Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsSymptomsCausesEffectsTreatmentsCoping Strategies
Table of ContentsView All
View All
Table of Contents
Symptoms
Causes
Effects
Treatments
Coping Strategies
Relationships can be tough, especially if you have a lingering fear that the people you care about the most will leave you. Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming but unwarranted fear that people you love will leave you physically or emotionally.
This type ofrelationship anxietycan be a paralyzing feeling, and understanding why it happens isn’t always simple. The fear of abandonment is a complex phenomenon that can stem from a variety of developmental experiences, including loss andtrauma.
Verywell / Emily Roberts
Although it is not an official phobia, the fear of abandonment is arguably one of the most common and damaging fears. People with a fear of abandonment tend to display behaviors and thought patterns that affect their relationships. The result can be serious and devastating—in many cases, maladaptive coping strategies end up causing the very abandonment they dread.
Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment
In relationships, people with afear of abandonmenttend to:
Millions of people struggle with fear. In fact, nearly 10% of people in the U.S. have some sort of phobia.
What Causes of Fear of Abandonment?
Many theories surround the disorder’s origins. Generally, psychologists attribute fear of abandonment to experiences, beliefs, and concepts we internalized as children. A child who is denied basic, necessary comforts such as physical affection, emotional connection, and safety learns not totrust the permanenceof these in adulthood. Examples of contributory experiences might include:
This fear has been studied from a variety of perspectives. Interruptions in the normal development of certain cognitive and emotional capacities, challenges with past relationships, and other problematic social and life experiences and all been implicated as potential causes.
Anxious Attachment Style
4 Types of Attachment Styles
Mental Health Conditions
Fear of abandonment figures frequently and prominently in several mental health conditions, includingborderline personality disorder (BPD)andseparation anxiety disorder.
The fear of abandonment is a core symptom of borderline personality disorder, a condition that is often linked to traumatic life events and abandonment during childhood.
What Is BPD Abandonment?
Object Constancy
Inobject relations theory(an offshoot ofFreudian analysis), an “object” in one’s mind is a person, a part of a person, or something that somehow symbolizes one or the other. Object constancy is the concept that one’s experience of a person does not fundamentally change when the person is physically absent.
Traumatic events can interrupt object constancy. Death and divorce are common causes, but even situations that seem relatively unimportant to the adults involved can affect developing this critical understanding.
For example, children with neglectful parents, parents in the military, or parents who have little time to spend with them are also at risk for interrupted object constancy.
Archetypes and Mythology
Mythology is filled with stories of abandoned orrejectedlovers, primarily women who dedicate their entire selves to their partners, only to be left behind when the lovers go off to conquer the world.
Some psychologists, such asCarl Jung, argue that these myths and legends have become part of our collective unconscious. At some primal level, we have internalized certainarchetypesand stories, making them part of our shared worldview.
According to Jung, we each have a personal myth that is not shared with others but resides deep within our cores. It comprises our interpretations of the collective unconscious through the filters of our own experiences.
From this perspective, the fear of abandonment is connected to these universal myths but varies in severity according to our own personal memories.
Prior Experiences
By the time we are adults, most of us have been through some significant changes—a death of a loved one, a friend moving away, a relationship ending, a transition from high school to college to marriage and parenthood. Although most of us adapt to changing circumstances,getting stuck somewhere in the grieving processis common.
If you have been through a sudden and traumatic abandonment, such as losing someone to violence or tragedy, you might be at increased risk for developing this fear.
Impact of Fear of Abandonment
The fear of abandonment doesn’t look the same for everyone. Some people are afraid of losing romantic partners. Others fear abandonment in other relationships, like friendships.
While each person’s experience is unique, a typical relationship involving a person with abandonment issues might go through the following stages:
Getting To Know One Another
At this point, you feel relatively safe. You are not yet emotionally invested in the other person, so you continue to live your life while enjoying time together.
Honeymoon Phase
You choose to commit, willing to overlook possibleredoryellow flagsbecause you get along so well. You start spending a great deal of time with the other person and you always enjoy yourself. You start to feel secure.
Real Relationship
Real life intervenes. People get sick, have family problems, work difficult hours, worry about money, and need time to get things done. Although this is a normal, positive step in a relationship, it can terrify someone with a fear of abandonment who mistakenly perceives that you’re pulling away.
If you have this fear, you are probably battling with yourself and trying very hard not to express your worries for fear of appearingclingy.
The Slight
A seeming slight occurs—an unanswered text message, an unreturned phone call, or a request for a few days ofalone time.
Their Reaction
In ahealthy relationship, both partners would recognize the situation for what it is: a normal occurrence that has little or nothing to do with the relationship. Or they might address the resulting upset with a calm discussion or brief argument. Either way, a single perceived slight does not dominate the partner’s feelings in a healthy relationship.
Your Partner’s Reaction
Your sudden personality shift seems to come from out of left field. Your partner probably has no idea why their previously confident, laid-back partner is suddenly acting clingy and demanding, smothering them with attention, or pulling away altogether.
As with otherphobias, no one can simply talk someone out of their fear of abandonment. No matter how many times they are reassured, it will not be enough. Eventually, their behavior patterns and inconsolable reactions could drive others away, leading to the very conclusion the person feared most.
How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Impact a Relationship
Treatments for Fear of Abandonment
Several types of therapy are available to help manage and reduce abandonment issues:
Coping With a Fear of Abandonment
In other words, working through your fear and truly changing your thoughts and behaviors often requiresprofessional assistancefrom a therapist.
