We All Get Lonely Sometimes—What to Do on the Days You Feel Totally Alone

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsIt’s Something We Feel, Not Something We SeeHow Is It Different From Being Alone?Why Do We Get Lonely?The Ugly Effects of Loneliness and How to Feel Less Alone

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

It’s Something We Feel, Not Something We See

How Is It Different From Being Alone?

Why Do We Get Lonely?

The Ugly Effects of Loneliness and How to Feel Less Alone

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Every Friday onThe Verywell Mind Podcast, host Minaa B., a licensed social worker, mental health educator, and author of “Owning Our Struggles,” interviews experts, wellness advocates, and individuals with lived experiences about community care and its impact on mental health.

We’ve all had days where we feel super lonely—they really suck. You know the feeling of lying on the couch, phone in hand, and wondering why our friends or partners haven’t replied to ourtextsyet (because it’s been 30 minutes already!). The cat, unsurprisingly, doesn’t even want to be around us and we can’t seem to figure out what to do with the free time we have. And if you err on thedramaticside, you might think everyone hates you (even when you lowkey know that’s not even close to being true).

Jeremy Nobel, MD, MPH, Founder of Project UnLonely"[Loneliness] is defined as the gap between the social connection we want to have with others…and [the connection] we feel we actually do have. As that gap gets larger, we describe that as greater and greater loneliness."

Jeremy Nobel, MD, MPH, Founder of Project UnLonely

“[Loneliness] is defined as the gap between the social connection we want to have with others…and [the connection] we feel we actually do have. As that gap gets larger, we describe that as greater and greater loneliness.”

Whilelonelydays are no fun, they’re common. So, don’t feel too bummed out if you’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately. However, if you find that you’re lonelyallthe time, there may be a deeper issue to address as chronic loneliness can actually impact our mental and physical well-being.

In fact, research has shown that persistent loneliness can impact your overall health just as much as obesity or smoking 15 cigarettes per day can.

Jeremy Nobel, MD, MPH, a physician and the founder ofProject UnLonelyhas studied the impact of loneliness for years, and tells the Verywell Mind Podcast hostMinaa B., “Loneliness invades our lives in lots of ways.” So, there are many factors andlife eventsthat can make us feel lonely. The good news is that we can alleviate our feelings of loneliness so that our isolation doesn’t begin to wreak havoc on our well-being.

At a GlanceLoneliness is a common human experience. No matter who we are or where we are, we’re bound to get lonely at some point—and that’s OK. But, if your loneliness is really affecting you and goes on for an extended amount of time you may experience some negative mental health effects like depression and anxiety. Making the time to connect with yourself and others can help make you feel less alone.

At a Glance

Loneliness is a common human experience. No matter who we are or where we are, we’re bound to get lonely at some point—and that’s OK. But, if your loneliness is really affecting you and goes on for an extended amount of time you may experience some negative mental health effects like depression and anxiety. Making the time to connect with yourself and others can help make you feel less alone.

Chronic Loneliness Can Do Some Damage to Your Mental Health—Here’s How

Loneliness Is Something We Feel, Not Something We Can See

When we think of the word “lonely,” we might picture someone sitting alone in their bedroom or someone who keeps close to the perimeter of the room at a social event. But loneliness doesn’t have one look. We can be lonely even when we’reactively engaging in conversation with others. The reason for this is that, as Dr. Nobel says, “loneliness is a subjective state, meaning it’s how we feel. You can’t objectively measure it.”

Expanding on his definition of loneliness, Dr. Nobel says, “[Loneliness] is defined as the gap between the social connection we want to have with others…and [the connection] we feel we actually do have. As that gap gets larger, we describe that as greater and greater loneliness.”

So, How Does Loneliness Differ From Being Alone?

But just because someone is physically alone doesn’t mean that they’re lonely. The person might even enjoy that time away from others—this is what we callsolitude.We might intentionally self-isolate after we’ve had a super stressful day at work or had an argument with a partner or friend so that we cangather our thoughtsand just chill for a bit. Post-solitude we’ll usually come out of our hiding places to reunite with the rest of the world feeling restored.

Loneliness; however, is “always a negative feeling [because]there’s something missingthat we need,” says Dr. Nobel.

What It Means to Feel “Dead Inside”

We get lonely for many different reasons. The factors that contribute to feelings of loneliness determine thetypeof loneliness we’re feeling at a given moment.

Unpacking the Three Types of LonelinessAccording to some researchers, there are three types of loneliness:Social loneliness:Feeling like you don’t have anyone around; feeling like you don’t belong anywhere; feeling disconnected from othersEmotional loneliness:Feeling abandoned or excludedExistential loneliness:Feeling separate from the rest of the world; feeling misunderstood

Unpacking the Three Types of Loneliness

According to some researchers, there are three types of loneliness:Social loneliness:Feeling like you don’t have anyone around; feeling like you don’t belong anywhere; feeling disconnected from othersEmotional loneliness:Feeling abandoned or excludedExistential loneliness:Feeling separate from the rest of the world; feeling misunderstood

According to some researchers, there are three types of loneliness:

Social Loneliness

When we feel social loneliness, we may not be feeling so close to other people. Dr. Nobel describes that this is the type of loneliness we feel when no one seems to have our back or care about us. Maybe you don’t feel connected to your peers or you feel a disconnect between yourself and other people you work with.

Research shows that long-haul truck drivers, professional golfers, andcaregiversare likely to experience social loneliness.

