Updated 10/22/2021You can’t go through life without having a bad day every now and then. Most of the time, it’s easy for us to tell ourselves that things happen, and not every day can be a great day. We trust that life will get better. Even though sometimes we have people or things to blame for our disappointments, we understand that often, nobody is really at fault. At times, we even need to acknowledge that we’re bringing some of our struggles upon ourselves.Then there are the people in the world who refuse to accept responsibility — who instead blame anyone and everyone else in their life forevery little thing that happens to them.This is a classic example ofvictim mentality. When someone feels that the world is out to get them, that they’re totally helpless and have no control over what happens to them, they’re in what’s known as a victim mentality mindset.What exactlyisvictim mentality? What causes this mindset? What are the signs and symptoms? Most importantly, how do you address it? Keep reading to learn everything you need to know about victim mentalities.

Updated 10/22/2021

You can’t go through life without having a bad day every now and then. Most of the time, it’s easy for us to tell ourselves that things happen, and not every day can be a great day. We trust that life will get better. Even though sometimes we have people or things to blame for our disappointments, we understand that often, nobody is really at fault. At times, we even need to acknowledge that we’re bringing some of our struggles upon ourselves.

Then there are the people in the world who refuse to accept responsibility — who instead blame anyone and everyone else in their life forevery little thing that happens to them.

This is a classic example ofvictim mentality. When someone feels that the world is out to get them, that they’re totally helpless and have no control over what happens to them, they’re in what’s known as a victim mentality mindset.

What exactlyisvictim mentality? What causes this mindset? What are the signs and symptoms? Most importantly, how do you address it? Keep reading to learn everything you need to know about victim mentalities.

“Victim Mentality” Defined

Victim mentality is when somebody can’t accept responsibility or admit their part in contributing to the bad things that happen to them. Instead, they constantly blame others for their problems in life.

Victim mentality thinking — deflecting responsibility for your own behavior, or viewing yourself as the victim of someone else’s actions — is an acquired personality trait that can have severely negative impacts.

“No one really consciously chooses to be a victim. It is more a way we fall into, and we fall into it because it works,” writes Kari Granger, CEO of The Granger Network, onMedium. “It becomes a strategy to deal with life  —  whether it is staying safe in one’s comfort zone, numbing oneself, finding company, getting attention, avoiding being responsible for something in one’s life, etc.”

A victim mindset can impact one’s own mental health as well as the people around them. It can be especially difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has a victim mentality. In her bookEmotional Freedom, Judith Orloff, M.D. writes that it can help to run through a mental checklist to determine if you’re dealing with a partner with a victim mentality. Some of the signs mentioned in her book include:

Orloff notes that three yeses or more signifies you may be dealing with a victim mentality.

Causes of Victim Mentality

It’s actually quite rare for people to develop a victim mentality out of nowhere. Most often, it stems from one or more of the following issues someone has dealt with in his or her life.

Betrayal

Betrayals can be extremely hard to get over. This can be particularly true when they happen often or repeatedly. Or if they’re the result of a parent or primary caretaker not living up to expectations. The long-term impact and repercussions of betrayal can make it very difficult for someone to trust others in the future, thus creating a victim mentality.

Survival

Past trauma

A victim mentality mindset can form as a response to very traumatic past experiences. Victimization can cause coping mechanisms to develop when theemotional pain of traumamakes someone feel trapped.

Past abuse

While not everybody who’s abused ends up with a victim mentality, it is common. It’s more typical in cases of sexual abuse when feelings of extreme shame and helplessness can translate into low self-esteem in the future.

Codependency

It can be extremely taxing to feel solely responsible for another person’s happiness.Codependency, where we feel responsible for someone else’s well-being, can sometimes lead to victim mentality.

Learned behavior

It’s not uncommon for people to emulate the behavior of adults who act like victims. If a parent continuously behaved as if the world was against them, or regularly complained about people who made things hard for them, it can be easy for some people to develop a victim mentality.

Manipulation

Those who are victims of manipulation and abuse can more easily begin to have a victim mentality themselves. Occasionally, someone might appear to actually enjoy the blame they put on others. They might seem to try making those around them feel guilty. The manipulation can be for the attention they get in response; however, it’s important to note that while manipulation can be related to victim mentality, it’s more commonly associated with a mental health condition known as anarcissistic personality disorder.

