It means that people tend to end up in relationships where they are treated as well or as poorly as they believe they merit. If someone thinks they are undeserving of real love and affection, they may accept a toxic or abusive partner instead. The quote suggests we must believe we deserve goodness before we can have it.
Split image with a couple frustrated and facing away from each other on one side and lovingly embracing on the other side
You learn about love from the moment you’re conceived; you learn how love feels and what conditions are set upon it. That’s the meaning ofwe accept the love we think we deserve– your early experiences determine the love you know, seek, and believe you deserve.
If you are treated with respect and love, yourself-imagewill be largely positive (or realistic). If you’re mistreated, neglected, and abandoned, your self-image will be negatively distorted.
Because you believe that the way others perceive and treat you is a reflection of the person you are, you believe you deserve whatever treatment you get.
These aren’t necessarily conscious processes; they mostly happen on a subconscious and automatic level. That’s why we often don’t question our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and only realize that something’s off when we observe other people or another person questions our decisions.
You might see how other parents are towards their children, or someone might ask you, “Why do you always date people who treat you like dirt?”
Without necessarily realizing it, we all accept the love we think we deserve. In this article, I will explore the reasons whywe accept the love we think we deservein more detail and offer some advice on how to overcome it.
How Attachment Style Influences Relationship Choices
For infants and children to survive, they must attach to their caregiver(s). Thisdynamic processbetween a child and its caregiver influences how they feel and behave in life and relationships.
Attachment styleis the blueprint for how we relate to other people and the world.
You will likely develop asecure attachment styleif your family life is supportive, nurturing, and loving. Your self-esteem and self-worth are healthy, and you believe you deserve loving and supportive relationships.
If you have an insecure attachment style (anxious,avoidant, ordisorganized), your early environment didn’t fulfill your emotional and development needs appropriately.
Here is an example of how that might play out:
Lily grew up fearing her father. He was impatient, volatile, and aggressive. Although he provided no affection or support, he had extremely high expectations of her academic performance. When she was top of her class, he would praise her; if her grades were anything less than perfect, he would scold her. He treated her mother with the same disdain and impatience, and they separated when she was still young.
Growing up in this environment led her to develop an insecure attachment style and instilled the beliefs that she is:
How Self-Verification Theory Influences Relationship Choices
Self-verification theorysuggests that we want others to know and understand us according to the firmly held beliefs and feelings we have about ourselves.
According to this theory, a person with negative self-views (e.g., “I am unlovable”) will seek out and commit to a partner whose appraisal aligns with these views – because it provides a stable and consistent sense of reality and self.
Of course, it works the other way too: if we hold positive views about ourselves, we want a partner who views and treats us accordingly.
Therefore, self-verification can be good and enhance commitment and relationship satisfaction, provide validation, and lead to a deeper emotional connection. If the self-views are very negative, however, it can reinforce these negative views and limit personal growth and change.
“In the context of relationships, self-verification serves as a foundation that strengthens the bond between partners, but it should be approached with caution, particularly when concerning negative self-views.” – Johnson and Greenberg (2020)
Self-verification also leads to biased appraisal of people’s intentions and behaviors and self-fulfilling prophecies. That is, you look for information that will confirm your beliefs and behave in ways that will make your fears more likely to happen.
Here’s an example of how this can manifest in relationships:
Matt’s parents loved him and treated him with respect and affection. He had everything he wanted and enjoyed a happy childhood. Over the years, however, his parents’ relationship turned more and more distant, and they argued frequently, though they were always careful to put on a happy face when Matt and his siblings were around.
One day, his mother announced that his father was leaving, that he had found another partner and would be moving in with her and her children. He left and hardly visited Matt and his siblings. His mother became severely depressed and struggled to engage with her children. He essentially lost both of his parents, which made him feel abandoned and lonely.
Once Matt started dating, he was filled with anxiety that he couldn’t quite explain. His boyfriends were kind, respectful, and affectionate, but there was always an underlying anxiety, a sense that they’d turn around any minute and leave.
He looked for signs that they were cheating on him, second-guessed everything they said, and pushed them away. Eventually, they’d leave and Matt’s fears were confirmed: “Everybody always leaves me.”
Although Matt did believe he was worthy of love and had partners who confirmed this belief, it was mixed with a sense that the people he loves eventually abandon him.
As this belief formed part of his self-image, he looked for information that confirmed it (self-verification). He negatively interpreted and second-guessed their intentions and behaviors (bias) and behaved in ways that made it more likely they would leave (self-fulfilling prophecy).
