What If I Regret Having Kids?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsPrevalenceReasonsDecidingNext StepsCoping

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Prevalence

Reasons

Deciding

Next Steps

Coping

When planning to have kids, it’s natural to have concerns. We may wonder if we will make a good parent, whether we will be able to financially support a family, and how we willbalance work and parenting. We may also be asking ourselves the question: “What if I regret having kids?”

This is a common concern,but one that is rarely talked about. Here we take a look at why people may ask this question and what typically causes these concerns. We also discuss how to decide whether having kids is right for us and what to do if we end up feeling regret after becoming a parent.

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How Common Is It to Regret Having Kids?

The idea that a parent might regret having kids is a concept that, for many, iscloaked in shame.Parents aren’t supposed to feel that way, right? While a majority of parents don’t usually feel this way—or don’t feel this way for enduring periods of time—it’s not a totally uncommon phenomenon.

The data is limited on exactly how many parents feel regret about having kids, likely because it’s not a subject many feel comfortable talking about. According to a 2021 study published inPLOS ONE—which looked at data from the U.S. and Europe—between 8% and 17% of parents regret having children.

The study researchers further noted that parents in Poland reported higher levels of regret than parents in the U.S.

The data from this study regarding American parents came from a 2013 Gallup poll. In that poll, parents over the age of 45 were asked: If they could do it all over again, how many kids would they have? About 7% said that they would have had zero kids, indicating that they may have regrets about having children.

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Why Parents May Regret Having Kids

The reasons why parents regret having kids can vary widely from one parent to another and are complicated. As thePLOS ONEstudy points out, one major factor is wrapped up in the pressure that many parents—particularly women—feel to have children.

Women are expected to want to become mothers, and many simply don’t feel that they have a choice in the matter—even if they suspect that having kids isn’t right for them. Having kids when the person doesn’t really want to can lead to intense feelings of regret. It can also impact their identity.

Other factors that may be at play when it comes to a parent regretting having a child include:A personal history ofadverse childhood experiencesA history of mental health challengesA history of physical health issuesFinancial or marital problemsHaving achild with special needs

Other factors that may be at play when it comes to a parent regretting having a child include:

A study published in theJournal of Family Issuesexamined Reddit posts to try to understand why parents sometimes regret having children. The majority of parents didn’t regret having children exactly but regretted some of the circumstances surrounding starting their families. These included the timing of having kids, the number of kids they had, the sacrifices they had to make, their partners, and aspects of society that made having kids difficult.

Somewhat less common, parents on Reddit also expressed regret tied to having challenging children, self-identifying as a “bad” parent, having an aversion to being a parent, and wishing for a child-free life. These parents communicated that if they could go back and do it all over, they would not have had kids.

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How to Decide Whether to Have Kids

The decision to have kids can be fraught. There is often deep pressure from others—especially family—to have children. We may experience internal pressure as well. Sometimes we may have a different point-of-view from our partner, which can put extreme stress on a relationship. Another potential factor is the societal expectation that part of growing up andbecoming an adultis starting a family.

But there is no one right answer to whether or not to have kids. It’s a myth that having kids is what makes us a “real” adult, or that having kids will complete our life and make us happy. Livinga child-free lifeis the best choice for many people.

Some people don’t want to have children because ofpast traumasor psychological conditions.In cases such as this, seeing a therapist can help work out these issues while also considering whether having kids is the right decision.

When making the decision aboutwhether or not to have kids, it’s important to weigh factors like our life situation, age, and finances, as well as our marriage, partnership, or lack thereof. Again, there is no “correct” answer; it’s a complex and profoundly personal decision.

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What to Do If We Regret Having Kids

Some parents deal with strong feelings of regret when it comes to having kids—feelings that they can’t shake. Other parents experience more transient thoughts or feelings of regret. But is it true regret or could it be burnout or even postpartum depression?

Burnout vs. Regret

Parenting can be extremely challenging at times, and many parents are apt to experienceparenting burnout. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), parenting burnout doesn’t just involve extreme exhaustion and depletion but can involve deliberate distancing from one’s children, even feeling dislike toward them and not wanting to be near them.

As a result of these feelings, burned-out parents may feel like “bad” parents andexperience guiltand shame over how they are feeling about their kids. These feelings can resemble some of the emotions that parents who regret having kids experience.

