Unpacking the 36 Questions That Lead to Love: Why and How They Work

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsThe Science Behind the 36 QuestionsHow the Questions WorkHow to Use the 36 QuestionsThe 36 Questions: A BreakdownBenefits of Using the 36 QuestionsResponses to the 36 QuestionsFrequently Asked QuestionsAdditional ResourcesOther Ways to Build Intimacy

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

The Science Behind the 36 Questions

How the Questions Work

How to Use the 36 Questions

The 36 Questions: A Breakdown

Benefits of Using the 36 Questions

Responses to the 36 Questions

Frequently Asked Questions

Additional Resources

Other Ways to Build Intimacy

Close

Loveoften seems like a mystery, but what if there was a way to make falling in love a little bit easier? Psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues formulated what are often referred to as “36 questions that lead to love” as a way to speed up the process of developingintimacy—and some say such questions can even help inspire love. In Aron’s study, the questions didn’t just help two people get to know each other better; they actually led to marriage for one set of participants.

The 36 questions Aron developed are structured to create deeper conversations between people. The questions are initially less personal but gradually require more meaningful,vulnerableresponses. By engaging in this type of intimate dialogue, people can foster greater understanding, connections, and intimacy in their relationship.

Today, these 36 questions are often touted as a scientifically proven way to forge a closer connection between people, but is that really true? Such questionscanbuild trustand closeness in relationships, but such questions alone aren’t a surefire shortcut to love.

At a GlanceThe so-called 36 questions that lead to love involve a  progressively more intimate conversation that can help people learn more about each other and potentially foster greaterinterpersonal closeness. This type of mutual self-disclosure tends to happen naturally in relationships as people grow closer, but this structured set of questions attempts to speed up the process. However, some people may find the format rigid and artificial, and some questions can be triggering or upsetting. Before you try the 36 questions, learn more about what the questions can (and can’t) do and explore tips for having this type of conversation with your partner.

At a Glance

The so-called 36 questions that lead to love involve a  progressively more intimate conversation that can help people learn more about each other and potentially foster greaterinterpersonal closeness. This type of mutual self-disclosure tends to happen naturally in relationships as people grow closer, but this structured set of questions attempts to speed up the process. However, some people may find the format rigid and artificial, and some questions can be triggering or upsetting. Before you try the 36 questions, learn more about what the questions can (and can’t) do and explore tips for having this type of conversation with your partner.

40 Questions to Build Intimacy in a Relationship

Aron’s Study

Arthur Aron, asocial psychologist, developed the 36 questions for his research on ways to forge interpersonal closeness. The study aimed to determine if a structured set of questions involving mutual self-disclosure could help facilitate this process.

Self-disclosureis an essential part of all close relationships. As relationships form, people typically gradually engage in progressive, reciprocal self-disclosure that is believed to foster closer connections.Aron’s questions aim to hasten this process.

In a podcast episode forScientific American, Aron explained that the whole purpose of the questions is to help people feel closer in a relatively short period of time.

“That’s not the same thing as being in love,” he noted. “Love has, you know, sort of another whole component of desire for deep connections. And in the case of romantic love, it usually involves sexuality and things like that. So it’s not quite the same thing.”

The 36 questions are structured into three sets. The first questions are more casual and less intimate. As the questions progress, they become more personal and focus on topics that require people to be more open, honest, andvulnerable.

In Aron’s study, pairs of participants took turns asking each other these questions, and at the end of the session, they spent several minutes making sustained eye contact.

In the original study, the first couple who attempted the questions were research assistants who worked in Aron’s lab. They were involved in other research and did not know what the study was about. The two ended up falling in love and getting married.

The results of Aron’s research indicate that this type of structured, progressive mutual self-disclosure can indeed lead people to feel closer and more connected.

While it is often portrayed as a sure-fire process to building love, it’s important to note that it doesn’t guarantee people will fall in love. It does demonstrate how intentional communication can help people build emotional connections - which can play an important part in helping people fall in love.

