or emotionally with them.”

Having intrusive thoughts about your ex, being unable to sleep or complete daily tasks because you’re thinking about them, habitually checking their social media, or having internal conversations with or “at” them can indicate a lack of closure.

Understanding why the relationship ended the way it did brings peace. If you struggle to make sense of how things ended, you might feel like the book hasn’t yet been closed.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, a study that examined young adults' behavior after ending a romantic relationship found that, when participants had a greater understanding of why the breakup occurred, they experienced less inner turmoil and felt better about the relationship in general.

Reaching out to the other person after a relationship has ended can prolong your pain. It essentially prevents the emotional door from shutting fully. You might feel a strong desire to reach out to the other person orrevisit the relationshipbecause you want answers.

Interestingly, a 2015 study concluded that, when people accepted a friend request from their exes on social media, they experienced more anxiety and depression compared to those who didn’t accept the request.

“When a closerelationship ends, it is natural to experience grief and sadness. This is universal and a part of everyone’s life experience,” saysDr. Todd Gaffaney, a clinical psychologist and professor. “However, a breakdown in the framework of closure may interfere with the grieving process.”

For example, your ex-partner’s criticism (e.g., “You’re too demanding”) or your own negative internal dialogue (e.g., “I am unlovable”) might make you feel shameful, unloved, and inferior.

What’s more, these negative beliefs and feelings may extend the grieving process and be carried over as heavyemotional baggagefrom one relationship to another.

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If things ended poorly or abruptly, you might harbor deep anger, frustration, or resentment, says Morsi. These feelings can morph into sadness or grief.

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Here are a few tactics to recover, let go, and move forward.

Accept You Might Not Get All the Answers

If the other person is unable or unwilling to answer questions outright, you must create closure within yourself rather than externally.

“It’s a radical act for many of us to let a relationship go, especially when we have to do it without the other person doing the same,” says Morsi. “It’s important to stop trying to get them to ‘give’ this to you. This alone will then free you immediately—and it’s very empowering.”

Consider the Larger Picture

Trying to understand your ex’s feelings and circumstances can help you process why the relationship ended the way it did.

“This means practicing empathy for what our partner is stressed about and viewing them in a larger context," Dr. Gaffaney says.

Todd Gaffaney, Psy.DIf you plant a healthy seed in toxic soil, it will not grow as tall and strong as you might hope. This metaphor applies to self- and partner-forgiveness as well,

Todd Gaffaney, Psy.D

If you plant a healthy seed in toxic soil, it will not grow as tall and strong as you might hope. This metaphor applies to self- and partner-forgiveness as well,

Do Some Forgiveness Work

Holding onto intense emotions prevents you from stepping forward and causes anguish. Forgiving yourself and the other person can be difficult, but it’s one of the first steps in finding the peace of closure.

Rely on Other Resources

Although there’s power in navigating things on your own, leaning on others for help is a sign of strength. Reach out to trusted friends and family members, and work with a therapist who can help you find closure.

A Word From Verywell Mind

Closure is complicated and non-linear. There’s no marked path to lead you to the finish line, and you’ll hit some bumps along the way. However, doing the work untangles you from past relationships and allows you to explore—and more authentically enjoy—new ones.

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2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kansky J, Allen JP.Making sense and moving on: the potential for individual and interpersonal growth following emerging adult breakups. Emerg Adulthood. 2018;6(3):172-190. doi:10.1177%2F2167696817711766Tsai, C.-W., Shen, P.-D., & Chiang, Y.-C. (2015).Meeting ex-partners on Facebook: users’ anxiety and severity of depression. Behaviour & Information Technology, 34, 668–677. doi:10.1080/0144929X.2014.981585

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kansky J, Allen JP.Making sense and moving on: the potential for individual and interpersonal growth following emerging adult breakups. Emerg Adulthood. 2018;6(3):172-190. doi:10.1177%2F2167696817711766Tsai, C.-W., Shen, P.-D., & Chiang, Y.-C. (2015).Meeting ex-partners on Facebook: users’ anxiety and severity of depression. Behaviour & Information Technology, 34, 668–677. doi:10.1080/0144929X.2014.981585

Kansky J, Allen JP.Making sense and moving on: the potential for individual and interpersonal growth following emerging adult breakups. Emerg Adulthood. 2018;6(3):172-190. doi:10.1177%2F2167696817711766Tsai, C.-W., Shen, P.-D., & Chiang, Y.-C. (2015).Meeting ex-partners on Facebook: users’ anxiety and severity of depression. Behaviour & Information Technology, 34, 668–677. doi:10.1080/0144929X.2014.981585

Tsai, C.-W., Shen, P.-D., & Chiang, Y.-C. (2015).Meeting ex-partners on Facebook: users’ anxiety and severity of depression. Behaviour & Information Technology, 34, 668–677. doi:10.1080/0144929X.2014.981585

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What Is Closure?#

Accept You Might Not Get All the Answers#

Consider the Larger Picture#

Todd Gaffaney, Psy.D#

Do Some Forgiveness Work#

Rely on Other Resources#

A Word From Verywell Mind#