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Boundaries are personal limits that individuals set for themselves to protect their own well-being, values, and sense of self within a relationship. They define what a person is comfortable with and what they will not tolerate.
A boundary is like an invisible line that separates you from others on an emotional, intellectual, and physical level.
They help you communicate what you want and need, what you dislike, and what is acceptable and unacceptable.
A man and a woman stood within two separate circles where they both overlap slightly at the middle
Your boundaries are essentially your values – the beliefs, attitudes, behaviors (etc.) that are important to you. As such, they dictate the nature of your relationships and how they develop and grow.
That means, to have the relationship you want, you must be clear on your own values and what you will tolerate and what you won’t. How you communicate and behave within a relationship should reflect your values – your boundaries.
Everyone has different boundaries, and while it’s important to stand firm in what you want and need, it’s also important to respect and value the other person’s boundaries.
It’s a fine balance between being assertive and truthful and listening, compromising, and understanding each other.
People have varying boundary types in different contexts. For example, one may have healthy boundaries at work, unhealthyboundaries in romantic relationships, and a mix with family. Boundary appropriateness depends heavily on the setting – what’s fine among friends may not suit a workplace. Boundaries at the beginning of a romantic relationship will be different compared withboundaries after cheating.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
For a relationship to work, love is necessary but not enough. Boundaries are equally important because you’re clear on where you stand and who’s responsible for what. This provides a sense of safety and trust and allows you to achieve deeper levels of intimacy.
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”
An Example to Show Why Boundaries Are Important
Harry and Grace have been in a relationship for over a year. One night, Grace decides to look through Harry’s phone and finds he has been speaking to his ex-girlfriend.
Both feel theirtrust has been brokenand their boundaries have been crossed. They blame each other and aren’t taking responsibility.
However, if they want their relationship to grow, both partners must take responsibility for their actions. Grace must take responsibility for going through Harry’s phone (disrespecting his privacy) and her angry reaction. Harry must take responsibility for speaking to his ex-girlfriend without considering how this would make Grace feel.
If both would take ownership and responsibility, Harry would see things from Grace’s perspective and stop communicating with his ex or explain why it’s important to him.
Grace would own up to the fact that going through someone’s phone is a breach of privacy and agree to stop doing it. She might accept that Harry wants to stay in communication with his ex and allow him this freedom or decide that this does not work for her.
In that case, the communication shouldn’t be “You cannot speak to your ex” because this is the other person’s responsibility.
Instead, Grace could say, “If you continue to contact her, I will move out” – this is enforceable because it’s about Grace. She is setting a boundary with the only person she can control – herself.
Types of Boundaries
Within any relationship, each person involved should establish and respect various types of boundaries.
Here are the types of boundaries with questions that will help you figure out what yours are in each category. It’s also a good idea to think about how you will deal with theseboundaries being crossed.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are limits and guidelines relating to your body and physical space.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries are limits and guidelines relating to sharing and dealing with emotions.
Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries are standards and limits relating to your sexuality and sex life, including consent, sexual acts, communication, safety, etc.
Material Boundaries
Material boundaries are limits and guidelines relating to your possessions, like your clothes, house, car, etc.
Intellectual Boundaries
Intellectual boundaries relate to how ideas and thoughts are shared and treated.
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries are rules and limits relating to how people spend their time and what their time is worth.
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries clearly and consistently communicate to others how you want to be treated and loved (and how you don’t). Unhealthy boundaries are inconsistent, loose, too rigid, or nonexistent.
Healthy boundaries come from a place of love and wanting to grow. You’re assertive about what you want and need but simultaneously compromise and adapt to the other person’s boundaries.
Many people believe they are being selfish when they communicate and implement their boundaries. Some people use boundaries for selfish reasons and to control their partner.
However, there’s nothing selfish about letting people know how to love and treat you – you’re just honest about who you are.
Boundaries are not about controlling or fixing another to suit your needs. They’re about knowing what you want and need and communicating that truthfully.
