Understanding the BPD Favorite Person Relationship

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Is a BPD Favorite Person?Signs You Have A Favorite PersonSigns You Are a Favorite PersonWhat to Know About Being a BPD Favorite PersonHow to Draw Healthy Boundaries

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What Is a BPD Favorite Person?

Signs You Have A Favorite Person

Signs You Are a Favorite Person

What to Know About Being a BPD Favorite Person

How to Draw Healthy Boundaries

Close

Of the 1.4% of adults in the United Statesliving with BPD, a common thread that runs through them is a special connection to a person in their lives. This individual is often described as their ‘favorite person,' and may be anyone from a teacher to a best friend, or even a family member.

However, because of the nature of this condition, the favorite person connection may sometimes swing between extreme love and attachment to a strong dislike. This switch may occur when the person with BPD perceives that their emotional needs aren’t being adequately met.

This article discusses what it means for someone with BPD to have a favorite person, including how to recognize if you have one or if you are one. It also covers what you should know about being a BPD favorite person and what you can do to establish healthy boundaries.

While it’s normal to have a person that makes you happy with their presence and regular communication, a person with BPD views their favorite person (FP) as someone they cannot live without.

Why do people with BPD have a favorite person? People with BPD experience a great deal of emotional upheaval, and having a favorite person to turn to can be a source of support, comfort, and security.

Licensed therapist and BPD specialistLara Slimmer, LPC, NCC explains, “Individuals with borderline personality disorder metaphorically straddle a fence each day between normality and abnormality, tranquility and upheaval.” It is during these vulnerable periods that a person with BPD is most likely to reach out for support and stability from their favorite person.

The attachment to the favorite person is so strong that someone with BPD may consider extreme actions like moving cities or making threats to maintain their favorite person’s attention.

Jan Roberts, DSW, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker goes further to explain, “Unfortunately, most people with BPD have challenges in creating and sustaining safe, reciprocal relationships without having intense fears of abandonment and insecurity.”

Therefore, while a favorite person may provide some validation and comfort to someone with BPD, it becomes important to draw boundaries in the relationship to avoid unhealthy interactions.

You do not have to have a favorite person to be diagnosed with BPD, and this type of relationship can also occur with other types of personality disorders.

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In reaction to this, a person with BPD may conjure a close connection with a favorite person who becomes the object of their attention, adoration, and sometimes even indifference.

Counseling psychologist and psychotherapist,Shagoon Maurya, identifies signs that suggest a person with BPD has a favorite person:

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You Experience Jealousy

A favorite person is the center of attention of an individual living with BPD. This means they consider this person as a trusted friend, confidant, and counselor all wrapped in one. Dr. Robertsnotes that the person with BPD demonstrates an “anxious-preoccupied attachment style.”

This attachment may produce feelings of envy when a favorite person happens to spend time with others, compliment them, or place their time and feelings above that of the person with BPD.

Understandably, this can be demanding and isolating to a favorite person and is indicative of an unhealthy attachment.

You Need A lot of Attention

Maurya explains that a person with BPD can feel “an extreme need to seek constant supply of attention from the favorite person.”

In such cases, the favorite person is always expected to be available and attuned to the needs of the person with BPD. This means counting on the favorite person to:

All of these actions may be expected of the favorite person even if it’s inconvenient for the favorite person.

You Create Fantasies Around Them

In the eye of the person with BPD, their favorite person is unable to do anything wrong. In certain cases, to support this view, a person with BPD may make up a scenario where their favorite person is connected to them in the way the former aspires to connect with them.

This made-up world also positions the favorite person as being properly responsive to the emotional needs of a person with BPD.

You’re Eager to Please Them

A person with BPD may be so investedin their favorite person that they idealize the stances and opinions they happen to hold.

A person with BPD may adopt the preferred preferences of their favorite person. They may change their opinion of a sports team if their favorite person happens to be in favor of or against them. These changes are made to match with, or perhaps forge a closer bond with the favorite person.

You Swing Between Hot and Cold

Jan Roberts, DSW, LCSWAs a favorite person, if there is any sense of boundary setting or unmatched intensity of emotion within the favorite, the person with BPD will begin to vilify and may evenresort to abusive tactics.

Jan Roberts, DSW, LCSW

As a favorite person, if there is any sense of boundary setting or unmatched intensity of emotion within the favorite, the person with BPD will begin to vilify and may evenresort to abusive tactics.

