Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsThe 5 Love LanguagesIdentify Your Love LanguageBenefits of Love LanguagesLove Languages in Everyday LifeCriticismsFrequently Asked Questions

Table of ContentsView All

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Table of Contents

The 5 Love Languages

Identify Your Love Language

Benefits of Love Languages

Love Languages in Everyday Life

Criticisms

Frequently Asked Questions

Close

The five love languages describe five ways that people receive andexpress lovein a relationship. These are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.

The Five Love Languages

Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” was first published in 1992. Before writing the book, Chapman began to notice patterns in couples he was counseling. He realized that the couples were misunderstanding each other’s needs.

That led him to come up with five love languages, or ways that people in relationships express love. They are:

Words of Affirmation

Quality Time

Someone with this love language values your full presence when you are together. They feel most loved if you give them your undivided attention and spend time together in meaningful and interactive ways. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the computer, making eye contact, thoughtfully interacting, andactively listening.

People with this love language are looking for quality over quantity.

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Physical Touch

A person with physical touch as their primary love language feels love through physical affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved when their partner holds their hand, touches their arm, or gives them a massage at the end of the day, for example.

This person’s idea of a wonderful date night might be cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, slow dancing together with a lot of physical contact, or taking a long walk together while holding hands. They feel most loved when physically interacting with their partner.

Acts of Service

Acts of service are nice things you do for your partner that make them feel loved and appreciated, such as:

If your partner’s main love language is acts of service, they’ll notice and appreciate little things you do for them. They tend to perform acts of service and kindness for others, too.

Receiving Gifts

For someone who resonates with this love language, gifts symbolize love, care, and affection. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into selecting it.

People who enjoy receiving gifts as part of their primary love language do not necessarily expect large or expensive presents; it’s more the effort and thoughtfulness behind the gift that count.

When you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it tells them you are thoughtful and really know and care about them and their preferences. People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them.

Are There Other Love Languages?

According to Chapman’s framework, the original five love languages have stayed the same, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to express and receive love.

This is just one framework, and there have been several proposed additions over the years. For example, ideas like shared experiences and emotional security. The more we think about ourselves and what fills our relationship tank, the more ways we have to help our partner love us in the way we most want to be loved.

How to Identify Your Love Language

In a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:

Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be. You could also try to recall the sorts of things you ask for in a relationship or consider how you express love to your partner.

Your partner’s love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language (and you, theirs), they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.

Take our fast, free quiz to find out your love language:

How Love Languages Benefit Relationships

We all express and receive love differently. Learning and understanding those differences can have a meaningful impact on your relationship. According to Chapman, this is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships. Here are some other ways learning your respective love languages could be beneficial.

Love Languages Promote Selflessness

When you are committed to learning someone else’s love language, you arefocused on their needsrather than your own. This is the central premise of Chapman’s theory. Couples should make an effort to learn and respond to their partner’s love language rather than trying to convince their partner to change to their own. Ideally, both people will want to express and share love in a way that is meaningful to the other..

The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.

Love Languages Create Empathy

As you learn more about how your partner experiences love, you learn toempathizewith them. It helps you step outside of yourself for a moment and take a look at what makes another person feel significant and loved.

When couples are committed to learning and using the love languages, they increase theiremotional intelligenceand learn how to put someone else’s needs above their own. Instead of speaking their own love language to their partner, they learn how to speak in a language that their partner understands.

Love Languages Help Maintain Intimacy

Regularly talking about what keeps your love tanks full can build more understanding—and ultimately,intimacy—in your relationship. You’ll not only learn more about one another, but you’ll also connect in more meaningful and significant ways. When this happens, your relationship deepens in intimacy.

A 2016 review published in theGlobal Journal of Health Scienceconcluded that improvingcommunication skillscan aid intimacy in a marriage.

Love Languages Aid Personal Growth

Focusing on something or someone outside of yourself can lead to personal growth. Loving your partner in ways that are outside your comfort zone can inspire and motivate you togrow and change, and to look at ways of thinking and being beyond yourself.

Love Languages Help You Share Love in Meaningful Ways

When couples start speaking one another’s love language, the things they do for each other become more intentional and meaningful. They are saying “I love you” in ways that make sense to their partners, who then receive that love and feel more noticed, content, and appreciated.

According to Chapman, love languages also apply to relationships between parents and children, among coworkers, and among friends. For example, if your child’s primary love language is words of affirmation, they’d like to hear verbal praise or, “I love you.” It’s highly individual: A coworker might feel more appreciated if you use one love language instead of another.

Your love language can also change occasionally. For instance, if you had a bad day at work, you might prefer a hug from your partner rather than an encouraging word.

The key is to regularly communicate and askwhat your partner needs to feel cherished, heard, appreciated, and loved. Once you have checked in, you can take the information learned and put it into practice.

Criticisms of the Love Language Theory

Though learning the love languages helps many people communicate better with their partners, there are limitations to the theory and how people apply it to their relationships.

Many People Misuse the Languages

Some people get a bit competitive about using love languages, which can actually strain a relationship. For example, you might start keeping track of all the times you use your partner’s love language and compare it to how many times your partner used yours.

The love languages are intended to give you more awareness and options when it comes to giving and receiving intimacy, not to be used for control, punishment, or manipulation.