Studying abroadcan also cause social loneliness. When studentsgo to another countryto get a degree they might, understandably, feel disconnected from their culture. This is calledcultural loneliness,and it’s a form of social loneliness.

Jeremy Nobel, MD, MPH, Founder of Project UnLonelyLoneliness invades our lives in lots of ways.

Loneliness invades our lives in lots of ways.

Emotional Loneliness

This type of loneliness is often the result of feeling a void or as if we lost something or wereleft behind in some way.

Common reasons that lead to emotional loneliness may include the death of a close family member, being placed in a care home, a breakup, andolder children finally leaving the nest.

People living with disabilities or mental health conditions may also feel a sense of exclusion from others.

Dr. Nobel notes that people belonging to marginalized groups feel “othered” and excluded from certain spaces—which can lead to a sense of emotional loneliness.

Existential Loneliness

Have you ever had the experience of lying in bed at 3 A.M., where you’re unable to fall asleep because you just got a random second wind and now you’re under your covers justquestioning the meaning of your existencein the context of the whole universe? Those thoughts can make you feel profoundly alone.

Feeling like no one in the world really gets you can also lead to this kind of loneliness.

Living With Existential Depression

Ongoing loneliness can really do some damage to our mental and physical health. Some of the harmful effects of loneliness include:

Dr. Nobel says that people might turn to substances like alcohol or opioids to combat feelings of loneliness.

He says, “[Loneliness] literallychanges how our brains work, so we start to withdraw. Contact with others is viewed as increasingly risky, so we avoid it, even when it’s exactly what we need.”

How to Feel Less LonelyDr. Nobel suggests a few ways we canalleviate our feelings of loneliness:Decrease the stigma of being lonely: When was the last time that you said you were lonely—to yourself or someone else? This can be something that’s pretty tough to admit. We may fear judgment or looking like we’re too needy or clingy. But, Dr.Nobel says that creating a greater awareness of loneliness may be the antidote to it. When more people areopenabout feeling lonely, others are more likely to follow suit. So, the next time you feel lonely, try telling someone you trust and gauge how that feels for you.Be intentional about connecting with other people: Dr. Nobel suggests committing to a time where you make it a goal to connect with others. So, even if you’re miles apart from someone else, hop on a Zoom call so that you can get some face-to-face interaction.Reframe the way you think about loneliness:Dr. Nobel says that feeling lonely isn’t a mark on who we are. He suggests trying to accept that loneliness isn’t our fault. Instead, it’s “a signal that there’s a kind of connection you need.”

How to Feel Less Lonely

Dr. Nobel suggests a few ways we canalleviate our feelings of loneliness:Decrease the stigma of being lonely: When was the last time that you said you were lonely—to yourself or someone else? This can be something that’s pretty tough to admit. We may fear judgment or looking like we’re too needy or clingy. But, Dr.Nobel says that creating a greater awareness of loneliness may be the antidote to it. When more people areopenabout feeling lonely, others are more likely to follow suit. So, the next time you feel lonely, try telling someone you trust and gauge how that feels for you.Be intentional about connecting with other people: Dr. Nobel suggests committing to a time where you make it a goal to connect with others. So, even if you’re miles apart from someone else, hop on a Zoom call so that you can get some face-to-face interaction.Reframe the way you think about loneliness:Dr. Nobel says that feeling lonely isn’t a mark on who we are. He suggests trying to accept that loneliness isn’t our fault. Instead, it’s “a signal that there’s a kind of connection you need.”

Dr. Nobel suggests a few ways we canalleviate our feelings of loneliness:

What This Means For YouLoneliness doesn’t indicate inadequacy or some innate flaw on our part, it’s just a sign that we need a little extra TLC. If you’re finding that loneliness is frequent or debilitating, it may be time to reach out to amental health professional.

What This Means For You

Loneliness doesn’t indicate inadequacy or some innate flaw on our part, it’s just a sign that we need a little extra TLC. If you’re finding that loneliness is frequent or debilitating, it may be time to reach out to amental health professional.

Loneliness and Mental Health Distress Have a Cyclical Relationship

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychiatric Association.Taking on the Public Health Threat of Loneliness and Social Isolation.Mansfield L, Victor C, Meads C, et al.A Conceptual Review of Loneliness in Adults: Qualitative Evidence Synthesis.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2021;18(21):11522. Published 2021 Nov 2. doi:10.3390/ijerph182111522Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Loneliness and social isolation linked to serious health conditions.

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychiatric Association.Taking on the Public Health Threat of Loneliness and Social Isolation.Mansfield L, Victor C, Meads C, et al.A Conceptual Review of Loneliness in Adults: Qualitative Evidence Synthesis.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2021;18(21):11522. Published 2021 Nov 2. doi:10.3390/ijerph182111522Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Loneliness and social isolation linked to serious health conditions.

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

American Psychiatric Association.Taking on the Public Health Threat of Loneliness and Social Isolation.Mansfield L, Victor C, Meads C, et al.A Conceptual Review of Loneliness in Adults: Qualitative Evidence Synthesis.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2021;18(21):11522. Published 2021 Nov 2. doi:10.3390/ijerph182111522Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Loneliness and social isolation linked to serious health conditions.

American Psychiatric Association.Taking on the Public Health Threat of Loneliness and Social Isolation.

Mansfield L, Victor C, Meads C, et al.A Conceptual Review of Loneliness in Adults: Qualitative Evidence Synthesis.Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2021;18(21):11522. Published 2021 Nov 2. doi:10.3390/ijerph182111522

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.Loneliness and social isolation linked to serious health conditions.

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