If a person is experiencing parental burnout rather than complete regret about having kids, there are some things they can do to feel better, including:

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Tips for Managing Parental Regret

For parents who experience enduring feelings of regret, these feelings can be hard to cope with, especially because regretting having children is a taboo subject to begin with. Here are some tips for managing these feelings:

Experiencing regret about having kids can be a lonely, difficult experience. It’s important to realize that a person who feels this way isn’t alone. Not every parent finds having children a fulfilling or rewarding experience.

RecapA person who regrets having kids is not a bad person. While it can be helpful to talk about these feelings to a close friend or family member, if the feelings of regret are overwhelming or affecting one’s mental health, making an appointment with a therapist or counselor is recommended.

Recap

A person who regrets having kids is not a bad person. While it can be helpful to talk about these feelings to a close friend or family member, if the feelings of regret are overwhelming or affecting one’s mental health, making an appointment with a therapist or counselor is recommended.

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9 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Piotrowski K.How many parents regret having children and how it is linked to their personality and health: Two studies with national samples in Poland.PLoS One. 2021;16(7):e0254163. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0254163Moore J, Abetz J.What Do Parents Regret About Having Children? Communicating Regrets Online.J Fam Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388Newport F, Wilke J.Desire for children still norm in U.S.Donath O.Regretting motherhood: A sociopolitical analysis.Signs: J Women Culture Society. 2015;40(2):343-367. doi:10.1086/678145Piotrowski K.How many parents regret having children and how it is linked to their personality and health: Two studies with national samples in Poland. PLoS One. 2021;16(7):e0254163. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0254163Abramson A.The impact of parental burnout.Monitor Psychol. 2021;52(7):36.Edwards MK, Loprinzi PD.Experimental effects of brief, single bouts of walking and meditation on mood profile in young adults.Health Promot Perspect. 2018;8(3):171-178. doi:10.15171/hpp.2018.23U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.Postpartum depression.Sihto T, Mustosmäki A.The most invisible maternal experience? Analysing how maternal regret Is discussed in Finland. In:Women’s Lived Experiences of the Gender Gap. 2021. doi:10.1007/978-981-16-1174-2_10Additional ReadingAbramson A.The impact of parental burnout. Monitor on Psychology. 2021;52(7):36.Moore J, Abetz J.What Do Parents Regret About Having Children? Communicating Regrets Online. Journal of Family Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388Piotrowski K.How many parents regret having children and how it is linked to their personality and health: Two studies with national samples in Poland. PLoS One. 2021;16(7):e0254163. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0254163Sihto, T., Mustosmäki, A.The Most Invisible Maternal Experience? Analysing How Maternal Regret Is Discussed in Finland. In: Fitzgerald, A. (eds) Women’s Lived Experiences of the Gender Gap. 2021. doi:10.1007/978-981-16-1174-2_10U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.Postpartum depression.

9 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Piotrowski K.How many parents regret having children and how it is linked to their personality and health: Two studies with national samples in Poland.PLoS One. 2021;16(7):e0254163. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0254163Moore J, Abetz J.What Do Parents Regret About Having Children? Communicating Regrets Online.J Fam Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388Newport F, Wilke J.Desire for children still norm in U.S.Donath O.Regretting motherhood: A sociopolitical analysis.Signs: J Women Culture Society. 2015;40(2):343-367. doi:10.1086/678145Piotrowski K.How many parents regret having children and how it is linked to their personality and health: Two studies with national samples in Poland. PLoS One. 2021;16(7):e0254163. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0254163Abramson A.The impact of parental burnout.Monitor Psychol. 2021;52(7):36.Edwards MK, Loprinzi PD.Experimental effects of brief, single bouts of walking and meditation on mood profile in young adults.Health Promot Perspect. 2018;8(3):171-178. doi:10.15171/hpp.2018.23U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.Postpartum depression.Sihto T, Mustosmäki A.The most invisible maternal experience? Analysing how maternal regret Is discussed in Finland. In:Women’s Lived Experiences of the Gender Gap. 2021. doi:10.1007/978-981-16-1174-2_10Additional ReadingAbramson A.The impact of parental burnout. Monitor on Psychology. 2021;52(7):36.Moore J, Abetz J.What Do Parents Regret About Having Children? Communicating Regrets Online. Journal of Family Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388Piotrowski K.How many parents regret having children and how it is linked to their personality and health: Two studies with national samples in Poland. PLoS One. 2021;16(7):e0254163. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0254163Sihto, T., Mustosmäki, A.The Most Invisible Maternal Experience? Analysing How Maternal Regret Is Discussed in Finland. In: Fitzgerald, A. (eds) Women’s Lived Experiences of the Gender Gap. 2021. doi:10.1007/978-981-16-1174-2_10U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.Postpartum depression.