Love languages can be a way toopen up communicationand compassion, but you shouldn’t use them as games or weapons against your partner. Some people continue to use their own language (instead of their partner’s) to show they care—and that’s OK.

You can be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your love language. Try to be understanding and open. You can recognize and appreciate your partner’s actions even if they don’t match your own language perfectly.

They Don’t Fix Other Relationship Problems

The five love languages won’t fix all of yourrelationship issues; they are simply one tool of many you can use to improve communication with your partner.

Research shows that couples who use each other’s love languages feel the happiest within their relationships when they also use self-regulation tools to handle their own emotions.While the love languages were a tool, the couples' accountability for their emotions and behavioral changes contributed the most to their overall happiness.

How to Develop and Practice Self-Regulation

Your love language can change, too. It’s important to accept and expect that love languages can change over time, especially givenlife stressorsor major changes such as having children.

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They May Lead to Pressure on Partners

Many people talk about love languages in the context of committed relationships or marriage. Remember that learning and understanding your own love language is an important tool for you to practice self-love.

You want to avoid putting too much pressure on your partner to consistently express your love language to you.

One study found that the biggest obstacle for couples who were using each other’s love languages was that the recipient often didn’t recognize that their partner was trying to use their love language.

It’s important for the giver to communicate and for the recipient to recognize and show appreciation for their partner’s efforts, even if they don’t exactly meet expectations. This positive feedback will allow learning to happen and changes to continue instead of shaming which leads to shutdown

They Perpetuate Heteronormativity

Chapman’s original model focuses on heterosexual couples even though the theory can apply to any partnership regardless of their sexual orientation.If you’re reading “The 5 Love Languages"and you aren’t in a heterosexual relationship or you aren’t heteronormative, it might feel frustrating to be excluded from the text.

What is heteronormativity?Heteronormativityis the assumption that all people are straight and that romantic and sexual relationships are always between one man and one woman. It assumes that heterosexuality is the default sexual orientation and that it’s the only normal or natural way to express sexuality and attraction.

What is heteronormativity?

Heteronormativityis the assumption that all people are straight and that romantic and sexual relationships are always between one man and one woman. It assumes that heterosexuality is the default sexual orientation and that it’s the only normal or natural way to express sexuality and attraction.

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Keep in Mind

Once you and your partner know each other’s love language, you both can benefit. Speaking your partner’s love language can take a bit of effort and intention, though, especially if it is different from yours. Remember, healthy relationships aren’t born; they’re developed through attention and effort.

Frequently Asked QuestionsIn 1997, Gary Chapman wrote a book with Ross Campbell, MD, about how the five love languages can apply to children as well.In it, he describes methods of observing which love language your child may resonate with. There is also a quiz that a parent can take on behalf of their child. It is available on theFive Love Languages website.The easiest way to determine your partner’s love language is to have them take the quiz. You could also consider what they ask for or do most in a relationship. Do they frequently bring you thoughtful gifts? Or tell you they love you? This could be a hint as to what their love language might be.

In 1997, Gary Chapman wrote a book with Ross Campbell, MD, about how the five love languages can apply to children as well.In it, he describes methods of observing which love language your child may resonate with. There is also a quiz that a parent can take on behalf of their child. It is available on theFive Love Languages website.

The easiest way to determine your partner’s love language is to have them take the quiz. You could also consider what they ask for or do most in a relationship. Do they frequently bring you thoughtful gifts? Or tell you they love you? This could be a hint as to what their love language might be.

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5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals.Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):74-93. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p745 Love Languages.Frequently asked questions.Hughes JL, Camden AA.Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction.PsiChiJournal.2020;25(3):234-244. doi:10.24839/2325-7342.jn25.3.234Bunt S, Hazelwood ZJ.Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self-regulation, and relationship satisfaction.Pers Relationship.2017;24(2):280-290. doi:10.1111/pere.12182Campbell R, Chapman G.The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively. Moody Publishers.Additional ReadingChapman G.The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Moody Publishers.

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals.Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):74-93. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p745 Love Languages.Frequently asked questions.Hughes JL, Camden AA.Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction.PsiChiJournal.2020;25(3):234-244. doi:10.24839/2325-7342.jn25.3.234Bunt S, Hazelwood ZJ.Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self-regulation, and relationship satisfaction.Pers Relationship.2017;24(2):280-290. doi:10.1111/pere.12182Campbell R, Chapman G.The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively. Moody Publishers.Additional ReadingChapman G.The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Moody Publishers.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals.Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):74-93. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p745 Love Languages.Frequently asked questions.Hughes JL, Camden AA.Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction.PsiChiJournal.2020;25(3):234-244. doi:10.24839/2325-7342.jn25.3.234Bunt S, Hazelwood ZJ.Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self-regulation, and relationship satisfaction.Pers Relationship.2017;24(2):280-290. doi:10.1111/pere.12182Campbell R, Chapman G.The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively. Moody Publishers.

Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals.Glob J Health Sci. 2016;8(8):74-93. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74

5 Love Languages.Frequently asked questions.

Hughes JL, Camden AA.Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction.PsiChiJournal.2020;25(3):234-244. doi:10.24839/2325-7342.jn25.3.234

Bunt S, Hazelwood ZJ.Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self-regulation, and relationship satisfaction.Pers Relationship.2017;24(2):280-290. doi:10.1111/pere.12182

Campbell R, Chapman G.The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively. Moody Publishers.

Chapman G.The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Moody Publishers.

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