If you want to try using the 36 questions to help form a deeper, more meaningful relationship, it’s important to first create a safe, comfortable space to have this type of honest conversation.

Choose the Right Setting

Make sure you’re in a relaxed, private place when you have the conversation. Find somewhere you both feel at ease and where there are few distractions.

Talk About the Rules

Before you start the 36 questions, lay out some ground rules about how the conversation will go. Don’t try to spring the questions on someone who isn’t aware of the purpose of this conversation. Talk about the questions first, and make sure they feel comfortable having this type of honest, vulnerable conversation.

Ask the Questions in Order

The questions are structured in a specific order, so it is important to follow along exactly as they are presented. The first set are more casual, but they become increasingly personal as the conversation goes on.

Listen to Your Partner

When the other person is answering each question, practicelistening activelyto show that they have your full attention. Maintain eye contact and show that you have a genuine interest in what they have to say. Try not to interrupt while they are talking.

Be Honest

Don’t avoid sharing yourhonestreactions and personal experiences. The purpose of the conversation is to disclose intimate details about your experiences, emotions, thoughts, and aspirations. Honesty is the key to success.

Validate Emotions

As the questions become more personal, some of them may lead to emotional responses. Be sensitive to what your conversation partner is sharing and respond withempathy. Let them know you are there to listen and try tovalidate their emotions.

Take Breaks

If the conversation becomes too intense or overwhelming, it’s okay to take a break. Both people need to feel comfortable, so do what you need to help each individual feel safe throughout the conversation.

Reflect

Once the conversation is over, take some time to reflect on the experience. Talk about the feelings it evoked and any insights you have gained. Consider how the conversation has affected your relationship and how you feel about the other person in light of this experience.

Be mindful of boundariesSubsequent research has shown that increasing self-disclosure can have positive effects on relationships. In some cases, it can build trust and rapport. Excessive or inappropriate self-disclosure, however, is often considered a violation of boundaries.That’s why it’s important to talk aboutboundaries, comfort level, and ground rules before asking such questions.

Be mindful of boundaries

Subsequent research has shown that increasing self-disclosure can have positive effects on relationships. In some cases, it can build trust and rapport. Excessive or inappropriate self-disclosure, however, is often considered a violation of boundaries.That’s why it’s important to talk aboutboundaries, comfort level, and ground rules before asking such questions.

The 36 questions are divided into three sets of 12. Take turns answering the questions in order. It should take about an hour to complete all 36.

Set 1

The goal of these first 12 questions is to help build closeness between conversation partners. Note how the questions start out less personal, more like something you might ask someone on a first date, before gradually becoming more personal.

While this structured approach can feel more formal, this gradual deepening of the conversation is designed to foster greater intimacy. After completing the 36 questions, you might consider some follow-up questions to help inspire further discussion. Some examples include:How do you feel about the questions in this section?Are there any questions in this section that made you think about yourself differently?Are there any topics you’d like to explore in greater depth or clarify?

Set 2

The second set of questions are all about fostering a greater sense of intimacy. They explore things like personal experiences, values, and emotions

Don’t be surprised if you find this second set of questions more personal and even a bit challenging. These are the sorts of things you might discuss with a close friend or loved one, so the level of intimacy required to answer requires greater openness and honesty. Some follow-up questions you might ask after completing this section include:Did you have a particularly strong response to any of these questions?Is there anything else you’d like to share concerning any of these questions?How do you feel that our conversation so far has affected how close you feel to me?

Don’t be surprised if you find this second set of questions more personal and even a bit challenging. These are the sorts of things you might discuss with a close friend or loved one, so the level of intimacy required to answer requires greater openness and honesty. Some follow-up questions you might ask after completing this section include:

Set 3

Where the two previous sets of questions were about creating closeness and establishing intimacy, the third and final set is all about forging deeperemotional intimacy.

The questions in this set require a much greater level of vulnerability. They aren’t necessarily easy to answer and require looking within to share some of the innermost parts of yourself with your conversation partner. Some follow-up questions you might pose after completing this section include:Do you feel like answering these questions has brought us closer?Were there things you hesitated (or are still hesitant) to share?Did any emotions come up while answering these questions that surprised you?

