Only recently did I find out that there is a term to describe the type of attraction I’ve always experienced with my husband. It turns out that I am sapiosexual – i.e., I’m attracted to someone based primarily on their intellectual prowess. Who knew?
The Definition of “Sapiosexual”
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Strengthen your relationship through couples therapy you can participate in together or apart, at your convenience.
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“I don’t care too much about the plumbing,” Stalder wrote in aLiveJournal postfrom 2002. “I want an incisive, inquisitive, insightful, irreverent mind. I want someone for whom philosophical discussion is foreplay.”
Defining Sapiosexuality for Myself
The origins of my own sapiosexuality began over 26 years ago. My husband and I met when we were both teens (yes, really!). But I met him on the page before I met him in the flesh. He had published a poem in the local library newsletter about the author J.D. Salinger. An aspiring poet myself and amajorfan of Salinger, I thought the poem was stellar, and I began scanning the halls of our high school to figure out who this cool kid was.
Once I found him, whistling in the hallway, lost in thought, I was hooked. Yes, we were teens at the time, but soon enough we became joined at hip, reading poetry and novels to one each other, acting in plays together, philosophizing…andfalling hopelessly in love.
Now, we’ve been married for 17 years, and although kids and jobs and mortgages make up a whole lot of our conversations these days, we are still drawn to each other based on our love of literature, thinking, and learning. Physical and sexual attraction are certainly part of the mix, but I have always been drawn to my husband’s mind, first and foremost.
5 Signs You Are Sapiosexual
OK, so let’s get down to business. How might you know that your sexuality falls into the “sapiosexual” category. The way we each value intellectuality can vary, but here are some signs that might clue you in.
The Controversy Around Sapiosexuality
In 2015,Daily Beastwriter Samantha Allen wrotea pieceblasting the term “sapiosexual” as pretentious, illegitimate, contrived, and classist. Additionally, she points out that it’s a slap in the face to people who are neurodivergent, or who have disabilities.
Will I start using the term sapiosexual to describe myself? I’m not sure if I will go around declaring myself a sapiosexual. But I do like the concept. It’s something I have always thought in a vague way about myself, but never realized it was a “thing” or that others might characterize themselves similarly.
To me, sapiosexuality isn’t a static or binding term, but more of a way fun to explore what colors your impulses, attractions, and sexuality — and you can never have too much of that, can you?
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