RecapHow do you know if someone is your favorite person in BPD? Signs include:Feeling jealous when the person spends time with other peopleNeeding a lot of attention from that personCreating fantasies about themHaving a need to please that personShifting between idolizing and hating them

Recap

How do you know if someone is your favorite person in BPD? Signs include:Feeling jealous when the person spends time with other peopleNeeding a lot of attention from that personCreating fantasies about themHaving a need to please that personShifting between idolizing and hating them

How do you know if someone is your favorite person in BPD? Signs include:

It’s easy to consider the adoration and attention a favorite person receives, as signs of a harmless relationship, one that could be easily likened to having a best friend. However, the expectations placed on a favorite person, as well as downsides when these aren’t met can reveal the true nature of favorite person connection.

Maurya highlights signs that you might be someone’s favorite person below.

You’re Their First Point of Contact

Whether it’s in celebration of a work promotion, to complain about a headache, or to share thoughts about a new moisturizer—a favorite person is always updated, and the first to know about new developments in the person with BPD’s life.

You Feel Responsible for Their Mood Changes

A favorite person may feel a need to manage thefleeting moods of a person with BPD. At the first sign of annoyance, the favorite person may feel pressured to lighten their disposition. They may also find that they are relieved when the person with BPD reaches out in good spirits.

You Constantly Offer Reassurance

Because a person with BPD swivels between multiple emotions (i.e.,emotional dysregulation) and constant fear of abandonment,it is usually up to the favorite person to provide them with calm and assurance of love and appreciation.

You Feel Admired and Needed

A person with BPD considers their favorite person to be above wrong. They are never shy to express their feelings and will be sure to include their favorite person in daily decisions and activities.

The favorite person is usually aware of the considerable influence they wield over the choices a person with BPD makes, all of which can contribute to the favorite person feeling important to this one person.

You Think About Them When You Make Decisions

To avoid tantrums, and to ensure peace reigns with a person with BPD, a favorite person will find that they put the person with BPD into consideration when making decisions that might affect them.

To avoid getting sucked too deeply into the whirlpool of this attachment, it is important that a favorite person draws healthy boundaries. This will prevent manipulation into a longstanding and unhealthy situation with a person with BPD.

Signs You Might Be In an Unhealthy Relationship, And What to Do

How to Draw Healthy Boundaries as a Favorite Person

If you find that you’re someone’s designated favorite person, here are some ways that you can create healthy boundaries to protect your emotional health and theirs:

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A Word From Verywell

If you’re a friend, partner, or family member of someone with BPD and you’re their favorite person, remember to set healthy boundaries. If you have BPD and are in need ofmental health support, help is available to you.

If you or a loved one are struggling with BPD, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

If you or a loved one are struggling with BPD, contact theSubstance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helplineat1-800-662-4357for information on support and treatment facilities in your area.

For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database.

5 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Brüne M.Borderline Personality Disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52-66. Published 2016 Feb 28. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002NAMI.Borderline Personality Disorder.American Psychological Association.What causes personality disorders?.Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154Carpenter RW, Trull TJ.Components of emotion dysregulation in borderline personality disorder: a review.Curr Psychiatry Rep. 2013;15(1):335. doi:10.1007/s11920-012-0335-2

5 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Brüne M.Borderline Personality Disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52-66. Published 2016 Feb 28. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002NAMI.Borderline Personality Disorder.American Psychological Association.What causes personality disorders?.Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154Carpenter RW, Trull TJ.Components of emotion dysregulation in borderline personality disorder: a review.Curr Psychiatry Rep. 2013;15(1):335. doi:10.1007/s11920-012-0335-2

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

Brüne M.Borderline Personality Disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52-66. Published 2016 Feb 28. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002NAMI.Borderline Personality Disorder.American Psychological Association.What causes personality disorders?.Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154Carpenter RW, Trull TJ.Components of emotion dysregulation in borderline personality disorder: a review.Curr Psychiatry Rep. 2013;15(1):335. doi:10.1007/s11920-012-0335-2

Brüne M.Borderline Personality Disorder: Why ‘fast and furious’?.Evol Med Public Health. 2016;2016(1):52-66. Published 2016 Feb 28. doi:10.1093/emph/eow002

NAMI.Borderline Personality Disorder.

American Psychological Association.What causes personality disorders?.

Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154

Carpenter RW, Trull TJ.Components of emotion dysregulation in borderline personality disorder: a review.Curr Psychiatry Rep. 2013;15(1):335. doi:10.1007/s11920-012-0335-2

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