The questions in this set require a much greater level of vulnerability. They aren’t necessarily easy to answer and require looking within to share some of the innermost parts of yourself with your conversation partner. Some follow-up questions you might pose after completing this section include:

Engaging in a question-based dialogue, whether it’s the 36 questions or just an honest conversation, can benefit relationship in a variety of ways:

Closer Connection

The structured nature of the 36 questions, starting with the less personal and progressively becoming more meaningful, mirrors the sort of dialogue that often happens more slowly between people.

As people share their own thoughts, feelings, and memories, and learn more about their partner, it’s normal to feel a sense of growing closeness.

Greater Vulnerability

Vulnerability is crucial forhealthy relationships. It allows people to be their authentic selves while breaking down emotional barriers that prevent people from being honest.

As the questions progress, people have to dig down deeper to reveal the tender parts of themselves. It helps create a space for true honesty, the foundation for trust.

Explore Compatibility

If you are in a new relationship, the 36 questions can help you learn much more about your partner—including their values, goals, and future plans. The conversation is an opportunity to learn more about them and considerwhether you are truly compatible.

If your goals, beliefs, andaspirationsare not aligned, it can keep you from investing in a relationship that might not be going anywhere.

Strengthen Your Connection

If you are in a long-term relationship, the 36 questions can be a great way to strengthen your existing bond. The questions are designed to elicit feelings of closeness. If you’ve started to drift apart or have even gotten a littlebored in your relationship, reconnecting can be a great way to bring some excitement back into the relationship.

Plus, it’s a great way to remind yourself that there are always new things to learn about one another, even if you have been together for years.

Since the publication of Catron’s viral NYT essay, other people have felt inspired to try the 36 questions in their own lives—with varying results.

Reader Amy Williams toldThe New York Timesthat she and her husband completed the questions over the course of two nights and found that the questions helped bring them closer. “It felt like dating again,” she suggested.

Other readers also reported that the questions did seem to help inspire love. While some found that the questions didn’t result in a lasting connection, the discussion these questions inspired helped them better understand how relationships develop and progress.

One Reddit reader reported that the questions did help them fall in love with a former partner. However, they noted that the questions may build a sense of intimacy that lacks long-term sustainability.

Other Reddit users reported finding the questions invasive, upsetting, and emotionally risky. Questions about a person’s most terrible memory, in particular, can betriggeringfor people who have experiencedtrauma.

Another reader pointed out another potential risk–asking your current partner these questions andfalling out of lovewith them as a result.

Frequently Asked QuestionsWhile the 36 questions are often described as a scientific way to guarantee that people fall in love, that’s not the case. This dialogue can help people fall in love as long as other elements of romantic love (such as attraction, compatibility, interest, availability, trust, and commitment) are already in place. In other words, these questions foster connections that might lead to love, but there’s no guarantee.While the original questions were developed to be completed in one session, people often report breaking up the questions over two or three different sessions. The key is to use them in a way that works for you.The questions were originally designed to foster interpersonal closeness between strangers. The questions can be adapted for use in various relationships. For example, they could potentially be adapted to help friends and family feel more connected.It’s vital for both people who take part in the conversation to feel comfortable. Talk beforehand about how you’ll handle questions that create discomfort. This might involve skipping certain questions, asking an alternative question, or taking a break from the conversation.If your relationship is floundering, having open and honest conversations can be helpful. However, the 36 questions are not a surefire way to fix relationship problems. Deep-rooted problems may require other solutions, including couples therapy. Exploring these questions in a therapeutic context might be beneficial.The 36 questions can be helpful in some situations, but there may be certain contexts or types of relationships where such questions would not be appropriate. Casual acquaintances, work colleagues, unwilling participants, or casual dating partners are a few examples. Such questions should also be avoided if there are highly sensitive topics that may be triggering or if a person has experienced a recent trauma or loss.

