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It’s the rarest and the most extreme form of insecure attachment as it results from very specific kinds of trauma. But if you have this attachment style or are in a relationship with someone who does, it’s important to understand the signs and causes of disorganized attachment so you can work to develop a more secure, loving relationship.

What Are the Signs and Characteristics of Disorganized Attachment?

Someone with ananxious attachment styleis so intent on being in a secure relationship that they’re able to overlook manyred flagsand do everything they can to stay in the relationship, even when its unhealthy. Someone with an avoidant attachment style is so afraid of intimacy that they push people away or avoid relationships at all costs.

Someone with a disorganized attachment style does both. They craveintimacyand are viscerally terrified of it at the same time. As a result, they may show both anxious and avoidant behaviors which can make it easy to misidentify theattachment style. It’s the back and forth between the two extremes that is the telltale sign.

Some signs you could look for in your own thoughts and behavior if you suspect you might have a disorganized attachment style include:

Take the Attachment Styles Quiz

If you’re unsure about your attachment style, thisfast and free quizcan help you identify what your thoughts and behaviors may say about your attachment.

What Causes Disorganized Attachment Style?

Disorganized attachment is believed to be a result of extremechildhood trauma. While trauma can take many forms, this style is thought to stem specifically from traumatic situations where an attachment figure — a person a child feels dependent on for survival — becomes a source of fear rather than security.

A child who experiencedverbal, physical, or sexual abuse, for example, may develop disorganized attachment, as would a child who witnessed an attachment figure commit a violent or abusive act against someone else. Neglect or abandonment can also be traumatic but are more likely to result in anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

The difference between the type of attachment styles developed has nothing to do with whose experiences were more or less traumatizing, rather how the trauma shaped the person’s bond with an attachment figure.

In the case of disorganized attachment, an attachment figure who abused the child or other people in front of a child becomes a source of fear. This person who was supposed to be a source of safety becomes a threat the child has to learn to avoid in order to survive.

Despite that fear, the child is often still dependent on this attachment figure. Feeling trapped in this environment, the child does their best to behave in ways to protect themselves from abuse. But because abuse doesn’t follow any rational pattern, they never know what to expect or what the right way to behave would be.

Over time, they get used to close relationships feeling unsafe and unstable. So even though they crave the love and safety of an intimate relationship, they don’t know how to feel safe and loved in one.

Signs and Causes of Attachment Issues

What Does Disorganized Attachment Look Like in a Relationship?

When a person with a disorganized attachment style approaches any type of intimacy or close bond with another person, they’re filled with an overwhelming and conflicting senses of longing and dread. This can cause a lot of issues in a relationship, including:

How to Have a Healthy Relationship with a Disorganized Attachment Style

As much as it may feel impossible to trust others and feel safe again after trauma, its possible to break the pattern and become capable of being in a secure, healthy relationship. Here are some of the most important steps you can take.

Talk to a Therapist

While it’s definitely possible to have a healthy relationship with a disorganized attachment style, it’s often necessary to heal the underlying trauma to do so. It can be painful to confront that past and, you may not even know where or how to start. Professional training and insight from atherapistcan help you navigate this painful and overwhelming process safely.

Start Journaling

Keeping ajournalis a helpful starting point because it gives you control of the process. It’s a tangible object that you can open up when you’re ready to reflect on your past and put away when you need a break. Regaining some sense of control over the experience this way can eventually make the task of opening up to a therapist less daunting.

Practice Self-Compassion

Disorganized attachment tends to come with a lot ofnegative self-talk. You might feel like you’re unlovable or that you don’t deserve a healthy, loving relationship. You can end up projecting this negativity onto your partner, assuming they also must think you’re unlovable.

One way to start healing is to counter those negative thoughts withcompassion. Make the following habits part of your routine:

How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Impact a Relationship

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Steven Rholes W, Paetzold RL, Kohn JL.Disorganized attachment mediates the link from early trauma to externalizing behavior in adult relationships. Personality and Individual Differences. 2016;90:61-65. Doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.10.043Camerman E, Scheveneels S, Bosmans G.In safe hands: Attachment figures’ safety properties and the link with attachment style. Behaviour Research and Therapy. 2023;163:104274. Doi:10.1016/j.brat.2023.104274Cassidy J, Mohr JJ.Unsolvable fear, trauma, and psychopathology: Theory, research, and clinical considerations related to disorganized attachment across the life span. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. 2001;8(3):275-298. Doi:10.1093/clipsy.8.3.275Klein N.Prosocial behavior increases perceptions of meaning in life. The Journal of Positive Psychology. 2017;12(4):354-361. Doi:10.1080/17439760.2016.1209541

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Steven Rholes W, Paetzold RL, Kohn JL.Disorganized attachment mediates the link from early trauma to externalizing behavior in adult relationships. Personality and Individual Differences. 2016;90:61-65. Doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.10.043Camerman E, Scheveneels S, Bosmans G.In safe hands: Attachment figures’ safety properties and the link with attachment style. Behaviour Research and Therapy. 2023;163:104274. Doi:10.1016/j.brat.2023.104274Cassidy J, Mohr JJ.Unsolvable fear, trauma, and psychopathology: Theory, research, and clinical considerations related to disorganized attachment across the life span. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. 2001;8(3):275-298. Doi:10.1093/clipsy.8.3.275Klein N.Prosocial behavior increases perceptions of meaning in life. The Journal of Positive Psychology. 2017;12(4):354-361. Doi:10.1080/17439760.2016.1209541

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Steven Rholes W, Paetzold RL, Kohn JL.Disorganized attachment mediates the link from early trauma to externalizing behavior in adult relationships. Personality and Individual Differences. 2016;90:61-65. Doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.10.043Camerman E, Scheveneels S, Bosmans G.In safe hands: Attachment figures’ safety properties and the link with attachment style. Behaviour Research and Therapy. 2023;163:104274. Doi:10.1016/j.brat.2023.104274Cassidy J, Mohr JJ.Unsolvable fear, trauma, and psychopathology: Theory, research, and clinical considerations related to disorganized attachment across the life span. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. 2001;8(3):275-298. Doi:10.1093/clipsy.8.3.275Klein N.Prosocial behavior increases perceptions of meaning in life. The Journal of Positive Psychology. 2017;12(4):354-361. Doi:10.1080/17439760.2016.1209541

Steven Rholes W, Paetzold RL, Kohn JL.Disorganized attachment mediates the link from early trauma to externalizing behavior in adult relationships. Personality and Individual Differences. 2016;90:61-65. Doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.10.043

Camerman E, Scheveneels S, Bosmans G.In safe hands: Attachment figures’ safety properties and the link with attachment style. Behaviour Research and Therapy. 2023;163:104274. Doi:10.1016/j.brat.2023.104274

Cassidy J, Mohr JJ.Unsolvable fear, trauma, and psychopathology: Theory, research, and clinical considerations related to disorganized attachment across the life span. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. 2001;8(3):275-298. Doi:10.1093/clipsy.8.3.275

Klein N.Prosocial behavior increases perceptions of meaning in life. The Journal of Positive Psychology. 2017;12(4):354-361. Doi:10.1080/17439760.2016.1209541

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