Piotrowski K.How many parents regret having children and how it is linked to their personality and health: Two studies with national samples in Poland.PLoS One. 2021;16(7):e0254163. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0254163Moore J, Abetz J.What Do Parents Regret About Having Children? Communicating Regrets Online.J Fam Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388Newport F, Wilke J.Desire for children still norm in U.S.Donath O.Regretting motherhood: A sociopolitical analysis.Signs: J Women Culture Society. 2015;40(2):343-367. doi:10.1086/678145Piotrowski K.How many parents regret having children and how it is linked to their personality and health: Two studies with national samples in Poland. PLoS One. 2021;16(7):e0254163. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0254163Abramson A.The impact of parental burnout.Monitor Psychol. 2021;52(7):36.Edwards MK, Loprinzi PD.Experimental effects of brief, single bouts of walking and meditation on mood profile in young adults.Health Promot Perspect. 2018;8(3):171-178. doi:10.15171/hpp.2018.23U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.Postpartum depression.Sihto T, Mustosmäki A.The most invisible maternal experience? Analysing how maternal regret Is discussed in Finland. In:Women’s Lived Experiences of the Gender Gap. 2021. doi:10.1007/978-981-16-1174-2_10

Moore J, Abetz J.What Do Parents Regret About Having Children? Communicating Regrets Online.J Fam Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388

Newport F, Wilke J.Desire for children still norm in U.S.

Donath O.Regretting motherhood: A sociopolitical analysis.Signs: J Women Culture Society. 2015;40(2):343-367. doi:10.1086/678145

Abramson A.The impact of parental burnout.Monitor Psychol. 2021;52(7):36.

Edwards MK, Loprinzi PD.Experimental effects of brief, single bouts of walking and meditation on mood profile in young adults.Health Promot Perspect. 2018;8(3):171-178. doi:10.15171/hpp.2018.23

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.Postpartum depression.

Sihto T, Mustosmäki A.The most invisible maternal experience? Analysing how maternal regret Is discussed in Finland. In:Women’s Lived Experiences of the Gender Gap. 2021. doi:10.1007/978-981-16-1174-2_10

Abramson A.The impact of parental burnout. Monitor on Psychology. 2021;52(7):36.Moore J, Abetz J.What Do Parents Regret About Having Children? Communicating Regrets Online. Journal of Family Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388Piotrowski K.How many parents regret having children and how it is linked to their personality and health: Two studies with national samples in Poland. PLoS One. 2021;16(7):e0254163. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0254163Sihto, T., Mustosmäki, A.The Most Invisible Maternal Experience? Analysing How Maternal Regret Is Discussed in Finland. In: Fitzgerald, A. (eds) Women’s Lived Experiences of the Gender Gap. 2021. doi:10.1007/978-981-16-1174-2_10U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.Postpartum depression.

Abramson A.The impact of parental burnout. Monitor on Psychology. 2021;52(7):36.

Moore J, Abetz J.What Do Parents Regret About Having Children? Communicating Regrets Online. Journal of Family Issues. 2019;40(3):390-412. doi:10.1177/0192513X18811388

Sihto, T., Mustosmäki, A.The Most Invisible Maternal Experience? Analysing How Maternal Regret Is Discussed in Finland. In: Fitzgerald, A. (eds) Women’s Lived Experiences of the Gender Gap. 2021. doi:10.1007/978-981-16-1174-2_10

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How Common Is It to Regret Having Kids?#

Why Parents May Regret Having Kids#

How to Decide Whether to Have Kids#

What to Do If We Regret Having Kids#

Burnout vs. Regret#

Could It Be Postpartum Depression?#

Tips for Managing Parental Regret#

Recap#