Understanding and Healing From Emotional Incest

Table of ContentsView AllTable of ContentsWhat Emotional Incest Looks LikeExamplesWhy It HappensHarmsImpactHow to Heal

Table of ContentsView All

View All

Table of Contents

What Emotional Incest Looks Like

Examples

Why It Happens

Harms

Impact

How to Heal

Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, is a form ofemotional abusewhere a parent or primary caregiver treats their child like a romantic partner, relying on them for the emotional support a partner would typically provide.Unlike other forms of incest, emotional incest isn’t physical orsexual. However, it involves putting a child in an adult emotional role before they’re ready, saysAimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist.While other forms of incest can involve various biological relatives, such assiblings, this form of incest is specific to the relationship between a child and a primary caregiver, such as a parent, saysAngeleena Francis, LMHC, executive director for AMFM Healthcare.In this article, we explore what emotional incest looks like, why it happens, how it can be harmful, and some strategies to help parents and children heal from it.Experts in This ArticleAimee Daramus, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologistAngeleena Francis, LMHC, therapist and executive director for AMFM HealthcareWhat Emotional Incest Looks LikeThese are some signs that could indicate an emotionally incestuous relationship, according to the experts:Being emotionally dependent on the child:The parent burdens the child with the weight of the stressors they are dealing with and depends on them for emotional support and security, says Francis.Oversharing with the child:Another sign is that the parent confides adult matters to a child, says Dr. Daramus.Oversharing or trauma dumpingon the child can be overwhelming for them.Being over-involved in the child’s life:The parent wants to know everything about the child’s life, and the child doesn‘t have age-appropriate privacy, says Dr. Daramus. The parent doesn’t respect the child’s personal space or boundaries.Monopolizing the child’s life:The parent monopolizes the child’s life and expects the child to restrict their friendships and activities to meet the parent’s emotional needs, says Dr. Daramus.Making the child responsible for their well-being:The parent may imply that the child is responsible for the parent’s emotional well-being, says Francis. The child may learn that their own emotional needs are secondary to the parent’s instead of the other way around.Manipulating the child:The parent may use manipulation tactics such asguiltor emotional threats to keep the child close to them.What Is Parentification?Examples of Emotional IncestThese are some examples of emotional incest:The parent vents to the child about their workplace difficulties, relying on the child for emotional support.The parent shares intimate details of their romantic relationships with the child, which can be confusing and uncomfortable for the child.The parent confides their marital problems to the child, which can be distressing for the child.The parent doesn’t respect their child’s privacy and reads their diary or messages.The parent expects the child to leave their activities and rescue them when they need emotional support.The parent undermines the child’s efforts to make friends, so they have the child’s undivided attention.The parent lays aguilt tripon the child when the child doesn’t comply with the parent’s wishes.The Impact of ‘Sharenting’: How Much Info Is Too Much?Why It HappensThese are some of the potential causes of emotional incest, according to the experts:Emotional immaturity:Parents who are emotionally immature may turn to their child for emotional support, says Dr. Daramus, instead of realizing that it’s supposed to be the other way around.Lack of support:Parents that do not have external emotional support may turn to their child for a false sense of emotional security, says Francis. This may include situations where parents are single or divorced.Distrust:Parents that have developedtrust issuesorabandonment issuesmay see their children as innocent and safe, and look to them for emotional security, says Francis. “Children are not able to leave their primary caregiver as they are dependent on them, which negates the possibility of the child abandoning the parent, making them feel safe.”Mental health conditions:Some parents may have untreated mental health conditions, substance use disorders, ortraumatic historiesand lean on their children emotionally as a result, says Dr. Daramus.How Emotional Abuse in Childhood Changes the BrainWhy Emotional Incest Is HarmfulEmotional incest can be harmful to the child’s mental and emotional development, causing them to experience anxiety and insecurity.Children should not be trying to fill adult roles. They need to be developing themselves, not helping adults develop.—AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYDChildren’s emotionaldevelopmentrequires a healthy attachment with their primary caregiver that offers emotional and physical safety and security, says Francis. “Placing a child in a position where they are responsible for their caregiver’s emotional stability creates insecurity in the child’s development.”Further, Dr. Daramus explains that children know that they aren‘t able to do adult jobs. “So, if the child can‘t do adult things, and the adult can’t do adult things, the child will feel anxious because no one seems to be in charge.”Dr. Daramus explains that while children can—and should—have some responsibilities, they need to be age-appropriate. “Children need space to be kids and mess up. They need to know that everything will still be OK and that the adults in charge can handle being adults.”Impact of Emotional IncestEmotional incest can affect a child’s development, and the impact can last well into adulthood.These are some of the ways that emotional incest can impact the child:Emotional difficulties:Children who have been victims of emotional incest may experience challenges with processing their emotions and prioritizing their own emotional needs, says Francis.Insecurity:If the child grows up still trying to meet the parent’s needs (and never seems to be able to do so), the child may grow upinsecure, says Dr. Daramus.Low self-esteem:The child may internalize the belief that their value lies in meeting others' emotional needs, leading to low self-esteem and a diminished sense ofself-worth.Impaired social skills:The child may struggle to form healthy relationships with their peers and have difficulty establishing boundaries with others due to the enmeshed nature of their parental relationship.Dysfunctional relationships:If the parent remains intrusive, it can sabotage the child’s adult relationships when partners or friends realize they’ll never be prioritized. Imagine going on a date and being informed that your date’s mother has already selected the movie and restaurant for you.Lack of autonomy:The child’s ability to make decisions, assert their own needs, take care of themselves, and develop a sense of independence may be hindered as they become overly dependent on the parent. As a result, the child may gravitate towardco-dependent relationshipsas an adult, says Francis.Victimization:Research shows that children who have had adverse experiences in childhood are at greater risk of being emotionally and sexually victimized as adults.Reduced life satisfaction:A 2021 study notes that children who experience emotional incest report decreased life satisfaction as adults.Signs of Emotional Abuse From ParentsHow to HealThe experts suggest some steps children can take to heal from emotional incest:Build healthy relationships:For children, building healthy relationships with adults and having a safe and secure emotional environment is the first step toward healing, says Francis.Set boundaries:The child has to learn how to prioritize themselves, says Dr. Daramus. “They have to learn toset limitson how much of their own life they‘ll give up to serve others’ needs.” She recommends therapy and support groups as a healthy way to learn boundary-setting.Seek therapy:Working through these issues with amental health professionalcan help children understand the impact of emotional incest, including how it has affected their emotional development, their adult relationships, and theirparenting style, says Francis. They can work with their therapist to develop coping skills and build healthier relationship patterns.The experts recommend some steps parents can take to cease engaging in emotional incest and heal:Get professional help:Parents may need to treat mental health problems and other issues in order to heal, says Dr. Daramus.Acknowledge the dynamic:If a parent recognizes that they have engaged in emotional incest, it’s important that they acknowledge that dynamic with the child, apologize, and work towards intentionally building a healthier parent-child relationship, says Francis. “Shifting as a parent without having an open discussion about it could lead to greater confusion and a sense of inadequacy in the child, as they may feel like they are no longer required in the role they have grown accustomed to.”Build a support system:Parents need to build a strongsupport systemof mutually supportive adult friendships to stop being emotionally dependent on their child, says Dr. Daramus.What Is Parentification?

Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, is a form ofemotional abusewhere a parent or primary caregiver treats their child like a romantic partner, relying on them for the emotional support a partner would typically provide.

Unlike other forms of incest, emotional incest isn’t physical orsexual. However, it involves putting a child in an adult emotional role before they’re ready, saysAimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist.

While other forms of incest can involve various biological relatives, such assiblings, this form of incest is specific to the relationship between a child and a primary caregiver, such as a parent, saysAngeleena Francis, LMHC, executive director for AMFM Healthcare.

In this article, we explore what emotional incest looks like, why it happens, how it can be harmful, and some strategies to help parents and children heal from it.

Experts in This ArticleAimee Daramus, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologistAngeleena Francis, LMHC, therapist and executive director for AMFM Healthcare

Experts in This Article

Aimee Daramus, PsyD, licensed clinical psychologistAngeleena Francis, LMHC, therapist and executive director for AMFM Healthcare

These are some signs that could indicate an emotionally incestuous relationship, according to the experts:

What Is Parentification?

Examples of Emotional Incest

These are some examples of emotional incest:

The Impact of ‘Sharenting’: How Much Info Is Too Much?

These are some of the potential causes of emotional incest, according to the experts:

How Emotional Abuse in Childhood Changes the Brain

Why Emotional Incest Is Harmful

Emotional incest can be harmful to the child’s mental and emotional development, causing them to experience anxiety and insecurity.

Children should not be trying to fill adult roles. They need to be developing themselves, not helping adults develop.—AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD

Children should not be trying to fill adult roles. They need to be developing themselves, not helping adults develop.

—AIMEE DARAMUS, PSYD

Children’s emotionaldevelopmentrequires a healthy attachment with their primary caregiver that offers emotional and physical safety and security, says Francis. “Placing a child in a position where they are responsible for their caregiver’s emotional stability creates insecurity in the child’s development.”

Further, Dr. Daramus explains that children know that they aren‘t able to do adult jobs. “So, if the child can‘t do adult things, and the adult can’t do adult things, the child will feel anxious because no one seems to be in charge.”

Dr. Daramus explains that while children can—and should—have some responsibilities, they need to be age-appropriate. “Children need space to be kids and mess up. They need to know that everything will still be OK and that the adults in charge can handle being adults.”

Impact of Emotional Incest

Emotional incest can affect a child’s development, and the impact can last well into adulthood.

These are some of the ways that emotional incest can impact the child:

Signs of Emotional Abuse From Parents

The experts suggest some steps children can take to heal from emotional incest:

The experts recommend some steps parents can take to cease engaging in emotional incest and heal:

3 SourcesVerywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Covert incest.Çimşir E, Akdoğan R.Childhood Emotional Incest Scale (CEIS): Development, validation, cross-validation, and reliability.J Couns Psychol. 2021;68(1):98-111. doi:10.1037/cou0000439Ports KA, Ford DC, Merrick MT.Adverse childhood experiences and sexual victimization in adulthood.Child Abuse Negl. 2016;51:313-322. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2015.08.017

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.American Psychological Association.Covert incest.Çimşir E, Akdoğan R.Childhood Emotional Incest Scale (CEIS): Development, validation, cross-validation, and reliability.J Couns Psychol. 2021;68(1):98-111. doi:10.1037/cou0000439Ports KA, Ford DC, Merrick MT.Adverse childhood experiences and sexual victimization in adulthood.Child Abuse Negl. 2016;51:313-322. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2015.08.017

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read oureditorial processto learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

American Psychological Association.Covert incest.Çimşir E, Akdoğan R.Childhood Emotional Incest Scale (CEIS): Development, validation, cross-validation, and reliability.J Couns Psychol. 2021;68(1):98-111. doi:10.1037/cou0000439Ports KA, Ford DC, Merrick MT.Adverse childhood experiences and sexual victimization in adulthood.Child Abuse Negl. 2016;51:313-322. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2015.08.017

American Psychological Association.Covert incest.

Çimşir E, Akdoğan R.Childhood Emotional Incest Scale (CEIS): Development, validation, cross-validation, and reliability.J Couns Psychol. 2021;68(1):98-111. doi:10.1037/cou0000439

Ports KA, Ford DC, Merrick MT.Adverse childhood experiences and sexual victimization in adulthood.Child Abuse Negl. 2016;51:313-322. doi:10.1016/j.chiabu.2015.08.017

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