Signs of a Victim MentalityRecognizing the signs of victim mentality can help you learn how to navigate relationships with people who behave this way. Those who fall into the victim role often feel vulnerable. They believe that people in their lives — even people they should be able to inherently trust — are responsible for their pain and anguish. As a result, they tend to react in a number of ways.Refusing to look for solutionsIf someone you know refuses to look for possible (and often simple) solutions to the problems they face, it might be because they have a victim mentality.Most problems have solutions. If we look hard enough, we can usually find even small ways to improve situations. But those with a victim mentality typically show very little interest in trying to make positive changes in their life. Instead, they often:Reject offers of help.Wallow in misery longer than what might seem acceptable given the problem.Seem interested in feeling sorry for themselves.Avoiding responsibilityLack of responsibility or accountability is a big sign of victim mentality. Those who react with a victim mentality commonly:Place blame on othersMake excusesBlame situations for their problemsRefuse to take responsibilityHave a knee-jerk reaction to most problems with anit’s not my faultattitudeEngaging in negative self-talk or self-sabotageSomeone with a victim mentality might find it easy to absorb difficult or negative messages that result from their challenges. With every problem, there tends to be the same type of response. This can become more deeply embedded in an internal dialogue and eventually, the reaction just becomes a habit. The result can be an attempt to constantlyself sabotagerelationships or anything good happening in life. Some of the repeated reactions to any type of conflict might include feelings of:Why bother?I can’t do anything rightBad things always happen to meNobody cares about meI deserve every bad thing that happens to me in my in lifeI don’t deserve anything good in lifeThese are common examples of victim mentality thinking.Having a sense of powerlessnessIt’s not uncommon for people with a victim mentality to fundamentally believe they don’t have the power they need to change difficult situations in their life. This sense of powerlessness can make them feel like they can’t escape even mildly challenging things they experience.Lack of self-confidenceFeeling like a victim can stem from a lack of self-confidence that becomes a vicious circle. Because they feel like they’re not worthy of good things in life, they may engage in circular thought patterns that “prove” bad things will always happen to them. Low self esteem can exacerbate negative thinking. Even if they go out on a limb and try something, if they then fail, it can reinforce the idea that they don’t deserve to be happy.Being angry, frustrated, or resentfulConstantly feeling like a victim can have emotional repercussions, too. Those who live with a victim mentality often feel frustrated, angry, isolated, and lonely. They have a perception that the entire world, and everyone in their life, is against them. They can also feel very:Hurt about the idea that everyone is against themUpset because they believe nobody cares about themHopeless, like nothing will ever change for themResentful towards people who theybelievehave found success and happiness in life — note this may just be a perceived idea

Signs of a Victim Mentality

Recognizing the signs of victim mentality can help you learn how to navigate relationships with people who behave this way. Those who fall into the victim role often feel vulnerable. They believe that people in their lives — even people they should be able to inherently trust — are responsible for their pain and anguish. As a result, they tend to react in a number of ways.

Refusing to look for solutions

If someone you know refuses to look for possible (and often simple) solutions to the problems they face, it might be because they have a victim mentality.

Most problems have solutions. If we look hard enough, we can usually find even small ways to improve situations. But those with a victim mentality typically show very little interest in trying to make positive changes in their life. Instead, they often:

Avoiding responsibility

Lack of responsibility or accountability is a big sign of victim mentality. Those who react with a victim mentality commonly:

Engaging in negative self-talk or self-sabotage

Someone with a victim mentality might find it easy to absorb difficult or negative messages that result from their challenges. With every problem, there tends to be the same type of response. This can become more deeply embedded in an internal dialogue and eventually, the reaction just becomes a habit. The result can be an attempt to constantlyself sabotagerelationships or anything good happening in life. Some of the repeated reactions to any type of conflict might include feelings of:

These are common examples of victim mentality thinking.

Having a sense of powerlessness

It’s not uncommon for people with a victim mentality to fundamentally believe they don’t have the power they need to change difficult situations in their life. This sense of powerlessness can make them feel like they can’t escape even mildly challenging things they experience.

Lack of self-confidence

Feeling like a victim can stem from a lack of self-confidence that becomes a vicious circle. Because they feel like they’re not worthy of good things in life, they may engage in circular thought patterns that “prove” bad things will always happen to them. Low self esteem can exacerbate negative thinking. Even if they go out on a limb and try something, if they then fail, it can reinforce the idea that they don’t deserve to be happy.

Being angry, frustrated, or resentful

Constantly feeling like a victim can have emotional repercussions, too. Those who live with a victim mentality often feel frustrated, angry, isolated, and lonely. They have a perception that the entire world, and everyone in their life, is against them. They can also feel very:

How to Overcome a Victim Mentality

Addressing a victim mindset can feel overwhelming and exhausting, but the following tips can help you find a positive, healthy way to deal with it whether you’re trying to overcome it yourself, or you’re dealing with someone in your life who has a victim mentality.

Addressing someone else’s victim mentality

Addressing your own tendency for victim mentality

Whether you are stuck in a victim mindset or know someone who has a victim mentality, these tips can help break the cycle.

Sources:1. Granger K. How To Deal with the “Victim Mentality” in Others. Medium.https://medium.com/personal-growth/dealing-with-the-victim-mentality-in-others-a9d6f2270f72. Published 2016. Accessed October 1, 2021.2. Orloff M.D. J. How to Deal with a Victim Mentality. Judith Orloff MD.https://drjudithorloff.com/how-to-deal-with-a-victim-mentality/. Published 2019. Accessed October 1, 2021.3. Kaufman S. Unraveling the Mindset of Victimhood. Scientific American.https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/unraveling-the-mindset-of-victimhood/. Published 2020. Accessed October 1, 2021.4. Gabay R, Hameiri B, Lifschitz T, Nadler A. The Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood: The Personality Construct and its Consequences. Pers Individ Dif. 2020.https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886920303238

Sources:1. Granger K. How To Deal with the “Victim Mentality” in Others. Medium.https://medium.com/personal-growth/dealing-with-the-victim-mentality-in-others-a9d6f2270f72. Published 2016. Accessed October 1, 2021.

  1. Orloff M.D. J. How to Deal with a Victim Mentality. Judith Orloff MD.https://drjudithorloff.com/how-to-deal-with-a-victim-mentality/. Published 2019. Accessed October 1, 2021.

  2. Kaufman S. Unraveling the Mindset of Victimhood. Scientific American.https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/unraveling-the-mindset-of-victimhood/. Published 2020. Accessed October 1, 2021.

  3. Gabay R, Hameiri B, Lifschitz T, Nadler A. The Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood: The Personality Construct and its Consequences. Pers Individ Dif. 2020.https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886920303238

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