In Summary
Ourearly experiences of love and relationshipsgive us an understanding of our worth and what we believe we deserve. We develop an attachment style based on these early experiences and look for relationships that fulfill our unmet childhood needs.
Inevitably, however, we seek out relationships and partners who confirm our firmly held beliefs – negative or positive – as this gives us a stable sense of reality and self. So rather than healing our past wounds, these relationships further deepen negative beliefs.
Because this happens mostlysubconsciously, recovery involves bringing these processes into awareness, healing the inner child, and embarking on a journey of transformation.
How to Start Accepting the Love YouActuallyDeserve
For you to seek and accept love that is healthy and allows you to grow and flourish, you must first become aware of your 1) attachment style 2) negative beliefs, and 3) maladaptive behaviors.
That means the first step is self-awareness.
Self-Awareness
For Lily, it was her relationship with John, who would burst into violent rage at the smallest thing, isolated her from friends, and almost had her fired from her job, that pushed her to seek professional help.
The therapist said to her, “You believe you deserve to be mistreated and don’t deserve to be happy or loved. You go for guys who treat you like your father did because you never experienced anything different. This is your concept of love so naturally, when someone treats you badly, you think it means they love you.”
Therapy is one way of bringing into awareness those beliefs and patterns that are subconscious but very influential and often damaging. But there are other strategies to build self-awareness, including:
Healing Childhood Wounds
Healing the past can be a difficult and long process, but it’s worthwhile as it will provide some clarity and closure.
Here are some ideas for healing childhood wounds:
Transformation
Although working on your childhood trauma is important and useful, there comes a point when you must focus on the present and the future and leave the past in the past.
This is called transformation and involves practicing self-acceptance, compassion, self-development, and self-care.
Self-acceptance and Compassion
Practicing self-acceptance means you accept yourself as you are, with all your positive and negative traits – you accept and love who you are unconditionally.
When you fully accept yourself and believe that despite it all, you are lovable and worthy, you will start wanting the best for yourself and accept love that reflects this.
Transformation is about positive change but it’s not about fighting or judging yourself.
If you’re constantly working on your growth, it can lead to shame, guilt, and self-deprecation if you have a bad day or don’t achieve everything you set yourself.
That’s why self-acceptance and compassion are important features of transformation because youtransformthe relationship you have with yourself. You become your own non-judgmental, kind, and forgiving best friend.
Here are a few techniques you can try:
Self-development
Self-development is about becoming the best version of yourself with the help of goal-setting and self-care. The aim is to build your self-worth and self-esteem so that you start accepting the love you actually deserve (not the love your negative beliefs think you deserve).
So self-development doesn’t mean only focusing on your relationship, although that is a big part; it means working on yourself in all aspects and connecting with the best version of yourself.
First, you must establish who the best version of yourself is. What are you doing? Where are you living and working? What are your relationships like? How do you feel?
Visualize this version of yourself and let go of any constraints you put on your dreams. Then, think about the steps you must take to get there. Every tiny step in the right direction will eventually lead to your goal.
Therefore: set goals, keep track of your activities, achievements, and draw-backs, find ways to get past obstacles, and always keep the vision in mind – especially when your motivation is low.
Self-Care
Self-careis an important aspect of self-acceptance and self-development. It means taking care of your emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical health.
Do something for your physical health like exercise, hiking/ walking, eating healthy, etc.
Learn new information, do a course, and read books to stimulate your intellectual needs.
The main thing is to focus on your well-being, feeling good about yourself and the person you are becoming, and doing all this with patience and compassion. When you respect and love yourself, you will enjoy healthier relationships and find the love you deserve.
Saul McLeod, PhD
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MRes, PhD, University of Manchester
Saul McLeod, PhD., is a qualified psychology teacher with over 18 years of experience in further and higher education. He has been published in peer-reviewed journals, including the Journal of Clinical Psychology.
Olivia Guy-Evans, MSc
BSc (Hons) Psychology, MSc Psychology of Education
Olivia Guy-Evans is a writer and associate editor for Simply Psychology. She has previously worked in healthcare and educational sectors.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of QueenslandAnna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
Anna DrescherMental Health WriterBSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher
Mental Health Writer
BSc (Hons), Psychology, Goldsmiths University, MSc in Psychotherapy, University of Queensland
Anna Drescher is a freelance writer and solution-focused hypnotherapist, specializing in CBT and meditation. Using insights from her experience working as an NHS Assistant Clinical Psychologist and Recovery Officer, along with her Master’s degree in Psychotherapy, she lends deep empathy and profound understanding to her mental health and relationships writing.
