What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Unavailable?

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Characteristics

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Impact

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If someone has described you as emotionally unavailable, you may wonder what exactly that means and what you can do about it. People who aren’t emotionally available tend to have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them, saysSabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University.

Someone who is emotionally available is able to express emotions in a healthy manner and form emotional attachments with people.On the other hand, someone who isemotionally unavailablemay struggle with feeling the extent of their own emotions without shutting down or denying them, Dr. Romanoff explains.

This article explores some of the potential causes and characteristics of emotional unavailability, as well as some coping strategies that may be helpful.

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Characteristics of Emotional Unavailability

These are some characteristics of people who are emotionally unavailable, according to Dr. Romanoff:

Emotional unavailability can look different from person to person, Dr. Romanoff explains. “Some people may be emotionally available in some areas of their life but closed off in others.”

Causes of Emotional Unavailability

These are some of the potential causes of emotional unavailability, according to Dr. Romanoff:

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Impact of Emotional Unavailability

Below, Dr. Romanoff describes how emotional unavailability can impact you and your relationships.

Impact on You

People who are emotionally unavailable usually view conversations about hurt feelings, requests to change behavior, anddiscussionsof their relationship dynamics as off-limits. Not only will they shut down, they might even get angry or find ways to blame the other person and make them feel like they are the problem, to displace focus from their own discomfort and limitations.

It may also be difficult to emotionally connect with other people. Because they are so accustomed to turning off their emotions, it might be hard to empathize, relate, and honor the needs of others.

They are also likely to have landmines that they are constantly navigating and avoiding. Emotional triggers will tend to spark defensiveness and an automatic habit of putting up walls when people try to get close to them.

Impact on Your Relationships

Emotional unavailability can take a toll on your relationships, both romantic and otherwise.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyDEmotional unavailability prevents emotional intimacy.

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Emotional unavailability prevents emotional intimacy.

Potential romantic partners are likely to quickly grow frustrated when the emotionally unavailable partner refuses to let down their walls. Partners of emotionally unavailable people might also take it personally and assume their partners don’t trust them or like them enough.

Emotionally unavailable people alsoavoid commitment. This could look like avoiding labels in relationships or postponing the progression of a relationship. For instance, they may find it difficult to commit to moving in or getting married.

Instead of committing and deepening a relationship and connection with one person, emotionally unavailable people are more likely to have multiple superficial relationships and cut things off with people when they become too serious.

This is not exclusive to romantic relationships, as they might not want emotional intimacy in friendships as well. They might become uncomfortable when people confide in them, tell them intimate information or become emotionally attached to them.

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Coping With Emotional Unavailability

Below, Dr. Romanoff suggests some strategies that can help you cope, if you think you may be emotionally unavailable to others:

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Keep in Mind

Your upbringing, childhood experiences, or traumatic events may have taught you that it’s better to maintain emotional distance from others to avoid getting hurt or dealing with messy emotional entanglements. However, emotional availability is an essential aspect of our healthy relationships, so it’s important to learn tobe vulnerableand open yourself up.

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2 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Saunders H, Kraus A, Barone L, Biringen Z.Emotional availability: theory, research, and intervention.Front Psychol. 2015;6:1069. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01069Frigerio A, Porreca A, Simonelli A, Nazzari S.Emotional availability in samples of mothers at high risk for depression and with substance use disorder.Front Psychol. 2019;10:577. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00577

2 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Saunders H, Kraus A, Barone L, Biringen Z.Emotional availability: theory, research, and intervention.Front Psychol. 2015;6:1069. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01069Frigerio A, Porreca A, Simonelli A, Nazzari S.Emotional availability in samples of mothers at high risk for depression and with substance use disorder.Front Psychol. 2019;10:577. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00577

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Saunders H, Kraus A, Barone L, Biringen Z.Emotional availability: theory, research, and intervention.Front Psychol. 2015;6:1069. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01069Frigerio A, Porreca A, Simonelli A, Nazzari S.Emotional availability in samples of mothers at high risk for depression and with substance use disorder.Front Psychol. 2019;10:577. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00577

Saunders H, Kraus A, Barone L, Biringen Z.Emotional availability: theory, research, and intervention.Front Psychol. 2015;6:1069. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01069

Frigerio A, Porreca A, Simonelli A, Nazzari S.Emotional availability in samples of mothers at high risk for depression and with substance use disorder.Front Psychol. 2019;10:577. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00577

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