When you respect another person’s boundaries, you pave the way for them to respect and value yours.say no. But when youset appropriate boundaries, you can feel safe without the need to control your partner.
Unhealthy Boundaries
Many people struggle to set and maintain boundaries. Yourearly experiences of relationshipsdetermine your ability to stand firm in what you believe in, what you want and don’t want, and what you will tolerate and what not.
So if your upbringing was unboundaried or overly strict, you might struggle with boundaries in your adult relationships.
Here are some signs that you need to work on your boundaries:
If you’ve answered yes to the questions above, you probably struggle with boundaries to some extent – but don’t worry, setting and maintaining boundaries is something you can learn over time.
Examples
Here are some examples to illustrate the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries:
Trespassing
For example, you want to try a particular activity, but your partner does not.
If your boundaries are healthy, you respect their decision and don’t ask again. If your boundaries are unhealthy, you will sulk, shout, or keep nagging until they give in.
Enabling
Let’s say your partner constantly overspends and asks to borrow money but rarely pays it back.
Allowing this to happen repeatedly means your boundaries are not in place – you’re tolerating this behavior even though you don’t like it.
Having healthy boundaries means supporting your partner in overcoming their spending issues while expecting them to take responsibility.
Therefore, you might say, “I love you, but I’m not lending you money again. You will have to get a job because I can’t sustain us both.”
Each partner is responsible for their own life. You can help each other, but you should not enable or rescue them – healthy boundaries mean you’re putting limits on each other’s destructive behaviors and attitudes.
Dependence
Let’s say Tina is unhappy in life and her partner Ben feels like he can’t give her the life she wants. But no matter what he does, she is still unhappy.
Their boundaries are unclear and there is an element of dependence: Tina is relying on Ben to make her happy and Ben thinks it’s his responsibility to make her happy.
Healthy boundaries would mean Tina takes responsibility for her own happiness and doesn’t rely on her partner to make her happy.
Control
Jim expects his partner to do everything he says, keeps tabs on her whereabouts, and chooses what she wears because “those are my boundaries”.
This is an example of someone disguisingcontrolling behavior as boundaries.
Boundaries mean freedom – you choose to love the other the way they are and you’re truthful about who you are and give your partner the choice to love you as you are.
Control is not respecting the other person’s freedom – you want your partner to make the decisions that suit you, don’t accept when they say no, and punish a “wrong” choice.
Using guilt or anger, withholding love, and constantly trespassing boundaries are manipulation tactics aimed at control, and are a sure way to destroy trust and love.
Sometimes, people use control because they don’t know how to communicate their needs.
Ultimatums
When ourboundaries have been crossed, we often give the other person an ultimatum: either you do this, or you suffer the consequences.
When setting boundaries, individuals take responsibility for their own choices and reactions, seeking to address them in a healthy manner.
Ultimatumsoften place blame and the onus for change on the other person, without the ultimatum-giver acknowledging their role in the situation.
Sometimes, ultimatums are necessary when the relationship doesn’t have a strong foundation of boundaries and respectful behavior, or when your repeated attempts at communicating your boundaries have been unsuccessful.
However, ultimatums often lead to resentment and distrust, ultimately hurting a relationship.
Rules
Relationship boundaries and rules are not the same thing, although they may seem similar at first glance.
Boundaries are personal limits that individuals set for themselves to protect their own well-being, values, and sense of self within a relationship.
Examples of boundaries might include:
Rules can be seen as a way to exert power over another person, rather than focusing on one’s own needs and well-being. Examples of rules might include:
Expectations
Expectations live in the realm of “should” and are based on your upbringing, desires, personality, etc. For example, “I expect my partner always to be available when I need emotional support.”
While these aren’t necessarily unreasonable, having expectations of other people can lead to disappointment and anger that’s then directed at the other person for not meeting your expectations.
So rather than expecting the other person to meet your standards, you’re taking responsibility for your standards and don’t accept anything less. You have an expectation of yourself rather than the other person
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