While the 36 questions are often described as a scientific way to guarantee that people fall in love, that’s not the case. This dialogue can help people fall in love as long as other elements of romantic love (such as attraction, compatibility, interest, availability, trust, and commitment) are already in place. In other words, these questions foster connections that might lead to love, but there’s no guarantee.

While the original questions were developed to be completed in one session, people often report breaking up the questions over two or three different sessions. The key is to use them in a way that works for you.

The questions were originally designed to foster interpersonal closeness between strangers. The questions can be adapted for use in various relationships. For example, they could potentially be adapted to help friends and family feel more connected.

It’s vital for both people who take part in the conversation to feel comfortable. Talk beforehand about how you’ll handle questions that create discomfort. This might involve skipping certain questions, asking an alternative question, or taking a break from the conversation.

If your relationship is floundering, having open and honest conversations can be helpful. However, the 36 questions are not a surefire way to fix relationship problems. Deep-rooted problems may require other solutions, including couples therapy. Exploring these questions in a therapeutic context might be beneficial.

The 36 questions can be helpful in some situations, but there may be certain contexts or types of relationships where such questions would not be appropriate. Casual acquaintances, work colleagues, unwilling participants, or casual dating partners are a few examples. Such questions should also be avoided if there are highly sensitive topics that may be triggering or if a person has experienced a recent trauma or loss.

If you are interested in reading more, Cantron published an essay memoir titled “How to Fall in Love With Anyone” that explores some of thepopular myths about romantic love.

There are also manycard games and booksbased on the concept of “icebreaker” questions to help inspire conversations. Some are designed to be fun activities for date nights, while others focus on inspiring meaningful conversations.

The 36 questions can be an interesting activity, but it’s not the only way toimprove communicationand build closeness in a relationship. Whether the relationship is new or old, some ways to enhance your connection can include:

Every couple is unique, so it is important to figure out what’s right for you. If you are just starting out, spending time together in shared interests is a great way to get to know each other and build connections.

If you’re trying torekindle a relationshipthat’s perhaps gotten a little stale,quality timecombined with intentional activities like focused discussions or therapy sessions can be a great option.

Keep in Mind

The idea that 36 questions might lead to love has become a popular idea, but your own results may vary. The structured format may feel stilted and unnatural to some people, while others may find some of the questions overly invasive.

While the questions themselves won’t necessarily lead to love, Aron suggests they can be a great way for couples to get to know each other.

If you’re interested in trying the 36 questions yourself, talk to your partner about what to expect and how to navigate any difficulties that might spring up during the conversation. The gradual vulnerability and emotional connection that the 36 questions inspire can help foster greater intimacy and understanding, so it might be worth exploring if you and your pattern feel comfortable with it.

Ultimately, perhaps the greatest takeaway is thatcommunication, self-disclosure, vulnerability, trust, and active listening are vital for loving relationships. Rather than focusing on a structured set of questions, consider ways you can incorporate these important qualities into your relationship.

8 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Aron A, Melinat E, Aron EN, Vallone RD, Bator RJ.The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: a procedure and some preliminary findings.Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 1997;23(4):363-377. doi:10.1177/0146167297234003

The New York Times.To fall in love with anyone, do this.

Berger CR, Roloff ME, Wilson SR, Dillard JP, Caughlin J, Solomon D, eds.The International Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Communication. 1st ed. Wiley; 2015. doi:10.1002/9781118540190.wbeic160

Scientific American.Love and the brain, part 1: The 36 questions, revisited.

Arroll B, Allen EC.To self-disclose or not self-disclose? A systematic review of clinical self-disclosure in primary care.Br J Gen Pract. 2015;65(638):e609-e616. doi:10.3399/bjgp15X686533

Lopez Portillo B.Disclosure reciprocity. In: Zeigler-Hill V, Shackelford TK, eds.Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. Springer International Publishing; 2020:1137-1139. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-24612-3_653

Reddit.What are your thoughts on the “36 questions to fall in love'? Have you tried it? What was your experience like? Outcome?

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