Cultivate a Sense of Belonging
Although treating the fear itself is critical, building a feeling ofbelongingis also essential. Rather than focusing all your energy and devotion on a single partner, focus on building a community. No one person can solve all of our problems or meet all of our needs. However, a solid group of several close friends can each play an important role in our lives.
Many people with a fear of abandonment state that they never felt like they had a “tribe” or a “pack” when they were growing up. For whatever reasons, they always felt “other” or disconnected from those around them. But the good news is that it’s never too late.
Find Like-Minded People
Whatever your current stage of life, it is important to surround yourself with other like-minded individuals. Make a list of your current hobbies, passions, and dreams. Then find others who share your interests.
While it is true that not everyone who shares an interest will become a close friend, hobbies and dreams are an excellent stepping stone toward building asolid support network. Working on your passions also helps buildself-confidenceand the belief that you are strong enough to cope with whatever life throws your way.
Practice Self-Compassion
It’s also important to treat yourself with kindness andcompassion.Negative thought patternscan undermine your confidence and increase your fear of abandonment. For example, you might think you’re not loveable or don’t deserve loyalty and commitment. Changing these thoughts to be more realistic and positive can help you better cope with a fear of abandonment.
Takeaways
The fear of abandonment can have a devastating effect on relationships. It can leave you struggling to form new attachments and trust others. This fear can also cause you to reject others before they have a chance to reject you. While this can be a serious problem, you can also use strategies to overcome your fear. Self-compassion and building a sense of belonging are important, but therapy is often the most effective option.
How to Deal With Abandonment Issues in Your Relationships
7 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Marici M, Clipa O, Runcan R, Pîrghie L.Is rejection, parental abandonment or neglect a trigger for higher perceived shame and guilt in adolescents?Healthcare (Basel). 2023;11(12):1724. doi:10.3390/healthcare11121724National Alliance on Mental Health.Understanding borderline personality disorder.Willis M, Nelson-Gray RO.Borderline personality disorder traits and sexual compliance: A fear of abandonment manipulation.Personality and Individual Differences. 2017;117:216-220. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2017.06.012Anxiety and Depression Association of America.Facts & Statistics.Skeen M.Love Me, Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships. New Harbinger Publications; 2014.Schoenfelder EN, Sandler IN, Wolchik S, Mackinnon D.Quality of social relationships and the development of depression in parentally-bereaved Yyouth.J Youth Adolesc. 2011;40(1):85-96. doi:10.1007/s10964-009-9503-zPalihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154
7 Sources
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Marici M, Clipa O, Runcan R, Pîrghie L.Is rejection, parental abandonment or neglect a trigger for higher perceived shame and guilt in adolescents?Healthcare (Basel). 2023;11(12):1724. doi:10.3390/healthcare11121724National Alliance on Mental Health.Understanding borderline personality disorder.Willis M, Nelson-Gray RO.Borderline personality disorder traits and sexual compliance: A fear of abandonment manipulation.Personality and Individual Differences. 2017;117:216-220. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2017.06.012Anxiety and Depression Association of America.Facts & Statistics.Skeen M.Love Me, Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships. New Harbinger Publications; 2014.Schoenfelder EN, Sandler IN, Wolchik S, Mackinnon D.Quality of social relationships and the development of depression in parentally-bereaved Yyouth.J Youth Adolesc. 2011;40(1):85-96. doi:10.1007/s10964-009-9503-zPalihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Marici M, Clipa O, Runcan R, Pîrghie L.Is rejection, parental abandonment or neglect a trigger for higher perceived shame and guilt in adolescents?Healthcare (Basel). 2023;11(12):1724. doi:10.3390/healthcare11121724National Alliance on Mental Health.Understanding borderline personality disorder.Willis M, Nelson-Gray RO.Borderline personality disorder traits and sexual compliance: A fear of abandonment manipulation.Personality and Individual Differences. 2017;117:216-220. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2017.06.012Anxiety and Depression Association of America.Facts & Statistics.Skeen M.Love Me, Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships. New Harbinger Publications; 2014.Schoenfelder EN, Sandler IN, Wolchik S, Mackinnon D.Quality of social relationships and the development of depression in parentally-bereaved Yyouth.J Youth Adolesc. 2011;40(1):85-96. doi:10.1007/s10964-009-9503-zPalihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154
Marici M, Clipa O, Runcan R, Pîrghie L.Is rejection, parental abandonment or neglect a trigger for higher perceived shame and guilt in adolescents?Healthcare (Basel). 2023;11(12):1724. doi:10.3390/healthcare11121724
National Alliance on Mental Health.Understanding borderline personality disorder.
Willis M, Nelson-Gray RO.Borderline personality disorder traits and sexual compliance: A fear of abandonment manipulation.Personality and Individual Differences. 2017;117:216-220. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2017.06.012
Anxiety and Depression Association of America.Facts & Statistics.
Skeen M.Love Me, Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships. New Harbinger Publications; 2014.
Schoenfelder EN, Sandler IN, Wolchik S, Mackinnon D.Quality of social relationships and the development of depression in parentally-bereaved Yyouth.J Youth Adolesc. 2011;40(1):85-96. doi:10.1007/s10964-009-9503-z
Palihawadana V, Broadbear JH, Rao S.Reviewing the clinical significance of ‘fear of abandonment’ in borderline personality disorder.Australas Psychiatry. 2019;27(1):60-63. doi:10.1177/1039856218810154
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