What Are the Pros and Cons of Breakup Sex?

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsPrevalenceCausesInfluential FactorsEmotional Impact

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

Prevalence

Causes

Influential Factors

Emotional Impact

Breakup sex involves having sex with a former partner after you’ve ended your committed romantic relationship. It might happen at various points, such as during a breakup or after you split. While it isn’t uncommon, there are important emotional consequences to consider.

Ending a relationship isn’t easy, so people sometimes find themselves drawn to their former partner. It may be tempting to have sex with a former partner as opposed to waiting to find a new partner or having sex with someone you don’t know at all.

At a GlanceBreakup sex may be common, but that doesn’t mean that there are emotional consequences you should consider. On the plus side, it can be a way to connect with someone and keep enjoying sex without having to go through the process of finding another partner.However, it’s a situation that can lead to serious emotional complications, particularly if one of you wants to get back together or is having a hard time moving past the relationship.

At a Glance

Breakup sex may be common, but that doesn’t mean that there are emotional consequences you should consider. On the plus side, it can be a way to connect with someone and keep enjoying sex without having to go through the process of finding another partner.However, it’s a situation that can lead to serious emotional complications, particularly if one of you wants to get back together or is having a hard time moving past the relationship.

However, it’s a situation that can lead to serious emotional complications, particularly if one of you wants to get back together or is having a hard time moving past the relationship.

How Common Is Breakup Sex?

On the surface, the familiarity and comfort of an old flame may seem appealing—particularly because many people are frustrated with the current dating climate. This may be especially true for women, who may be hesitant about the potential risk and vulnerability involved in sex with a new partner.

Research suggests that breakup sex is fairly common; 27% of young adults report having sex with an ex within a two-year period.

Almost one in four couples who are legally married but separated continue to have regular sexual contact. Additionally, for 14% of individuals, their last sexual partner was someone with whom they were previously in a relationship.

Why Do Couples Have Breakup Sex?

There are many reasons a person would choose to have sex with their ex. Whether it’s out of pleasure or comfort, or this person wants to reconnect with their ex in some way, here are some of the reasons sex with an ex is quite common.

For Pleasure

According to studies, many couples engage in post-relationship sex for their own purposes that have little to do with their ex. The number-one reason cited for sex with a former partner is “for fun.” The second most common reason is sexual frustration or “missing sex,” but not necessarily with that specific person.

Missing being in a partnership and the desire for a connectedness with another person with whom they have some familiarity may influence a person’s decision to have breakup sex.

Men are more likely to identify pleasure as their primary reason for continuing to have sexafter a breakup.This may be because, across all cultures surveyed, men are more likely to value quantity over quality with respect to sexual partners. This is true despite men and women reporting equal enjoyment during sexual activity.

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Relationship Maintenance

A desire torekindle a unionwith a former partner may also be the motivation for continued sexual contact. The third most common reason for this behavior is a hope for “mate retention,” or in other words, keeping your ex in your life.

Relationship Ambivalence

Confusion about how one feels about theending of a relationshipmay also be the incentive for breakup sex.A person may want to keep the partner on the “back burner” or as a “just in case” option for the future if there are unresolved feelings. This often holds true if the person doubts their potential for success with prospective partners.

Some may be more likely to continue a physical relationship with an ex if they are unsure if they want to be part of a committed romantic pairing at all.

Emotional Distress

Broken-heartednessseems to be a major influence in a person’s willingness to engage in sex with a past love. This may be where the distinction between ex sex and breakup sex becomes relevant.

Breakup sex is defined as occurring within two weeks of the end of the relationship, whereas “ex sex” is the term used to describe what happens past that point.

Some people feel that sex with a past partner will help them heal and recover from the end of their union. There are individuals who believe that continuing a sexual relationship offers some measure ofclosurefollowing a breakup.

Why the “No Contact” Rule Is So Important After a Breakup

What Factors Influence Ex Sex?

There are a few factors that influence whether people continue to have sex with a former partner. Someone feeling that they are, or were, in love with the other person increases their desire to engage in sex after the end of the relationship.

