Use These 10 Phrases to Disarm a Narcissist

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsHow to Respond to a Narcissist10 Things to Say to Disarm a NarcissistSeek Help If You Need It

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

How to Respond to a Narcissist

10 Things to Say to Disarm a Narcissist

Seek Help If You Need It

Interacting with a narcissist can leave you feeling confused, frustrated, angry, upset, andused.Whether it’s a friend, family member, colleague, or neighbor, dealing with them can be difficult and leave you drained.

In fact, research shows us that the key traits ofnarcissism, i.e., self-centeredness and lack of empathy for others, can often hinder pleasant interactions with narcissists.

Experts in This ArticleAimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, ChicagoAlana Carvalho, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor

Experts in This Article

Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, ChicagoAlana Carvalho, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor

Read ahead for expert tips on how to respond to a narcissist. The experts also shared some phrases that can help you disarm a narcissist in a conversation or argument.

TL;DRWhen confronting a narcissist, it’s important to remain assertive and confident, so they can’t manipulate or gaslight you.Getting things in writing, keeping your responses brief, and stating your boundaries can be effective in disarming a narcissist.If the narcissist is showing signs of abusive behavior, it’s important that you seek help immediately rather than attempting to confront them—your safety is of utmost importance.

TL;DR

When confronting a narcissist, it’s important to remain assertive and confident, so they can’t manipulate or gaslight you.Getting things in writing, keeping your responses brief, and stating your boundaries can be effective in disarming a narcissist.If the narcissist is showing signs of abusive behavior, it’s important that you seek help immediately rather than attempting to confront them—your safety is of utmost importance.

When confronting a narcissist, it’s important to remain assertive and confident, so they can’t manipulate or gaslight you.

Getting things in writing, keeping your responses brief, and stating your boundaries can be effective in disarming a narcissist.

If the narcissist is showing signs of abusive behavior, it’s important that you seek help immediately rather than attempting to confront them—your safety is of utmost importance.

These are some strategies that can help you respond to a narcissist.

Stay Calm and Composed

Narcissists often try to provoke emotional reactions to gain a sense of control over others. They may resort tomanipulation, lies, or personal attacks to get a rise out of you.

Though it can be difficult in the moment, try your best to stay calm and composed when you’re dealing with them, to avoid giving them control over you.

Keep Your Responses Brief

When you interact with a narcissist, Carvalho recommends keeping your explanations as short and to the point as possible.

Alana Carvalho, LMHCWhen it comes to dealing with a narcissist, less is more. The less you give, the less they will have to use to manipulate you. The more information you provide, the more likely you are to get into a back-and-forth with them.

Alana Carvalho, LMHC

When it comes to dealing with a narcissist, less is more. The less you give, the less they will have to use to manipulate you. The more information you provide, the more likely you are to get into a back-and-forth with them.

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them

Narcissists tend to have excessive expectations from you, whether it‘s regarding your work, your appearance, or something else, says Dr. Daramus. You may find yourself struggling to meet their expectations and needing to set boundaries in order to protect yourself.

Dr. Daramus recommends thinking through theboundariesyou want to set with them—based on what’s realistic for you—and writing them down, so you can refer to your notes and stand your ground when the narcissist is trying to bully or manipulate you.

Get Them to Commit to Things in Writing

It can be helpful to get things in writing so you have proof of the truth. “Try to get them to text or email you their expectations and ideas, so that if they try to claim they said something different later on, you have it in their own words,” says Dr. Daramus.

For instance, Dr. Daramus recommends saying:

Remember That Their Behavior Isn’t Your Fault

Narcissists can bevicious, and their anger or rejection is going to be out of proportion to anything you‘ve done, says Dr. Daramus.

Remember that none of their behavior is your fault,evenif you’ve made some kind of mistake.—AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD

Remember that none of their behavior is your fault,evenif you’ve made some kind of mistake.

—AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD

Can a Narcissist Change?

If you find yourself in an argument or confrontation with a narcissist, Carvalho suggests some phrases that can help you disarm them. She also explains how each of these phrases can help you diffuse the situation and disengage from it.

That doesn’t work for me.

Narcissists may try to make decisions for you without consulting you. It’s important to speak up for yourself and let them know if you’re not OK with what they’ve decided.

I can understand how you feel, but I feel differently.

You don’t need to try to prove who is right or wrong. You can feel and see a situation differently and that’s fine. Trying to prove your point will give them more ammunition to use against you.

I don’t see myself that way.

I remember it differently.

I will only have a conversation with you about this if you’re willing to listen and try to understand my perspective.

Setting boundaries for the conversation upfront can help ensure that the conversation is more respectful. Otherwise, you don’t have to discuss that particular subject with them.

I’m not going to explain why this is important to me but it is.

Sometimes, we need to put a boundary in place with a narcissist but we have to be mindful that when we explain why, it gives them an opportunity to manipulate or gaslight us. In such situations, you can uphold what’s important to you without giving big explanations.

