What Avoidant Attachment Looks Like in a Relationship

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Are Attachment Styles?Signs and BehaviorsHow to Identify Avoidant Attachment in YourselfAvoidant Attachment in RelationshipsHow to Date an Avoidant

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What Are Attachment Styles?

Signs and Behaviors

How to Identify Avoidant Attachment in Yourself

Avoidant Attachment in Relationships

How to Date an Avoidant

Close

Whether you’re simply curious about the different attachment style types or suspect you or another person may have anavoidant attachment style, this article will shed some light on the topic.

What Is Attachment Theory?

Michael Mongo, MFT, PhD, LPThe way we attach is formed early on as a result of how primary caregivers behaved toward meeting their child’s needs.

Michael Mongo, MFT, PhD, LP

The way we attach is formed early on as a result of how primary caregivers behaved toward meeting their child’s needs.

“The way we attach is formed early on as a result of how primary caregivers behaved toward meeting their child’s needs,” explains licensed psychoanalystMichael Mongo, MFT, PhD, LP. “This then creates a template or default of how we can expect to be treated, and importantly shapes nearly all of our relationships, especially romantic ones.”

The four attachment styles represent a person’s internalized subjective experience of how it emotionally feels to be close and connected in relationships.

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What Makes Someone Avoidant?

“Folks with avoidant attachment style are often emotionally unavailable and struggle to emotionally invest in a relationship,” notesMorgan Anderson, Psy. D., a psychologist who specializes in attachment theory. “Individuals with an avoidant attachment style learned to depend on themselves and struggle to be emotionally close in their relationships with others.”

Morgan Anderson, PsyDIndividuals with an avoidant attachment style learned to depend on themselves and struggle to be emotionally close in their relationships with others

Morgan Anderson, PsyD

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style learned to depend on themselves and struggle to be emotionally close in their relationships with others

She adds that they may struggle with expressing their emotions and their needs, and that it’s common for them to disengage from their own emotions which makes expressing themselves difficult.

Signs & Behaviors

A person with an avoidant attachment style may demonstrate some or all of the following behaviors:

While any gender can have any attachment style, a 2018 study published in the Current Opinion in Psychology journal found that women are more likely to have anxious attachment while men are more likely to have an avoidant style in their relationships.

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It’s sometimes challenging to see ourselves clearly, which can make it hard to determine whether you have an avoidant attachment style. Being mindful of the signs of avoidant attachment outlined above is one step. You can also take a look at your past relationships and intimacy patterns for more insight.

“It’s important to do what I call a ‘relationship inventory,’” says Dr. Anderson. “For example, you would want to ask yourself, ‘why are all of my relationships ending?’ and ‘Am I able to express myself openly, honestly and directly in my relationships?’”

You can also take online quizzes to help determine your attachment style (like the one down below), or speak with a therapist to better understand yourself and help break unhealthy patterns.

Take the Attachment Styles Quiz

If you’re unsure about your attachment style, thisfast and free quizcan help you identify what your thoughts and behaviors may say about your attachment.

The Impact of Avoidant Attachment on Relationships

Having an avoidant attachment makes progressing through normal relationship development difficult. These individuals compulsively distance themselves when they feel intimacy forming, notes Dr. Anderson.

“It’s fairly easy to see that avoiding connection, closeness, and intimacy can be detrimental to a relationship. After all, that is fundamentally what any relationship is built on, especially romantic partnerships,” says Dr. Mongo. “A relationship, like any growing thing, must be handled with loving care and be continually nurtured so that it can fully bloom over time.”

He adds that those with an avoidant attachment style will invariably begin tosabotage their relationships; this is a sort of defense mechanism (originating from past experiences) to help them feel emotionally safe. Some may manufacture drama as a way of distancing themselves, or they may slowly disengage, completely ghost, or become emotionally numb within the partnership.

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Advice for Managing Relationships With Avoidant Attachment

It’s important for someone with an avoidant attachment to acknowledge their attachment style and the ways it’s keeping them from having fulfilling relationships. From here, they can begin to identify and redirectdamaging behavior patterns. Here are some ways to effectively manage a relationship with avoidant attachment.

Morgan Anderson, Psy. D.With awareness of the avoidant attachment relationship behaviors, people may be able to heal and move towards secure attachment.

Morgan Anderson, Psy. D.

With awareness of the avoidant attachment relationship behaviors, people may be able to heal and move towards secure attachment.

Avoidant attachment can make it challenging to enjoy fulfilling relationships, but acknowledging behavior patterns, staying in the moment a little bit longer (however uncomfortable), and taking small steps forward can help you enjoy a more secure mindset.

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4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Main M, Solomon J. Discovery of a new, insecure-disorganized/disoriented attachment pattern. In: Brazelton TB, Yogman M, eds., Affective Development in Infancy. Ablex.

Simpson, J. A., & Steven Rholes, W. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships.Current Opinion in Psychology,13, 19–24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006

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