The perceived attractiveness of a former partner is another major factor. Those who feel that they are suffering a loss in social status or financial resources tend to participate in ex sex more often and view this as a possible mate retention tool.

Continued sexual contact is not gender-specific behavior. Men and women are both equally likely to report engaging in communication with an ex-partner for the primary purpose of eventually arranging a tryst.

Whether or not one is the initiator of the breakup seems to be of little consequence when it comes to post-relationsip hookups. With equal frequency, those who identify as the dumper or the dumpee participate in physical intimacy with their ex.

Are There Psychological Consequences of Breakup Sex?

Couples who continued to engage in sex acts with a prior partner for two months or more felt that this behavior had no impact on their overall well-being.

Perhaps not surprisingly, those who had started new relationships within this time frame reported that continued sex with their former flame negatively impacted the quality of their current partnership.

Furthermore, there is data to support the notion that women tend to have sexual regret and feel badly about themselves following sex with an ex. Men tended to actuallyfeel betterabout themselves in the same scenario.

Takeaways

Sex after the end of a relationship is complicated. Someone may feel that the popularity of the behavior suggests that there are few consequences. Research suggests that this may be true, but an individual should be sure to tease apart popular opinion from what may be best for themselves and their own emotional well-being.

Make sure that you listen to yourself if you are tempted to have sex with an ex—you might confide in a trusted loved one, reflect on past experiences on how breakup sex made you feel, and giving yourself the time and space you need after a breakup to have a clearer mind moving forward.

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3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Moran JB, Wade TJ, Murray DR.The psychology of breakup sex: Exploring the motivational factors and affective consequences of post-breakup sexual activity.Evol Psychol. 2020;18(3):1474704920936916. doi:10.1177/1474704920936916Spielmann SS, Joel S, Impett EA.Pursuing sex with an ex: Does it hinder breakup recovery?Arch Sex Behav. 2019;48(3):691-702. doi:10.1007/s10508-018-1268-6Halpern-Meekin S, Manning WD, Giordano PC, Longmore MA.Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/off relationships and sex with an ex.J Adolesc Res. 2013;28(2):166-188. doi:10.1177/0743558412464524

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Moran JB, Wade TJ, Murray DR.The psychology of breakup sex: Exploring the motivational factors and affective consequences of post-breakup sexual activity.Evol Psychol. 2020;18(3):1474704920936916. doi:10.1177/1474704920936916Spielmann SS, Joel S, Impett EA.Pursuing sex with an ex: Does it hinder breakup recovery?Arch Sex Behav. 2019;48(3):691-702. doi:10.1007/s10508-018-1268-6Halpern-Meekin S, Manning WD, Giordano PC, Longmore MA.Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/off relationships and sex with an ex.J Adolesc Res. 2013;28(2):166-188. doi:10.1177/0743558412464524

Moran JB, Wade TJ, Murray DR.The psychology of breakup sex: Exploring the motivational factors and affective consequences of post-breakup sexual activity.Evol Psychol. 2020;18(3):1474704920936916. doi:10.1177/1474704920936916Spielmann SS, Joel S, Impett EA.Pursuing sex with an ex: Does it hinder breakup recovery?Arch Sex Behav. 2019;48(3):691-702. doi:10.1007/s10508-018-1268-6Halpern-Meekin S, Manning WD, Giordano PC, Longmore MA.Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/off relationships and sex with an ex.J Adolesc Res. 2013;28(2):166-188. doi:10.1177/0743558412464524

Spielmann SS, Joel S, Impett EA.Pursuing sex with an ex: Does it hinder breakup recovery?Arch Sex Behav. 2019;48(3):691-702. doi:10.1007/s10508-018-1268-6

Halpern-Meekin S, Manning WD, Giordano PC, Longmore MA.Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/off relationships and sex with an ex.J Adolesc Res. 2013;28(2):166-188. doi:10.1177/0743558412464524

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At a Glance#

How Common Is Breakup Sex?#

Why Do Couples Have Breakup Sex?#

For Pleasure#

Relationship Maintenance#

Relationship Ambivalence#

Emotional Distress#

What Factors Influence Ex Sex?#

Are There Psychological Consequences of Breakup Sex?#

Takeaways#