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Emotional attachmentis the sense of connection and affection you may feel for people you are close to. It is a basic human need.Attachment styles are a pretty buzzy concept right now when it comes to relationships, and you’ve probably considered whether you have an anxious, avoidant, or secure attachment style.
“When we are close to other people, a natural and important emotional response arises in us,” saysAdi Avivi, PsyD, CGP, a psychologist at Columbia University Medical Center.
“Emotional attachment helps us survive. Especially when we are young, if we are scared, hungry, or hurt, we must engage with others who can keep us safe. Just like children, adults also feel safer when they are with someone they trust. Adults too might feel distress and discomfort if they are separated from the people they are attached to,” says Avivi.
Apart from people, it’s also possible to be attached to animals, objects, places, habits, beliefs, dates, and memories.
At a Glance
Introspectingabout your attachment patterns or discussing them with people close to you can help you determine whether your attachment style is secure, avoidant, anxious, or some combination of these three.
Being mindful of your attachment tendencies or seeking therapy for them can help you work on your interpersonal skills and improve your relationships with the people you are close to.
Emotional Attachment Styles
Emotional attachment can encompass a range of experiences and emotional responses, says Avivi.
Adi Avivi, PsyD, CGPYou might have a different emotional attachment style with different people in your life.
Adi Avivi, PsyD, CGP
You might have a different emotional attachment style with different people in your life.
Avivi outlines the differentattachment stylesbelow. According to her, your emotional attachment pattern might lean toward a particular style, depending on your inherent disposition and your experiences with caregivers.
Secure Attachment
People who are secure in their attachment feel comfortable relying on others and letting others come close to them. They are also comfortable when others rely on them and enjoy becoming a part of others’ lives.
Being securely-attached means that one can also be separated. Times apart are tolerated and even enjoyed.
When the loved one returns, it is easy for a securely-attached person to welcome them back and feel close again.
Avoidant Attachment
If one tends to be avoidant in their attachment style, they might feel uncomfortable with closeness.
Avoidant-attachedpeople have an extreme need for self-reliance. Feeling dependent on others causes them distress. They might keep their distance and even ignore others’ attempts to create closeness and intimacy. It might be tough for them to meet others’ needs for security and comfort, and when a loved one pulls away, they might actually feel relieved.
Signs of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
Anxious Attachment
Anxiously-attachedpeople tend to want a lot of closeness and become hurt, scared, and emotionally dysregulated when a loved one is not close. They might try to push for closeness because any separation feels like a rejection orabandonmentto them.
Anxiously-attached people often worry that they are not really loved. They repeatedly seek reassurance that they are wanted and might therefore come across as insecure, demanding, or evenclingy.
When the loved one is away, an anxiously-attached person mightruminateabout it, feeling angry and disappointed with their partner. When the loved one comes back, it is hard for the anxiously-attached person to trust again. They might “test” their partner or even punish them, even though they long to be together and feel intimacy and warmth.
How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Impact a Relationship
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Emotional Attachment
If you’re wondering whether your attachment style is healthy orunhealthy, Avivi recommends asking yourself the following questions:
Mindful MomentNeed a breather? Take this free7-minute meditation focused on releasing attachment—or choose from ourguided meditation libraryto find another one that will help you feel your best.
Mindful Moment
Need a breather? Take this free7-minute meditation focused on releasing attachment—or choose from ourguided meditation libraryto find another one that will help you feel your best.
Coping With an Insecure Attachment Style
Consequences of Unhealthy Attachment
There are certainly negative outcomes if you are engaged in an unhealthy attachment style with the people in your life. For example, Avivi mentions that people who have not found the connection they are looking for often feel lonely and disappointed. And, some people stay in toxic relationships because they fear being alone.
Adi Avivi, PsyD, CGPIf you are unaware of your attachment style, you might find yourself frustrated and confused when it comes to relationships—especially romantic relationships.
If you are unaware of your attachment style, you might find yourself frustrated and confused when it comes to relationships—especially romantic relationships.
Avivi notes that if you’rescared of closeness, you might have distorted ideas about dependency and not let yourself rely on others, even when letting them in could bring you joy and fill your life with meaning.
Working on Your Attachment Style
“Your attachment system is hard-wired; the way you engage with others is rooted in your survival mechanisms. However, you can learn to trust it when it is effective and slow down and choose to act differently when it is not,” says Avivi.
Working on your attachment style can help you cope with your urges, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, so that you can develop theinterpersonal connectionsyou want, according to Avivi. She says it can also help you make wise, long-term choices in your relationships.
Avivi suggests some steps you can take to improve your emotional attachment patterns.
Seek Psychotherapy
Working with a compassionate and thoughtful psychotherapist can help you better understand why you act in certain ways and make certain choices.Psychotherapycan also help you learn new interpersonal skills.
Try Group Therapy
Group therapyis a highly effective way to explore and work on emotional attachment. In a group, your interpersonal style will emerge naturally and you can enrich your understanding of how you affect others and how they affect you.
Ask Friends and Family
If you are unsure of your attachment style, you can talk to important people in your life about what it’s like to be close to you.
You can ask them if they feel comfortable relying on you, whether they feel like you rely on them, how you manage disagreements or conflicts with them, and what it’s like for them when they need some space from you or when you need space from them.
Their answers might tell you if you should invest in exploring your emotional attachments more deeply.
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1 SourceVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Hong YR, Park JS.Impact of attachment, temperament and parenting on human development.Korean J Pediatr. 2012;55(12):449-454. doi:10.3345/kjp.2012.55.12.449
1 Source
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.Hong YR, Park JS.Impact of attachment, temperament and parenting on human development.Korean J Pediatr. 2012;55(12):449-454. doi:10.3345/kjp.2012.55.12.449
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Hong YR, Park JS.Impact of attachment, temperament and parenting on human development.Korean J Pediatr. 2012;55(12):449-454. doi:10.3345/kjp.2012.55.12.449
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