I’m not willing to talk about that.

If a narcissist brings up a subject that they know you don’t want to talk about, it’s important toassertthat you’re not willing to engage with them. You don’t have to justify your reasons for not wanting to discuss it.

If you continue to speak to me like that, I will walk away.

If the conversation is becomingtoxic, you need to make it clear that you will not tolerate their disrespect. State your boundaries clearly but firmly.

I’m going to step away from this conversation.

It’s important to stick to your boundaries. Realize when you need to disengage and step away to get clarity.

Thank you for inviting me, but I’m not available.

If you want to sever contact with the narcissist, politely but firmly let them know that you’re not available or interested.

17 Signs You’re in a Narcissistic Marriage or Relationship

If you’re struggling todeal with a narcissist, it can be helpful to reach out to friends, family members, or a mental health professional for support. They can offer emotional validation, help you maintain your sense of reality, and support you while you set boundaries to protect yourself.

Narcissistic behavior can often cross the line and turn intoabuse. If you live with a narcissistic abuser, there are resources that can help.

If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic abuse, contact theNational Domestic Violence Hotlineat1-800-799-7233for confidential assistance from trained advocates. If you are in immediate danger, call911.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

Verywell Loved: Unpacking What Is—and Isn’t—Narcissism in a Relationship

4 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB.Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness.Behav Med. 2017;43(3):156-164. doi:10.1080/08964289.2017.1301875Zhang S, Kim YK, Fingerman KL, Birditt KS, Charles ST.Narcissism, social experiences, and mood in late life.J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci. 2022;77(8):1442-1453. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbac019Kim S, Warren E, Jahangir T, et al.Characteristics of intimate partner violence and survivor’s needs during the COVID-19 pandemic: Insights from Subreddits related to intimate partner violence.J Interpers Violence. 2023;38(17-18):9693-9716. doi:10.1177/08862605231168816Grapsas S, Brummelman E, Back MD, Denissen JJA.The “why” and “how” of narcissism: A process model of narcissistic status pursuit.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2020;15(1):150-172. doi:10.1177/1745691619873350

4 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB.Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness.Behav Med. 2017;43(3):156-164. doi:10.1080/08964289.2017.1301875Zhang S, Kim YK, Fingerman KL, Birditt KS, Charles ST.Narcissism, social experiences, and mood in late life.J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci. 2022;77(8):1442-1453. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbac019Kim S, Warren E, Jahangir T, et al.Characteristics of intimate partner violence and survivor’s needs during the COVID-19 pandemic: Insights from Subreddits related to intimate partner violence.J Interpers Violence. 2023;38(17-18):9693-9716. doi:10.1177/08862605231168816Grapsas S, Brummelman E, Back MD, Denissen JJA.The “why” and “how” of narcissism: A process model of narcissistic status pursuit.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2020;15(1):150-172. doi:10.1177/1745691619873350

Kacel EL, Ennis N, Pereira DB.Narcissistic personality disorder in clinical health psychology practice: case studies of comorbid psychological distress and life-limiting illness.Behav Med. 2017;43(3):156-164. doi:10.1080/08964289.2017.1301875Zhang S, Kim YK, Fingerman KL, Birditt KS, Charles ST.Narcissism, social experiences, and mood in late life.J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci. 2022;77(8):1442-1453. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbac019Kim S, Warren E, Jahangir T, et al.Characteristics of intimate partner violence and survivor’s needs during the COVID-19 pandemic: Insights from Subreddits related to intimate partner violence.J Interpers Violence. 2023;38(17-18):9693-9716. doi:10.1177/08862605231168816Grapsas S, Brummelman E, Back MD, Denissen JJA.The “why” and “how” of narcissism: A process model of narcissistic status pursuit.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2020;15(1):150-172. doi:10.1177/1745691619873350

Zhang S, Kim YK, Fingerman KL, Birditt KS, Charles ST.Narcissism, social experiences, and mood in late life.J Gerontol B Psychol Sci Soc Sci. 2022;77(8):1442-1453. doi:10.1093/geronb/gbac019

Kim S, Warren E, Jahangir T, et al.Characteristics of intimate partner violence and survivor’s needs during the COVID-19 pandemic: Insights from Subreddits related to intimate partner violence.J Interpers Violence. 2023;38(17-18):9693-9716. doi:10.1177/08862605231168816

Grapsas S, Brummelman E, Back MD, Denissen JJA.The “why” and “how” of narcissism: A process model of narcissistic status pursuit.Perspect Psychol Sci. 2020;15(1):150-172. doi:10.1177/1745691619873350

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Experts in This Article#

TL;DR#

Stay Calm and Composed#

Keep Your Responses Brief#

Alana Carvalho, LMHC#

Set Boundaries and Stick to Them#

Get Them to Commit to Things in Writing#

Remember That Their Behavior Isn’t Your Fault#